How To Meet Others for Swinging / Threesomes (V2.0)
One of the questions we get asked most frequently is “How do we meet people for threesomes / swinging / swapping, etc.?”
Even after posting about this a few years ago we continue to get asked this (because maybe people don’t understand how to use the search on our blog or the FAQ page lol), so it’s worth re-visiting, and also updating. This time I’m going to expound with quite a bit more information on both swinger websites and swinger clubs. For us, the more reliable way to meet others has been through the swinger websites - and that’s a majority of what this post will focus on, but we’ll share some information on the swinger clubs as we’ve met people there also, and I think it may be helpful to those interested in getting started.
What are the advantages of setting up a profile on a swinger web site?
It’s like LinkedIn - but you know - way more exciting. Think of this as your sexual network, and your profile as your sexual resume. The people that join the sites, for the most part, seem to be serious about “the lifestyle” / swinging. They get it. They’ve taken the time to setup a profile… which means in all probability they are DTF (eventually). They don’t want the drama, they just want fun. Most are happy to be friends as well… friends with benefits that is. Some of the swinger websites have free areas, and then also have membership levels or areas and/or additional functionality you have to pay for. I know everyone expects to get everything for fucking free these days, but keep in mind that the owners of these sites have to pay for the design, maintenance, hosting, bandwidth, and the functionality of the sites like hosting pics, videos, and messaging… so don’t bust their fucking balls about having to pay for them. You want to find / meet some reliable and cool swingers? Pay for the fucking membership area and don’t be a fucking cheapskate. It’s like the old saying goes - you get what you pay for. You want free? Go to Craigslist - you’ll see what I mean.
Public vs. Private
Not unlike setting up a Tumblr - you can use an alias e-mail address for your login and to setup your profile and you can pick a screen name (gotta love the ubiquitous "Cpl4forfun4usixt9" - that’s not my joke it comes from a fucking hilarious video called “Shit Swingers Say”). The only way these sites are not “anonymous” is by using your credit card to pay for the full membership option. When you setup your profile you can also determine what level of information and/or photos you want shared publicly or want to remain private and to share with only selected others. Some sites even allow you to hide yourself from others unless they are confirmed / verified / or friends (see more below). Naturally, you can also block people if necessary.
Confirmed or Verified Members
Most sites have some type of confirmation or verification system where after you’ve setup your profile, if you want to take the extra step of getting confirmed or verified, typically you’ll need to send in a face pic and hold up a piece of paper with your screen name and date on it and it has to be approved by a site admin. These pics are never uploaded to your profile unless you add them there yourself. These sites have this system because there are people who create fake profiles on these sites (I’ve seen plenty of stolen generic Tumblr porn pics used like they are their real profile pics), and so this at least helps you determine (the profiles will be marked as confirmed / verified) which profiles are “real” as they’ve at least gone through some sort of effort to prove they aren’t fake.
Profile Tips
Remember what I said about this being like LinkedIn (but way more fun)? If you’re looking for a job do you put up one fucking terrible photo of yourself on your profile and like one sentence about past employment experience? No, you put some effort into it - this is no different. Put up a reasonable description of yourself, talk about what you like, talk about what you’re looking for, talk about your experience or lack thereof if you’re new to the lifestyle. Don’t bullshit like on your LinkedIn profile either. Also, have fun with this - swingers while they may be serious about wanting to fuck other people - love to have fun and laugh at themselves and others.
Profile Photo Tips
Ok real talk - let’s face it - the first fucking thing someone is going to look at that either gets their attention in the first place, or the first thing they’re going to want to see when they get to your profile is your pics. So, be thoughtful about what you’re posting here. Remember, you’re trying to make a good impression. When you think about what pictures to post, don’t just post pics of your cock or closeups of her tits / pussy / ass. Be a little more revealing of who you are. You don’t have to show your face, but make sure other couples have a sense of who they are talking to. Make sure the pictures are recent, and look relatively decent - try posting something other than a bunch of selfies (or pics where you’ve cropped someone out lol) if you can. If you’re a couple - have your partner take pics of you. Also, if you’re a couple, put up pictures of both of you. Some couples only put up pics of the woman… and it ends up being like click-bait - because when you meet them - she’s smoking hot like her pictures… and he’s not anywhere like his profile described him (or the one photo that was just a pic of his dick). Be honest in your descriptions of yourself as well. We are not by any means “perfect” in our looks or what everyone is looking for… and a lot of people have turned us down, and to be totally honest we’ve definitely passed on meeting some people as well.
