[metamorphesque]

― Margaret Atwood, You are Happy

[justanotherz]

so why’d you fucked me like you loved me, while you looked me in the eyes

if you knew that i was nothing, but a way to pass the time

why’d we make plans for the future? staying up till morning light

why’d you fill me with your sickness? then leave me there to die

[traaumaa]

[greraden]

[expressions-of-nature]

Caddo Lake, Texas by Fred R Cox

[justanotherz]

just got out of a 51/50 hold

fucking betrayed

treated like a criminal, a psychopath, i am not ok

i am worse

[deprosin]

picking up my phone every 5 minutes like someone wants to talk to me

[depression-took-over-my-liiife]

[justanotherz]

who is gonna love this???

[justanotherz]

i existed before you. i was a whole person, complete.

i do not understand

how do i exist now. without you? now half a person, incomplete.

existing im not sure, is even something i want to do

without y o u

[emotionalwords]

[justanotherz]

Did you know that both the highest and lowest point in the contiguous united states are only 85 miles apart? While this fact is not entirely new to me, it's something that was often discussed in my geology classes.

According to the USGS:

"Death Valley's Badwater Basin is the point of lowest elevation in North America, at 282 feet (86 m) below sea level. It is 84.6 miles (136.2 km) east-southeast of Mount Whitney — the highest point in the contiguous United States, with an elevation of 14,505 feet (4,421 m)."

I recently summited Mt.Whitney.

And as I was slowly making my way back down to the portal, i couldn't help but think about this seemingly trivial fact. Really giving it some weight, the mountains tend to do that to me. It was then when I started to feel anxiety taking over.

I realized I was at my high, and

the highest of highs are always followed by or preceded by the lowest of lows.

I had hit my high.

And there was no low, which meant it was coming.

What's it gonna be? What's it gonna look like? Feel like?

A lot has happened since Whitney. It's been a long three weeks, and i am exhausted. it seems like it keeps getting lower and lower

and lower

and everytime i think its over, something else happens.

it is low. it is dark. and scary.

and i'm not seeing any light right now. all i see, all i feel it darkness.

empty. hollow.

i want to die. i dont want to lie here. i want to die. i want it to stop.

i am sad. and triggers are everywhere these days. i am anxious. and alone. the flashbacks, the sicky icky feeling, the disassociation, the despair. it's all so heavy. and i am alone.

completely.

it feels almost like i never took my pack off since Whitney, and i'm just carrying all this shit around. yet refusing to let it go.

and i need to just let it fucking go

i did it, i climbed the mountain.

and now that phase of my life has ended. just like that....

i dont know what's next for me. in almost all aspects in my life. and that is absolutely terrifying to me. especially because this time, i will be doing it alone.

but there will be another mountain to climb, and i'm sure i'll eventually climb that one too.

and the next, and the next.

because life is a series of mountains, highs and lows.

[soul-from-another-era]

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[unorcadox]

[valscrapbook]

[traumatizeddfox]

“but it wasn’t that bad”

did it hurt? did you feel scared? unsafe? were you embarrassed? humiliated? terrified? did you feel confused on why? does it keep you up at night? do you avoid being in a similar situation? did you cry? did you want to cry? who told you it wasn’t that bad?

[rootlessly]

autumn mornings ⋇ 5 oct