unemployed and broke

they/he/she | German | 18y/o | writer

[justice-is-a-weapon]

꧁Blog guide꧂

⍟ Personal ⍟

⍟ About Me

᪥ Fanfiction ᪥

In vino veritas [dazaix gn reader] [ao3]

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | ?

[We would always meet in bars. Never the same one, always accidental. Dazai. I still tried to figure him out. He was doing the same. It's a game between the two of us now. Let's see who reveals the other first.]

Need someone to talk to? Any ideas? Want to possibly make a new friend? Feel free to contact me! Much love, Marley <3

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 15 / ?

previous | next

TW: mentions of depression

Walking outside I took a seat right next to the door. I took in the view I was presented with. To my left a run down car. It must’ve stood there for god knows how long, considering it was overtaken by rust, the black paint chipping away. I heard some birds chirp nearby. I, however, was not in the mood for chirping.

I took a look at my watch. 4:38 pm. It had taken me exactly 20 minutes to calm down from the fight. At least I had now calmed down so much as to not bash in Dazai’s face when seeing him again. Now I tried focusing on what exactly he had done to avoid letting him trigger me like that again. I recognized a pattern. Dazai will at first ignore any issue he faces while also being completely aware of it, then, when he needs to actually face it or is confronted with the issue, he may snap. This usually leads to the other person involved giving up when they can make the decision to do so. This is the route I assumed his colleagues usually took. Well, it was the easiest way out. But sometimes the easiest way is not the right one. I took route two: Confronting the issue head on. That was my error. Or maybe it wasn’t. It definitely made Dazai turn directly against me. Dazai is very likely to attack even those who he cares about when he feels threatened. I’d need to stay away for now. No provocation. First thing is making him feel safe, not threatened.

I still need to clean that bathroom though. He needs a shower. Or a bath.

I had also been too harsh on him. Maybe I should apologize. Yes. I will apologize.

I took another deep breath. We both fucked up, I thought. I could check his mailbox while I was at it. Nothing except for some bills to pay, advertising and some sort of weekly news subscription. With that I sat down again, leaning back against the wall, closing my eyes.

I imagined Dazai walking out the door, sitting down next to me. He'd first complain about the bills but he’s also saying sorry in my imagination, sorry for causing me all this trouble. I’d tell him not to be sorry, he’s just feeling intense emotions and this meant stuff like this could follow. I don’t blame him. Although him saying sorry would help me immensely. It’d be proof we’re both merely human.

But I’m taken back into reality.

Dazai is not sitting next to me. Instead I’m met with two long legs. My gaze follows from the brown dress shoes, over the beige dress pants, up to the black collar and lastly his face. I’ve settled on calling his hair “piss blonde” by now. He doesn’t like me anyway.

“So why are you sitting out here? Thought he probably ghosted you too.”

It’s more of a statement than a question.

“Well he did,” I finally answered, “But I’m more of a ‘I’ll break into your house if I need to’ type of person y'know?”

“Makes sense.”

I don’t question his response. An uncomfortable silence follows.

“I know you don’t like me.”

He looks at me, not quite expecting me to talk nor my sudden honesty. I just roll my eyes.

“Don’t act like I can’t be honest for once.”

A pause.

“I know that you know that I don’t like you.”

Now it was my turn to quirk a brow at him. Thankfully he answered my unspoken question.

“Dazai told me.”

This made me whip my head towards him. I hated how much I reacted to the simple mention of Dazai. I suddenly felt a bit caught.

“He gave me quite the verbal beating the day after.”

“He did?”

“I’m usually not afraid of Dazai but he seemed pretty determined to change my mind.”

He took another look at me. I prepared myself, thinking harsh words would follow. Kunikida didn’t like me. He didn’t trust me and I knew it.

But I was surprised.

“I don’t completely hate you. But I don’t like you either.”

He sat down next to me. Right where I imagined Dazai just a minute before.

“Just seeing you sit here tells me you’re determined too. I like determination. It’s part of my ideals. I’m a man that is determined to follow my ideals. They give my life meaning.”

“I’d call that fanaticism.”

“To some it might be yes. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. I was actually trying to tell you there’s traits I like about you too.”

“Oh wow. Thanks for the compliment.”

I said rather sarcastically. I looked up at him, our eyes meeting for a second. He seemed softer. He was serious.

“Thank you for putting up with him. I know he can get a bit difficult.”

I hadn’t expected such kind words from Kunikida. He then shook his head and continued.

“To be honest I don’t get how or why you do it.”

With that he let out a long sigh and rested his head against the wall, looking towards the sky, then closing his eyes. I exhaled, slightly laughing.

“I just try again and again. Why? Because he’s my friend. Of course he’s an ass but I’ll make sure he’s doing okay.”

“You’re something for sure.”

We sat in silence for a second.

“I miss him too, yknow.”

Silence. Then his eyes widened.

“Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Now this made me laugh.

“Don’t worry. I won’t.”

I wanted to ask him another question but didn’t know if it would be too invasive. After some thinking about it I decided to do it.

“Why are you here though?”

“Mainly to check up on him I guess. But someone beat me to it.”

Again, comfortable silence.

“I used the premise of giving him his work stuff. Mainly a lot of documents. But I really just wanted to see if he’s doing okay.”

For a man so focused on ideals instead of emotion Kunikida seemed to actually have a heart. This made me happy. It was proof that I was not talking to a robot.

“Is… Is he doing okay?”

“I think it’s a depressive episode.”

“Oh… I see.”

“But we’re making progress.”

He looked me up and down.

“If you’re making progress, why are you out here?”

“Sometimes getting your ass kicked is also progress.”

A small chuckle from Kunikida.

“How far did you push him?”

“Insulted me, yelled at me, tried to tell me I’m nothing-“

“Oh I see. He’s frustrated.”

“Very much.”

Again we sit in silence.

“And how are you doing?”

This question made me think. How was I doing? Good? Bad? Something in between? To be honest I had no idea.

“Fine?” Was my final answer but it came out as more of a question than a real answer.

“Take care of yourself.”

I said nothing after that.

“Should I go in again?” I asked quietly. “I don’t want to upset him. Or worse, I could flip at him too. I don’t want that.”

“I know you don’t.”

I looked at him shyly.

“What do you say?”

He chuckled quietly, fixing his glasses.

“Get your ass inside.”

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[There it is! The long awaited chapter! Thank you for your patience. For anyone wondering what’s going on in my life please go ahead and read the author’s note. Take care!]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

Quick author’s note

𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜

I guess you’re wondering where I’ve been, so here’s my (late) explanation:

A LOT has happened in my life lately. As some of you might already know, I finally finished school and have a degree now! I didn’t expect to do so well either. I somehow managed to be one of the top students and get the prize for the best German literature final exam (I can officially call myself “member of literary community” in my area now wohooo)!

However some other aspects of my life have kinda turned to shit. My now ex-girlfriend has left me for some random dude she met in Italy, there was a pretty serious situation my friend was dealing with and I have now unlocked memories that I’ve previously pushed away (for a reason). All of this put me in a massive depressive episode plus all the stress from the exams and the pressure to find a university and a job really affected me. I’m still struggling with my own mental health currently and sadly getting therapy is difficult in my current situation. I hope you’ll understand.

What is great however is, that I got to see a lot of things after finishing school. I’ve traveled to Hamburg, Berlin and Amsterdam now and am still planning future journeys. Currently I’m leaving Norway and am on my way back home. I now also have a job to finance my travels. I’m also planning to go to a language school in the US and Japan in the next year to gather even more experiences. Everything is changing for me in this stage of my life and it’s complicated. I’m terribly sorry but I just need some time to get back on track.

Thank you for your patience and taking the time to read my work. I will try my best to continue updating this since I love watching this story unfold just as much as you do. You can help me greatly by giving me ideas and feedback in the comments. Take care of yourself, get yourself cozy and get something to drink.

𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜𐮜

Much love, your author Marley.

[justice-is-a-weapon]

(1) Update on my exams:

I finished Geography today and ngl it went pretty well! We had two topics to choose from: London or Argentina. I picked London. It was a lot of urban geography and some coastal stuff. Dunno if I understood the assignment correctly tho. But hey I ended up writing 12 pages so maybe it won’t be too bad :)

The next one is German on Wednesday and I have a feeling it’s going to be hard af (those German finals have a reputation for a reason). But my teacher is counting on me and I’ll try to not disappoint oof.

Much love and take care,

Marley ♥︎

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 14 / ?

previous | next

TW: they fight, Dazai is kind of an ass and reader is too I guess?, yeah this is kinda angsty, oh and lot’s of swearing

Dazai continued to make attempts at chasing me away after that. I had resorted to just ignoring it when he was acting so repulsive.