Searching
You can search member directories by area (city / state) of the country where you live, and/or who you’re looking for (a couple, a single woman, a single guy, etc.), and/or other features like who they’re looking for (other couples, single women, single men), what level of play they are interested in, distance from you, etc.
Who’s Looking / Who’s On?
Most of these sites do a great job of letting you know who is looking at your profile, and additionally things like if people are “liking” your photos you’ve posted, or if they’ve sent you some type of particular outreach like a flirt or a wave. You can also usually see if they are currently online and if not, when was the last date / time they were online. Some sites will even show you if you have sent someone else a message, whether or not they’ve read it.
Initial Outreach
Ok, you’ve found some people you think you’d like to meet. What’s the first step? As I mentioned above most sites have a way to reach out. Some sites call them “flirts” or “waves” or you can add people to special “hot lists” or “follow / favorite” certain pepole and/or profiles. It’s a first-step way of letting another person / couple know you’re interested in them. Most times people will wait to see if the person / couple they sent an outreach to looks at their profile and then reciprocates that gesture of the outreach. That’s typically when it’s a good time to send a message to reach out more. For fuck’s sake this isn’t (generally speaking here) the time for a “Let’s fuck tonight!” message. For most people that’s an automatic delete. Try a little more along the lines of “Hi. Read and really enjoy your profile. It sounds like we have a lot in common. I / we noticed you’re looking for this particular type of thing and so am I / we. Really enjoyed your profile pics too - thanks for sharing! I / we would be interested in chatting to know you better, if you’d like to get to know us a little better as well.” That’s considered a pretty good / cool message. (See more in the etiquette section below as well about this).
Friends
Once you’ve made some connections with others - you’ve read their profile and you’ve got a lot in common and you’ve liked some of their pics and/or they’ve liked some of yours or you’ve sent some sort of outreach or you’ve messaged - that’s typically when people exchange / accept friend requests from others. (See the section below about “Etiquette” regarding friend requests).
Home page / Dashboard / Timeline
Most sites have a “dashboard” (or timeline) of sorts - where you can post text and/or pics and with some sites even video. It’s usually open to view by anybody on the site, so think about what you want to share here. Usually posting some sexy pics or a good conversation topic will get you a lot of “views”, and some possible interest from others (see Who’s Looking? above).
Groups
Usually the sites also have groups you can join where you can learn about meet & greets or special parties in your area, or other things like common interests in erotic fiction, sexting, photo exchange, BDSM, orgies, gang bangs, etc.
Events
Plenty of information on events taking place in your area, or even information on events taking place in other destinations, or even special travel for swingers to resorts or cruises.
Club Listings
Most sites also have listings, and some have ratings, of local clubs, or if you’re traveling and you’d like to try out of town clubs this is a good way to get information on them. Way more on clubs further down in this post.
General Etiquette
It’s amazing that I even have to write this… but not unlike Tumblr there’s some crazy shit that can go down sometimes. Please, don’t make a profile with one picture, and one sentence “we want to find other swingers” (like duh, no shit!) and go friend requesting everyone on the site. Legit swingers who are serious about this and who are DTF want to know more about you. Don’t expect anyone to accept your friend requests if you have only one picture and basically no information about yourselves. And if you say “I’ve got to be discreet” sorry, not sorry but that’s a bullshit cop-out. You think everyone else on the site wants the whole goddamn planet to know they’re on there? No (okay, not most people at least). Again, your main profile or public pics don’t have to have your faces in them, but give people a little something to see and some information about yourselves and you can still do that and be discreet. Also, if you send someone a message and they don’t reply after a couple of days or so, that probably means that more than likely they’re not interested. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right / polite words to say “I’m not interested” because people don’t want to hurt others’ feelings, so some people will just not reply. So, there’s no need to continue messaging them asking the same question. Also, most swingers appreciate some type of advanced scheduling (lots of us are parents, and can’t play on the spur of the moment) but it doesn’t stop people from sending messages asking to meet up the same night. *Rolls eyes* I’m sure for some people that might work, but for the most part sending a message that day and expecting a hot-ass hook-up later that night ain’t the norm for most.
