… and then the stars aligned just for you…

katie .. she/her/they grief and other writings

[poeticblogname]

more things i want to update you on: oceangate! lowkey forgot about that. trump is pres again wtf. Dan and Han just got married, i haven’t kept up with them so i didn’t get invited, but that’s now two of our friends :D. charlie kirk died lmaooo. i quit the medical field. jas and i are having our 4 year anniversary in march !

[poeticblogname]

i went to the UK, i’m still not religious but i prayed for your soul to have peace in every cathedral i went to, just in case we were wrong about god.

it’s been almost 3 years since we lost you, i’m still angry and sad. i still think about you every day. i still love you and miss you, i don’t think that will ever change.

surely there’s a bigger message in this. in your death. in my grieving. i have spread my love for you across the continents, prayed for you in the same places where thousands have prayed for their dead for thousands of years. in places that have seen coronations and weddings and movies and war. i hope i can spread my love further one day. i want to send your mom a postcard.

[poeticblogname]

you were in my dream the other night. me you and kale went to a rickety amusement park, it was scary and thrilling and fun. i like when you visit my dreams. i always wake up happy

[poeticblogname]

when discussing the atrocities of war “ww1 men would call their nurses mother” inevitably comes up, it’s a heartbreaking truth, but i feel it ignores half the story. yes those were broken, scared, hurt teenagers getting stitched up.

but those nurses were teenagers as well. those nurses were patching up and holding dying teens and men. those 16 year old nurses were pretending to be the mother to dying 18 year olds.

[poeticblogname]

“you told me this before” what do you mean you’ve heard this before and remembered? you actually listen to what i say? you remember my pointless stories and endless rambles? you listen and process and aren’t just waiting until it’s your turn to speak? you remember my words? they’re important to you? they mean something? i mean something? i’m more than just my mothers youngest child? i’m more than a little sister? i’m more than a 12 year old with passionate words that fall on empty ears? sometimes i still think of myself as nothing more than how i felt as a child.

[theaddictspoetry]

Grief is weird I think of you every day, Some days I smile. some days I cry. some days I just drown, drown in the could have beens, should have beens, the unknown. the unknown- is what truly kills us. this wasn't supposed to be this way, i'll spend forever trying to find out why you're not here anymore.

@theaddictspoetry

[poeticblogname]

i don’t think anyone could possibly know me if they didn’t know me before your death.

i know it’s been a while. thinking of you isn’t painful anymore, but it puts a weird feeling in my gut. god i miss you so much.

i dropped out of college. again. i moved out though, i live with Jewel, it’s fun, i love having my own space.

monday at work i was listening to music when the internet went out, the song stopped and i noticed that it just so happened to be that 1D song that has your name on it. i like to think that maybe that wasn’t a weird coincidence. i get so incredibly happy when things like that happen, when i dream about you too. these things are rare, i like to think that it’s you reaching out, even if it could be a coincidence. I love you Liv.

[typewriter-worries]

where's that picture that ruined my life

[typewriter-worries]

found it

[typewriter-worries]

this comic did the same thing

[waitingforthesunrise]

emotional processing is so funny because sometimes you’ll be violently sobbing on your bedroom floor over something that happened 4 years ago and then you’ll just. get up and make coffee. and go to the grocery store. and take all this fundamental sadness for a walk. and ponder the cosmic experiences of humanity while eating a sandwich. and that’s healing.

[poeticblogname]

my friend died in 11/14/22. Monday night i cried so hard my boyfriend came running from the other room. then i got up and had something to eat, we played scrabble until bedtime. next morning, i got up and went to work and did my homework. i am still sad but the world keeps moving, it is the worst and best thing about it.

[poeticblogname]

sometimes i realize that i will have to go my whole life without you. it’s so unfair. i miss you so much

[poeticblogname]

try first time i ever truly felt powerless was when my grandmother was dying. my family was old and my cousin spent 6 years in and out of hospitals for a malpractice, so hospitals and death wasn’t unfamiliar to preteen me. (i still think this is why i chose to work in healthcare). my grandmother had dementia and had just had a stroke, she didn’t really know me, she could recognize me and her love for me, but not who i was. when the nurses came in to change her (two male CNAs) we all left, but she wanted me to stay. when they lifted her up and began to change her she panicked, she thought they were raping her i assume, i tried to comfort her in anyway 13 year me could.

standing there. listening to your grandmother yell for help and only watching. she couldn’t have understood. she would never blame me. she would feel terrible to know this has effected me. i wish i could have helped her

[poeticblogname]

from the time i was 13 to now my parents have worked in assisted living, so i have heard the stories of sickness and death in all their versions. my mother worked in memory care for a while, now i work in healthcare as well, and the thing that breaks my heart the most isn’t the slow descent into sickness, or seeing people become a distorted image of their past selves, it’s the crying out for their mom.

in memory care people often believe they are in the past, plus they’re hurting. they believe they are young and back in their childhood home, but something is wrong, they’re scared, they’re hurting and what do you do when you’re young and scared and hurt? you call for your mother. hearing old ladies and men shouting for their mother, has always been the most heartbreaking part of the job.

[intezaarlily]

the ache of nostalgia

[nariarts]

Tips for Defying the End of the World.

Printable version here - feel free to print out for yourself or distribute to others for free.

[poeticblogname]

it’s all too much. i’m crying in the work bathroom. i’m so sad and stressed. it’s been a bad day. i don’t know to do anymore i feel so lost.

[poeticblogname]

i found out your boyfriends real sentence. 20 days of community service. 1 year of no driving. 4 year probation. it’s breaking me. i know your family agreed but cmon.

you are GONE. you are ASHES. you are a dead 19 year old woman who will never get married, have a family, graduate college, or grow up. you were worth more than 20 days of trash pick up. you are dead and all your killer faces is 20 days of trash duty? it’s ridiculous. it’s barbaric. i hope he rots. i hope he lives his life in guilt. i hope he suffers, not by the hands of the justice system but by something more. he will move on in life, he will get to do the things you dreamed of and he will live a normal life with your blood on his hands. i hope one day i can meet him and make him hurt.

it’s not fair. it was never fair but this? this is a slap in the face.

[poeticblogname]

my birthday is coming up. i am soon to be to two years older than you ever will be. i will be having my first legal drink and there’s nothing i want more than to share it with you.

ID moved away today. i am so happy for her, she got married before she left.

while i am happy i can’t help but feel like i truly am alone. i have other friends but my girls are all gone :(. i miss my girls.

my mom told me i was gonna have abandonment issues. i’ve been through a lot of in the past few years. one day it will stop. the worst part is that i don’t have anyone to talk to about it. i feel so alone and so so lonely. god i miss you. i wish you were here. even if we never talked again. i just wish you were alive and okay.