just a girly

i need an outlet, sometimes

[justagirlyyyyyy]

saturday 22.03.2025

hello self!!!!!

i genuinely cannot believe it is finally spring. it took a second but we're here baby <33 sadly i am writing this because i feel emotionally unsettled. i feel like the month of march is usually a little uncomfy for me, and usually my least favorite season although eventually, i might have to give that to another month. march is usually a time where i want to be in solitude a lot (pisces 12H = sun in 12H) and it favors me to kinda pour a lot into being on my own. i feel really rattled by my current circumstances. financially i am at a point where i am genuinely just falling. idk if it's to my death but it's the imagery of someone who jumped off a tall building. i have surrendered. financially, i have close to nothing. the money thing is so terrifying that i have stopped caring about it at all. third month in a row that i have been below 0 at some point in the month, and i basically only have money for bills. i have started renting out movies and books though, from my local library and that has been fantastic. i watched the virgin suicides for the first time the other day and i am currently reading giovanni's room by james baldwin. i said this to my friend but, all i have is to try and keep going and simultaneously romanticize the fuck out of my life otherwise i'll just have to kill myself. and it's trying times for everybody right now, but it's bad. i have never had less money than right now and i also have never felt more happy and fulfilled with the things i do. making videos. writing. writing songs. playing the guitar. singing. i feel really connected to that right now because it's kinda all i have. sincerely hope that my financial situation changes soon and that i am able to save up money again eventually. it's really upsetting, but i am grateful for my family for understanding and supporting me financially. my brother has covered my health insurance bill for the past 3 months and i owe him everything. and i am very glad to be living with my mother who is my favorite roommate! in terms of emotionally, i have been a little scared for said person. my mother is currently suffering from an injury and it's kinda scary watching her health "decline" in real time. she's 60 now and her mortality has never become more apparent than now. but whatever i kinda don't want to talk about it. here's to not knowing whats next, ever and still being a fucking baddie though!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

tuesday 04.02.2025

CLEAR WATER STILL WATER WHATS OUR CODE NAME? oh you are loved ryan beatty. im currently listening to his song 'white teeth' and woowww he's so talented. i remember him from his old youtube days and it's just beautiful to think about his, to me mysterious, journey to be the artist he is today. you really are the only person that can put yourself in a box and i think that's great. no one can shove me in there. i hold the key. me and no one else! anyway it's a beautiful song but thats not why we're here today. we're here to give AN UPDAAAATE <333

i am LIVING. truly. breathing and living and smiling and working hard. it's been very rewarding mentally. like perhaps this is the best i have ever felt about myself? and i am looking forward to feeling this way. now im onto 'nomad' by clairo and she's another lovely artist i was pretty unfamiliar with until pretty recently. her live performance of the song 'bags' is still my favorite tho. i am also ON TRACK with my reading goals and it's been SO fucking cool. i really do love words. words mean so much to me. in the weeks i haven't posted on here, which feels like 2 months but it's actually only what.. 3 weeks? i have been journaling(?) just capturing my thoughts and doing mini book reviews!! it's actually quite astonishing to me how many thoughts i do have every day and how much decluttering happens when I just give into them and write them out. It's something im truly cherishing right now. mental clarity and working through mental confusion.

i have taken so many breaks since starting that last paragraph that im like... idek what my thoughts are anymore BUT I NEED TO GET GOING AND GO DANCE AND SING so goodbye actually! hahahaha

[justagirlyyyyyy]

friday 17.01.2025

you know who's love for me i never question? my family's. my family is short of perfect and i have a slightly invasive and "used to be very overbearing" mother and two brothers who i like and appreciate but that i don't talk to regularly, and im very happy with that!

you know who's love for me i question every other day? my friends. i always get a little confused why my friends are friends with me. if someone asked me right now what i think my good qualities are, i could name plenty, but i don't really get why my friends are friends with me. like i get it? but, idk i think friendships are kinda strange. like people have their own lives and they get on with them but why and when do you make space for certain friends and not others? i mean i could ask myself that. and probably should. but idk-- this isn't making a lot of sense i fear? (aquarius 11H neptune) why are we friends but not best friends? where are you? im sad right now but i wouldn't talk to most of my friends about that right now, why? what's my problem with being vulnerable for the sake of being vulnerable and letting others in. i suffer in these moments. and i prefer to suffer quietly. maybe that's something i'd like to change. but also i don't have it in me to be closer to people, i find it extremely draining. like it's not literally hard to be a good friend, but also it is. "holding space" is difficult. i don't want to overextend myself. but in this moment right now im writing this rather than reaching out to my friends. it's just bothersome. i guess i don't let myself fully "be" in friendships, because i should be able to be comfortable with other people (my friends hello) perceiving me as weak every once in a while. idk. or maybe my friends suck at comforting me. HAHAHAHHAA. idk!!!!!