Info on / Tips for - Couples
Being a couple looking to meet another couple can be a challenge. There are four people involved - and sometimes that can mean a lot of negotiating. Every couple has their own level of comfort when it comes to play. Are you a soft swap or full swap couple? Do you play together in the same room, or will you play in separate rooms? Do you allow solo play? Are both wives bi or bi-curious? If one isn’t bi/bi-curious will the other wife be okay with that? What about the guys? Is one bi-curious and one straight and will that freak out the straight guy? Are both wives into the other’s husband, or are both husbands into the other’s wife? If not, how does that all play out? Will your partner “take one for the team” if necessary? If things are going well with the conversation online and you get a chance to meet - is there chemistry between the couples? If so, how do you decide to take it to the next level? Between being parents and being swingers and all the negotiating that goes on in both of those I bet I could be a top-notch hostage crisis negotiator with the fucking SWAT team. Also, if you’re considering the lifestyle but haven’t talked to your spouse about it, please, don’t create a profile on a swinger site if only one of you really wants to do this. It’s okay if you’re checking it out “recon style” so you can be knowledgeable and informed when you approach your spouse about wanting to try it out, but it’s not fucking cool to start messaging people to meet up, and then not being able to because you both aren’t okay with it and the other person doesn’t even know you have this profile yet. That’s a giant fucking waste of time for everyone involved. You’d be surprised, but it happens a lot. Overall we’ve had some great experiences with other couples and some hot adventures and hope to meet more and have more fun as we continue in the lifestyle.
Info on / Tips for - Single Men
There are lot of them out there in the lifestyle. A lot. Some couples are receptive to them, some couples are not. If you’re a single guy here’s a couple of good things to know. Not all couples will treat you like second class citizens, and some will even welcome your inquires and advances. Just know that at some point along the way some other single guy may have fucked up pretty badly (trust us, it’s happened) and you may be judged on by what happened with that other person. Also, because there are a lot of single guys in the LS, please know that a one word lame come on message and a pic of your dick aren’t going to distinguish you from the crowd exactly. If I see only dick pics or one word messages in our inbox on these sites I just delete them (FYI same for Tumblr). If you want to make a good impression and have even a chance at anything happening, send a nice message - with well written sentences, compliments for the wife, actually read the couples full profile to see if maybe you’re a good fit for them, and most importantly be cool, and don’t be pushy and/or overly aggressive. One of our current regular single guy friends we play with - it took us months to finally be able to meet him - and he played it cool and wasn’t pushy and now we’ve almost been playing with him for almost a year. Safe to say he’s been “rewarded for his patience”. If a single guy takes the time to send a good message like described above - I will at least do them the courtesy of a reply even if it’s to say (”Be Nice” - Dalton) that we’re not interested or not available. Some single guys are also pretty bad about making assumptions - such as that just because we’re on a swinger site and we say we’re open to single guys that my wife wants to / can’t help herself from fucking every single one of them. I mean, I know we’re on a swinger site, and I know she’s a slut - but she’s my slut - and she is selective in terms of what guys she’s attracted to, and I’m selective in terms of making sure it’s someone who will abide by our situation and treat my wife with some dignity and respect. Also, if your profile pic is a pic of your dick and/or your dick pics have no game you should read “The Art of The Dick Pic (Club)” for some helpful hints. Overall, we’ve had a lot of good experiences with single guys and we’re thankful that we’ve met some really great guys through the lifestyle.
