So, yesterday, I decided to just do it. Even though it feels strange to have it on my blog–a bit like charity–I am listening to the words of my friend on Facebook, as well as a reader from this blog. I have went ahead, and added a link to a PayPal that I have set up, where readers can, should they choose to do so, donate money, which I will use to get my husband a dream birthday gift, for his big 50, in one year. I know I have talked about it in the past, but in this post, I will begin by stating what it is that I wish to get him (however unlikely it may be), why I want to get it for him, and why I feel like adding this button was my last effort, at making this a possibility, no matter how small it may be. My reason for rewriting all of this, is to let everyone reading know that I am not just some lazy mooch, begging for money.
For the past year, I have known exactly what I have wanted to get for my husband, for his fiftieth birthday, which will be in January of 2019. I have wanted to get him a Louis Vuitton bag. Yes, it is extravagant, and over the top. Some would say that such a want is ridiculous. And, were it not for the past two years, I would agree, in saying that this gift is completely insane, to even consider. But, our past two years have been anything but easy…and I have felt, for some time now, like, if I could manage to get him this–this rather opulent gift–that it would help to bit of cheer, that is so desperately needed.
In the past two years, we have been involved in what can only be called a flat out WAR! In an effort to destroy my husband–to bring him pain, simply for the sake of bringing pain–of watching him suffer–a former best friend of his (for over 30 years) has began viciously attacking him. Lies–hurtful lies, that should NEVER be spread about anyone–have been told, about my husband, to all of his friends, from high school…friends that he has known, and cared for, for quite some time. These lies, being so brutal in their nature, has made all but a handful of his friends turn away, and ignore him completely. We now live, knowing that these falsifications have done irreparable damage, which has caused a great amount of grief, and left a hole that can never be filled.
Along with these lies, this former best friend not only took prized possessions that my husband left in their care–things that were supposed to be cared for, until they were able to be claimed–but also sold them. Things that my husband had collected since childhood. Dated comic books, dolls and other items from a deceased grandmother, autographed records and tour books from concerts that he had gone to when he was a teenager, and so much more. All of it stolen, along with a good amount of money, from my husband, at a time, when he was battling cancer. By the time we were able to fight to make things right, too much time had passed. Nothing could be done. All of his goods–childhood memories, and heirloom pieces (even jewelry from his grandmother) was pawned off, and even sold on eBay. (One of the most tragic things ever was watching these items as they were posted on eBay, and watching them get sold…unable to stop what was happening.)
The toll of this betrayal has been too much to bear. Between the fact that this was a former best friend, and the fact that lies and thievery had been caused, with malice (and to hurt him), we are both living, daily, wondering how in the hell something so devastating could happen.
This…this is why I wanted to get him the Louis Vuitton bag. Yes, it is expensive. I understand that. But, after this hell–this nightmare that no one, and I do mean NO ONE, should have to live–if anyone deserved to have such a wonderful thing, it would be my husband.
I began applying for positions in early 2017, knowing that as soon as I got a job, I would start scrimping, and saving–putting aside every single dime that I could manage to put aside–to make this dream of mine a reality. I just knew that, when he got it–when he looked at the black box, with the name on it, and opened it, to reveal this bag (that he has ALWAYS wanted, so he has told me)–it would ALL be worth it.
I applied everywhere I could think of. Every store at the mall (JC Penny, Sears, Macy’s, Dillards, Books-A-Million, as well as all of the other lesser known mall stores), every local hotel (for every position that I could manage to do), restaurants (though I cannot serve, I applied to wash dishes), Walmart, Target, banks…you name it.
Hundreds of applications sent out, and so many promising interviews set. Interviews where I would wear a suit, arrive early, bring a copy of my resume (in case they did not have one), and smile my way through the process.
And, each and every time, the same thing…
The interview would end, with talking, in some way, about my disability. A few of the ballsier places would tell me that the position was not set to safely handle me. (How can one possibly fall, while sitting at a front desk at a hotel?) Others would ask me if my limitations would prohibit me from performing the necessary tasks. Some managers would actually look at my walker, or the way that I walked, and roll their eyes, or give a discerning look.
One, right after the other, I would get the rejection emails. The last one, which came from the position I most recently applied for, read the following: “Dear candidate. We appreciate the interest you have in working with us. And, while your resume is impressive, and your knowledge great, we have decided to, after interviewing, and careful consideration, to go with an individual who can better match the physical demands of the position. We do wish you the best of luck, and will keep your resume on file for future positions.” (Again, I have to ask…what physical demands are there, in a position where, even during the interview, I was told that the position was a sedentary position.)