I had begun to notice a pattern. He was trying different tactics every time I visited. It felt like a thought out plan to get me to leave, kind of like he declared war on me, a war with different battles to fight and the goal to win in the end. Each “phase” of his war was a different tactic. Phase one had been being aloof: Dazai withdrew emotionally and physically, refusing to engage with his friends or shutting down conversations. He became distant and unresponsive, making it difficult for his friends to connect with him. This was the part in which he had ghosted me and locked himself in his room.

Secondly there was downplaying his symptoms, which hadn’t fooled me at all. In this second phase Dazai might try to minimize his depression and make it seem like it's not as bad as it really is. He might say things like, "I'm fine, it's just a little sadness," or "It's nothing, I just need some time alone." That was how my first visit and his reply to my texts after it had been like. It read:

[Dazai]: “Sorry for not responding to you sooner. I just had a lot to do and I guess I just got a bit exhausted from that.”

I had also already gotten to experience phase three: Making jokes or being sarcastic. Dazai was known for his dark humor, and he used it as a defense mechanism to deflect attention away from his mental turmoil. He might crack jokes about his situation or make sarcastic comments like, "Oh, sure, let's have a pity party." Phase three was the least problematic to me and the easiest to handle since I was already used to it to begin with. It was part of his personality. It was an ongoing theme more than a phase of his plan, but also part of his tactic.

Now I was entering phase four however. It had been a week since I first entered Dazai’s apartment. He still let me in for some reason. I don’t know if it was because I was cooking him meals or because he wanted to see how long I’d last.

Phase four was being evasive: Dazai might avoid direct questions or change the subject when his friends try to talk to him about his depression. He might say things like, "Let's not talk about that right now," or "I don't want to burden you with my problems." I liked that he at least acknowledged that he had a problem when in this phase. Yet he was getting nowhere with it. We were both aware that he had an issue that needed to be dealt with but refused to face it.

And I wouldn’t give up on him.

He tried too and wouldn't give up either, but when he noticed all this didn’t seem to work however, he went with a different route. This time, an even more aggravating one.

One time he was getting particularly moody, telling me to just bugger off. That’s when I knew I had entered phase five. Thankfully this would turn out to be the last one but also the most brutal one that I would have to endure. It would make me crack finally.

Phase five in Dazai’s plan on “how to get your friend to leave you during your depressive episode even though you know you need help and a shoulder to lean onto” only included one thing:

Acting aggressively.

He had shown me a snippet of it by telling me sternly to get out the first time.

But let me explain to you more clearly so you get the idea of it: In some cases, Dazai might lash out at said friend and become angry or hostile. He might feel like this said friend is trying to control him or make him feel better when he doesn't want to, and this could lead to arguments or fights like the one I was experiencing now.

He kept lashing out at me the whole day, telling me to piss off. But I was persistent. Even when he was telling me all that while I just wanted to know if I should clean the bathroom for him. It was seriously gross and he really needed to shower sometime.

“So about that bathroom of yours-“, I began to speak but he interrupted me.

"I don't need your concern," Dazai spat. "I don't need anyone's help. I can handle this on my own."

“Dazai, It’s filthy. I know you’re hurting, that’s why I’m here. You need to shower sometime and I know you won’t when It’s like this. Because if it stays like that, I know I personally wouldn’t shower in there.”

He gave me a sharp look but I continued.

“And if you really think you can handle all this on your own, and with that I mean not only your bathroom but rather your whole situation, you’re going to kill yourself doing it.”

That’s when he got up. I had triggered something. Shit. He got louder and snapped.

“Well that’s what I’ve been trying to do anyway! Don’t you get it, Ophelia?!”

Dazai then shook his head and scoffed.

"You don't understand," he said bitterly. "You can't possibly understand what I'm going through. So don't pretend like you do."

That’s when I started getting angry. Okay angry was an understatement. I was livid, raging, furious. I could’ve been more calm about this. I was definitely out of shape. He had me.

“Okay Dazai, let's turn this question around, why don’t we? What do you even know about me, huh? I never said I knew anything about you. I am in no way, shape or form a psychoanalyst or any of that shit. I know that I know nothing about you Dazai.”

“And still you act like you do.”

I got louder now as well to drown him out, to let me speak.

“What I’m trying to say here is that you know nothing about me either. For fucks sake, Dazai, you can’t truly believe that Ophelia is my true name, don’t you? You’re smarter than that.”

“I know that, holy cow...”

“I don’t know what the hell happened to you, what fucked you up this badly but you can’t just jump out into the sea and off yourself! Or do! I don’t care if that’s what you want! But I at least want to be there for you while you still reside on this earth.”

My breathing was heavy and fast. I was out of breath.

“I don’t think we’re all too different alright? You and me, we’ve both been through some shit and I can see it. Maybe that’s why we work out usually. Because we don’t judge each other for what happened. Why can’t we? Because: We. Don’t. Know.”

I didn’t have the energy for this right now.

“I don’t need to know Dazai. I’m not onto you. Not everyone out there want’s to fuck you over. And maybe, just maybe, if you don’t give up life now you’ll find a Yokohama, a golden city, like I did. I really hope that for you.”

For a moment I could’ve sworn I saw his gaze soften. Dazai was deep in thought and it was quiet. Please don’t make me have another outburst like that. Then his gaze hardened again and I knew I was fucked.

In the calmest voice he spoke these words:

“Well to someone that grew up living at a garbage dump even trash can look like gold. You said it yourself. You don’t have a home. That’s why you believe this could be one. Because you have no idea what a home even is! This might look like one but it isn’t. It’s just a filthy old city smeared with the blood of the innocent.”

I was not thinking as rationally as Dazai at the moment. He was just to provoke me and I fell right for it. I wasn’t tactical. I was too emotional. That’s why I broke.

“I’ve tried to be anything but kind to you this entire time. I want to be there for you alright? And you? You’ve been a total cunt to me! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You’re an absolute arsehole Dazai Osamu. That’s what you are.”

He had caught me in a moment weak. But Dazai provoked me even further. Changing tactics once again, now taunting me.

“That’s why you cling to me, Ophelia. Because you have nothing.”

This had caused me to kind of sober up. I’ve had enough. I grabbed him by his collar, pulling him towards me.

“Stop treating me like someone who’s madly obsessed with you. Trust me, Dazai, if I wanted to leave, I could leave any second.”

“But you don’t want to.”

“Now? Yes. I still have hope. Later? Who knows. Depends on how you treat me. Because I’m not someone you can hit again and again and will still follow your orders. I’ll shoot you if I need to Dazai. You’re not the only dangerous person in this room.”

I let go of him after that. He halted for a second. The word “dangerous” had caught him off guard. I had implied it before but this was the first time I had explicitly said it. He turned to me.

“Oh is that so? I’m sure I am much worse than you.”

I raised my voice and pointed a finger at him.

“You’re the devil Dazai Osamu. Satan, I’m pretty sure. But I’m Mephisto. So we walk side by side and I am most definitely not afraid of you”, I spat, “So fuck you.”

Dazai went completely quiet and curled up the slightest bit, retreating. He must’ve realized what he had done. He had just fucked up big time. I won’t back down. If there’s anything I am good at, It’s being goddamn persistent and he’ll have to deal with that.

“If you need me I’ll be outside. I need some fresh air to calm down. I’ll check if you have any mail while I’m at it.”

With that I left.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[Kinda freaking out right now because I’m writing one of the most important exams in my life tomorrow (+ on Wednesday and Friday). Like holy shit I am so stressed rn. Wish me luck while I try not to fail… ANYWAYS here’s some angst for you. That way I’m not the only one suffering.]

[tianatwitty-deactivated20141228]

Please make this go viral.

It is so important I don’t even care if you delete what I write here, just help it be seen. 

[own-your-weird-deactivated20150]

Reblog.

[calzonegod]

If you don’t reblog get the fuck out of here

[theludicrousrival]

U.S. National Suicide Hotline: [phone] 

Live chat services are also available for anyone who doesn’t feel comfortable with making phone calls/talking on the phone. 

Please reach out when you are struggling. You deserve so much more out of this life. Don’t ever forget that somebody loves you. 

[amberstorm-splash]

I don’t know what to add. Just, be safe out there. People will love you.

[dreamallthememes]

If you need help, talk to people. Stay strong peeps.

[harulikesyou-deactivated2022012]

stay strong you guys.

