Love and Life.

Black, Cis, Queer, Bottom, Christian, Writer/Artist in Los Angeles.

[justwords]

What if the Universe was in love with me and was just waiting for me to give it a chance? What if it’s been pining over me for a millennia and, now that the internet exists, has been sending me “hey” texts for the last five or six years?

“Hey”

“Hey”

“Hey”

And I hate responding to “hey”- because out of all the beautiful words in every language's vocabulary that can be arranged to create beauty, why would you resort to that? And because I like clarity, I prefer a confident direct message with a beginning, middle, and end - so I've been ignoring the shy adorable little creator of all things... because he’s not great with words.

And what if he’s scared because I’ve flippantly said all the lists of things that I demand. Because I'm 50 and too old to be teaching people how to behave; and don't have time for silly dating games; and if pussy is a fruit I might only have 10 more good years of juicy wet chocolate covered peach...

But the universe doesn’t work in futures. Or past trauma. Or even epic love stories…. Because he’s been around long enough to know those usually end in tragedy. What if the universe only deals in the here and now? In living in the moment - In the “Hey how are you” rightnowthisverysecond?

And because I keep thinking of "What it all means" And if this will be my "forever", I keep overlooking the greatest love that ever was or will be.

Because what if the Universe already loves me? What if God has already said yes to a prayer I prayed in my last lifetime, and he’s just waiting for me to finally be open to taking it one step at a time.

He may have birthed every star into existence.

He may be ever-present and all-knowing.

He may have the power to make my every dream come true.

But also...

He is introverted and awkward and stuttering and insecure and not quite comfortable in these things we call bodies: So he wants to take it slow.

What if the universe adores me and he just keeps texting “hey” over and over and over over for eternity...Until one day I respond with “hello”

[justwords]

A Bathouse Christmas

Twenty-two and two years ago when I was twenty something years old, and pink haired, and blue eyed and the best bottom in 3 counties... I used to spend my Christmases in bathhouses. 

Santa was in the back room getting head from a twink who mother says he's welcomed home for the holidays "If he leaves his faggot shit where he found it." But campuses are closed for winter break... So he and me and sixteen  or seventeen other fags are here in the cum stained halls of a building with lockers; and disinfected beds; and off-white towels pushed through a glass window for a fee... Where we, and he, and the fat man with the white beard getting head in a back room are welcomed, and loved for exactly who they are. 

I once met a man who cried like a baby in the the jacuzzi upstairs because his friend of fifteen years called him evil in a goodbye letter that read: 

"I just don't know you anymore, and I can't support your lifestyle. If you can ever cure the demon inside, maybe then we can be friends again... until that day take this in love... 

Merry Christmas,

your ex best friend..." 

He said he wasn't crying - That it was just the water from the hot-tub condensing on his face. 

I smiled and said... "Yeah, Me too."

 And because I've always had a thing for redheads... I invited him to my room and let him fuck me until we were both not crying anymore. 

It took all of 3 minutes because like I said: I'm the best bottom in 3 counties. 

 There is a rumor that gay men are beautiful and and fabulous and dashing and charming and fun!

And we are - 

That we are popular, and erudite, and unburdened by stagnant social rules! 

And we are-

 That we are have more money than any one man needs, that we have more sex than any two men should, and that all of Hollywood bends to the wants that any three gay men decide! 

And it do. 

Fags run this fucking town!

But as pretty; and limp-wristed; and loudly laughing as gay men are want to be-  in our tailored t's; and pink painted nails; clutching our French-leather luxury brand bags.... There was a time when on Christmas Day the bathhouses in every large city were filled with sparkling naked men holding hands in dark rooms because no one in their families deigned to saved them a seat. 

So while the world sang songs of mistletoes and joyfully opend gifts under tinsel and pine....

A fat black  man with a soft white beard with eyes full of sadness and cheer came in from the winter chill and made naughty and nice noises in a dark room with a sling, and a big bed, and condoms, and extra lube... And me and a bunch of men with no names who had nowhere else to be kissed him; and touched him;  and kept his belly warm and his dick hard until Christmas Day was over.

I often wonder where all those lonely men go to find comfort now that the seedy cum stained bathhouse halls have all closed their doors. 

[justwords]

Prayer for the day: May good people find good people.

[justwords]

There are rumors of evil red men in blue ties sitting in the highest seats of power hoarding billions of millions of dollars from the rest off us….There are rumors that the world is ending and that everything is terrible and that we ALL should be doing something…..

But on Tuesdays I have sushi

On Wednesdays I get my packages from amazon and on Fridays put time aside

I get fucked by some of the most brilliant and famous poets on the planet “Anonymous and Unknown”

Now I wouldn’t call myself a bougie black POWERBOTTOM, who loves a top who can cum quick, but I wouldn’t NOT call myself that either!