this is the first time im listening to lizzy mcalpine's "new" album and the song 'all falls down', the melody, the chord progression is SO me right in this moment. a bit silly, a bit like hey, shoulder shrug!!! but also deeply distraught. i love late nights. i wish i could go to sleep sooner but i hate missing out on the night. real yearners stay up all night if they have to! troubled people stay up it's true! anyway im troubled. right now are some trying times. i want to move out so bad but i don't even have a job. no money. life is life-ing me so fucking hard right now like woah. hopefully i'll look at this post in a year from now (idk why i would even find this but) and i will be in my own space. by myself. or maybe in a different city or country. or something exciting has happened. i believe time will turn in my favor. im listening to 'i guess' now... very pretty. alright bye.

[justagirlyyyyyy]

wednesday 15.01.2025

hello!!!!!

im listening to 'one of your girls' by troye sivan and wow that is such a beautiful production! i wonder when i will be aligned with people to make music with. basically no one knows that that's my main passion in life. but i've hidden it/haven't shared that for most of my 24 years of life. how crazy. you just get so comfortable. but, if any year is gonna shake up old (bad) habits of mine, it's this one! i have also finished my bingo card and wooowie do i have plans for this year! a lot of them are actually attainable and then others feel damn near impossible, but let's see i guess (:

i really need a job (like financially) but emotionally and spiritually i have never been happier than right now (jobless) i have a fierce daily routine and i feel so so accomplished most days! like i am truly working towards myself, if that makes sense. im the goal im moving towards. and that's pretty sick! (as in cool). it's crazy that we're half way through january and im not feeling that capricorn/saturn dread that i usually feel at the beginning of damn near every year!!!! this is a mars year... which is perfect because i am mars ruled! (aries 1H) and my mars is in cancer so… all i know is discomfort! i can push through it all! (listening to orange show speedway and god bless lizzy mcalpine she is so fantastic)

……

like 40 minutes have passed since the last paragraph LMAO and im not reading all that to make sure what i say next makes sense SO im gonna go bye self!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

sunday (fun-day) 05.01.2025

im in such a sad and wistful mood. and i know where this is coming from but for the first time on this anonymous blog, i feel embarrassed to admit the source of these feelings. remember the guy i was talking to (barely) he has not responded to me in almost 2 days and it's been affecting my mood today. i had yet another really good and productive day! i started it out with some stretches and then went to the gym, post gym i edited a personal project of mine and was reading a little bit (which is one of my active goals this year = more reading and more development of creative endeavours) took a nap, did another arm workout that i love doing (it's only 5 minutes hihi), watched some youtube and scrolled a little of course, just had dinner AND YET i can't seem to shake this sense of… idk perhaps it's a mixture of loneliness and a tad bit of unworthiness? i'm not completely sure… i should probably do one of those exercises where you sit still for 5 minutes and just *feel* but if im trying to summarize my feelings, perhaps that's it? again idk. i perceive this guy as being a catch and im just being honest. i won't go into detail describing why but trust me there is a lot of garbage out there and he isn't that. so why isn't he replying back? am i scaring the hoes? LMAO. idk it's odd because another part of me feels certain that he's the one who's punching and that he'll definitely reply back to me. that part of me knows my worth and my value and will continue living and honestly thrive, whether he responds to me or not. but another part... a very very small part of me feels like an abandoned little girl. it's interesting isn't it? how giving yourself space to feel these feelings or in my case writing them down can really empower you? i feel so much better and lighter now. i needed to give space and air to these very natural feelings of rejection, feel em out and then toss em! fuck it, if he doesn't reply he's a fucking loser who doesn't know what he had (LMAO lemme talk my shit this is still fresh) and if he does reply then… he replies, whatever. im so happy im me hihi like yeah be dramatic and in your feelings for 10-15 minutes and then move on. that's me. love her! alright bye!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

wednesday 01.01.2025

hihiii all went well and he asked me out! let's see

[justagirlyyyyyy]