Info on / Tips for - Single Women
Ah, the ever elusive “unicorn”… hence the name and the great reverence paid to them in the lifestyle - and it’s for good reason. It’s pretty much the exact opposite of the single guys out there - single women are very hard to come by in the lifestyle - and everyone - couples and single guys - want to hook up with the very limited number of single women. When new single women join these sites they usually get a lot of attention very quickly. A good majority of couples out there - that’s exactly what they’re looking for - and with some couples that’s exclusively what they’re looking for. It always cracks me up when a couple makes a profile on one of these sites and after being on the site like a whole 24 hours, they post something about being frustrated that there’s no single women for them to hook up with one-time this coming weekend for the husband’s birthday. LOL #getaclue. The lifestyle does not work like that at all. (Some really don’t understand at all how this works so much so that we’ve had couples approach us online to ask if they can only play with my wife. I’m not even kidding). Not unlike the single guys though, not all the single women in the lifestyle are perfect in terms of their behavior either. We had one we were chatting with and everything was going great and we were going to meet up (a date, time, and location were all set) until that morning she told us she would rather meet another couple she liked more. SMH. I’d say that sometimes the attention can go to people’s heads as well. Overall, we’ve been fortunate to meet and play with some great single women, and naturally, hope to meet others as we continue in the lifestyle.
So, what are some sites to look into?
This is by no means an exhaustive list. These are just the ones we’ve either seen, or have big followings among the swinger community, or heard the most about the most, or that we are on (we’re not on all of them, and I’m not saying which one(s) we are on). To be fair - this isn’t any kind of a “ranking” below - just a list of sites in alphabetical order. (I’m really sorry but for some fucking reason Tumblr WILL NOT let me hyperlink the sites below. Every fucking time I put the hyperlink in, or just put the site URL’s below it won’t let me post this or save this in Drafts. I tried everything I could think of - they must have an outside link limit in these posts - sorry. Just copy & paste any of those into “the Google” though and you should have no trouble finding the sites).
Adult Friend Finder
Kasidie
Swinger date club
Swing life style
Quiver.us
Can you try Craigslist? Yes. It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but we did use CL a little at the beginning for one or two of our early adventures. We had some good experiences… but you’ve got to wade through a fuck-ton of all the fucking bat-shit crazies to find the good ones that aren’t fakes and/or flakes. We also had some bad ones. So… good luck with that. Our advice would be to stay away from CL.
Also, I’ve seen some people use other standard social media sites like Twitter and of course here on Tumblr for this. Maybe that’s worked for some people, but for us we prefer to use legitimate swinger websites for meeting others. I’m not saying that Tumblr hookups don’t happen, I’ve certainly seem some people post about that.. It may have also happened for us too. Maybe. I’m not saying for sure if it did or not, or if we happened to actually post about it and intentionally hide that fact. Maybe. I’m not saying. From my understanding however, it’s usually after months or longer of talking and getting to know each other. Sending your very first message to another blogger asking where they live doesn’t constitute Tumblr as a legit swinger site. Again that’s just my understanding or what I’ve heard. Maybe.
General
So here’s the most important thing you need to know about the swinger clubs - at least in our experience - you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. If you and your spouse are unsure of whether or not you want to truly enter the lifestyle and you’d like to see what the clubs are all about - you can just go and sit in the club and keep to yourselves and not have to do anything at all but sit and watch. If you’re new and want to explore and be voyeurs you totally can do that. It doesn’t mean people won’t approach you, but you can say that you’re only there to watch and explore and people will be cool with that and let you be. The clubs if nothing else are fucking amazing for people watching.
On-Premises Clubs
Most clubs we’ve been to are what are called “on-premises” clubs - meaning you can play there with others while at the club. Those clubs have a common “club” area with tables and dance floors and the bar, and then play areas or VIP areas where you can play. Each club has their own rules and fees associated with the common area vs. the play area - so do some online research about your local club (or read reviews on the swinger sites) before going, or get there early and get the tour from the staff and they’ll fill you in on the rules. Some clubs are “off-premises” which means it’s a “safe space” to meet other swingers - more than likely for a first time meet up after chatting online - but you can’t play there - you’ve got to go someplace else.
