Confessions from a Christian who Struggles
All Christians struggle. Every PERSON struggles. We all deal with our own demons.
But here are some thoughts from a Christian who struggles with depression and self-injury.
Depression does not discriminate. I fought my first war with the illness before I met Jesus. I was a junior in high school.
50% of individuals who experience depression will deal with a second episode.
The second time depression reared its ugly head in my life was a year later.
80% of individuals who experience two episodes will experience yet another episode.
After the second episode, I found Jesus. I thought depression was gone for good. Little did I know, three years later, depression would suck me back into the hole that seems like it is impossible to climb out of.
Experiences are easiest to talk about once you’ve survived them, once they are a part of your past. No one ever tells you that vulnerability in the midst of pain and struggle is the hardest. I learned this lesson the last time I was depressed. I felt like I was drowning and couldn’t articulate it to anyone. I shoved my emotions down, pretending I was fine for an entire month before I started to give those closest to me any hints: hints that my self-harm was a problem more than usual, vague prayer requests. I felt like it should have been obvious, but it wasn’t.
I’m sincerely sorry to those closest to me whom I kept out with concrete walls when I was struggling. I’m not proud. Please offer me grace and gentleness.
Why was I so scared to directly tell anybody? Why do fear and vulnerability always coexist?
It fascinates me how most individuals are selectively vulnerable; how self-disclosure changes based on the person, place, and time. How do we choose to let one person in but keep everyone else out?
What value does vulnerability have?
Vulnerability brings freedom; secrets need light. They need Jesus. Finally opening up about my depression brought more healing than I ever could have imagined, and telling my first friend about my battle with self-injury brought more support, love, and light than I expected. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with these deeply personal issues is terrifying, but it invites the light of Jesus to win in our lives. Leaving the broken pieces of our hearts and souls at the throne of The Lord is the hard part. There is no hurt too big, struggle too strong, or scar too deep that Jesus can’t heal.
Being vulnerable invites opportunity for accountability. Being honest with a friend, saying “I’m struggling right now,” allows them to lift me up to the Lord in prayer. If I share my biggest triggers with close friends, I’m kept accountable not to fall into those thought patterns or behaviors. It’s difficult to explain how this works, but having loved ones who know what I struggle with helps me not fall into it. It’s protective and I become less susceptible. Our secrets thrive in the darkness. The darkness breeds shame and guilt. It’s a never ending cycle.
Vulnerability is essential not just for ourselves, but it’s also vital to help others. Sometimes you might not know how your openness affects another individual, but I promise you that it does.
Our own vulnerability and honesty can bring healing to others, encourage them to share their stories,and it helps show them they are not alone.
I never would have told my first friend about my past struggles with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts if she hadn’t opened up about her experience with these same demons first. If she hadn’t set in motion that domino effect, I don’t know if I would be where I am today, or would be at this place of acceptance and openness.
I’m constantly reminded that God frees me from these things; He redeems me and my mistakes, brokenness and all. I have nothing good to offer. Clearly I’m a messy and shattered individual; but the good news is that He loves me in spite of all this. These issues don’t scare Him off. He longs to be in relationship with me. Accepting Jesus makes me a new Creation in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17). The Lord offers full life with Him HERE and NOW (John 10:10). Struggles can be faced because He is with me and I know nothing separates me from His endless, perfect love (Romans8:38).
Owning these struggles has been difficult, but I’ve come a long way. My skin will always burn when someone catches a glimpse of my scars; they see a piece of my soul, of my past. I always feel the sharp pain of guilt and shame paired with hesitation any time I share any of this with another soul. Vulnerability is scary.
But many people will surprise you. They have surprised me. I’ve been blessed by love, support, and my vulnerability has invited others to do the same. These issues get easier to talk about each time I share them with someone. They lose their power over me. Letting the light in has slowly but surely allowed Jesus to bring healing. If we want to create vulnerable communities, it has to start with us.