The point is that I don’t believe in hardship or hard work or living a difficult life. I believe in Tiffany jewelry and pretty blue eyes and a mouth full of brand new teeth! I mean I get that some people are having a a hard time…. And something something about the price of eggs

But I’ll have 2 salmon bellies, a fresh water eel, a spicy tuna roll, a soft shell crab extra crispy, salmon roe, and an order of broiled muscles Please!

.And while I sat in the air-conditioned restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd waiting for my 65$ for 6 pieces of sushi to arrive I could hear protestor protesting outside. Hundreds of white brown and black signs screaming about the atrocities happening in the streets…

And I consider myself a good person. I good myself a white christian woman. I consider myself moral and righteous and good.

But I did not join them.

I did not get out of my seat. I did not leave my comfortable air-conditioned position to go outside and fight in the sun.

And that’s when I saw Jesus.

Jesus came from somewhere in the back

He took off his apron

Announced that he was taken his fifteen in a thick dark accent.

And before he was outside the door was shouting!

“Fuck the Police,

Fuck Ice

Free Palestine.”

AND I FELT SO ASHAMED!!!

I have always prided myself of on being radical, on being anarchist, on being a no load refused cumdump aids infected fag who is not shamed of anything. On being weird and black and fem and strange and willing to risk it all to do what I want for what I believe. If this was stonewall I would have stopped sucking dick in the back room and kicked off my heals threw bricks and kicked a mother fucking pigs ASS! I DON'T top by I do kick ass! If this was the 80’s I would have fought back and fought aids acted up and covered myself in my own blood and had them lay my AIDS infected body on the steps of city hall, And if this was 1930 Nazi Germany I mean I would still want to be black so I’d probably be dead! But I would also have pink triangle sewed to my suit like its tattooed into my skin and I would NOT have ignored the smell of 6 million jews burning and blistering dying in the ditches piled along the streets as I went to go get my groceries.

I would have resisted. I would have organized. I would have put my body on the line.

I would have been that one sassy slut in the gulag giving all the tops wet sloppy pussy on their hard days giving them something to hold onto until the day we are finally free…

I would have done something….

At least this is what I tell myself.

Until my 60$ sushi comes.

I put my headphones in to drown out the protestors.

And I scroll the images on my phone…

And I wait for the smell of death to slowly fade away.

I am so fucking ashamed!

[justwords]

[justwords]

You are very handsome, and I like your writing - or, at least the excerpts you've posted on here.

Thanks darling I appreciate that.

[justwords]

I used to draw all the time. I Even got good enough to have Jim Lee critique my work and print them in his comics. I was in high school and at the time and Stormwatch and Wildcats and Gen13 ruled the world! Then I broke up with my first love in my 20s and didn't draw again for 30 years. Love really does make you stupid. Well during the apocalypse when all thought we were going to die I started taking life drawing groups over zoom (during Covid). I had forgotten how much fun doodling could be! I'm not nearly as good as I used to be. But I'm also not half that bad. #art #drawing #portrait #sketch #procreate #Color #hearts

[justwords]

Pride Poets’ Corner: Featuring Corey Saucier & the Dirge for 24 Hour Fitness

On November 30, 2020, the 24 Hour Fitness location in West Hollywood, which had been in the community for 25...

In Honor of The Steam

There is no name for the god of hot wet air.

But at nineteen when I was 100 pounds lighter – with no ink in my skin; and had all my teeth,

Before the diagnosis of  HIV and AIDS

When we did not know that undetectable was safe…

I was introduced to him.

AAA

Black gay fem boys without fathers have no mirrors to compare length, and sinew, and the curve and fall of breath.

We have no daddies to teach us how to be men.

Let alone gay men.

But the Greeks and The Japanese have always honored the fraternity of the steam.

AAA

In 1999  the  membership was $19.99

Back when West Hollywood was where the fags were.

AAA

There were two floors of blue eyes, and blond hair,

and me trying to find myself among all that white skin.

AAA

Most ignored me.

Some said a polite “I’m not interested” Hello.

AAA

But I found my salvation in the steam.

AAA

Some say that the god of steam is an unreliable shame:

That he is too fickle and teasing and unwilling to be caught.  

But when the door was shut

And my towel fell wet to the floor,

He whispered it in my ear and said, “I am the god of becoming,

The god of stolen kisses, and the god of taking deep breaths.

So take a deep breath.”

AAA

He was Black and beautiful

He only revealed himself when the fever hit and the air was a touch too hot;

And you could barely see them grinding in the dark.

AAA

He put his hands on my shoulder, and hips, and gripped my limp wrists;  

And for two minutes and two seconds he showed me that everyone is welcomed in the mist –

That all can cum inside this tribe –  

And for two and just two more strokes,

He taught me, for the first time, how it could feel to be hot and Black and BEAUTIFUL…

AAAA

And then they hired security.