wednesday 01.01.2025

(happy new year!!) yeah yeah okay idk why i am an anxious mess right now. it's truly perplexing to me. there's this guy i "ran into" when i was out with my gf (girlfriend as in girl friend) and i went up to him because he seemed familiar… turns out he was and we have worked together before (on a set with a bunch of people, so i didn't think he would recognize me but he said he did) i just introduced myself and so did he. whatever. he's beautiful. he's young though. a couple years younger than me but nonetheless very accomplished. idk why i feel so anxious talking to him? perhaps because we didn't match on a dating app and so i don't know if he even understands why we're texting, as in, i think you're hot. there are also soo many hours between our responses. when i first dmed him he didn't respond back for like a day and a half or a full day. i was going through the million stages of grief! it's silly. but i also have to honour my feelings and moments like this, as silly as they may seem. they're honest. im being honest. anyway so i texted him back, it was about our age gap and me saying how i don't mind but i followed it up by asking if he does? and he responded with "4+ messages" and im so scared to open up our chat. idk why!!! i mean i do know why. im scared of being rejected. but surely you get over that eventually right? how does one get over that? im not scared of rejection when it comes to anything other than relationships and romance. which is idk, pretty big and important in life so yeah, maybe i should work on that. im gonna open the texts now because even though i know nothing about him, there is nothing more powerful than a crush and what's a crush?? a lack of information yeeees!!! hopefully i get to know him more and he's childish and annoying and we don't get along at all and i can be alone again. let's see. i feel like vomiting. the anxiety is too much.

[justagirlyyyyyy]

friday 27.12.2024

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! im actually in a great space. like mentally. sticking to my habits. uploaded my first youtube video in a while. i feel so proud! and it's almost the new year. we're about to eat those grapes under the table because i need to be boo'ed up next year thank you. idk my best friend is here for the holidays (she's been studying abroad) and i love her so much. i feel so much happier and better when she's around. my true soulmate. i do feel undervalued in other friendships right now though but im not sure i even see those friendships as relationships that i wanna nurture further, so i think it's just my ego thats bruised. i want to be loved. everyone does. but i haven't earned my stay in a lot of people's lives and i shouldn't act like i deserve to be there when i don't. i think my cup is flow-eth over. im looking to others to pour my love into but i think from now on i'll just try and pour that into my art. i really want to write more songs. just like anything you need to get into the habit of it. let's see what happens. probably love songs. im so full of love right now writing this. i love this outlet. just writing words that'll disappear into the ether. LA LALAAAA. it actually doesn't matter lol. i also love timothee chalamet's press tour for that bob dylan movie right now. he's hungry and i love it. we all act like we don't want things that we clearly desire because it seems ill-mannered and it makes people uncomfortable but yeah he probably fucking wants that oscar. hope he gets it. and what i want is to experience the love of a lifetime. and so i will. next year is my year of falling in love. with everything though. but especially a person. i deserve it. it's universal law that good things happen to you after the bad times. im already so happy for my future self. even if the love doesn't last. i know i was happy and living life to the fullest. because that's just who i am. i also ordered myself the physical copy of bones and all (2022) so life is pretty good.

[justagirlyyyyyy]

tuesday 22.10.2024

well! idk what i last wrote on here hahaha but i've been doing good while i've been gone! i started going to the gym too! im only a little over a month in but it's so much fun and i really didn't expect to enjoy it so much. also been doing little extra acting gigs (existing in the background) for little money here and there… so it's like im unemployed... but not really but mostly! i told my friend the other day that i live the nepo baby life without being a nepo. and tbh i've been really grateful for this. being able to kinda just find my footing and reset after *that* work experience at *that* job… has been amazing! if these sentences don't make sense it's because this song im playing is so disorienting but anyway. i also saw my old crush again… girl… they're so fucking fine STILL… im just happy cute ppl still exist irl tbh. but yeah! the way you spend your days is how you live your life and for what it's worth living life has been really great lately. also!!! i have another modelling gig coming up this weekend (without payment…………) my friend asked me if i wanted to do it, as she'll also be modelling so let's just hope these ppl don't waste my time!

