The March To Manhood

24 • 05.09.18 💉 • 09.28.19 💍

[sabrmylove-deactivated20210716]

May the next few months be a period of beautiful transformation

[justtryingtobejames]

Fashion/Style

So the other day I was trying to figure out what to wear for some unimportant event that I was going to with my girlfriend. I was looking through my clothes and everything I found either made me look like I was 12 years old or made me look feminine. I ended up getting frustrated and told her to pick something out- she tends to pick more sophisticated outfits than I do, but she still takes my comfort level into consideration. 

That got me to thinking about the type of style that I like. I know that it’s changed so much throughout my life- whether it be throughout the time that I was presenting as female and trying to find something that made me comfortable, or as I started to transition and wanted to start wearing clothes that were fashionable but still made me feel like the man that I am. 

I recently went to the mall with my grandmother and godmother (they are both super supportive) and my godmother was looking for something for her husband to wear to a gig that he had. So we’re searching through the men’s section and she asked me about what kind of clothes that I liked. I started to point out some pieces that I liked, and noticed that they tend to be pieces that fashionable teenagers would wear. 

Why can’t I just like the fashion of men my age? Does testosterone set your mind back to a teenage boy? I just want to look hella good and age appropriate, is that too much to ask? 

Has anyone else ever dealt with this issue? Please let me know and maybe give me some fashion tips? Thanks.

I appreciate y’all for being on this journey with me. 

[justtryingtobejames]

Posting

Hello everyone! I don’t know how many of you that are reading this post really follow my blog. If you do follow it, then you’ll know that I’m not consistent with how much I post. 

I want to try to change that. I want to develop a more consistent posting schedule for a couple reasons: this the closest thing that I have to a “feelings journal” through my transition, I want this to be a resource for people about all aspects of my experience, and I think consistency is what I need at this point in my life. 

So with that get ready because you’re about to get inundated with posts to make up for the ones that I’ve missed and then hopefully really soon you’ll see regular posts from me. 

Either way, thanks for those of you that have stuck around and actually enjoy my content. I appreciate y’all. 

[justtryingtobejames]

One Month

So technically I missed my official one month on T- it was yesterday- but only by a couple of hours. 

For those that don’t know, I take intramuscular shots of testosterone that I am prescribed by a physician at Planned Parenthood in Philadelphia Pennsylvania (wow that’s a lot of p’s). I chose to go with Planned Parenthood because they operate under informed consent** and they can work with lower income individuals/people without insurance. 

** Basic breakdown of informed consent in my own words: they give you all the information about testosterone and if you’re cleared to go on it and you say that you want it- they’ll give it to you)

For the first 4 weeks, I was injecting myself in my upper thigh with .25 mg once a week. Then I had my follow up appointment to fill another perscription (this one is substantially bigger) and from now, until I’m told otherwise, I will be injecting .50 mg once a week into my upper thigh.

Now, as per usual, I will update anyone that wants to know about the changes I have experienced after my first month on testosterone. 

Updates:

1. Mother Nature has NOT stopped visiting me. This was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that the possibility that I was going to have to deal with it actually became a reality. I know it doesn’t make me any less of a boy- it just sucks. 

2. My voice is a bit lower (I think) and it is definitely a lot easier to keep my voice in a lower range when speaking. This also could because before starting T I would be consciously very aware of my voice pitch, but I like to think it’s getting lower. 

3. Luckily for me, up until this point in my life I’ve never really had to deal with acne. However, now I am petrified that I’m going to start having it because my face is super oily all of the time. I also am petrified that I’m starting to develop back-ne. Gross. 

4. I’M BLISTERING HOT ALL OF THE TIME. 

5. SO SWEATY

6. My groin area has become a little bit more sensitive- it’s still getting the same amount of “action” that it was getting from my last update. It’s just making my libido incredibly high and that’s sometimes frustrating

7. My hairline is definitely changing. It’s becoming a bit thinner already. The back part of my head has a lower hairline and the top of my head is getting thinner. It’s scary; I don’t want to lose my hair

8. There seems to be a little bit more hair growth on my legs and the growth that’s coming in does seem to be coming in a bit darker 

9. PEEP I also found one chin hair! 

10. The veins in my hands are popping out a bit more than they used to

I’m sure that I missed some more updates, but that’s all I can think of for right now. Please if anybody has any questions, feel free to ask- I’m an open book. Also, if you know of anybody that needs this blog as a resource please feel free to pass it along. 