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 13 | ?

previous | next

TW: themes of depression and mentions of food

I ended up settling on miso soup and yakimeshi. It was easy to make and not all too time consuming. That’s exactly what a depressed man like Dazai needed right now. I wanted him to feel comfortable so I thought a Japanese dish would do just fine. Something warm and comforting. The food should feel like a warm hug, even if he didn’t have an appetite. I just wanted him to eat at least something. Anything. Then I’d be happy.

After I was done I returned to his futon. As expected he laid there, back turned to me but his eyes open, staring at nothing in particular. I moved in front of him in order to move the bottles from the table. Most were lying around him on the floor, but for now I only needed space on the table. The rest could be taken care of later. I took the ones from the table to the kitchen and returned with my arms full with food, water and an advil in case he needed it.

“There you go. No three course meal but a still a meal.”

He got up slowly. Gosh, he looked awful. He looked sick. Pale face, very greasy, unkempt hair, dark shadows under his eyes. Dazai had a bland look on his face when he began to talk.

“Don’t look at me like I’m a cat that just got run over.”

“Sorry. It’s just-”

“What?”

“I know you maybe don’t want it, but I just want to help.”

“Because you pity me?”

“No Dazai, I’m concerned.”

“Same difference.”

“Well there is a difference.”

“Enlighten me. What does your so called concern look like then and how the fuck does it differ from mere pity?”

He got a bit louder now. I got why he was annoyed. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life it’s that when it comes to these types of conversations you don’t fight fire with fire, de-escalate, do not let yourself be provoked. I held back and tried to explain as calmly as possible:

“Genuine concern is typically driven by a desire to help or support someone, while pity is often motivated by a sense of superiority or a desire to feel good about oneself.”

He sighed, almost looking defeated but also annoyed.

“I forgot how well educated you were.”

I didn’t know if that was a compliment or an insult.

“So what I’m trying to say: I’m in no way superior to you or see you as anything less than me. We’re on the same page here. I just want to help a friend out.”

“You want to help Atsushi.”

“No Dazai, you are said friend”, a sharp look from him, “We’re friends last time I checked.”

He gave a hum.

“So? Want to eat?”

“Want? Not really. Need? Probably.”

This Dazai I got to know that day was a different one for sure. Okay, maybe not a different Dazai entirely. More so a side of Dazai that I hadn’t got used to yet. I won’t force him to do anything if it can be helped. I’ll just make little suggestions here and there, I've decided. So I asked him carefully.

“Can you try?”

Dazai exhaled again, then looked down in his lap and seemed to be thinking for a moment. But then he actually did as I said. He actually began eating. I took that as my sign to start eating as well. It was very silent the whole time. He ended up not finishing his portion but I smiled slightly nonetheless. He had eaten and that was my goal. I put the advil in front of him.

“In case you need it.”

“For what?”

“Judging by all this,” I pointed to the empty bottles, “I thought you might be hungover.”

“Oh so you noticed?”

“Hard not to.”

Dazai took it.

“By the way, want me to take care of that?”

“Do as you please. I don’t care.”

I began cleaning, taking the empty bottles and bringing them outside one by one. Dazai watched me the whole time, eyed me suspiciously, as if to make sure I was really just getting rid of those sake bottles. I was just glad he didn’t close the door on me. When I returned I sat down in front of him.

“Got anything else to take care of?”

His eyes wandered back and forth, from my left eye to the right, surprised to find me still with him. He looked confused, almost like a lost child for a second. I gave him a short smile. Then he slowly shook his head. I then decided to talk to him some more.

“By the way I met another colleague of yours. Young girl. Her name was Kyouka.”

“Oh? You did?”

“Yes. She was quite nice. I like her, she’s funny.”

He nodded.

“Understandable. Kyouka is still a bit lost some of the time though. However she has gained quite a bit of personality while being with the agency. I think it makes us all happy to see her finally be able to blossom.”

We ended up talking for a bit and I completely forgot about the time. Plus I didn’t want to bother him any longer. Although I felt like he was glad to have someone to talk to in the end, he had already tried to kick me out once before and I didn’t want to provoke him to do that a second time.

“You can bet your ass I’ll be back Dazai. I hope you know that.”

“I know… I know…”

“I'll be all over you like white on rice.”

“I know.”

“Cling to you like a limpet.”

“Got that.”

“Even if you’re an asshole sometimes.”

That one made him chuckle.

“Don't think I forgot that time you pushed me into the rain.”

“Ohh… I’m in trouble.”

There, peeking through, was the teasing Dazai I remembered and missed so dearly.

“I better get going now.”

“Thank God."

This earned him a dissatisfied look from me.

“Remember: I’ll be back.”

“Back like a bad rash.”

I stuck out my tongue to him which made him grin.

I then turned to leave. He stayed behind. Walking takes energy after all. Grabbing my coat and putting it on, I reached into my pockets for my gloves. What surprised me was that they were nowhere to be found. I was sure I had put them in my pockets when I entered. Had I misplaced them? I shouted to gain Dazai’s attention.

“Hey, have you seen my gloves lying around?”

“No?”

I came back to the living room where Dazai was sitting.

“Really? No idea?”

He shook his head. I thought about where they could be. I took a deep breath, then exhaled, then passed Dazai and walked towards the window. There they were, right behind the curtains on the windowsill, folded neatly. I glanced back at him and smiled.

“Found ‘em.”

I then made my way back to the door.

“You’ll be alright?”

“Can’t promise anything in the long run. But for now? Yes. Yes, I think so.”

With that I took my leave.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[So basically I’m dying because I’ve only been studying Geography for the last week and still need to study for two other subjects… But yeah I’m totally fine (I’ll keep telling myself that I guess). Next chapter will probably be out by next weekend so be prepared because Dazai will be a pain to deal with when he’s in this state even if he seemed to be kind of okay at the end of this chapter.]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

❣︎Tiny announcement:❣︎

So basically I’m going to be busy for the next three weeks since I’ll be studying day and night for my finals… But do not worry! I have two more chapters for in vino veritas ready to be published! You’ll already suffer enough because of their contents so I thought about maybe publishing them this and next weekend/Wednesday the 26th? Chapter 15 might take a while tho since I haven’t started writing that yet. Also should I keep you updated on how my finals went? Would that interest you guys?

What are your thoughts?

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 12 / ?

previous | next

TW: Swearing and themes of depression, also Dazai and the reader are kind of acting like assholes

Dazai lived in a small apartment complex. Atsushi had explained it was the “Armed Detective Agency Dormitory”, a two-floor apartment with a total of 6 rooms. Apparently he lived there too. It seemed like an alright place to stay. Not too expensive either. Although I thought I would personally have to get used to its exterior. It was just plain concrete. But who am I to talk I lived in one of the murkiest parts of the town after all. However I thought the brown doors held a certain charm. And in front of one of those I was standing at the moment.

Holding the plastic bag of food in one hand I knocked on the door with the other. Taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. I wasn’t supposed to be standing here. We said no personal business. No intruding of the others' privacy. Good thing I’m bad at following rules because I’m sure this dude would have already been dead if it weren’t for people like me and this Atsushi guy.

No response. So I just tried the door handle. The door was unlocked to my surprise. It was dark and the air was bad in Dazai’s apartment. All windows had been closed and all of the blinds drawn. He had shut out the entire outside world.

Figuring out where everything was didn’t take me long. The apartment was rather small and there was little to no decoration. I went into the kitchen first. I put down the groceries and took a deep breath. I felt like an intruder and didn’t even know if he was even here. If he was, this could be very awkward. Should I look around for him? Should I open the blinds and windows, let in fresh air? Every move I made felt so awfully forbidden. My feet dragged me to the next room. He was here. I sensed him. Fucking hell.

I need to let in fresh air.

So in a few quick strides I crossed the room. I stood in front of the window. The light and air from outside fill the room. I got the courage to finally glance back and look at the futon in the room I’d been too afraid to look at.

Dazai lay there sleeping on the futon, surrounded by half to fully empty sake bottles. There were so many of them that I didn’t even bother to count. He looked weirdly small for a man his size when in this vulnerable state. He didn’t wake up. He just slept. He looked drained, his eye bags more prominent and he looked thinner. I felt a sense of worry forming inside of me. I could’ve been here sooner. He looked miserable doing something so simple, just sleeping, something usually so calm and relaxing.

What happened?

I leaned against the windowsill.

He was breathing slowly. I could see the blanket he was lying under move ever so slightly. Up, then down, then up again. I would definitely stay for as long as he would have me. Maybe even longer. I guessed that in order to figure out what had happened I needed to talk to the man and it felt strange just watching him sleep like that. I know, I know, it’s not a great idea to randomly wake someone who had previously made it pretty clear he wanted to be left alone (I personally would have slapped the one waking me from my slumber to be honest) but I needed this closure.

