JusTomi

Finding myself.

[justomi]

Man life has just been crazy for these past couple of days. I've just been looking around and I've decided that I'm not going to let these ain't shot ass people fuck me over. I'm not going to let these dumb motherfuckers ruin my experience. I'm not going to let peoples dumb actions hurt me. Im only going to be these ages and in college for a small period of time. Once I'm out I'm in the real world. So why not make the most of it and try the best to be happy? Why not meet new people? Why not put myself out there? Why not push myself outside my comfort zone? I am no longer going to let these ain't shit motherfuckers define my life, unhappiness. I'm going to live my life even better and those same ain't shit motherfuckers are going to see the life in me, because I've lost it for a while.

[justomi]

I'm over it. And its the best feeling. Without God in my life, I don't know man. My life has been horrible for the past couple of weeks. But God always gave me something to look forward to. I've been kicked down, like to a very bad point. But I've released my  feelings and let these things go. Having God in my life for these couple of weeks made such a difference.I'm just looking forward to the good parts now. Happy Sunday.

[justomi]

My days never end right. I hope they start to. Overall, it was a good day. I only had 2 classes and my math teacher gave me a compliment lol it really made my day. Later on went to popeyes with friends and stuff just a chill night. Then I come back in my room and my mm clogs the fucking toilet and I had just started. I get her a plunger and then she leaves to go to a party and doesn't come back. Like I'm sooo pissed. Like I've let too many things slide with her. Then I get into this petty argument over nothing with my friend. Idk I was irritated and she kept saying slick shit so I was like you know what I'm going to respond. I should have just left earlier like I said I was lol. We'll b fine, and if need be I'll apologize. Although I'm still fucking up, I can really see myself growing. I just need more better days man cause this shi is not for me. I'm sick of always having something to be pissed  about. I'm sick of being hurt. I need more positive days. What my mm did really pissed me off though. Idk if I should be mad and not say anything cause that'll change the dynamic but at the same time I'm not just going to let her walk all over me because I'm nice. Fuck that, I can get real rude and nasty and I wouldn't give a fuck. But at the same time I'm not trying to stress about anything at this point. I'm trying to relax and be stress free, but I can't just let these things slide. Like I'm really sick of having a mm right now. I really am. 

[justomi]

I'm learning how to love myself a step at a time. I'm learning that I am special and unique. There us no one in this world like me. I have great skin, a beautiful shade(something I had to learn to accept before), full round lips and average medium sized eyes. I have great curves and a nice body. I'm intelligent and eclectic. I am proficient in two languages and love music. Music changes me. It brings me joy and a different level if being. I'm different. I'm special.

[justomi]

Oh yeah. What God showed to me this weekend is that I am a good person. People that have hurt me, really hurt themselves. Because they always come back. Honestly I didn’t give a fuck when that situation happened. All I was upset about was the fact that this girl was annoying me since day one but had the nerve. Lol anyway she came back cause she knew she was wrong. So I’m not going to be worried about people that do me wrong cause one) just like her you’ll be back and two) you’re hurting yourself in the end not me. I’m a good person. I don’t worry cause God got me. That's my name, my being. My mom knew what she was doing picking that name for me. Oluwatomi. God is enough for me. So bye 😂👋

[justomi]

I

I’ve only been at school for a couple of days an I have been through so much. Man I can’t even or know where to begin. I’m learning how to let things go and to stop stressing over things that don’t matter. Now I know that I’m not 100% where I need to be, but I’m taking steps towards it, something I’ve never done. I know what I’m missing right now and it’s God. This weekend I was thinking and I told myself, I keep forgetting what my name signifies. My name means God is enough for me. My relationship with God has been on a roller coaster. And being in college makes it 10x worse an harder to connect with him. But I need him now more than ever. This weekend he showed me. Man did he show me. This girl asked me to hang out knowing what she did. Then she wants to be cool. She knows what se did was wrong but at the end of the day I was good without you honey. I went through some of the toughest times of my life without a word from you. Over stupid petty shit. I shut you down every attempt you made. I let you in again because I’m not a mean bitch. But don think were friends again. Sure we can talk but uhh were not going to be buddy buddy. I am not a fool. Emotionally I’m holding up. Not the best but I’m better than I was before. It’s just hard being around the problem,you know? But I’ve gotten so much great advice from her that I’m just grateful man. She sees what I don’t see in myself. These people are not worth stressing over. I’ve got bigger and better things to do in my life.

I know that I'm the only one holding myself back from my potential. The only problem is how do I put myself past this? How do I make my potential known to myself and others? How do I break out? I just know that God has the answers. I'm just ready for when it happens. I'm ready to be more than 50% happy. I'm ready man I'm ready.