Peace, love, and support

-Your friendly neighborhood trans guy

[justtryingtobejames]

Anger

All of my life I’ve never considered myself an angry person- I don’t like the way it makes me feel to be angry, and I tend to internalize it until I explode. (Super healthy- I know right?)

I get my temper from my dad; he’s always been a quiet guy and it takes a lot to set him off, but when he’s pushed over the edge it’s game over. He’s described his anger to me before: he wants whoever (it’s almost always another human/other humans that make him angry) to see how much emotional and mental hurt they have caused him by doing something violent- and usually self-destructive.

For example, when I was younger my grades and how well I did in school were really sore subjects. So one time my parents caught me in yet another lie I told about how I was doing in school. My dad came up to my room where I was sitting, yelled a little and proceeded to punch four- count em FOUR- holes into my wood door. His hand was messed up enough that he had to wear an ACE bandage on his hand for a couple days.

At the ripe age of 11, I threatened to throw a tire because my two best friends faked breaking up and told me that I was being put in the middle of the two of them. A tire. I was 11.

This is all great! Especially when for the last 4 weeks you’ve been injecting your body with a hormone that statistically can make people more hostile and aggressive! Right?!?!

Today I had a little incident with my girlfriend that made me really mad. Now typically when these types of situations happen I just internalize it because I don’t want to at the spur of the moment say something I’ll regret. I swear my filter goes to a different planet when I’m angry. So that’s what I did- internalized it for a little bit- until my girlfriend pointed out that I was dissociating and showing a tons of signs that I was extremely anxious (erratic breathing, staring off into space, etc). Working through some of the things that we did during this conversation brought up a lot of thoughts.

One main thought that sticks out to me is that I don’t want people to think that T (testosterone) is making me aggressive. Just because I’m reacting to negative things more than I ever have isn’t because of my injections- it’s because I’m tired of holding all of this anger in.

[justtryingtobejames]

Hard Day

Yesterday was my third shot of T (testosterone) so this will be my third week having it in my body. Today was hard- not mentally or physically hard, but it definitely was emotionally hard. I felt extra sensitive, unmotivated, and just in a generally down mood.

There’s a couple reasons why this could be:

1. It’s right around the time of the month that Mother Nature would typically pay me a visit

2. I would consider myself an extrovert and today since I had a day off from work I only had the company of my girlfriend (for like a couple hours) and my girlfriend’s cat

3. My hormones could just be spiking because yesterday I did my shot

These are all of my educated guesses, but they could all be wrong and something else could be going on. Who knows? I’m just looking to better and brighter days.

By the way, testosterone is treating me well for the most part. My voice is easier to keep in a lower register and it could just be the placebo effect of me doing my shot every week but I think I see some changes in my body and like my jawline/facial structure! So that’s cool!

Thanks for following me along this journey.

[justtryingtobejames]

1 Week Later

So I have officially been on testosterone for 8 days now- that’s a crazy thought.

Here are just some of the changes that I’ve experienced thus far: 

1. It may be a placebo effect, but I think my voice is deeper. It may just be that I’m way more consciously aware of what I sound like and have been trying to talk lower more consistently, but it definitely sounds deeper to me. 

2. I feel like I’m already starting to sweat more and smell different. It’s not that I smell bad....it’s just different from my normal smell. 

3. I think that I’ve been experiencing a slight increase in sensitivity in the crotch region- it might be the reason that my libido is a little higher lately because it’s getting a bit more action.