[justwords]

[justwords]

So I'm in process of writing my first screenplay. I'm five pages in. No big deal. Sort of a RENT meets Scanners meets The Legend of Billy Jean. But one thing I've noticed is that any movie that has an All White Cast was done on purpose. Do you know how much effort it would take for me to create a fictional world with an ENTIRELY Homogeneous cast? And Hollywood does it ALL THE TIME! And no offence if you write a story based on actual events where all the characters are White that just means you have built your actual world as homogeneous as your stories. And that takes even more work. 5 pages in and there are already every race every gender and every sexual identity, Because I have a vivid imagination, And I'm not an asshole piece of shit. #ThatsAll #Writing #Screenwriting #InstitutionalRacism #EndHomogenization #DontBeAPieceOfShit #WriteAllCharacters #Gay #Black #Queer #Green https://www.instagram.com/p/CakiUZkPlSh/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

If the people around you aren’t letting you know; I hope you know. “You is kind , you is smart, you is important.” Most importantly you are important. I find that most people only respect and value the things and people that present a certain way: That see “life”as wholesome and calculated - where everything needs to follow particular rules of love and intellectual “maturity”. So that if you project yourself as silly or slutty or perhaps an off-brand Black Buddha who only lives for the moment, they may not take you seriously. But being serious and being good are not the same thing. Be good. Good is valuable. And that is what’s important. #YouAreImportant #LoveLife #BeGood #YouAreSmart #Gay #Queer #Homo #Bear #Black #Red #heterochromia #BlackBhudda #Bhudda Ps. People Are Weird. https://www.instagram.com/p/CZ5NEwUvjQk/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

The next couple of months will be an exercise in diminishing the ego. God Help Me. I am on the way to the dentist to have as many teeth removed as I can. Wish me luck. I’m so nervous. Eventually I’ll have dentures and a “perfect” smile. But until then... (At least 3 months) I will probably have to learn some difficult lessons in vanity and insecurity. But we are all just meat bags anyway. What you look like says very little about the value of your soul. And since I believe pretty people should never be trusted anyway, I should be grateful for the opportunity to love myself more deeply. #MoreLove #MeatBags #BeautyIsNotPhisical #BeGrateful #AlwaysGrateful #Vanity #Teeth #Gay #Black #africanamerican #Queer #Fem #Bearded #Dad #Bear #Blue https://www.instagram.com/p/CZxJF6HPM5d/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

There is no wrong answer. Just follow the light and every will be as it is supposed to be. And all of it is good. #YouAreFine #ItIsWell #YouAreBlessed #FearNot #YouAreGood #Affirmations #blackhistorymonth #YouAreKindOfABigDeal #Gay #Black #Girl #Magic #Queer https://www.instagram.com/p/CZpUpPpvJzp/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

I was going to do this whole rant about how people choose drama and frustration and relationships full of angst and think that's love. But all of those destructive love choices are born of our childhood traumas and unhealthy relationships with our parents. And since most of our adult lives is us trying to work through, understand, and perhaps overcome the circumstances we were born into. Maybe it's not really a choice at all. All the magazines say "do this" to attract a man. Or "do that" to attract a man (which is Rediculous in and of itself. "Compromise for what?!") but really most therapists say: We are attracted to familiarity. So either they remind you of the love you received as a child or they don't. And so technically the more you have worked through your shit, the less likely it is you will be triggered by someone elses toxicity. So if "romantic" love is about healing your childhood wounds. The less wounds you carry, the less you will attract wounded people. And most everyone is fucked up and wounded. Or at least this is what I tell myself whenever someone turns me down. LOL. #Love #Dating #Romantic #Gay #Trauma #Drama #Black #Brown #enlightenment #Theory #Choice #Rant #Bear #OldMan #Dating101 https://www.instagram.com/p/CZXy7GpvZR5/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

Colors have energy and some people can be receptive to those energies. This is why I rarely wear Black. I'm a color girl. #RedIsForLuckAndPower #Red #Gay #Black #Pearls #Daddy #Scruff #Beard #Old #Grey https://www.instagram.com/p/CY7ITJFvL7r/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

"There is no judgement in love." People profess that we want Love but in the same breath we have a laundry list of criticisms. And then we are surprised that love hasn’t come. I’ve once rejected a guy because of how he held his fork. But now that I’m old, fat, and broke, I’m far more accepting. Lol. #gay #dating #love #gaydating #blackout #black #blackman #blackgay #yellow #tattoed #melanin #bottom #bear https://www.instagram.com/p/CYuInLrvY6v/?utm_medium=tumblr

[justwords]

Following is for losers. Don't be a loser. Just because that's the way "they" say it's supposed to be done doesn't mean that's the way you need to do it. A homogeneous system does not evolve. And this bitch is trying to evolve. #BeYou #BeMore #SayNo #FuckEm #YouAreAMasterpiece #YouDontAlterAMasterpiece https://www.instagram.com/p/CYpHDspPoM9/?utm_medium=tumblr