Literally Can Even

Amir Persaud. The puns are alright. Nothing better than a nice suit and shoes.

[theunmarkedtombstone]

It wasn't until I saw the extra footage that I was able to realize just how much of a… Hm…

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, S17E01 - THE GANG FUCKS UP ABBOTT ELEMENTARY

[junlicais]

Fact of the matter is… you are just a pretty face. 

[grumpycat-carson]

"Manners," she mumbled, definitely rolling her eyes again at him. Affectionately, though. Always. Carson watched as he placed the plates down and sat across from her. She's looked at Amir a million times before but now it was like she couldn't look away. She had to keep reminding herself that they were done playing pretend, that it had been fun but it was over now. It was work. They were friends. She was impressed and charmed by him, she couldn't even hide it anymore. She'd deny it, sure, but it was written all over her face. "You really took it to heart when Ratatouille said 'anyone can cook', huh?"

Carson relented, though, allowing herself to grin back. "It looks amazing, Amir. I look forward to you leveling up your skills. What, you don't think popcorn and red is a food group?" it was her main one, at least. "As long as you like it, babe," she joked, but her tummy was doing somersaults.

"There is no stopping Jasmin," she agreed, about to say something else when he pivoted and asked. She was going to ask. If Carson had been braver, she would have asked so much more than that. "Uh, yeah. Sounds good. I mean, assuming you're not sick of going everywhere with me by now."

[kanye-amir]

He wanted to joke. Make some stupid comment about if she kept rolling her eyes, they would get stuck or something but he was more focused. He knew she appreciated it but he wanted to take in every ounce of her praise. Even if it wasn't in her words, the appreciation she could read in her eyes was almost enough. Almost. Though Amir had accepted that was probably all he would get. Instead his mouth dropped open for a moment, breaking into a laugh. "No way you're comparing me to Remi. I will have you know Car, no mice in my kitchen." Still he picked up utensils, shrugging lightly. "I love cooking, it's more fun to cook for someone else too."

Did she know that when she smiled at him, it made his day. "Good. And Hell no, Carson. I don't know how you function when that's what you eat." Popcorn was good, that he caved but there was no way that was how she lived. "Keep calling me babe and I might get carried away" He already had.

They had given up stopping Jasmin. Amir snorted, tilting his head. "I thought you knew me by now. I could never get sick of you Carson." That was as much of a confession he thought she would allow him.

[danielasxlva]

"Amir... You're breaking my heart here, you don't remember? I suppose I was wearing something much more jaw dropping than this. Although, to be fair, I still look pretty outstanding today." Daniela looked him up and down, a devious smile on her face. She had been shocked to see Carson McGregor at that gala, let alone with such perfect arm-candy. Carson had left behind their upper class circles for a life of... whatever she was doing, long ago. Daniela didn't understand it at all. "Daniela Silva."

[kanye-amir]

He frowned for a moment, sad to give the idea of breaking the heart of someone so pretty. And here she was, just walking into his job. "You look beautiful, I promise." He quickly jumped in to compliment her. Not that she needed his help, she knew what she looked like. "Ah," it clicked. "The one who knows Carson. It's nice to see you again. Have you been here before? Do you need a tour?" A friend of Carson was a friend of his.

[danielasxlva]

"Ooh, I am loving the energy in here. The creativity, the dreams, the passion are palpable! Are we sure we need that plant though?" she added, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow at the ficus on the table.

[kanye-amir]

Amir stood quickly, knocking his desk, as he stepped back in pain. "Oh, uh, are you seeing someone here?" He paused, "I- I know you, right? You look so familiar."

[jennifercheckwannabeme]

where?

[grumpycat-carson]

Carson rolled her eyes and poorly suppressed a smile at his grin. That grin. That grin should have been illegal. She watched as he pulled out her chair and her stupid heart gave a squeeze in her chest. Carson McGregor did not swoon. She didn't doodle little hearts and wish one day her prince would come. Maybe she'd been so busy making sure that he didn't, she hadn't noticed that he--- The thought was quickly cut off. "You know, you don't have to do this stuff for me anymore."

But she sat down all the same, trying so hard not to brush against him. Carson hated how often she had to remind herself that this wasn't... It was for their article. Mostly Amir's, really. He'd make it sound a dream, she had no doubt. Anything she might have felt during their work was irrelevant (she told herself). "To be fair, I think I'd prefer you cooking over any Michelin star restaurant," she smiled.

Carson tried to shake off whatever she was feeling- nervous? apprehensive?- by focusing on dinner. With her friend, Amir. Her best friend. Her only best friend. "Okay, article or not, I think we should definitely make this a regular thing. I feel like this is the most adult meal I've had all week-," she joked, hastily adding a- "Thank you." Carson was thinking too much about whether or not she was acting normal. It was the worst.

"Are you, uh, looking forward to the anniversary party thing for work?"

[kanye-amir]

Oh he knew exactly what she was talking about. you don't have to do this. but choosing to play dumb was Amir's one and only plan to get away with it. "don't know what you're talking about, car." he shrugged lightly, glad her back was now to him so he could hide his face better. "also what kind of guy would I be if I didn't hold out a chair. Manners, Carson. Manners." An excuse. A perfect one.