4. Emotionally I feel good that I’ve started taking T. My emotions haven’t been super out of whack like I thought they would be; so far I’ve been able to be on top of my mood. Like I told my doctor when she asked if mood swings were a concern for me- I think that I’m ultimately in control of my body and my actions/reactions to situations so for right now I’m good. 

But......

I just feel like I should be feeling something else; I know the major physical changes and all of that stuff don’t always come right away. I feel like I should be happier and more excited that I’ve taken the first big step in how I want to go about my transition, but I don’t. 

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that I’m on T and I’m so excited for what my future holds but I think that’s all it is to me right now. Right now I’m mainly just excited to get to the next shot day because that means I’ll be that much closer to where I want to be. I feel like there is nothing to be excited for in the current moment because not much has changed yet. 

[justtryingtobejames]

March 9th, 2018

The day that I officially started taking testosterone. 

I take intramuscular shots in my upper thighs and I self inject .25 mgs per week into my body. 

This is going to be a good thing- a very good thing. 

If you have any questions please feel free to ask me- I’m an open book. 

[justtryingtobejames]

Baby Steps

Initial Appointment: Done

So today I had my first appointment at Planned Parenthood in Philadelphia: the ultimate goal with them is to start taking T. Here’s how my appointment (and the process of getting it) went.

1.) I called Planned Parenthood in Philadelphia to schedule my appointment- we found a time that worked with my schedule. I made this appointment about a week and a half ago (for time reference). The person that scheduled my appointment told me that in a little while a financial advisor was going to call me. They were supposed to go through the costs of the appointment (both with and without insurance), what the appointment was going to entail, and answer any questions that I had. About 15 minutes after hanging up the phone I got a call from the financial advisor. She was fantastic: she went through all of the specifics of what my appointment was going to entail, she broke down all of the costs for the appointment (with and without insurance) and answered every single question I had.

2.) Today: I arrive at Planned Parenthood with the fantastic news that I only have to pay a $30 copay for the entire visit today (thank you Keystone Health Plan East). Their new intake form- they updated it within the last year- is relatively inclusive. It asks for your legal name, your preferred name, gender with a variety of options, preferred pronouns, etc. After filling out the intake forms, I waited for about 5 minutes before I was called back using my last name. They had me sit in a room and the financial advisor that I had spoke to on the phone talked me through how the appointment was going to go again and gave me a packet of information. The packet of information included the physical, emotional, short term and long terms effects of T on a person. Then another person came in- I believe they were a nurse- that went through a medical/personal history questionnaire with me. They asked me about my family’s history with certain health conditions, my sexual history, my current health situation (alcohol, tobacco, illegal drug use, etc.), and other things too. WARNING they will ask you about your genitals and they may use anatomical terms so please be aware of that. After the questionnaire was complete they pricked my finger for a blood sample to check my hemoglobin levels. Last but not least, the doctor came- she was a super nice lady- she asked if I had any questions or concerns about taking T, she told me what kind of a dosage that I would be on, and asked if I would like to get the shot that day. 

That was basically my whole visit in a nutshell. It was pretty nice and easy- I say that because I’ve never been too freaked out about doctor’s offices or anything like that. 

With all of this being said I would like to just say some things that I think are important about this visit with Planned Parenthood.

1. Planned Parenthood operates on an informed consent model which means that you don’t need to be seeing a gender therapist or anything in order to get a prescription for testosterone. However, they do try to educate you in the best ways that they know how on the physical and emotional effects of testosterone on the human body. 

2. Every person is different and they may react to testosterone in different ways- you have to take the good with the bad

3. I ultimately didn’t start taking testosterone during this appointment because I was by myself and I thought that it would be best for me to have another set of eyes and ears there on the day that they teach me how to self-inject. I ultimately think it was the best decision for me. 

I know that this post was super long and if you stuck through it I applaud and appreciate you. I want to make sure that my experience can be looked at as a resource. If you have any questions please feel free to ask me- I’m an open book and if you know if this blog can be of help to anyone please feel free to share it wherever!

[justtryingtobejames]

Coming Out at Work

I started working at a new job within the last 2 months- new jobs are scary when you’re trans. I wanted to start off this new job being authentically 100% me, but I was scared that I wasn’t going to have a job if I told them right off the bat. 