I decided to make my presence known to him. Taking a deep breath I cleared my throat, then called out to him:

“Dazai? Dazai wake up.”

When he opened his eyes, dizzily and appearing to not be quite there yet, he propped himself up on his arms. He didn’t notice me for quite a while. He looked a bit hungover. Dazai just stared into nothingness, quiet with a scowl on his face. I moved a little, putting the leg down that I had previously leaned on the wall. That must’ve startled him. In the blink of an eye his eyes were on me. They grew wider, his expression shocked, his mouth agape. He leapt onto me, arms circling my feet.

What the actual fuck was going on?

Then I heard it. His mumbling.

“Oda?… Oda?” His grip on me tightened “Odasaku, is that really you?”

His voice was full of heartbreak, shock but also relief. His breathing was uneven. His heartbeat was unnatural. Dazai was a mess.

That’s when it hit me: He must’ve confused me with somebody else. He couldn’t make out my face with that lighting and his still dizzy state. While I did wonder about this “Odasaku” guy, I wanted to spare him any further pouring out of his heart to me just to end up being disappointed by my presence. These things felt like things I should not know. Or at least things I should only be told when he was sure he actually wanted to tell me. So I spoke to let him know. I may be an asshole but I’m an asshole with morals. I was quiet in order not to startle him.

“I’m sorry Dazai. I’m not Odasaku.”

His grip loosened. He looked up. Then to the side. Then up again. His eyes looked glassy. After a while he retreated back to his futon. I just stood there, unsure what to do with myself. His voice was also quiet, but monotone now. He dared not to look at me. Sitting still he stared at his hands in his lap. While I was scared I also was strangely fascinated again. The man seemed to have sobered up in seconds.

“What are you doing here?”

I paused. What am I doing here? This whole ordeal was not my business. I just blindly accepted Atsushi’s request. I knew the answer to the question deep down. “I care about you Dazai, a lot, and your friend asked me for help. So I’m making sure you don’t die on me. It pains me to see you like this and I just want to help you somehow. And you hurt me. You fucking hurt me but that’s the last of my problems when this, you in this state, is what I’m dealing with right now.” (Of course I would never say that out loud.)

Yes, I was definitely too attached to him now. I sighed and ended up saying something different:

“Kind of ran into Atsushi and the guy asked me if I could get some stuff to your place since he’s pretty busy.”

“Oh, Atsushi, huh?"

I nodded slowly and studied him closely. Furrowed eyebrows, he was slightly biting his lip as if thinking to himself. Anyways he continued talking and I decided to not further mention the previous “Odasaku” episode.

“So what did you bring me then?”

He said that in a far too cheerful tone. I didn’t like it. He was trying to hide behind this funny, outgoing character he made up again. Playing along for now I led him to the kitchen, showing him what Atsushi had given me. Soy sauce, some rice vinegar, miso, soba noodles, udon and ramen were only part of the heap of food items Atsushi had gotten. I already made my way to the fridge and pantry to stock up. It was empty. The only things left were a bit of rice and instant noodles. What had this guy been living off? I was getting increasingly more worried.

“Well thank you for getting all that to my doorstep!”

I couldn’t help but hear the slightest bit of irony in his voice.

“How did you get in though?”

“You left the door open.”

I may have sounded cold.

“Oh I did? Oops!”

Now Dazai was getting on my nerves.

“But yeah, I think you probably have better things to do now, right? So you'd better get going.”

Yep that was it. He was trying to kick me out again.

“Actually, Dazai, no I do not. I have a day off and didn’t know what to do with it anyway.”

I took a deep breath. Keep calm. Do not let yourself be provoked. You know better.

But once I looked at his face again, seeing that agitating smile I wanted to wipe off with my fist…

I failed at all that. Dazai had a way too punchable face right now. I’ve had enough. This grown man would not be playing me up. “Happy”, my ass!

But I spoke, still in a calm tone even when boiling on the inside.

“Also quit that bullshit.”

His smile faltered. He knew I had caught him.

“Dazai, you and I both know this is just a facade. That happy go lucky persona of yours. It’ll collapse as soon as I set one foot out this fucking door. The moment all doors are closed the emptiness crawls back to you and then you’ll return to your normal state. The state of misery. I can talk bull to myself on my own. I don’t need you to do that for me, okay?”

His smile now completely vanished. I was met with a blank face and harsh words.

“Get out.”

I had expected something along those lines and I mean, it was fair. I had been harsh as well. I had expected him to say this. Either that or him trying to deny everything. But I was glad he didn’t take that second option.

I stood my ground. If I left now of all times he’d be slipping through my fingers. So I shook my head. I didn’t even care if he’d smack me across the face for that but someone had to do it. And I had nothing left to lose. He looked at me, not quite believing that I had the audacity to not do as he said.

Yes Dazai. I am crazy. You heard me. I know you are too but maybe that’s why we got along to begin with.

“Get. Out.” He repeated. His words were even louder now.

I stood there in his kitchen for a good five minutes, completely silent, unfazed. I kept eye contact as best as I could. I was not going to crack or back down any time soon and I came to make that clear. He kept his eyes on me the whole time too. It was like a sick standoff of some sorts. But I knew I had an advantage this time. Dazai may be very resistant usually but he wasn’t fit enough to do so right now. He was far too weak. This had been gnawing at him for a while now. And he knew that. Dazai is a smart dude.

So finally, he broke the silence.

“I know I am a tragic joke, you don’t have to tell me. I hate myself for having lost my own humanity.”

He then walked away, probably returning to the futon. Standing in the doorframe, he glanced back once again to me.

“No scratch that. I’ve never had humanity in myself to begin with.”

Those sentences hit me like a truck. I had come quite prepared if I say so myself but this caught me completely off guard. Yet I tried to keep my cool, not press too much. I had questions, a lot of them, but my priority was getting Dazai back on track for now. I had made a promise to Atsushi after all. So as he left I called after him from the kitchen one last time.

“I’ll make us something to eat now.”

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[So three weeks until finals for me I guess… And you’ll get some angst these next few chapters. I’m really hoping that I can stay true to Dazai’s character with this story. Can be a bit difficult when writing “unhappy” scenes like this tho. But yeah at least we know what’s up with Dazai now: It’s a rather harsh depressive episode. I feel like Dazai would push people away during that type of situation so that’s exactly what I’m trying to make him do. So excuse the language in the next few chapters.]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

Tiny sketch I made of Akutagawa today ⇩

Thought I’d share :)

(My favorite emo opossum man fr)

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 11 | ?

previous | next

TW: some symptoms of an anxiety attack / reader has a sensory overload at the end and some swearing

It all changed one morning while I had decided to take a stroll through Yokohama Chinatown. It was quite cold that day so I was wearing a thick woolen coat and gloves. It was pretty windy too. I had a day off with no gigs to play so I thought I might just look at the town.

Who I didn’t expect to see however was a familiar face. I could recognize that choppy, white haircut even from afar. It was Atsushi, the boy that Dazai had taken under his wing. With him was a girl, I think about 14 years old. She was wearing a kimono with a sprout-like pattern and seemed rather reserved from what I could tell. She didn’t gesture as much as Atsushi did. Her hands mostly kept to her sides.

Atsushi seemed to notice me as well since he started waving enthusiastically. I decided to come over to him and say hello. At least I would have something to do then.

“Ophelia, was it?”

He seemed a bit unsure but happy to see me.

“Yes. Atsushi, right? You’re Dazai’s colleague."

He nodded.

“Oh that’s Kyouka by the way”, he pointed at the girl, “She’s also a colleague of mine. I believe you haven’t met yet.”

She gave a short “hello”. I took another look at her.

“Isn’t she a bit young to work in a detective agency?”

Atsushi laughed nervously and tried to explain himself, which he totally failed at might I add, and kept glancing at Kyouka to help him out. I ended up not asking any further. Instead I corrected myself, telling him not to worry and that it had only been a joke. I asked another question to make small talk.

“So what have you two been up to?”

“Oh just some groceries mostly but we need to go like 10 other places too? I don’t know why they always make me do all the side jobs as well.”

Kyouka looked at him with a deadpan face.

“You suck at paperwork, Atsushi.”

Yep, I was beginning to like this girl already. I had to chuckle quite a bit. Atsushi got red at that, feeling like he had been exposed.

“Kyouka, you know I can’t spell for shit. Yeah but anyways back to the topic: We actually wanted to go get crêpes,” he glanced at the crêpe booth longingly (I think I actually heard his stomach growling at that), then he made a face,“I think there won’t be any time for that though.”

