redeemed

scribbles of one trying to find her way through life

[justshaz]

Reflecting on 2018

Between my last post (reflecting on 2017) and today, it feels like nothing has changed. I was admitted into hospital. I stressed too much. I drank too much. I slept too little. I exercised too little.

I struggled, I fell, and I got back up again.

But I also made progress. I bought a car - and drive it confidently now! I helped/taught SRE. I quit my job where I was being bullied. I found a job working with children again. I saw my psych and took my meds regularly. 

And I was less afraid to ask for help. I still like to think I can make it on my own, but God humbles me and teaches me again and again that I’m not that great (not great at all). I like to think that I have control over what I’m doing or what I want to be doing. Who am I kidding? But thankfully, when I gave up, He didn’t. And neither did my friends. They listened. They loved. They helped. They didn’t let go of me. 

So I think this year has been learning to get back up after falling down, and to remember to celebrate what I have, and the little gains I’ve made. If I were to be honest, thinking about what 2019 will be like terrifies me. This year didn’t go according to how I thought it would, so I doubt 2019 will either. However, I hope that with the overwhelming support that I have, I will be able to persevere on improving my mental (and probably also my physical) health. And more importantly, that the next year will test and sharpen my faith more than the last.

Perhaps it would help to reflect and post a bit more frequently...

[justshaz]

Persevering through 2017

Reflecting on 2017, it was certainly a year of change and adjustment.

I finally took my mental health seriously and made efforts to deal with my anxiety and depression. 

I moved homes and re-learnt how to live in a sharehouse with friends. 

I got through my first year of full-time employment - even if it was split between two different jobs. I attempted to pursue my desire to work with children by taking a traineeship in early childhood, but didn’t finish. I started working back in hospitality, and it was really difficult to accept that it’s what I need at the moment even if it’s not the work I want to be doing.

I worked on decreasing my “car stress” - anxiety/panic attacks during short car trips that made driving impossible.

I felt like I stumbled my way through the year, only getting through to the end with the support of some great friends. 

Along the way, I learnt a few things.

I learnt to be more honest with myself and be more open to sharing my joys and struggles with friends.

I learnt to better pace myself from week to week (but sometimes still failed - but that’s OK).

I (re-)learnt that there’s nothing in my power that I can do to change anything.

So I had to learn to ask for help. From God, and from friends.  When I struggled to believe that life was worth living, or that I could do things even with a mental illness, or that there was any hope left... it was my friends who reminded me of the hope that I have in Jesus, the salvation that God has promised through faith, the Holy Spirit’s continual intercessions for me, and ultimately God’s grace, goodness, and faithfulness that has seen me through to 2018. 

Most importantly, I learnt again that I am so loved by God and His people. And for that, I am thankful.

As the new year begins, I hope that I will continue to persevere through 2018. I hope that I’ll continue to deal with my anxiety and depression and not give up. I hope that I won’t forget how the struggles strengthened my faith, and all the blessings in disguise. And that in all circumstances, I will continue to seek God and trust that He knows what He’s doing in my life, and be thankful.

[pureblyss]

The fight is for your faith. Hold on tight.

Christine Caine  (via littlethingsaboutgod)

[justshaz]

screams aren’t meant to be silent, but what else can i do? there is no one who can help me when i can’t even help myself.

[yeahmicah]

Knowing why you believe is as important as knowing what you believe.

Let’s be real.

Virgin birth and resurrection from the dead sounds extremely crazy.

If you believe like you say you do, it should be because you have a true relationship with God.

Not because you just want to...

[mylovewillcarryyou]

[justshaz]

finding the good in the bad

The past two weeks have been anything but easy. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be 'nightmare'. Honestly, it's been the worst experience of my life thus far.

Things started going downhill when I came back to Canberra after seeing my family in Sydney for two weeks to discover that my bicycle had been stolen. Coming to terms with it after a week, a friend discovers it being sold on Gumtree - only for it to be sold before the police got to it (and have yet to since apparently, they're "still investigating.") Then, I find out last Thursday that my family and I are going to be faced with a big financial situation. To top things off, a course I was enrolled in got cancelled right before the cut-off day (Friday 1st August) to enrol/switch into other courses... and I spend the next week fighting with admin to re-enrol me into another course because I need to in order to be able to graduate in December. When I thought I finally got that fixed and could take a breather to process everything, an email informing me that I didn't get into a graduate program comes my way.

So aside from the bike being stolen, everything happened within one week. I experienced a roller-coaster of emotions ranging from anger, frustration, disappointment, and confusion. Pretty overwhelming, right?

It's hard, trying to comprehend why this is happening to me. As a Christian, I know that God is sovereign and He only has my best interests at heart, but my heart is lagging. I have doubts about whether I can overcome this; fears that I might abandon this faith; and questions as to why God thinks this is good for me.