I was looking through my new company’s policy book after my first day of orientation and it seemed to have protections for gender identity issues when it came to harassment, but not for job security. I went back and forth with myself: wanting to tell the people I work with who I really am and wanting to make sure that I would still be employed. 

After about 2 months of working my butt off to make sure that all of my supervisors liked me (nobody wants to fire someone that they like, right?), to make sure that I knew what I was doing, and convincing myself that being my authentic self was the only way that I wanted to live at my job I finally sat down with our employee representative (essentially HR) and told her what was going on with me. 

She listened to me ramble and beat around the bush for probably about 10 minutes before I actually started to tell her that I am trans and I would prefer people to use male pronouns for me. She said “this store is in such a diverse are that you definitely not the first person to work here that has gone/is going through transition.” Now I don’t know how but this fact caught me way off guard and I was expecting to be the only one- seriously it was one of those stereotypical situations where I thought that I was the only one to come and work for this company that happens to be trans. I am incredibly lucky to work for an incredible company who is accepting of all types of different people- and I know that that’s not the case with a lot of other people. 

After I finished coming out to her, I asked her for the next steps. Was she going to tell my managers and supervisors? Did I have to do it? Secretly I wanted her to say that I was going to tell them for me- I didn’t want to have to go through all of the anxiety and psyching myself up to have those hard conversations. Sadly she said that I could talk to my managers when/how I felt comfortable. 

Again after about another week of psyching myself up and convincing myself it was all going to be okay, I finally sat down with my supervisor that I felt most comfortable with. 

I am so very fortunate to have a person like her in my life- especially as a supervisor. She is kind, compassionate, and so many other different positive words- she completely put my mind at ease. She asked me if I felt comfortable with telling my other managers/supervisors, and if I didn’t she said that she would speak on my behalf. I opted for her to speak on my behalf in order to make sure that I could still do my job efficiently and again, I didn’t want to deal with the anxiety of telling more than one manager. 

One week later: there hasn’t been too much change in terms of pronoun usage from my supervisors, but I’m not super discouraged because it takes some time for people to get used to it. Also, there aren’t too many opportunities for them to use pronouns when I’m standing right there.

For the future: I am just going to keep giving it my all, taking things in stride, continue to make progress in my transition, and I will continue to be 100% authentically me. 

[justtryingtobejames]

Struggling with Time

It feels like this year is FLYING by and I feel like I have very little to show for it. This year I set out to accomplish so many things: legally change my name and gender marker on everything, start T, save money for top surgery, etc. 

I have made some strides, but really it just feels like I’m moving at a glacial pace with everything; I don’t know why it is taking me so long to schedule appointments and do the things I need to do in order to be further along in this process. It’s frustrating to not know the reason as to why it feels like I’m putting off my physical transition when it’s really one of the only things I want in the world. 

[justtryingtobejames]

The Year of the Name Change and Gender Marker

2018- new year, new me. My New Year’s resolution is to make strides in getting my name and my gender marker legally changed. I know that this can be a long drawn out process that can take a lot of time and work, but it’s worth it. By the end of 2018-if everything goes my way- all of my legal documents will read James Anthony Coladonato and read male as my gender marker.

[justtryingtobejames]

Hello!

So I don’t know how many people will read this- or if this is just a diary for my records- but either way I wanted to explain what it is I’m doing here.

If you don’t know, my name is James (Jamie, J, JJ, etc.) and I am just a little 21 year old pre-T and pre-surgery trans boy.

I came out to people starting this year, and so far I have received an overwhelming amount of support from the people I consider close to me. I am truly grateful for their compassion, understanding, and love.

I know that I’m going to have to go through a lot on my journey to be who I was rightfully meant to be. I also, know that the processes can be confusing. For those people that have to go through the same things, it can be helpful to be able to go through someone’s journey with them.

So yeah, I’m going to try and document all of the things on my journey through boyhood. Here is the beginning of boyhood for me!