Noah Kahan
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Kiana Khansmith
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Interview Vampire Daily
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KIROKAZE
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@justlorenannoyed
I hate my life.
I have children that are impossible.
A marriage that has reached the "in a rut" stage.
A job that is boring as hell.
Relatives that suck.
No hobbies. No social life. No savings.
No best friends. No regular friends.
I am middleaged, overweight, unattractive, and mouthy.
The world is my oyster.
Things are great.
I dont really ever think about suicide. I do, however, think often about disappearing.
I dont want to die, just vanish. For a little while.
For a little while, to not be a wife, mother, co-worker, or needed in any capacity would be something else, wouldn't it?
Eh, it's good to have dreams.
Having kids is fulfilling, yes. It is also the most intense thing to make you feel like a complete and utter failure.
My 10 year old refuses to poop.
That stupid mundane thing that, apparently I take for granted, they are scared to death of.
Like, literally goes into a hysterical freak out mode when I tell them that is has been 7 days since they pooped last and they really need to go before they LITERALLY explode. Pretty sure I am doing something wrong.
It is stressing me the fuck out, 24/7.
I feel like I might snap... a little.
I'm struggling with some things.
My mental health. Motherhood. Body image. Being a good wife. Keeping my mouth shut. Relationships. Negativity. Work.
Life.
You ask yourself, “Why nobody gives a damn about me?” I have the answer. No one cares about you. It’s not personal. It’s just human nature.
No one cares about you. It's true. You do shit, cause "it's the right thing to do". Why? No one else gives a shit. You send Christmas presents to your nephews, that you never see, and they don't even know who the hell you are. For what?
You mail birthday cards to people that completely ignore your birthday EVERY YEAR, and don't even thank you for the card you sent them. For what?
You make it a point to visit friends and family even though they cannot be bothered to see you.. and maybe, just maybe, some of these said people live two feet down the road! Then when you are with them, they act as if they could not care less if you were there or not.
You open social media, just to see another gathering you were left out of or the death of a relative you were never told about, but see their obit shared.
It's all bullshit. I am so over the bullshit.
Covid fucking sucks.
Sometimes, I feel like my husband wants nothing to do with me, unless I am having sex with him.
Men and their "needs".
What about women, and their "needs"?
You know what really pisses me off? When people ask for you to help them, then get mad at the way you help. Fuck Y'all. Help your damn selves next time.
Do your kids melt down, in the blink of an eye, for now reason whatsoever? Mine do. Often. I cannot stand it.
Then my oldest child comes down, and asks me what I did to them.
Just asked them to brush their teeth.
I am a horrible mother, because I care about my children's dental hygiene. What was I thinking.
My dd struggles with a condition.
When I offer help, it is rejected. When I offer to talk about it, denied.
How do people keep stuff so bottled up, and never explode?
Don't they know that maybe by not talking to the people that love them, it hurts relationships? Marriages?
That is damages the person that wants them to talk, just as much as it damages themselves?
I don't get it.
I am so frustrated that I have locked myself in the bathroom, and am crying and downing beers like they are water. All because my dd won't talk about the shit they are going through.
Reading that last sentence back, I sound selfish. Like, its all about me.
Fuck.
Life is a tricky little whore, eh?
I fuckin hate it. Life. It's impossible.
Truly impossible.
I really don't like people. I also feel that they don't like me just as much. Its ok, it is what it is.. It just ads to my depression. The depression that I tell my husband I have and he ignores me.
There are times when I feel that people think I am an idiot.
People will tell you that they support you. Don't believe them. Their actions will always prove differently. They will support you if it benefits them. They will support you if it fits their agenda. The moment you say or do something they don't like however, you'll watch their "support" float off like a balloon someone let go of. Your self esteem and courage tied to it. Then, you find yourself defeated. Deflated. Alone. Pissed.
One of the biggest problems with the world today is that we have large groups of people who will accept whatever they hear on the grapevine, just because it suits their worldview—not because it is actually true or because they have evidence to support it. The really striking thing is that it would not take much effort to establish validity in most of these cases… but people prefer reassurance to research.
-Neil deGrasse Tyson
Adults are such babies. Whiney little pussies, who throw temper tantrums when they don't get their way. It's even worse when you throw politics into the mix. It's just annoying. Also, no one dictates what I do. The moves I make, the decisions I come to. I run this shit.
I am repeatedly told that "this is what you signed up for" in reference to ALL of the NEVERENDING housework, cleaning up after 3 children and a husband, taking care of two dogs FOUR cats, endless laundry, dishes, messes, filthy toilets, peoples shit they don't pick up, lights they leave on, toilets they shit in and never flush, dirty dishes they leave in their rooms, endless search for clean towels after I JUST WASHED THEM ALL AGAIN.... Maybe. Maybe it is "what I signed up for". I CAN tell you with absolute certainty, that..... IT. IS. KILLING. ME. SLOWLY.
Ever want to dissappear? Just completely vanish? Like, you're on your way to work one morning and you think "what if I just keep driving?". I have. I have even Googled "how to vanish without a trace". There are actually quite a few steps to it. Planning is involved. That is, if you really want to make it work.