So, I guess I should explain what I’m doing here, huh?
I’ve had OCD ever since I was very young. Start of elementary school, maybe a little before. It started out with being horribly afraid of poison(not going to go into that), but then it switched to being horribly afraid of God.
I’d pray every time I made a minor mistake, every time I felt like somebody was upset at me, every time I felt like I was in danger(I’ve always had anxiety, so that was a lot). I’d pray, and pray, and pray. I wouldn’t sleep at night because I was so worried about going to hell. I’d try to be perfect, like what I thought “holy” was supposed to be; praying all the time, wearing dresses, sitting and drawing during recess instead of playing… you get the picture. Keep in mind, that was from when I was seven to ten years old. Whoopsies.
Eventually, when I was eleven, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I knelt down for the last time for years, and told our Father that I needed a break.
And, well, it worked. I found out I had OCD later that year, and I started seeking treatment. My first therapist—along with, you know, developing more issues—made everything worse(uh oh), but eventually I found a therapist that worked for me. And antidepressants.
After more time being an atheist, I realized that I didn’t need to be afraid anymore. I was better; I had much better things to be scared of. Plus, I found some kind, wonderful people online that just so happened to be Catholic(*cough cough* snow *cough cough*) and they posted about how being Catholic made them, well, better; better mentally, better human beings, that sort of thing.
So, after a really long time of ignoring our Father’s existence, I finally started speaking to him again.
Of course, I’m still not 100% in the terms of “not being absolutely terrified of your own religion,” but I’m getting there. It’s pretty nice to know that there’s a lot of someones up there whose love is only unconditional. :]