Club Rules
Each club has not only their own rules associated with the common area vs. the play area, but they do have rules about things like what nights single guys can attend (usually only Friday nights and not on Saturdays), rules for single guys who attend, dress codes for the men (singles or couples), and rules about certain areas of the play area. A lot of clubs will post some or most of this information on their websites (which are usually fucking criminally bad and either look like they were designed in 1996, or haven’t been updated since then and are usually not mobile-friendly).
Club Tours
If you’re brand new to this and you want to arrive closer to opening time, the club staff at every club we’ve ever been was more than happy to give us a tour of the place. Most clubs won’t be very busy at all near opening, but it’s good time to get a tour and hear about all the specific club rules. (Also if you get there early for the tour and there’s not many people there, don’t get discouraged only noobs who want tours get there early lol.)
Play Areas
If you’re new to the particular club, or new to swinging go early to the club and get the tour I mentioned. Each club has their own rules for the play area. Please respect them. Especially if you’re in the play area, whatever you do, don’t touch / do anything with anyone else unless you’ve asked first or been given permission. For the most part we’ve not had issues, but there’s been some experiences where we’ve had to talk to people about their / our boundaries. Most clubs will have an open / voyeur area where anyone can watch, and some have more private spaces. Some clubs will even have special areas like a big hot tub, or showers, or areas for bondage or toy play, or even “orgy” rooms. Just be cool and pay attention to what others are doing in order to take some visual cues. If you have questions - ask someone - either club staff or other people that seem to know what they’re doing. Also, sometimes you won’t find out the rules until you’ve broken them - like one time I’m fucking Mrs. M&F on a couch in the voyeur room of a club and she’s got her heels on and someone tells us she’s got to take her heels off in the middle of me fucking her. Seriously, you can’t make this shit up.
Dress (or lack thereof)
The first rule of swinger clubs is that there is always a themed event. Always. Swingers love and need themed events. Otherwise it’s just a bunch people fucking other people. If there was a swinger constitution that would be at the very top. It’s not just back-to-school weekend at the club - it’s “Slutty School Girl Night”. It’s not Christmas - it’s “Slutty Elf Night”. It’s not a private pool party at someone’s house - it’s a “Luau” where “everyone gets lei’d”. In the swinger calendar, Halloween is by far the “Holiest of Holies” when it comes to holidays and themed events. It’s the penultimate mash-up of every themed swinger party ever. At our first Halloween party at a swinger’s club, I watched my wife who was dressed as a slutty Biergarten girl get fingered by Batman for fuck’s sake. Not everyone can say that. The only holiday themed party that truly comes close to Halloween is New Year’s Eve… where you “get to ring in the new year with a bang”. Naturally. All that being said, you don’t even have to dress up for the theme if you don’t want to. If you’re new and just there to check it out “dress to impress” but what you’re comfortable with if that makes sense. You’ll see people dressed for the theme, and you’ll see people that are just dressed for a nice dinner out. Most clubs will have a dress code for the men - since you know their wives are dressed up for “Slutty Daisy Dukes Night” the guys need some “direction”. Usually men will need to wear either nice jeans or pants, and a shirt with a collar and no athletic shoes. Also, thankfully fucking jorts are never allowed.
Play Time
Nothing fucking happens until at least midnight. It’s like the theme nights. It’s written in the Swinger’s constitution “Play cannot happen until midnight (or later)”. In our experience, the club might open around 9PM, but most people really start arriving around 10:30PM and for some people it takes a while for them to get in the groove / get in the mood / meet others.
