Something that really gets me is the fact that most of the people around you expect you to continue on no matter what you're going through. They want you to fight and be their little inspirational cripple rather than face the reality of what disabled people go through and acknowledge all of the pain we experience just by existing.
I don't want to fucking fight. I don't want to have to beg my doctor for help. I don't want to have to keep pushing through with a body that is, quite literally, dying. I don't want to have to think about the good parts of a day when I later was met with pain that caused me to shake and sob in pain at night.
I don't want to have to advocate for myself each time, or try my absolute best to convince doctors that I need help, that I am getting worse, or that I'm even experiencing a symptom at all.
I literally cannot even comprehend why the fuck anyone would want to keep having that attitude of "I'm a warrior" every single day? What the fuck am I fighting? My incurable diseases? My disabilities that are literally crippling me? My GI tract giving up and causing me to starve to death without any help? Where is the fight in that? I'm getting fucking eaten alive, I'm surviving, not fighting.
I don't want to be brave. I want to be listened to and believed. I don't want to be strong and to push through and shove joy where it doesn't exist. I want to be met with kindness and genuine medical care and doctors who actually want to help.
But I don't think I'm ever going to get that as long as the idea is in people's heads that if you're not doing every single suggestion/the "right" things to manage your condition, it means you're not doing enough. And when you push yourself past that limit and end up hurting yourself, you're the picture perfect disabled who is the idealistic version of all of us.
I don't have any pride when it comes to my disabilities. How can I when, no matter how I try to perceive it or how others project it, is a negative thing in one way or another no matter what I do?