If he were honest, well if he were honest they never would have gotten this far, but if he were honest he had already written most of their article. He couldn't tell her that, he couldn't even begin to imagine how she would react so yes, he had lied to Carson once again. Oh the complement he didn't know he needed. His heart swole, feet taking him back to the counter. He placed the plates on the table. Taking a seat across from her. He cleared his throat, "okay so for Chef Amir's attempt at a fancy meal today, I present you brown butter scallops with parmesan risotto. I also got a desert. Can't bake yet so I bought it but one day I'm going to surprise you." He grinned.

He raised a brow. Had Carson just presented the perfect opportunity for him? "Oh, I'd be down. Well, I feel like you're just using me but I like it. You don't eat enough anyway." Any chance to spend more time, especially outside of work with Carson? He would be a fool to turn it down.

"Uh yeah. Well we know Jas will go all out so I — oh you wanna go together? Save some effort you know?"

[grumpycat-carson]

Carson couldn't believe how long she'd gone along with this assignment. Amir had insisted that they had to be committed, they had give their readers as much variety as possible. After all, they were foaming at the damn mouth to find out how to be an 'A-List Couple', right? Carson had rolled her eyes a lot these past four months. And she'd smiled more than she had in her whole life.

There had been moments she hated to dwell on though. Like the way Amir looked at her in the black dress. Or the hand holding. The dancing. The photoshoots (she squirmed at the memory). Carson had never been so close to Amir, physically or otherwise. But it was just a story and now it was over.

When he called from the kitchen, she rolled her eyes again. She was about to reply with some scathing retort but then she smelled it. And her stomach growled in response instead. "Ugh, fine!" she shouted through from the living room, pushing herself off the sofa. She leaned in the doorway to the kitchen, watching him at work. Chef-ing. Was she smiling? She was so fucking embarrassing. "You're lucky I'm all of a sudden ravenous, Amir. I'm just saying."

[kanye-amir]

He had their friendship to thank. If Amir was anyone else and had Carson been anyone else then neither of them would have gotten this far. Or it would have gone in some other direction but the fact was it helped with their article. And he got to enjoy at the same time. He couldn't argue.

If Carson really hated him, like some people liked to think, the she would never have entertained him long enough. Let his comment on the dress, photoshoot, their dates. Who knew A-List couples enjoyed so much.

Hm. He knew her too well. Luckily it played in his favor tonight. He grinned, setting the plates down at the table. "Luck on my side is my win today." It didn't hurt that he had wished for this luck either. "It's no Michelin star restaurant but I think you'll be happy." Glancing over at Carson, he pulled a chair out, nodding her to sit.

[kanye-amir]

Call it fate, luck, or maybe even pixie dust. Okay, that was besides the point but Amir was giddy. The moment he showed that though, Carson would be running the other way. No matter how much he pushed her buttons, there was a limit to how far he could go with her.

The line ended the moment Car called his bluff and questioned what was taking them so long. He couldn't even imagine how much he could lie about their thoroughness but he had managed. Here they were four months later, finally wrapping up.

"Can we please eat before we break this down." He called from the kitchen. Of course in true Amir fashion, he had also cooked. Anything to prolong their night. "I'm starving and I just think we'd do better on a full stomach." Not a complete lie . @grumpycat-carson

[malc0lmfreberg]

[kanye-amir]

teenagemutantninja-leo‌:

Now you’re talking, oh man. The severe lack of ice cream cake at any quote-unquote “adult” restaurant is literally what’s wrong with this world. It could fix alotta shit is all I’m saying. Literal tragedy. At least we have each other now and I’ll bet between the two of us we can get a good vibe going around here. [ laughs ] I’ll keep that in mind. I guess you can’t run a big time successful magazine without a few secret Margs to get you through the deadlines. Yes, Jaz. I’m super stoked to meet her! Aw man, he really has become a sensible member of society, hasn’t he? Probably for the best. I mean, I’m not complaining since Noah is the whole reason I got this gig. I will thoroughly and lovingly shame him to you, I promise. Maybe the second. [ presses a hand over his heart ] I’m practically swooning here, bro. If you need anything like, work-wise too, let me know. I’m here to earn my spot.

Are you working on anything cool now?

The lack of a kids menu should be a problem. I mean I know we want fancy food but sometimes I just want a basic burger not some burger with fancy cheese and other things I just didn’t ask for. We will unite and join in the fight then. Partner in.... well it’s not crime but something like that. You’re right, no more carrying the vibes of the office by myself. I and the future of this office thank you. [grins] Better than sleeping through the deadline and we do have our editors for a good, good reason. She’s the best person in he office, well her and Carson. We love a good thoroughly but loving shame. [ laughs ] You’ve already earned it in my opinion, dude.

Actually yeah, Carson. Love her, cool girl, seems to cool for school but a great person. Anyway she and I are invading the A-List to learn what it’s like to be a couple.