Yet I think, and want to believe, that God is showing me His love for me through the people around me. My bike gets stolen, so some friends raise up some money to get me another one. I go to my brother - breaking down, not being able to handle the news of my family situation, and he tells me not to worry too much about it, and that he will deal with it. I cancel my plans for a 21st birthday party because of my family situation, and some other friends said they were happy to chip in and pay the costs for me as a birthday present (though I didn't accept it.) My anxiety spikes because of enrolment issues, and a friend goes out of his way to help me sort it all out, and even offer to pay the late enrolment fee for me if admin insists that I have to to enrol. To encourage and support me, another friend randomly gifts me with a meaningful present and a very touching letter, which greatly comforted me. And then I get spoilt with love and kisses from my baby niece after learning that I have to start from zero with job prospects after uni. Again, my brother has been so understanding and helpful, trying to help me find out what I really want to do after uni (to which I still have no idea.) Then there's also many other brothers and sisters in Christ who have been (and still are) praying for me.

Though it's been a hell of a week (pun intended) being knocked back time and time again, I've also experienced so much love from family and friends. To try to put things into perspective, I've started reading the book of Job again. What Job had to experience, I think, was soooooo much more than what I am currently going through. At the end of it all, he still chose to trust and fear God. 

I am hoping that I won't choose to give up. Like a friend pointed out, just like how I've always done so in the past, I want to choose to keep trusting in God and grow stronger in Christ.

Remember, Sharon, the hard times on earth are only temporary.

[justshaz]

hello tumblr, long time no see...

hoping to post an update *soon*... after my last exam!

[yourcoffeeguru]

[justshaz]

i would love to do that to so many customers who order at work.. if only i could. except i dont know what a venti is. canberra has no starbucks.

[justshaz]

Love the Single Chapter of Your Life

When so many are feeling unsatisfied and incomplete in their singleness, Ben Stuart encourages us to see this season with God's eyes and heart and purpose. In three minutes, Ben shows that the Bible makes it clear that our singleness — even temporary singleness — is a gift from our Heavenly Father to secure a deep and undivided devotion to him.

In light of my recent reflections about singleness, this was an encouraging and good three minutes spent watching what Ben had to say about singleness. It is so good to get some reassurance that singleness is good when so many of my friends around me are getting engaged and married! Good for them, and good for me that we're at our own stages in our lives!

[justshaz]

And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful. Let the message about the Messiah dwell richly among you, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, and singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. (Colossians 3:14-17) help me to #takeupmycross with love, gratitude, and thankfulness because #Jesusdied for me. #goodfriday

[justshaz]

halfway point

so i'm *almost* at the halfway point of my fasting, and thought i should update. firstly, i failed in my caffeine fast because china only serves tea everywhere.. and also because i was averaging about 3 hours sleep throughout my week in china, trying to deal with my family issues and do 3 job applications. so 3 days into my caffeine fast, it changed into a coffee fast. second, i also failed in my coffee fast because i've had about.... *two* cups of coffee in the first few days i was overseas. funny because i wasn't craving for it at all, or struggling to not drink coffee, but i just desperately needed something to keep me awake. but i don't want to be all legalistic about this.. so despite having had some coffee, i'm continuing with my fast and praying for strength that i will succeed in the last two weeks.

moreover, i didn't start this fast just because. i started it with the intention to improve my prayer life. now, my prayer life hasn't become amazing overnight (or over these two weeks), but it has improved! prayer is slowly becoming something i do naturally, but it is yet to become something i do frequently. i hope i'll get there eventually, but it is all by God's grace i have come thus far. after all, every breath i take is dependent on God. during this time, God has shown me that He does listen, and He does answer our prayers. my good friend (MV) and i have been praying for his family recently, and God has shown us that He has listened, and He has answered our prayers because there has been change. Praise God! i cannot tell you how exciting this is. i hope that this change will continue! God is good. this also gives me hope that my own family dilemmas may also change with perseverance in prayer. please pray for me, that i may persevere in my prayers - especially for my family. 

so although i havent exactly succeeded with my fasting, prayer has definitely enriched my life in this short period of time. i need God *so* much - prayer makes sense.

[justshaz]

the sting of death

today, my family and i went to visit my grandpa's grave and it was very painful to witness how death intrusively affect people's lives. two years on, and grandma is still grieving for grandpa. after walking through life's ups and downs, migrating to a new country, and seeing your children married with kids with your partner for more than 50 years, it's understandable that grandma finds it hard to let go.

but i do not understand the customs for paying respects to the dead in Chinese culture (Buddhism). the confusion and lack of confidence in knowing what the correct steps to burning incense, burning different types of paper, and food and drink offerings, and especially how these customs can vary between who you ask for advice from make me question how one can find assurance and security in it. i do not mean to offend anyone who does believe in this religion, but i personally cannot see how i can place my trust in leaving my family to pay respects to various gods so as to find favour with them so that i may reincarnate and live a better life in the next life. 