I don’t know what came over me when I started talking. Maybe I had felt a bit of pity for the boy. He was young. He should enjoy himself. Also this would give me an excuse to keep myself busy.

“Is there something I could help with? I don’t have anything to do anyways.”

Atsushi looked surprised.

“You really don’t need to!”

“Don’t worry man. I seriously have nothing better to do.”

Then he glanced at Kyouka as if to check if it was alright to give me an answer.

“I mean there’s one thing.”

Kyouka continued talking for him.

“You know Dazai, right? At least that’s what I’ve gathered. We need to drop off some stuff at his place. You could bring him that. He’ll may like to see a face not related to work. He doesn’t like work.”

Atsushi nodded at that.

“Yeah, he kind of forgets to buy groceries sometimes. Or to leave his house for that matter…”

I swallowed hard. This was the chance I’ve been waiting for. But somehow this felt illegal. “All personal things you will get to know about me will be told to you by my humble self”, his voice said in the back of my head. Yep he definitely wouldn’t want me ringing his doorbell, showing up out of nowhere.

However, I thought: But who was I to follow rules made up by someone? So I will liberate myself from my self-inflicted immaturity! Sapere aude! I’ll do what seems reasonable to my humble self, not him. So for now I would ignore that rule. I decided to ignore it just like he had ignored me. Serves you right. Was I being petty? Maybe.

So I said:

“Oh I can totally go drop that off. I just don’t remember his address. We usually meet at my place.”

Atsushi then gave me the address. Adrenaline was now rushing through my whole body. I didn’t know if I was happy or scared of what’s about to come. Atsushi then asked me for another favor.

“You’re friends right? You reckon you could check if he’s doing well in there? He hasn’t left the house in a couple of days as far as I know. We don’t see him much these days.”

I made a face. Fucking hell. So I was right to worry. I knew I was scared of seeing him. But now I also knew I needed to see him. Under the pretense of a welfare check issued by Atsushi of course.

“Yeah I’ll do that. I’ve been worried too, y'know?”

The boy smiled at me after that and handed me the plastic bags.

“Thank you so much! I’ll make sure to return the favor when I’m given the chance.”

With that they took their leave. I was still shaken up. Had I really just agreed to this?

When shaken up I get overwhelmed pretty quickly. The full streets here in Chinatown didn’t help either. All the sounds and smells confused me beyond belief while I was painstakingly aware of my own heartbeat. I needed to get out of here. At least for a minute or two. I ended up disappearing into an alleyway to calm down and sat on the pavement.

“Holy shit.” I ran my fingers through my hair. Nope. I wasn’t going to do it after all. This was too much. Dazai and the world could go fuck themselves. I hated it. I hated those sounds and those smells and those-

I then heard a sound. Like something had been thrown over. I stared down the alleyway seeing something move. Adjusting I could slowly figure out what it had been. Nothing more than a mere stray puppy. It looked at me and turned its head to the side. Yeah I’d be confused too seeing a random person panting and shaking on a sidewalk. I began to talk.

“Oh hey there. You good?”

It slowly began walking towards me. Then sniffing. Then wagging its tail. “Friend”, the puppy must’ve decided. I reckoned it also wanted a break from the busy street.

“Also overwhelmed by all the smells? I feel you buddy.”

After a few tries it ended up letting me pet it. I dragged my hand over its smooth brown fur. It felt nice, calmed me in a way. This felt like a sign that I should go through with it and get my ass up to see Dazai, get myself together. I wouldn’t tell him I had just pet a stray dog though. He’d probably stand five meters away from me after hearing that. I think if it had been a cat however he would’ve been fine with it. My mind was clearer now. I ended up giving the puppy the plain rice I had left over from the lunch I had taken with me. I had already eaten most of it out of boredom and I felt like I should pay this little fellow for helping me in a way.

Because stray dogs help each other.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[Can you tell the reader is getting increasingly more stressed out? Yeah… They’re just like me fr. BECAUSE I’M FREAKING OUT AS WELL. I have some of the most important exams of my life coming up in a few weeks and never really learned how to study, which is just GREAT (please tell me you could hear the sarcasm). Anyways I still will try to upload. I may be a bit inconsistent but I still want to provide you guys with further chapters. But be prepared for what’s coming because (as you may have guessed by the tags) Dazai is an asshole and a mess.]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 10 / ?

previous | next

TW: The reader mentions using alcohol to cope and A LOT of swearing

!There’s a lot of German being spoken in this one. Don’t worry I put the translation in brackets behind the actual words being said!

e.g.: “Guten Tag!” [Good day!]

During my time spent alone I resorted to coming to bars. Maybe in hope to stumble upon him but he was nowhere to be seen. I had tried to contact him by texting him if he wanted to meet up but I was left on read. Dazai, this fucker, had successfully ghosted me. I was increasingly becoming more annoyed and yet still clung to this idea that “maybe he was just busy”. As I said, I frequently visited different bars in Yokohama, and no I totally didn’t try to drink away the pain of being left without a warning. I was telling myself I just had to “have fun again” and what better way doing that than with several vodka shots or a cuba libre.

So that’s why I was sitting here, four weeks after not having heard from this dunce, in another bar I had already forgotten the name of. It was already late but I was determined to wait just a little longer. I knew he worked mostly at dusk. Sometimes at night. So I had hoped he may go for an after work drink. Gosh I was so stupid. I was waiting like a foolish little dog for his owner after it had been abandoned at the side of the street. Maybe that’s what I was. A silly little stray dog.

I then heard the door open.

A guy with a fancy hat entered the bar. He was about 5 feet tall. Okay, maybe 5’3. He had ginger hair and quite a strong build for such a short dude. His clothes looked expensive and his gloves seemed to be made of the finest leather. So it was even funnier to see a guy like this, stumbling around in a bar at 2 am, barely being able to stand up straight. He swung himself from one chair to the next in order to not fall. I tried not to laugh, sensing I might get in trouble for it later on.

A thing you should know about me is that I seem to magically attract drunk people. Somehow one will always take a seat right next to me at some point and then starts rambling to me about their day, their wife, their financial problems or whatever. I don’t even think I look that approachable but as someone who sits alone most of the time I get unwanted company every so often.

And that seemed to be the case once again because the guy I’ve now settled on looking like a human puss in boots took a seat right next to me. And just like expected he started to ramble, his speech quite slurred and in a loud tone. Even the bartender looked a bit frightened.

“My ex-partner is such a fucking arsehole!”

I’m not religious in the slightest but right then I was praying to God to please spare me this time.

“Like- You see this dude- That man has the audacity to just show up, at my work that is, and act like nothing ever happened!”

Fucking hell, this dude is completely nuts.

I got an idea to maybe get myself out of this situation. I looked at him in a confused manner and then spoke in the most German accent I could muster, in a mix of English and German: “Oh sorry I not speak any Japanese. Ich kann nur Deutsch. Ich hab keine Ahnung was Sie von mir wollen” [I can only speak German. I have no idea what you want from me.]

I am a fucking genius.

Mentally I gave myself a high five. This was the most genius idea I’ve ever had for sure and I could enjoy my drink in peace, then go home and watch another one of those reality tv shows that escalate way too quickly while falling asleep on the couch. This was the good life for sure. At least I thought so when I heard his agitating, grating voice again.

"Oh, warum hast du das nicht gleich gesagt? Also wo war ich… Ach ja! Mein Kollege, okay Ex-Kollege-“ [Oh why didn’t you tell me from the beginning? So where was I… Oh yeah! My colleague, okay ex colleague-]

You have to be fucking kidding me. If there was a God out there this must’ve been his punishment for me never really going to church. I just wanted to disappear into the bar before me and never return again. I would have expected anything from this night really but an angry ginger ranting to me about his ex partner was not on my list of probable events. His usage of the informal “you” also made my blood boil ever so slightly. Like dude, you do not know me and I’m of age at least be more formal. We’re not friends alright?

Yet I still tried to listen and nod along. I didn’t want any more trouble in my life and I doubted I could win a lawsuit against this guy.

“Und dann denkt dieser… Dieser ARSCHLOCH, er könnte einfach so bei uns einbrechen, weil ‘er braucht was’, und er reduziert mich dann immer auf meine Größe! Ich hab… Wie heißt das? Durchschnitt! Durschnitt-Größe!” [And then this… this asshole, thinks he could just break into our place because ‘he needs something’ and he always reduces me to my height! I have… what is it called? Average! Average height!]

