EndlessSummerDaze @justasummerdaze - Tumblr Blog

I’m just so fucking tired of everything and everyone here and I feel like I could give up but I know I can’t because I’m so close to the end even though half of my days feel as if I’m getting dragged behind a car and can’t seem to catch my breath because it’s constantly fight after fight, day after day sitting in a classroom wondering if any of this will even matter in the real world, getting a paycheck only to realize it’s all going to bills, being far away from home and wondering if I’ll ever even make a difference in the world.

Fuck Love.

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Went to Yosemite with Port // photographed by my love

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That’s all it is. This life, I mean. One big, fat, glaring question mark. You would think that as you progress through the years and receive more education then that question mark would grow dimmer and dimmer....nope. Quite opposite, actually. For me, it seems like this question mark has tripled its size within the last few weeks and ultimately enveloped my entire being. What am I going to do post-graduation? Will I stay in California or return home to Hawaii? Or will I go someplace completely new? Where will I live? Will my family be okay without me? Will my boyfriend move with me? Will my boyfriend and I even still be together? Will I be happy?

God, I wish I could answer even one of these stupid questions. I wish I could have some inkling of where my life will be headed in just 8 months. I wish I could believe people when they tell me it’ll all work out as it should. I wish I could just fucking calm down and quit being such an emotional girl! I’m so stressed out I’m irritating myself while conversely taking out all these emotions on other people...mostly Nate.

Just Nate, actually.

Man, do I love him. We fight probably more than not but somehow every time we come back to the basics of not wanting to give each other up. And every time, I wonder why he puts up with my mood swings and bitchy attitude. He’s not perfect, but neither am I. Maybe that’s why I love him so much. He knows that I’m pretty fucked up, but somehow he still can’t stand the idea of being without me (for reasons I’ll never understand). Sometimes I wish I could break up with myself, and wonder why the hell he hasn’t bailed yet. If anyone (besides my family) has ever taught me how to love someone unconditionally and sincerely, it’s him. I don’t deserve him. And I can’t help but feel like the longer I’m with him, the more I’m hurting him. He is one the sweetest, kindest, most genuine people I’ve ever met, but I feel like every day that he’s with me I weigh him down even heavier than the day before. I love him enough to know that I’m no good for him.

#Thoughts