Sunjae's POV (when he remembers everything)
What? Whose voice is that? Why does she sound so familiar that my flesh starts to tremble in anticipation? Why does the rain feel so familiar on my skin? What are these memories that are rushing through my head? Why does my heart ache like I am about to die? What is this longing, and how come I am desperate to hold that girl running with a yellow umbrella in her hands under the rain in my arms like she's my lifeline? Like she's the air I breathe, the reason for my existence? Where is this greed to feel her warmth coming from? Why does my chest feel like it's about to explode? Am I losing my mind?
How come she's in a wheelchair? What happened to her, and why was she looking at me with tears welling up in her eyes? What is this feeling of helplessness, and why does it start building up in my lungs? Why do I feel like I am carrying these regrets on my shoulders? I feel like shit, and it's torturing me. A fan? She's telling me she's my fan, but why does my heart start breaking upon hearing her say that? Who am I to her? Who is she to me?
"Sunjae-ah! It must have been so hard for you to go through this alone. You couldn't tell anyone that you were struggling. I didn't know how much pain you were in. I'm sorry that I didn't know."
Why is she running towards me with tears brimming in her eyes? Why is she calling my name as if she only has one chance to do so? Why does she look like she's filled with regrets? Why is she hugging me as if she does not want to let go? How come I feel comforted? How come my heart swells with joy? Who in the world is she to make me feel this way?
Why am I frantically calling her name? Why am I running as if my life depended on it? Where is this fear coming from? Why am I trembling with fear of losing her? Why am I desperate and helpless at the same time? When did this kind of fear make its way to me? Why am I scared cold of not being able to see her again? Of not being able to hold her hand again? Of not being able to wrap her in my arms again? Im Sol. Why does your name seem to be at the tip of my tongue all this time? Who are you to make me feel everything at once?
"Sol-ah!" I called out as I stood still at the sidewalk.
I remember everything now.
I catch my breath when everything starts to make sense. My head hurts as the images flash before my eyes like a cinematic de javù with no end. I clutch my chest and dig my fingers into the fabric of my coat, as the unexplainable yearning for something I could not even name all these years and the void that keeps haunting me now make sense. Even the moments when I catch myself in tears for reasons I cannot even figure out start to feel real.
"Im Sol," I muttered under my breath as tears started brimming in my eyes.
Why do you have to do this, Sol? After remembering everything, I cannot help but ask all the whys. Why do you have to make the yearning worse by erasing yourself from my life? Why do you have to make your life miserable just for my sake? Why do you have to suffer by remembering everything while I live the life you chose for me, oblivious to the lives I have lived with you in it? There is no crueler torture than losing every moment I have spent with you and not being able to miss it, relive it, or cherish it. It is much worse than death. I chose to die for you, and it was never your fault. I have loved you in every timeline, and I would die for you over and over again without regrets.
Right. That's your name. The girl I secretly loved during my youth. How dare I forget your name? The way you smiled at me and how your eyes lit up the first time we met under the rain? I should not have forgotten the numerous times you uttered my name. How you came back for me in your desperate attempts to save me when I was also desperate to save you. These memories, good or bad, I'll cling to the last bit of them because you're there. Remembering everything at once makes me want to run to you despite my lungs closing in, despite my knees losing strength, and despite my heart pouncing inside my chest.
"Im Sol." I can barely hear myself as I fell on the pavement as the overwhelming realizations made my knees weak.
"I beg you. Please allow me to remember." I watch the starless sky above me as the tears start to trail down my cheeks.
"Look! This watch is a time machine. I'm Im Sol from 2023, the future."
Allow my heart to break because, for the longest time, there was nothing in here but longing.
"Even if you were to end up in a different time. I would jump over space and time to see you."
Allow me to shed these tears for you because 15 years was a long time of waiting, and you must've gone through prolonged agony in your waking days.
"I hope you're selfish. I hope you think about how you can be happier and live a better life at times like this."
Allow my hands to hold you once again, because for once I would really like to be selfish. Let me soak in your warmth, because a decade and a half without you has left me cold.
Allow me to be the Sun Jae you knew from the start. Allow me to dedicate the rest of my life to you from this day forward and slowly fill the void fate has brought upon us. Allow me to continue to foster the kind of love that transcends time and space. The kind of love that is only meant for you, my Sol.
Note: This was inspired by a prompt by @saltedsan
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