[jumbled-up-words]

as much

as i try

to blend

and hide

with the

men i

surround

myself

with i

cant help

but feel

the need

to hide

my

hands

[jumbled-up-words]

u were so far away

[jumbled-up-words]

i saw u an

d my hear

t stopped

and start

ed again

and the

n you c

ame cl

oser a

nd you

changed my life.

[jumbled-up-words]

it was you and it was me.

we were driving in your car.

i called shotgun.

we didn’t even have a goal destination.

we just drove.

our hair running wild.

hands flying out the window.

and with you i felt free.

[jumbled-up-words]

intimate with my brokenness.

in touch with my flaws.

accepting of my failures.

humbled by my difference.

[jumbled-up-words]

open your eyes.

see what you’ve done.

whatever you created,

whether it be potitive

or negative,

that is what you created.

[jumbled-up-words]

i feel you in my throat

i feel you in my throat as i scream

i feel you in my bones

i feel you in my bones as i lean

i feel you in my tears

i feel you in my tears as i fall to my knees

i feel you leave my soul

i feel you leave my soul on a strange frequency

i feel you in the clouds

i feel you in the clouds as i cry

i feel you in the stars

i feel you in the stars as i sleep

[jumbled-up-words]

i’ve made many failures*

(*i’m worthy of love anyway)

[jumbled-up-words]

sweetheart u look a little tired

when did u last eat?

[jumbled-up-words]

if u woke up tomorrow

and i died today

i have a feeling the world

would have nothing to say

[cherub-bf]

it was 1:04am when i finally shut my phone off and set it face-down next to me in bed and lay my head on my pillow, keeping my eyes shut until i felt the foot of the bed dip down again on the side behind me. i didn’t open my eyes and i didn’t turn towards whoever was there.

“hey,” a voice says, and it was just who i thought it was. he’s been visiting me every night for the past few weeks.

“hey,” i quietly say back, a little muffled since my cheek was pressed against my wrist.

“how was your day?” he asks as he brings his leg up onto the bed.

“boring,” i say, “but i had an essay for health class today.”

“how’d you do?”

“i don’t know yet,” i shrug lightly with one shoulder, “i think i went too deep again though.”

“what do you mean?” i could tell he raises a brow and i feel his gaze on me.

“it was on different kinds of health. i went too in depth talking about mental and emotional health again,” i shrug again, my eyes still glued shut, “but i had this teacher last year in health too, for first semester though. this year for first semester i had phys ed. my teacher in that class didn’t like it when i went in depth and i got points off for it, but mrs. meyer loves it. i get extra points whenever i do. she says i’m real and she likes that. so i think i’m okay.”

“i like when you get in depth too,” he nods some and adjusts how he’s sitting, “you’re so interesting inside your head. you think differently than most people.”

“mind if i ask a question?” i pull my blanket a little closer.

“sure.”

“who are you?”

he lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head, “can’t tell you.”

“why not?” i furrow my brows together.

“isn’t it cool having a secret friend, sort of?” he glances over to me. “i know you think it’s cool. whenever i visit, you never just roll over and look for yourself. you like how it’s mysterious or whatever you teenagers call it.”

“you don’t sound too much older than me, buster,” i smile lightly.

“i’m not,” he shakes his head, “not a teenager, though.”

“oh,” i say, “hey, i’m tired. can i go to bed now? i’ve got school in the morning and bible study at night.”

“sure,” he nods again and reaches over to pat my leg, “goodnight. sweet dreams.”

“goodnight,” i say back, “i’ll talk to you tomorrow if you show up.”

he stands up, causing the dip in the bed to disappear and out of curiosity, i crack an eye open and turn my head some to see whoever my friend was.

there was nobody else in the room. he had vanished.