I excused him his few grammatical errors. To be quite fair I was pretty impressed. He clearly had a lot to drink and let me tell you: I can’t speak German that well if I had as much as this guy had. Maybe this could be an interesting conversation after all.

“Okay ich check’s aber immer noch nich’ ganz: Dein Ex-Kollege? Ex-Partner? Der kommt trotzdem noch?” [Okay, but I still don't quite get it: Your ex-colleague? Ex partner? Is he still coming?]

“Ja!” [Yes!]

“Und warum stört er dich jetzt so sehr?” [And why does he bother you that much?]

“Weil er mich einfach verlassen hat, verdammt! This.. this son of a bitch… Er hat mich einfach so im Stich gelassen! Ich habe ihm vertraut! Und dann geht er!” [Because he just left me, dammit! This.. this son of a bitch… he just let me down like that! I trusted him! And then he leaves!]

He takes a deep breath then hits the bar counter, making me jump. He then looks at me.

“Ich bin mir sicher, für solche Leute gibt es einen ganz bestimmten Platz in der Hölle. Ich weiß, ich werde da auch landen, aber er hat ein VIP-Ticket.”[I'm sure there's a special place in hell for people like that. I know I'll end up there too, but he has a VIP ticket.]

Oh shit that got real deep real fast.

“Das hört sich persönlich an… Ganz sicher, dass ihr nur Kollegen wart? Nich’ mehr? Oder interpretier ich da was falsch?” [That sounds personal... Are you sure you were just colleagues? Nothing more? Or am I interpreting something wrong?]

I can’t tell if the red on his cheeks is from the alcohol in his system or if he feels called out.

“Weißt du was? Lass uns Wein trinken!” [You know what? Let’s drink wine!]

My eyes widened. I may be able to pay for cheap liquor but I’m definitely not going to order myself expensive wine just for fun. Maybe I should make that clear. He already seemed to order the most expensive bottle of the house.

“Oh sorry aber dafür hab ich kein-“ [Oh sorry but I don’t have any-]

“Ich zahle, du hörst zu. Deal?” [I pay, you listen. Deal?]

I just nodded.

“Warte… Wie heißt du nochmal?” [Wait… What’s your name again?]

I stopped and stared for a second. Shit. I need a name. That’s when I spotted a bottle of Jack Daniel’s behind the barkeeper. Maybe I could use that.

"Daniel. Ich heiß’ Daniel” [Daniel. My name is Daniel.]

He nodded then telling me his and giving me a handshake.

“Chuuya. Chuuya Nakahara. Schön Sie kennenzulernen.” [Chuuya. Chuuya Nakahara. Nice to meet you (formal)]

Oh wow so he was capable of using the formal form the whole time. But I had another problem: I was slowly realizing what kind of guy I must be dealing with here. I had heard of him before. The amount of money this dude had, the coat, the gloves and the fact that the bartender was scared shitless and yet didn’t kick him out. This man right before me was a mafioso. I began to sweat. How have I not noticed before? This was bad. So very bad.

The glass of wine was placed right in front of me just a minute later. Chuuya had already started talking my ear off. Somehow I felt sorry for him. He seemed so hurt, desperate even, in the way he talked. I felt the urge to maybe stroke his back and tell him to “let it all out” but ultimately decided against it, unsure if he even liked touch as a form of comfort. What was striking however was the similarities in our situations.

“Und dann geht er immer. Einfach so. Ohne etwas zu sagen.” [And then he leaves. Just like that. Without saying anything.]

He took a deep breath.

“Und dann bin ich allein.” [And then I’m alone.]

He had calmed down now. The anger had turned into sadness. Not exactly a better feeling but one I could deal with more easily.

“Ich versteh dich, um ehrlich zu sein. Ich wurde auch letztens erst geghostet. Ich weiß immer noch nicht, ob ich weiter warten soll. Gott , ich weiß nicht mal, ob ich ihn überhaupt als Arschloch abstempeln kann, obwohl ich ganz genau weiß dass ich ihn nicht verlassen hab, sondern er mich.” [I get you to be honest. I was recently ghosted too. I still don't know if I should wait any longer. God, I don't even know if I can even label him an asshole, although I know for a fact that I didn't leave him, he left me.]

He looked at me with a sense of pity, then looked at his glass, then furrowed his eyebrows. After that he clinked our wine glasses together and announced proudly:

“SCHEISS AUF MÄNNER! DIE KÖNNEN MICH ALLE MAL! DIE HABEN UNS NICHT VERDIENT!” [FUCK MEN! THEY CAN ALL GO FUCK THEMSELVES! THEY DON’T DESERVE US!]

I laughed loudly at that and he did too. I was beginning to kind of like this dude. I raised an eyebrow while smiling at him.

“Aber bist du nicht selbst einer?” [But aren’t you one yourself?]

His confident smile dropped for a split second.

“Hahaha! Wir ignorieren das mal.” [Hahaha! We’re going to ignore that.]

I had a lot of fun (and wine for that matter) with Chuuya that night. It felt good to have laughed again after being constantly worried for so long, not knowing what was going to happen next. He had taken my mind off of Dazai. Even if it was only for a night.

It all ended with him getting increasingly more quiet. He was beginning to nod off. He had definitely had too much to drink. How would he get home? He just meant he’d call someone to pick him up. I demanded he do it now but he seemed to struggle with his phone. He finally had enough after trying to press the buttons for about five minutes without achieving anything. I eventually took his phone.

“Wen soll ich anrufen?” [Who should I call?]

I managed to say as softly as possible, trying to show him I genuinely wanted to help.

He managed to croak a “Kouyou… Ozaki” before he finally passed out with his wine glass still in hand. I ended up asking the bartender to fish out her contact and watch Chuuya while I was outside making the phone call. The phone rung three times before someone picked up.

“Please don’t tell me you’re drunk again.”

Straight to the point. I see.

“Uhm… hi?” I ended up stuttering “Well, yes, he kind of is. Blacked out to be quite frank.”

“Who are you and where should I go to pick him up? I’m sorry if he was of any nuisance to you.”

The woman that picked up sounded rather formal and collected in contrast to Chuuya. Her voice was rather nice to listen to.

“Oh no no! He wasn’t a nuisance. Bar Mimi? It’s right next to Miyuki-dori Street, First floor. I don’t know how to describe it any better. We met here because he just started talking to me but no he wasn’t a nuisance. You can tell him I actually have enjoyed his company.”

“I’m sure I will find it.”

With that the call ended. I returned his phone to him, wrote a little note telling him I hoped he got home safely (in German of course), paid and then took my leave.

Thank you Chuuya for this completely absurd but very enlightening night.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[So Ophelia is spending their time alone for now. However this will take a turn in the next few chapters as we will slowly figure out what even happened in the first place. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this (less Dazai-centric) chapter! As to what is going on in my life; I am through with most of my exams for now. The big ones are in April already tho and I’m lowkey freaking out about it. (I’ll just tell myself “in vino veritas” is my preparation for the English exam haha)]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [Dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 9 / ?

previous | next

TW: like one suicide joke from Dazai

Me and Dazai began to grow closer throughout the following weeks. We began to meet or text almost every day, even if it was just for an hour or two. I felt truly happy in Japan. Maybe this would be the place I finally began to settle, having been a wanderer for such a long time.

As we walked the streets of Yokohama I began to lose myself in his words. He had completely bewitched me, my body and soul. He was far too interesting for his own good. I knew that I should keep my distance. That was what my whole life had been about after all. But he? He made it way too difficult for me to do so. I had begun to accept that I had grown fond of him by now. I had grown closer to Dazai and I thought he probably did too, never letting me fully see inside his mind but having me understand his certain quirks. He made an effort to have me understand him just a little bit yet not too much. So I felt like he wanted to let me in, have me closer. Especially now that our shoulders were touching, cramped under my black umbrella. It was raining cats and dogs, yet we had decided to go for our nightly stroll around the town.

We reached an alcove for shelter at some point.

“Ah fuck me. My bandages are all wet.”

I laughed at that.

“I think I might have some toilet paper left at home. You could use that. Wouldn’t look any different.”

He gave me a sour but playful look. Then he began to smirk.

Oh? OH.

Then he pushed me. Right into the rain. I had tried to keep myself dry with the umbrella the whole way here but now my hair clung to my face, wet just like my clothes. I shook my head in disappointment.

“You’re a manchild Dazai.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Nah… I’m just being fair and you are just being boring.”

I took a step forward, now standing directly in front of him but still in the rain. I looked him directly in the eyes.

“Boring?”

He leaned forward, then whispered.

“Yes.”