Meeting Others
The clubs can be a tough environment sometimes to meet others. There’s not the casual / easy flirting of the swinger sites where it’s photo likes and messages and stuff. In the club it’s the face-to-face interaction and that can be overwhelming sometimes. We’ve been at the club sometimes and nobody will come talk to us, and other times, people have approached us. Other times we’ve been at the club, and we’ve been the ones to approach another couple - and sometimes we’ve gotten turned down. It happens. The clubs can also be a little “clique-y” sometimes if a lot of the regulars are there. A good night to try out the clubs is if they are having special meet & greet nights that can be a little less pressure. Most of the swinger sites will also have special nights at the club which are helpful because you can agree on the site via messages to meet up for the first time with another person / couple at the club for the meet & greet. The important thing is if you get turned down, it’s hard, but we’ve learned - there is really someone out there for everyone in the lifestyle.
Legal Stuff / BYOB (Alcohol)
To skirt the local “decency laws” most clubs are BYOB so you have to bring your own booze (they provide only the setups like sodas and fruit juices / cups / ice, etc.). That way if they’re not providing alcohol they aren’t held to the same rules as other nightclubs and can essentially be “private clubs” and don’t get hassled for having a bunch of naked people acting “indecently” and fucking in public. I really don’t want this next part to sound judgmental, this is just based on our experience and what we’ve seen. Part of what takes some people a long time to get going is the need for some “liquid courage”. Everybody has their own thing and we don’t mean to judge - it’s cool with us if people like letting off some steam and getting a little crazy and having a few drinks. We enjoy having a little something to drink at the clubs sometimes, but we’ve seen some people get pretty out of control. Not only is it not sexy at a certain point, but we’d rather fuck people we know who are in full control of their decisions. For the fun we enjoy having there we prefer to be way more sober so a.) we remember all the hot shit we did the next day, and b.) we’ve had some experiences where people said one thing while hanging out talking, and then it changed when it came time to play, so we prefer to be more “present”. Hell, we’ve even been known to hit up the Starbucks on the way to the club to make sure we’re properly caffeinated for what may be a long night (again, nothing fucking starts until at least midnight). All that being said, it’s amazing what people will bring to the club to drink. I mean I know it’s BYOB but some people show up like it’s a goddamn NFL Sunday tailgate party. We saw a couple coming into the club with them one of those large coolers with wheels on it full to the brim. At that point you might as well bring your favorite teams’ pop-up tent and a a fucking grill for your brats while you’re at it.
Music:
For the most part the music seems to be pretty much the same at most of the clubs we’ve been to. We even have a playlist of songs we’ve downloaded that we’ll listen to in the car on the way to the club, or when we’re having friends over to “set the mood”. What kind of music? This is where we confess to being mid-40’s adults who don’t listen to the radio or popular music all that much, but we can say without a doubt that “Mr. Worldwide” Pitbull is the king of the swinger club music. Not unlike the theme nights and nothing starting until fucking midnight or later, another key tenet of swinger clubs is that they have to play lots of Pitbull and of course it’s a requirement that they play Nine Inch Nails “Closer” and Eminem / Nate Dogg’s “Shake Your Ass” as well as any songs that are explicitly about “booty” or sex in general (too many to mention). Also the requisite playing of AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” or Buckcherry’s “Crazy Bitch” where every woman in the club decides they want to work the poles. Not of course that we’re complaining.
Okay… that should be plenty of information for anyone out there looking to meet others for swinging to at the very least get started and on your way.
Now, please… re-blog the fuck out of this so we can get some good info going around about how to do this for all those who want to know.
You can also check some of our swinging tags if you’re interested in more information (or want to read up on adventures we’ve had with the “Our Adventures” or “The Deets” tags). I even linked below a few posts on how we got started in swinging, and why we swing.
Swingers
Swinger Advice
Swinger Humor
Swinger Problems
Our Adventures
The Deets
How We Got Here
Why We Swing
PS. Okay, now that should be plenty of fucking information. If you need more than that I may not be the right person to help you.
PPS. I don’t even know why I’m going to type this because I know nobody will fucking read it, but don’t fucking ask us what fucking sites we are on, or where we live and what clubs we go to. If you do, I’m going to fuck with you bad.