At first, I thought that I would, in time, find that right job…that one that would allow me the chance to shine. But, after having sent out well over one thousand resumes, and having taken part in well over 200 interviews in the past year–all of which, in some way, bringing up the topic of my disability, or, as it is sometimes also referred to, my “limitation”, I can honestly admit that the hopefulness is gone. (Just today, when my husband and I were having lunch, I told him that, over the past year–especially after this past interview–I have felt part of that flame go away. “Part of what made me, “ME”, has gone away.” I used to be eternally hopeful…optimistic, and always happy. I used to be the type that thought that, eventually, something good would come.
But, after so many interviews, and so many turn downs (for a reason that is clearly obvious) that optimistic nature sort of begins to fade away.
At the time where, listening to the words from my Facebook friend, as well as a note sent by a reader, on my last post, I have decided to change my blog format, and add a donate button, for a PayPal account that I have opened up. Both of these people told me that I would be surprised at what would happen, if I just gave it the chance. My Facebook friend, as I have already written, told me that if one hundred friends (or one hundred twenty) each donated ten dollars, it would get me the amount needed. Of course, as I have told them, I do not have one hundred friends on Tumblr. So, the odds are slim that this will happen. My FB friend said to keep hope up, and see if those who donate–because he is sure SOME will, where I, on the other hand, have my reservations–would reblog. I will admit, it sounds all nice, and it would be crazy insane if it actually happened.
I think the reason why I put up the donate button is, if I am being honest, it is a last resort. Clearly, as sad as it is, I am not given a fair chance, whenever I go in for an interview. And, each time, it takes a bit more of my soul, when rejection comes.
In the end, I have to prepare myself for the (very real) possibility that, against what these two people feel, this will not work. I really hope it does…but, the odds of it are, I am afraid, slim to none. I am a realist, after all. Still, if by some miracle (and I do mean MIRACLE) enough individuals donated, and this was possible…well…
To be able to get my husband something that he told me he wanted, so much. To be able to get him the very thing that I had dreamed of getting him. And, to be able to get him a gift that, by the extravagant nature, would be something (finally) that he could take pride in, after the hell that has been dumped on both of us, these past two years.
Everyone has a dream, right? Well, for the past year, since he first told me he desired one of these bag, THIS has been mine? And, they do ALWAYS say that dreams do come true. So, while I have a difficult time believing this will pan out, I figured that, as my FB friend, and Tumblr reader said, I could very well be surprised by what happens.
There you have it. I just wanted to write that out here, so that anyone who sees the button on my page, linking to the PayPal, will not think that I am just out for easy money. Believe me when I say that I have tried, VERY HARD, to get work, to make this happen. And, sadly, people in the position to hire always seem to narrow-minded to look past the disability.
Anyway…moving on now, since I have probably made a few of my readers uncomfortable. (If I have done so, I do sincerely apologize. This was not my intent.)
Yesterday’s square was another square, worked almost entirely with cluster stitches. In the six rounds that make this square up, clusters are used in five. And, in the first four rounds, the only stitches are chain spaces, and clusters. I can say that, one problem I have with this cluster-heavy square, is that (due to the prominent use of clusters, which create a bubbled type of stitch) the square does NOT want to lay flat. When trying to take the picture of it, I had to force it flat, and hurry and take the picture. Because, this square, in all purposes, is much like one of those little plastic suction popper toys. If you take your hands off of it for more than a moment, it starts to pop right back up!
The center of this square–round one–is worked using a camel color yarn. Not a favorite of mine–I am not all that much of a brown fan–but, being that I had JUST enough of it for the round, I figured what the hell. All the other rounds were worked in pink.
Now, as I said above, apart from the last round, every round is comprised of nothing but chains and clusters. The last round, also has clusters. The corners are made using two sets of treble clusters, separated by a chain space. But, for the sides of this last round, you work what is basically three treble “X’s”, by skipping a stitch, creating a treble, and then working a treble, back in the missed stitch.
In the end, this square is one that seems completely unnecessary. While I am not against the use of clusters, by any means, this square uses them in such a way, that I really have to wonder if it would have been just as fitting, to work regular double crochets, and trebles. Because, in this great volume, you really cannot even tell that they are, in fact, clusters. (You know, unless you see the square turning up, because of them.) It just seems like someone wanted to create a square pattern that was really much more intensive than it really needed to be.
As far as looks on this square go…I really cannot pinpoint why, but for some reason, I am not all that impressed with it. There is just something about it that is…wonky! There is something about it–and I don’t know what–that just doesn’t work right.
But, we all know that I am not going to like every square in this challenge. This has not been the first square that I do not like. And, I can assure you, it will not be the last. But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I FINISHED it. Another squarew to check off my list, bringing me one step closer to the end of this challenge.
And now, after writing a very long post (which, again, I hope does not offend or make anyone uncomfortable) I am now off. Time to go work another square.
Until tomorrow, my dearest readers…