(+manifesting that i end up dating my crush***)

[justagirlyyyyyy]

tuesday 13.08.2024

im such a scared human being! but also really brave. i feel like life made me tough. and subsequently i just cannot face the world proactively based on self initiation. it's really hard for me. i probably make it way harder than it needs to be. like approaching goals and dreams IS STILL SO HARD it feels like i'll never get there. and yet im still here yk? my mom and i drove past my childhood neighborhood and both agreed that those times were really sad. i don't want to be this victim who can't get over their childhood but i was blessed with this cancer stellium in my fourth house! this was meant to be! but idk i know how to survive but idk how to live. like for myself. i think im just still stuck. and comparison is so so bad but (seemingly) simple shit for others feels like im playing it on hard mode and that at all times. god i just started crying because the architect by kacey musgraves started playing!!!! apple music is trying to kill me!!!!!!!! anyway im really grateful to be this emotional and to be able to just write it all down. imagine if i just kept all of this in. something about this is so dramatic and beautiful. i was singing earlier (because i sing)… it's genuinely my first love. but it's one of those dreams that literally feels sooo far away. so impossible to achieve that i've tried to bury it sooo deep and just lock it away… but whenever i feel bad, my body just naturally starts singing. it's like the one thing that comforts and heals me. without fail. every time. i cry and sing. i sing then i cry. hopefully i don't give up on myself and maybe i'll record and produce those songs i have stashed away. im really just a girl at the edge of a cliff thats been there for like 30 minutes and she's been crying… she started yelling now but she is determined to jump! so eventually she will. (i will. i will conquer myself).

[justagirlyyyyyy]

friday 12.07.2024

okay okay okay!!!! i have such a fun week planned?¿ (i think) my friend khoko and i were facetiming yesterday and... we're both chronic over-thinkers. astro info incoming: both cancer suns and mercuries, they're a scorpio moon - im a cancer moon, they have a gemini rising - i have an aries rising (gemini 3H)... do with that info what you will! i could tell they were being overly in their head about something but i didn't really know how to help. so i got the idea to just give them a challenge for the week. something relatively simple and doable if they just tried. here is their challenge: no over-thinking/over-interpreting other people's actions towards you. for one week. 7 days. no but's or if's… and guess what, they took on the challenge! without me having to say anything to them, they also gave me a challenge, which i fear i have to give context for: in one of our conversations i told them that in a weird way i feel like in order for my dreams to feel real or achievable or for me to not feel burdened by the pursuit of them, i have to pretend they're not my own. it's this bizarre thing where, if i imagine im not me, suddenly the day to day things or just tangible steps feel a lot clearer to me. like a split mind. one mind is riddled with trauma's and fears and the other feels like a clean, clear slate. and so her challenge for me becomes: no separating of the mind, no dissociation of my feelings and wants and desires from the actions in this body. the challenge becomes: leaning in. in the ways i know how, to fully engulf myself in the sensations and thoughts and feelings of wanting to do something and then persisting by simply doing it. now this may sound obvious to someone who doesn't struggle with anxiety or other mental health issues, but it's actually really hard. and the pressure relief that comes with this challenge being temporary .... absolute bliss! 7 days? okay 7 days. 7 days of living in absolute honesty, whatever that may look like! and then back to the safety net (possible prison?) of my "old" mind and beliefs. LOL. let's do it. im looking forward to this. as an aries rising i do love me some immediate gratification and i have a thing for challenges!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

wednesday 10.07.2024

woah! soooo i just got back my pictures from a shoot that i did some months back... they're honestly incredible! like im shocked! of course i need to practice because i somewhat don't really know what im doing just yet but for what it's worth this is a great start! im so happy! i feel like this was the sign that i needed... OKAY TIME TO CLOCK IN! AND MAKE SOME MF MONEY HOE!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

tuesday 09.07.2024

i also want to fall in love this year. i feel like im making space for it, so why not? i want to kiss someone passionately. so passionately that i feel dizzy and hazy. im a good kisser. i want even more desperately to be held. so tight. by my waist preferably. ugh. i really love-- "men". as a concept. "thats a good man savannah!" ass men. sweet. kind. witty. outspoken. strong. smart. warm-- ass men. so i will receive just that. i don't know how or when or why. but what i want i simply do get. and this year...? romance is on the bucket list ladies!

[justagirlyyyyyy]

tuesday 09.07.2024

i want to model! (now) i enjoyed modelling when i did it. i enjoyed the attention. i enjoyed being beautiful. i enjoyed being expressive. playing pretend. so i have decided to model now. to give it a real shot. im good with people! im confident. i think i can be good at this and i think i can do this.  im gonna stop overthinking. "how come you want to do this now?". "so you only want to do it because other people told you to?". bla bla. i want to do it. because i want to be good at something. i want to feel accomplished. i want an unpredictable schedule. i want to travel. i want to meet people. i want to model.