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I have these waves of intense sadness that stop me from feeling happiness, or doing what makes me happy. It’s been that way for years, and some weeks I’ll be on cloud9 but the contrast is stark. The lows have gotten lower, the dark seems darker and the days mesh together effortlessly. Livings been the greatest challenge I’ve faced with every new day. Loving myself, believing I deserve love, feeling capable of loving. Once I reach a place of stability the ground loosens beneath my feet and it’s fight or flight again. My normal vices don’t resonate and civilization seems to slip further and further away from me. I think of who I am now and try and tell myself those terrible things I’ve been told I am aren’t true but it’s all that’s on my mind. Fear of never breaking the cycle, Anger at myself for letting things become what they are. It all hurts and I wish it would stop. I miss the days when the smiles that were directed towards me were genuine. Now I only feel as if I hurt the people I love. Family and friends alike. It was tonight I decided I’d journey the rest of my time here alone. Unloveable for everyone’s sake, alone for everyone’s grace and one day absent for everyone’s peace.

#me #personal thoughts #mental heath support #mentally tired

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Sigh

Its been years now and the tide has yet to recede. I’ve drowned in the place where visions reject reality and lost sight amongst the stars of present hour.