also, what makes it so painful to witness this, is that grandma represents the living dead. what i mean by this is that she lives in her memories of grandpa, and doesn't see all the goodness that is happening in her life - like how her kids are trying to take care of her, or how her granddaughter is graduating at the end of the year. the way she relates to these situations is "grandpa was so lucky to have so many people look after him in his last days" and "grandpa would be so happy to see you graduate if he were still here". it's unhealthy, and it's unhelpful. though grandma is thinking about grandpa, my response is "but i'm your granddaughter too. aren't you happy to be able to see me graduate?" grandma lives every moment based on grandpa's passing. she feels that she cannot enjoy herself for living longer than her husband - not even the happiness of her granddaughter finishing uni. i miss grandpa too. i wish that he was still here and could see me graduate, get married, have kids and the whole life stage of growing up. i miss him dearly, but it does not define me. though i am sorrowful, i am thankful that death has been conquered. and that there are no crazy customs that have to be followed when i pass away to ensure that i have a 'next life'. all i have to do is place my life in God's hands and acknowledge that i can't do anything, but take up my cross and follow Jesus my saviour.

so i long for that day promised in Isaiah 25:8 where

He will destroy death forever. The Lord God will wipe away the tears from every face and remove His people’s disgrace from the whole earth, for the Lord has spoken.

and on that day, i will rejoice that death has been swallowed up in victory because of Jesus Christ. but for now, i will try to learn to live with death. and i will continue to hope that grandma can find comfort in God, and that He will show grace to my family and soften their hearts so that they may know Jesus.

[justshaz]

Is there power in prayer and fasting?

so i read this article a while ago.. and i took the time to search it up again. recently, i feel convicted to seek ways to improve my (to be honest) almost non-existent prayer life. i love praying in groups, and i love the idea of praying and communicating with God. but i struggle with it so much because i am not patient enough to wait for God's answer.

so i feel that it's about time i do something about it, because prayer is so essential. and because it is so essential,  i am going to challenge myself. i have decided to fast.. on caffeine. by caffeine i mean no coffee, tea, soft drinks, and energy drinks. not that i drink the latter 2 anyway. i love coffee, but i feel like it has come to the point where i can't function without it. but i believe that i can do this through the power of prayer. so i will fast and pray for all the friends i have told them that i will pray for them. and also for the different Christian organisations that i am supporting. and i will do this for a month (5th April - 5th May) :)

i *might* post a prayer journal (or at least an outline) so you can keep me accountable and encourage me as i fast. you might even decide to join me! 

well here goes nothing. 

one month without caffeine. one month dedicated to praying.

just God, me, water, and juice.

[animalsnaps]

[justshaz]

need to work harder on getting enough sleep.

[justshaz]

i am happy (a poem + reflection)

Healing Song

by Sharon Chow

A sweet and melodic tune

Uniquely composed for two.

Joy that seemed unending,

Nurtured daily by the sun.

  But distance and miscommunication

Shook up love’s foundation.

Weary, lost and conflicted

The tune was now left distorted.

Silence - the new sound of music,

An unfamiliar tune.

Broken, jaded and exhausted

A plea for healing cries out.

  Eventually, the mending heart

Composed a sorrowful melody.

Reminded of a Saviour sent out long before,

The Gospel Song revived her.

Because the only One who truly knows,

Is He who gave her new life eight years ago.

ahhh.. writing again felt so good! wrote this a while ago, but came back to it recently after some interesting conversations.. a bit rusty, but i hope it's not too bad.. feel free to give me some feedback!

sometimes it's hard to feel content being single when you know what being in a relationship looks like, or if you're the only housemate who is single, or if your close friends have recently become engaged or married. within the Christian community, there is an unspoken pressure to marry young because it seems the normal thing to do. but i think age shouldn't play such a big factor. sure, with age you grow up and you mature (hopefully) and so you 'feel' ready marriage. but i don't think it should be a deciding factor. what i mean by that is that people shouldn't be thinking 'oh, i have to get married by 27' or 'man i'm only 21, i'm too young for marriage', or something like that. and because i have been liberated from that thinking, i feel less pressured to be in a relationship, and am actually content being single, and i hope i will continue to be until that time comes for a potential relationship-marriage. singleness is okay, singleness is good! sometimes i feel that this isn't stressed enough in the church community... *i shall spare you the rest of my reflection*

[justshaz]

a life of servanthood

this week has been really awesome thus far, because i witnessed God's love unifying many people together to serve Him, plan and prepare for cafe nights for ANU FOCUS mission week.

what was also really amazing is that God really can use any and every talent/gift that He blesses people with. Decorations might seem like a trivial thing, but not everyone can do it well, and without decorations, ambience and atmosphere in a cafe is non-existent. people coming to cafe night and having the courage and initiative to have conversations about the gospel - that is such a huuuge task. and on a more personal level, being interested in coffee and working in a cafe seemed nothing more than a job and hobby - but this week i was amazed to be able to serve through my coffee skills. 

God was able to use it for His glory this week. it really goes to show that everyone and anyone can serve God, and He can choose to work through us in many ways. 

these last two nights have been a prime example of 1 Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about how the body is made up of many essential parts. there are always going to be specific roles for people to serve in, and the body cannot function properly without one part. 

ultimately though, God really showed me that He IS in control. there had been so many moments and situations where we were all stressed out about things not going the way we want it to.. but in the end, it DID work out. we just had to be patient and trust God. no amount of stressing is going to make it better. (in fact it most likely will make things worse..)

it has been such an encouragement to see us all unified in Christ because of God's love. it feels (and is) so contagious. no wonder love leads to action!

Praise God!