[jumbled-up-words]

and that’s when i saw you.

you had long, wavy hair the color of the cinnamon rolls i had for breakfast.

your skin was soft-looking and pale, and your face was dotted with dark freckles, all over your cheeks and spacing out over the rest like stars.

your hair was pulled up in a bun and the roots were a bit darker than the rest of your hair, the same color of your lipstick.

you were moving swiftly behind the counter as you made my coffee.

i was starstruck.

i’d never seen something so beautiful, from the way your eyelids tiredly drooped and the way your full lips curved down into a drowsy frown and your hair had flyaways on the sides of your head.

you looked beautiful, god, so beautiful.

then you looked at me and everything else was still.

you were the sun i was pluto you were athena i was a mortal you were a blazing fire i was old ashes you were a thousand galaxies i was merely one lonesome star in the universe but your gaze made me feel not as alone.

i felt something warm in the pit of my stomach and the top of my cheeks when you took a few steps towards me and set the cup down and called my name and i smiled at you and said “that’s me” and you smiled back and i was inching closer and closer and closer and then i snapped back into reality and you were gone, probably nonexistent.

you were gone.

[jumbled-up-words]

when i was eight

suddenly the kids around me spewed hate

they made fun of me for my weight

and little did they hesitate

and when i was nine

everything was far from divine

because when i wanted to play with a girl named caroline

she asked my name and i told her and she told me my name was dumb and that’s just the start of the ride

fast forward to highschool

where everyone tries to act cool

and i’m at homecoming, cool

with my best friend at her school

and she left me alone to dance with her date

and now i’m in the crowd where the teens are a rave

and suddenly i felt a hand on my chest

and fingers brush at the bottom of my dress

i was frozen in shock and didn’t know what to do

not one person around me helped

even though there was at least six hundred and two

he groped me and grabbed me

in places that were shocking

i didn’t even know him

and he’d taken quite a lot from me

so now at school dances i refuse to wear a dress

i’m glad my best friend swooped in and saved me from that mess

i went home scarred and blank-faced and broken

i pray that one day he sees what from me he’d stolen

[jumbled-up-words]

and then my eyes got dark

and heavy

and sad

and my smile left

and suddenly

i didn’t look young anymore

i looked 10 years older

[jumbled-up-words]

why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you. why am i in love with you.

i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend. i have a boyfriend. you have a boyfriend.

you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend. you’re just my best friend.

[jumbled-up-words]

so you found somebody else and then he dumped you and now you’ve come crawling back to me...

for the fifth time, with the fifth guy?

[jumbled-up-words]

when you left

i’d just gotten the news. i couldn’t breathe, i couldn’t move, i couldn’t talk. everything in my body became so much more noticeable. all i could feel was my shoulders though, i could feel very muscle in my shoulders and the weight was so crushing on me that it pulled me down to my knees. my skin felt loose. my bones felt tight, but my muscles felt tighter. but my shoulders, oh, my shoulders felt like they weighed multiple tons. i couldn’t stop myself from crying and i couldn’t stop after that. you were gone. you were gone. you were really gone. my best friend. my very first friend. she was gone. i would never see her again.

the only thought i had was “how could you leave me?” and i wanted to scream it but i couldn’t. i couldn’t scream past my throaty, raw sobs. my mascara and my eyeliner dragged down my face and ruined my foundation and blush and concealer, and i felt like my rock was gone. the thing holding me down and keeping me rooted was gone. i suddenly remembered everything about you, i remembered when we first met when we were 10 and i remembered when i first made you laugh. i remembered your laugh. how you’d snort and your eyes would squish up. i remembered how small you were next to me and how warm you were when you stayed the night when it was cold out so we cuddled. i remembered when we stayed up all night multiple times to watch movies. i remembered how i was always there for you when you cried.

and i felt so mad, and i felt so guilty, i felt so angry at myself because the only things i could think were “how could you leave me here?” or “why couldn’t you be there for me?” or “why couldn’t i save you?” or “did i not make you happy?” or “was i not enough?” or “why didn’t you just call me?”

and, oh my love, my dear best friend, i was never the same again after you died. when you left, you took a big chunk of my chest with you and replaced it with heavy rocks and even heavier guilt. whenever i would leave for a trip, i packed my bags light, and my chest was always heavier. oh, my friend, i never was the same friend you knew. if you came back again, you would barely recognize me anymore, because it was you who’d impacted me most of all.