At that I quickly grabbed him by the hand and pulled. He began to stumble forward. Into the rain with me. His already dark brown hair was becoming even darker with the rain pouring onto it and lost part of its previous fluffyness. He had to move it out of his face with his hands.

“You son of a-“

He looked at me.

“Oh I’m gonna get you good for that!”

Dazai charged at me and I began to run. The few passerbys looked rather confused watching us goofing around and chasing each other through the rain.

Panting, we stopped at some point. The rain had slowly begun to clear up, now only being reduced to a drizzle. It had become quite late.

Dazai asked for the time. After I told him he began to speak.

“I’ve got to go now I’m afraid. Can’t have Kunikida ripping my head off. I want to do that myself. Maybe I could use-“

“Dazai. Not now.”

“Alright, alright… But yeah I have to go. Another case, y’know? Apparently a bigger thing. Something mafia related. So I won’t be getting any sleep today I guess.”

“Ah yes, the sleepless nights of Detective Dazai.”

He had to smirk at that.

“You’re the only one who calls me that.”

"Oh, am I?"

“Yes and I’m not quite sure if I like that.”

I gave a small huff.

“So what shall I call you? What title does our dear Dazai long for?”

“Ideally, I would wish to call myself ‘a good man’ someday.”

I looked at his face. There was a hint of sincerity in his eyes. Although he tried to hide it behind a sly smirk. I had a feeling being “a good man” held much more meaning to him than he’d like the world to know. He tried to have me forget this previous sentence by continuing.

“But Dazai Osamu works as well I guess.”

“Your first name is Osamu?”

“Yeah yeah, quite basic I know.”

“Well I’m German so not really basic to me. If you were you’d be named Paul. Or Jonas. Or ew you could be a Jakob.” I shuddered at the thought “Imagine your name would be Jakob.”

This made Dazai laugh. I loved Dazai’s laugh. At least when it was a sincere one. It made me believe I was doing something right for once. So now it had kind of become my personal mission to hear and make him cackle as often as possible.

We were interrupted by his phone making a noise, telling him it was time to go. He looked at me again. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place. But I was content with this. I was happy and looking at him, he was too. That was all that mattered to me.

Dazai then took a glance to the side before speaking.

“I guess it’s time for me to leave?”

It came out as more of a question.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I don’t want to go if I’m being honest.”

“I know. But they’ll be needing you.”

I gave a sigh feeling a soft smile forming on my lips.

“And you can bet that I’ll be waiting for you and greet you with open arms once you come back.”

“Would I also be greeted with open arms now?”

Yes. You would. I got what he was probably hinting at. So I opened my arms. I didn’t know when I last hugged someone before but getting to hug Dazai felt great. Yes, he may have been still wet from the rain and we were both a bit awkward at first, not knowing where to place our hands and generally the hug didn’t last long at all, but it felt comforting. Dazai smiled afterwards.

“Bye Ophelia.”

“See you around Dazai.”

With that he turned around and left. I decided to shout after him one last time.

“Don’t catch a cold and be careful! You hear me?”

A shout from him came back.

“Yep! Will do!”

I got home with a smile on my face that day.

What I did not know however:

I would end up not seeing Dazai for two and a half months after that.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[Hello hello! We’re going the angsty route from now on. At least for a little bit. Enjoy this last bit of fluff you got this chapter. I have the next chapter written out already so it won’t take that long. I’ll probably upload it in a week. Also please tell me you got that dark era reference. Fun fact: while searching for the ao3 chapter title “Don’t Leave Me Now” by Supertramp was playing (I was looking through some of my old vinyls at the time) and I thought “Yep that’s it. That’s the title.”]

[justice-is-a-weapon]

♥︎Hello my lovely people!♥︎

𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾

This is not a real post but I just wanted to thank everyone for reading my “in vino veritas” series. All those comments I’m getting here and on Ao3 really keep me going so thank you, thank you, thank you! You are all so so amazing and I just wanted to say how happy I am seeing how many people seem to enjoy my story

𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾𐬿𐬾

Love you lots and I hope you are all doing well ♡︎

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 8 / ?

Previous | next

TW: Dazai typical suicide references

When Dazai says he’ll pay there is a good chance he himself won’t. He’ll just get someone else to pay for the both of you.

I should’ve known the moment I set foot into the small restaurant that the bandaged man would definitely not be paying. Dazai sat there at a table in the very back, next to him another man with blonde hair. I didn’t know what to call his haircut. Was it a rat tail? I thought this would probably offend him so I ended up settling on “bound in a low ponytail in the back”. He was tall and slim and kept readjusting his glasses. As I was walking towards them I could hear him ramble about some sort of ideals and Dazai being the one to destroy his chances of fulfilling those. The word “ideal” seemed to fall a lot in general.

I was slowly beginning to think that working at Dazai’s detective agency required two things: to be absolutely nuts and a crazy haircut.

Dazai then seemed to notice me.

“Ophelia! There you are!”

I moved closer to them, ultimately sitting down, saying hello. The blonde man gave a short nod.

“Kunikida Doppo. A pleasure to meet you.”

Then he turned to Dazai.

“Your so-called ‘surprise guest’ I assume?”

Dazai nodded happily, a shit eating grin on his face, then turned to me. Oh he was planning something.

“Oh by the way, my dearest friend Ophelia, did you bring any money?”

I shook my head slowly and I saw Kunikida physically tense at that.

“You told me over text that you’d be paying when I asked about the pricing.”

I fished out the message he had sent right after he gave me the address and showed him the phone. It read:

[Dazai]: “Don’t worry the food will be paid for.”

Kunikida gave an exasperated sigh. Dazai just kept smiling.

“Oh sorry. Misunderstanding. I will not pay but he most definitely will.”

He pointed at Kunikida.

“Dazai!” Both me and Kunikida shouted at that, arguing with Dazai for a bit.

“I’m so sorry, Kunikida. I will go get some money right away.” I said standing up already.

But Kunikida was quick to grab my arm.

“No it’s alright I’ll pay. We’re already behind schedule.”

Alright I don’t have anything against a free meal. I sat down again. Then Kunikida spoke. I noticed I had not yet introduced myself.

“What’s your name again?”

“Ophelia.”

The blonde eyed me suspiciously.

“Oh I thought it was a nickname.”

Well technically it was in a way. But I’ve decided my former name and history should be left behind, so far away that even I could forget it at some point. It got awfully quiet after that so I appreciated Dazai suggesting we order.

“Do you think if I order enough crabs I could possibly choke myself on them? Or should I rather hang myself on that sweet beam up there?”

“Well I reckon the beam works faster.”

Okay, I see. Kunikida was also acquainted with Dazai’s jokes. At least that wouldn’t be awkward then. They seemed to have quite the ambivalent relationship. While they did seem comfortable around each other they did also fire insults back and forth.

The night was fun. I talked to both of them about many things. Kunikida was mostly rambling on about his ideals most of the time and the food we had ordered wasn’t too bad. I had decided to take one of the cheaper options in order to not let his wallet bleed too much.

“-and then I found out he tried to drown himself in a river again.”

“Oh that’s typical. I might not know him very long but that does seem like something he’d do.”

“Touché!”

That was pretty much how the situation was going. Lighthearted jokes (we tended to ignore the suicidal nature on Dazai’s side) and snarky remarks filled the room.

I felt quite happy with how this was going. Until to this point that was. Because it all changed about 10 minutes later when I noticed a stain on my shirt from the food.

“Oh some of the soup must’ve gotten on your shirt”, Dazai had pointed out.

I excused myself to the bathroom. I could hear them talking some time after I had decided to leave. I reckoned I could eavesdrop.

“Dazai what the fuck is this?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. That person, your dear ‘Ophelia’, whoever you just brought in, shouldn’t be trusted, are you insane?!”

A small silence.

“Maybe I am.”

“What is up with you? I know you can be careless but this could be dangerous. This is most definitely dangerous. We as the ADA have to be careful okay? One wrong move could get us killed.”

“I don’t think Ophelia is dangerous… for us at least.”

“What do you know? Are they an ability user? Because if they are, we might have a problem.”

“I know that I know nothing.”

“Unbelievable. So you don’t even know their real name? Because Ophelia sounds made up.”

Without wasting even a single second Dazai answered.

“It is made up.”

A frustrated laugh from Kunikida. He couldn’t believe Dazai’s stupidity. I could understand him in a way. I was definitely not to be trusted. I am not trustworthy. Dazai just was equally insane and brave enough to actually do it. Kunikida, however, isn't Dazai. He is far more calculated. He doesn’t take risks. He’s not suicidal.