[justomi]

Today started off being one of the worst days of my entire life. I wasn't feeling my schedule or my classes or the people in it. Found out that I have to pay a lot for textbooks and my english teacher got switched which fucked all of my plans this semester. Had a feeling that this was going to be a hard semester. Then on my way back I lost my aggie one. Went all the way back in the cold weather to look for my card in my biology class. Couldn't find it so I went to the bathroom and just flat out cried for an hour.I was looking forward to eating all day and couldn't. Couldn't even get back in my building. Then I found out I have the same chemlab teacher from last semester where I had to work my ass off to earn an A in a 1 credit course. I was so done. After class I saw one of my friends and told him everything, walked me back to my door and got someone to open the door for me. The I saw the bitchassnigga and walked right past his ass. Got to my room and popped some popcorn cause I was hungry and couldn't get anything to eat. Then I watched no good deed with my roommates friends= and we had a great time and then I talked to my friends in the living room for hours just laughing and having fun. Ke gave us some pizza too. My whole day flipped around. Although i still lost my shit though. I thought m life couldn't get any worse today and it turned around for the better because of the people I was around. There is only so much burden I can take and I just pray that my semester does not go like the way it did in my first part of the day. I had just had it. I don't cry very often but when I do it's because of all of my emotions built up. I was like why is God doing this to me? What have I done? Have I not been praying? Have I not been decent for these couple of days? I just hope it's all a part of God's plan to show me the worst before I get to the good part of my life. I feel so empty. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life or making use of my potential. I have all these fantasies and dreams of what i could be when I listen to music that takes me to a special place. I daydream of what I could be, to show people who I am. But I have not gotten over that obstacle yet and it really hurts because I'm just stuck daydreaming. I've had enough. I want to make myself useful and show people that I am who I am and I am great. That they missed out. That's my goal for this year. To make my daydreams a reality, because they aren't impossible. They are not. 

[justomi]

It's just that this class is the perfect class especially at this time of my life. It's exactly what I need, but I'm not prepared to constantly speak in fron t of people and take on what I've feared my entire life. But at the same time do I want to lose the only entertaining thing in my schedule this semester? I could miss out on meeting these people and getting to be like family, like my instructor said. I don't want to miss out on that but do I want to put myself through the torture? I want to see where it takes me. If i drop it, I will know for sure that I will be taking steps back in my life, I don't have room for that anymore. I'm looking for progress. I'm too young and I'm at the age where I can turn things around for myself. This class signifies the obstacle that I have been trying to overcome my entire life. Should I face it head on knowing that it could possibly be torture for me inside or save myself from it?

[justomi]

I want to break out because I know I have potential to be great. I saw it at NCSSM. Which is one of the only reasons I'm thankful for being there. I have it and i just need to be free and comfortable with who I am. This acting class was one of my steps towards this, but after class today, I"m not sure if I'm ready for it. I know that one day I can do it because I am passionate about music, and performance arts. My dream has always been to be in a movie or video but I'm just so shy. I've realized that I am the only person that's holding me back from achieving my potential. But I just don't know what to do. I do know that once I break out and feel extremely comfortable, it's a wrap. I could be the best and the happiest. But until then it's just going ot be really hard for me. And I don't want to drop it because I'm scared, I want to take on this fear, because if I succeed at it, I know big doors that can open for me. I'll be more comfortable with myself, and therefore open to others because I would have conquered my fear. Idk what to do.

[justomi]

I NEED to break out of my shell. I NEED to get out of my room and make new friends. I would hate for my semester to go like the last. The only people I "met' were the people that I was constantly around due to where I live or the honors classes I take. I keep telling myself that maybe I need to leave but honestly, after looking at why there's no point. It's just that I don't want to constantly be around the people that I cannot avoid. If I was living somewhere else, I'd be good. I can't run away from my prolems, but I'm tired of "running" into them on a consistent basis. Some people I should have just kept as a hi and bye. I hate it. 

[justomi]

I'm not sure how to feel right now. I don't know, I've been so up and down lately. I hate the fact that I have to rush to my room everytime I'm in the building because I don't want to run into certain people. I don't want to live life like this. Constantly avoiding people and situations because of THEIR mistakes. 

[justomi]

Sooooo much has happened and right now I feel depressed an emotionless.

[justomi]

[justomi]

I never really went through y prom pictures until now..for some reason I felt ugly but looking back I didn't look too bad

[justomi]

I have so many insecurities and its even harder cause sometimes I don't know whether someone likes me for my body or if I'm attractive everywhere else. Ugh it sucks.

[justomi]

Looking back on this year and how and who I am now, I am so proud of myself. I have become more confident and am becoming who I am. I am grateful for God leading me to going to an HBCU. I am so grateful, it has taught me so much in the little time I've been in college. Like seriously, I have come so far as an individual and I can't wait to see where I'll be in a couple of years. Just got to keep these grades and my gpa up lol.

[justomi]

This close to punching my mom in the face. Every single holiday where everyone's home she wants to take out her frustrations and anger no her kids. I'm tired of it. And you wonder why I don't come home?  The little time that you spare for us you use to yell and scream about stupid shit. Why the hell am I cleaning up the entire house on Thanksgiving? Is this not time we're supposed to be spending with each other? Guess not. You think it's all about the money. Don't nobody want your broke ass money. I don't give a fuck. Stop being fake. How are you going to yell at me with disgust and hate and then ask me what I'm eating the next minute? I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, swept and arranged things in the house, but I'm still lazy? I prepped the turkey and didn't go to sleep till 4:30. I cooked for your husband so that you wouldn't have to, yet I'm just a terrible child that doesn't do anything. It's the same thing every time I come back home. That's why I don't want to be here. I'm just sick to my stomach. SICK of this damn family.