& waiting is all that i can do.

Katie Rushing. Thirty-two. Long time resident of Florence, Georgia...well, more or less. Sometimes you do things for reasons that you stop understanding once it's over. Sometimes you do things for reasons you never understand in the first place. And sometimes...sometimes you hold back and don't do the things you know you should do.

[k-rushing-blog]

Merry Christmas, loves!

Fingers crossed Lukey and CJ like their surprises today!

[k-rushing-blog]

The problem with me is I always come up with the best, most complicated Christmas gifts right when it becomes nearly impossible to have them ready in time.

But this idea is just too, TOO perfect now to do!

Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right?

[k-stanton-blog]

For me? You shouldn’t have!

[k-rushing-blog]

Oh, Keithy. 

You aren't supposed to spoil Christmas surprises, silly goose! Its supposed to be a secret!

[k-rushing-blog]

I spent all last night compiling a list of crafts from pintrest Luke would actually be able to help with. 

So today I laying garbage bags all over the floor and Lukey is getting to work on his Christmas gifts! Who needs elves when you have a one year old?

[k-rushing-blog]

The problem with me is I always come up with the best, most complicated Christmas gifts right when it becomes nearly impossible to have them ready in time.

But this idea is just too, TOO perfect now to do!

Where there's a will, there's a way, right?

[k-rushing-blog]

There's one thing your Aunt Robin never was...she was never alone.

Every time I watch this episode I cry. 

[k-rushing-blog]

I'm angry today, and I don't know why.

And I'm really not a fan of anything.

[k-rushing-blog]

Katie's Journal - 12/02/12

Because nothing I have to say is kind. 

I know she's a good woman. And she can provide all sorts of things for Lukas - she'll have access to Jake's money in a way that Luke may never be able to, if all the custodial things go according to plan and he has to give up his rights to Lukas. 

And she deserves to know her grandson. None of this is her fault.

But, the thing is, Elsa - your son doesn't have a son anymore. And so if you're going to be his grandma, you've got to understand he has his real dad now. Maybe not the one who's biologically related, but its his real dad - its his forever dad - and your son is nothing to him now.

[lizmaryjennings]

[priestlyshasmoved]

[cjwyatt-blog]

TEXT TO KATE:

You don’t have to say anythin’. Just listen to what she’s got to say and go from there.

[k-rushing-blog]

 TEXT TO CJ

Okay. Yeah...I can do that. I...yeah. And hey...the next time I start freaking out about something, I should maybe just remember to talk to you first...because you always make it sound so simple.

[cjwyatt-blog]

TEXT TO KATE:

I don’t doubt that people with good parents can come out fucked up. But it’s up to that person, and obviously somebody did somethin’ wrong with Jake to make him think it was the right way to be.

[k-rushing-blog]

TEXT TO CJ

I know. You're right. You are. I just...Elsa wants me to call her. And I don't know what to say to her, you know? And I hurt for her, I guess. Because she lost her son - whatever choices he made...she lost him. And I guess I don't know what to do.

[cjwyatt-blog]

TEXT TO KATE:

Not really, no.

[k-rushing-blog]

TEXT TO CJ

Well, I do. Whenever I think of Elsa - Jake's mom. I mean...she tried to do right by him. She did. She's a lovely woman. And she tried to raise him right, and he still turned out the way he did. What if there's nothing you can do about it? I will always love Luke, you know...even if he was like Jake, I would never love him less.

[k-rushing-blog]

Katie's Journal - 12/01/12

And I remember getting in my first argument with Jake. And it wasn't physical - it was exactly the way I thought people were supposed to argue when they were in love. He was mad because I was going over to Chris'. "What are you gonna do," he asked, "when you're practically 800 miles away and he's nothing to you? You can't run over there every time I'm busy with work and can't give you every last bit of attention I can muster."

I wanted to yell at him for calling me needy, because that's what he was doing, but I remember. Instead, I stood up, and I crossed my arms over my chest, and I looked right at him and I told him "Chris will never be nothing to me." And I picked up my purse, and I left, and I never told Chris we fought about him, because I thought I was happy and Chris thought so too, so he would have done the noble thing and gone away so I could have been happy without the fighting. 

And then the dream changed, and I was sitting there, ignoring the invitations to Liv and Keith's wedding, just because I didn't want them to see what I had become. And I was making excuses all the time. Chris' ringtone would go off for what felt like hours, and then I'd text him back, saying I was busy with things but I would try to catch him next week - and I wouldn't. I didn't call back. I would text, once in awhile, to see how things were, but eventually I even stopped that.

I woke up, and I wanted nothing more than to wake Chris up and apologize for all of that. Except that he would think it was stupid, and I had nothing worth apologizing for, and I should move on from it. And I know I should. 

But I let Jake take away the one thing that mattered, even if only for a second...and I don't know that I'll forgive myself for that.

[k-rushing-blog]

TEXT TO CJ

Do you ever stop to wonder what it'd be like if the worst happened and Luke ever came out anything like Jake when he grows up?

[k-rushing-blog]

Jake's mother wants me to call her. "If I'm ready", "when I'm ready". She told him she doesn't want to talk about Jake - she won't even mention anything about it. 

...and I guess I don't know what to do with that.

[k-rushing-blog]

hellsbells-83 replied to your post: hellsbells-83 replied to...

Aw, I hope so. Christmas didn’t really measure up t’much last year.

Best part of kid - a year with him and every bad holiday memory gets wiped out by great ones. It's like you're experiencing them all over again for the first time through his eyes. I sound so sappy - but it really is the best. 

[k-rushing-blog]

hellsbells-83 replied to your post: hellsbells-83 replied to your post: Remember that...

Ain’t it weird to think that a kids biggest problem is having a set of keys taken away? And yeah, he seems excited enough. Well, he’s smiling and staring, so I deduced that to be happiness.

Right? Now that it's quiet, I can actually find it a little adorable how heartbroken he is over it. 

And yup, that's about as happy as they ever seem at that age. I'm so excited for you - this'll be the best Christmas you've ever had because of him. :)