“Dazai, I thought you of all people should understand-“

“Kunikida, listen to me, I know it’s hard for you to hear but just trust me. Ophelia is no danger to the Armed Detective Agency. It seems they are just living life. There’s a lot of questions I ask myself as well, don’t get me wrong. Some things don’t make sense. They’re shady and I know nothing of their past. They lie right in my face about a lot, I know that, but I do that too.”

“Of course you do. You’re a chronic liar-”

“But Ophelia is becoming more important and I don’t want to ruin this.”

Another pause.

“And what is your use of them in your little chess game? What is Ophelia? What are you going to use them for, Dazai? And why the fuck is nobody in on the plan?”

“Because it’s my personal business. Now shut your mouth Kunikida before I need to explain the lack of teeth and a black eye on your face when they return.”

“You did not just threaten to-“

I decided to return now. Partly because I wanted to stop the argument escalating any further and partly remembering how long I’ve been gone already. I hadn’t got the stain out of my shirt. We talked like nothing ever happened. Like I didn’t just hear every word said about me. I know I should’ve been angry at Kunikida for implying I had bad intentions but to be quite fair I would’ve thought the same if I was him. He was right. So I kept on smiling and laughing along.

Like nothing ever happened.

Dazai however had a different look on his face. He was a bit more quiet now, not speaking as much to his coworker as before. I didn’t know why he defended me. I was just a drinking buddy. Nothing more nothing less. Did I now doubt his intentions? Yes. What would be my “use” in his big plan, to put it into Kunikida’s words, once Dazai decided he’d need me? A lot of things were still unclear but one thing was for sure: I had to be more careful now. I didn’t need more trouble and Dazai could be ruining my plan.

I turned to leave shortly after, only staying to finish the glass of water I had ordered. What surprised me was that Dazai had insisted on walking me home. I still couldn’t get my mind off the discussion from earlier. Maybe I had already been too emotionally involved in this whole “Dazai”-ordeal. I kept quiet the whole way home. I was in my own world now, replaying every single word that had been said. Did they slip up at some point? I was trying to find hints to Dazai’s plan. To clarify: I had no plan to use Dazai for anything, surprisingly enough. I just wanted company for my time here in Japan (a company I didn’t think I’d have the pleasure to have to begin with but that’s beside the point). Nothing more nothing less. I was not sure about Dazai however. He seemed to already have company, unlike me, with his colleagues. I guessed that Kunikida could be considered a friendly acquaintance to him and this “Atsushi” boy seemed to talk to him in a friendly manner, although also like Dazai was his mentor. I couldn’t finish my thought experiment because I was startled by Dazai’s voice.

“We have reached your home, my dear friend.”

I was dumb for saying those next words. I was too damn emotionally invested already. I should’ve never let someone get this close to me after such a long state of loneliness. It made me vulnerable. I could be as careful as I wanted but getting me back on the hook would be way too easy for Dazai now.

“Are we even friends? Acquaintances? What are we exactly? Because ‘only drinking buddies’ seems to not fit anymore if I’m honest.”

He raised his eyebrows, then answered.

“Yes I doubt drinking buddies meet outside of bars.”

“So? Dazai? What shall I call you?”

He seemed to think for a while. I heard his breathing clearly. The street light made him look so harmless. No bad intentions. It was scary how innocent he could look compared to his frightening self I had experienced during the argument. I had not forgotten how he had threatened to punch Kunikida before and I was sure he would’ve actually done it. He seemed to have no scruples when it came to using violence. “You mustn’t fall for this”, I thought. I was hoping for him to say something different than his next words.

“You may call me your friend.”

Fuck. I was getting myself in trouble again. I couldn’t quite believe his words so I looked at him. He didn’t look at me but rather at the entrance of my building. It wasn’t very noticeable but he seemed to be slightly nervous, which was absolutely uncharacteristic of him. Was he afraid I would leave, now that he knew what Kunikida thought of me? Was I really that important of a chess piece? But his words were tempting. He was a smooth talker when he needed to be.

“Alright then.”

And I couldn’t resist that temptation.

“But under one condition.”

“And that might be?”

Of course there was some sort of small print to that contract. This was Dazai after all. I felt like making a deal with the devil himself.

“No personal business. I don’t want you snooping around in my past or present just like that. All personal things you will get to know about me will be told to you by my humble self.”

He stuck out his hand to shake. I thought about it for a second.

“But then those same rules apply to you.”

He smiled.

“Alright with me.”

He had me right back in his grasp. Through a simple offer of friendship.

And with that I took his hand.

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

A longer chapter? I’m capable of doing that? Damn. But yeah, things might get increasingly more angsty now. Honeymoon phase is over and a lot of secrets have yet to be revealed on both sides. But it’s also going to get more emotional from this point on and that’s something to look forward to. I already have a future chapter almost finished. Also the story will have an Act I and Act II I’ve decided. It might take a while for new chapters to come out these days because I’m really busy with finals. Hope you understand :)

[justice-is-a-weapon]

Something to look forward to in later in vino veritas chapters:

The reader gets to meet Chuuya (he is drunk and angry and starts speaking German with few grammatical errors)

Dazai Osamu is a wreck and desperately needs to let people help him for once

Some very sweet and wholesome interactions between Dazai and the reader

Angst with no immediate comfort

Reader meeting Atsushi as well as Kunikida

References to the dark era

Btw: Please leave suggestions for further scenes! I really need some to get the pacing of this story right. Could be anything!

[justice-is-a-weapon]

In vino veritas [dazai x gn reader]

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

Chapter 7 / ?

previous | next

TW: mention of suicidal tendencies, swearing

I don’t know what had gotten into me when I texted him. I had to text him in English, still not being able to read kanji and still not recognizing all the hiragana and katakana. He had told me he spoke English too once on a night out so I figured he would understand.

[You]: “Hey Dazai. Just wanted to make sure you came home safe. Everything alright?”

It took him about half of the day to answer, meaning it was already dusk when he texted me back.

[Dazai]:“So we’re checking up on the suicidal maniac? Bit much of a savior complex?”

I know he’s suicidal. I’m not dumb. That’s the first information I’ve ever gotten about him. If he decides to jump off a random bridge or anything like that it’s his decision. I don’t have a say in how long he chooses to be here.

Yet I still wanted him, my only acquaintance, to be safe and sound. Wait.. was I starting to actually care about him? Ew.

Yeah, maybe he was just a tad bit right about the savior complex.

I text back.

[You]:“What drinking buddy would I be to let you stumble around drunk in Yokohama all by yourself? At least let me join you.”

[Dazai]:“Aww! I didn’t know you were capable of being so sweet Ophelia! ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎”

[You]: “Please refrain from using that kaomoji ever again.”

[Dazai]: “And there’s the Ophelia we all know and love”

[You]: “Dazai, you are the only one in this town that knows me…”

[Dazai]: “oh right”

[Dazai]: “oops sorry”

I thought about whether I should actually text him what I wanted to text him. Would that be too much? It wouldn’t hurt to type the message. I didn’t have to send it right? I stare at the screen of my phone.

[You]: “But seriously dude. Are you okay? I was a bit concerned to not find you here when I woke up yknow?|

I looked at the tiny vertical bar after the message as it disappeared and then reappeared again. And just like that goddamn vertical bar my thought to maybe actually send it, kept dis- and reappearing again as well.

Then suddenly:

[Dazai]: “come on you fucking coward. I saw you typing. Send the message.”

And so I did. Ready to be laughed at for it.

I closed my eyes and put the phone away, not wanting to look at it any longer, and then screamed into my hands. The ringer of my phone about two minutes later startled me a bit. I had not moved, still sitting on my bed. I slowly turned over the phone to look at it again.

[Dazai]: “I’m alright don’t worry. And thank you for asking. I just don’t like spending the night with people in general so I ended up just disappearing. I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.”

[You]: “Asshole”

[You]: “You really had me worried”

[Dazai]: “I know! I’m sorry alright?”

[You]: “Yeah I know”

I smiled a bit. I had not expected him to answer me so seriously. But I was just glad he was okay. I felt more at peace now. That’s when my ringtone went off again.

[Dazai]: “Okay. To make it up to you: How about I invite you out to eat?”

I was a bit surprised but not aversed by the idea.

[You]: “When and where?”

[Dazai]: “How about now?”

[Dazai]: “I was just about to go with a colleague”

[Dazai]: “I’ll send you the address”

·•━━━━━━━⋆⋅☆⋅⋆━━━━━━━•·

[Heyho my friends. This one is quite short but I needed it as a filler between events. I’m currently also working on further development of the story (and holy shit I hope you guys love suffering). Good thing: I already finished parts of later chapters so they won’t take as long to finish.]