[kanye-amir]

jazzy-jasmin‌:

Thank you. You know, kid, it is so nice to be appreciated around here for my creative and whimsical storytelling abilities. And puns. Any more of this and I’m gonna bump Noah’s name off the office door and replace it with yours. [ Winks ] Don’t worry about the big lug, he loves you too. Scratch everything I just said; I’m gonna replace my own name with “Wise One” instead. It’s gonna be awesome. Your dedication never seizes to amaze me. Aw, [ places a hand over her dramatic heart ] you know just what to say to warm a woman’s heart. Your hair’s got a strong chance of getting on this level, you just have to keeeep…complimenting me! Exactly, exactly. Oh it was definitely wild. I mean as a boss I totally have to disapprove outloud but as a fellow onlooker who’s bar brawled once or twice, it was iconic. You keep those PG-13 ears squeaky clean and you’ll have no problems in life, TBH. She’s both? Kidding. I’m kidding. I’m very aware of just how talented Carson is. But you do need all the luck and that EMT on standby if you’re hoping to make it outta this assignment with everything still attached. I apologize sincerely for underestimating both of those things. [ Laughs ] Yeah, there’s always one. Uh… It was my turn, at the time, to clear out the fridge and it just, lowkey, never happened. Anyways, c'mon. We’ve gotta hype you up for the big proposal.

I mean, what can I say. It’s not sucking up if it’s really the complete truth and who am I to deny you the truth of your excellence. But also, you bring creativity to the office all the time, and whew puns, no one compares. [ Laughs ] We don’t know, maybe Noah wants to spend a few weeks in the cubicles with the rest of us, get to know his team on a personal level. Or, that works too. I think you should sign your emails with “Wise One” while we’re at it. [ flips his non-existent long hair for extra drama ] I try. Also when I have long flowin locs, this office isn’t going to know what hit them... in a good way. Although I’d love to come in and all they’re jaws are on the floor with full confusion and shookethness, which intelligently speaking isn’t a word but for the sake of modern day really should be. My hair will be flowing in no time if I only have to keep complimenting you, that’s like the easiest thing. Let’s be honest though, don’t bosses also get the opportunity to just relax and enjoy their weird office family while getting out of their mind drunk? You guy’s need a break and I’m sure everyone was too out of it to report you to anyone. I will never miss it again though, I need to see these things for myself not hear them. Keeping them clean is my number one goal. I think it’s partly just a face and it is saying something that she hasn’t completely told me off yet. I mean if she wanted to she really could just rail on me, but I think she knows I’d just try harder and she has little to no chance of getting rid of me. Essentially, it’s partly her fault she’s stuck with me. [ Grins ] Hmm, yeah I’ll just lowkey pretend you planned to do that then. Right, right we do. I’m not ready for rejection sober.

[kanye-amir]

grumpycatcarson‌:

“Yeah, there’s different types of fancy. You want the ‘aesthetic’ of being the ultra-rich- an effortless, vapid one percenter- then you have to step it up a notch from just some suit and tie. Or dress and heels. You’re gonna be under the microscope of every prying, judgemental eye and if you want to make sure they choke on their shrimp puffs, then you have to be fancy fancy.” Carson paused, fighting the horrified look that wanted to creep onto her face as she explained all of…that. She’d always kept her childhood vague- her family and so forth and she didn’t want it spilling out now of all places. Shaking her head, she waved a dismissive hand. “Or so the fashion section of our beloved magazine would say. Anyways, you can sparkle if you want to. On the jacket only though. —A slit where?”

“So...plain black suit is now obviously out of the question. This sounds like we are going to need a lot of jewelry” He trailed off, glancing around. As Carson talked about choking on shrimp puffs and fancy fancy, he side eyed her. For a girl who seemed to not want to place herself in any situation calling for dealing with ‘vapid one percenter’s’, her words, he doubted they were all like that; she seemed to know a bit about them. He shrugged, maybe watching Gossip Girl or 90210 was her hidden past time and she wasn’t ready to admit it to them. He wasn’t going to push her about it, he was already clumsily skating on thin ice getting her here in the first place. “Right. What a good magazine worker you are, reading the fashion section,” he grinned. “What, no sparkly pants? How rude,” he joked. Was he allowed to ask her to get a dress with a slit? Then again he had already asked her to do a lot. “I mean I was just thinking one on the side of you leg, so you could do that like power pose with the leg thingy, but I mean if you’re not comfortable...” he trailed.

[kanye-amir]

teenagemutantninja-leo‌:

Thank you! I feel like it’s lowkey overlooked, you know? Like not enough people know that red velvet takes the best of chocolate and vanilla if you let it on the icing but it’s so much cooler. I’m not gonna judge or anything, I’m just here to open eyes. Oh, secret champagne. I like it even more. Is that something to do with his co-boss? I’ve heard that she’s the fun one in the family. Not that Noah isn’t a real life bop- remind me to tell you about him in college, man- but ya'know. I plant seeds, my guy. Awesome to meet you, Amir. You’ll have to fill me in on all the office goss so I don’t stick my foot in it on day one. Plus, feel free to snap me whenever. I’m here for you, Amir. We’re doing amazing.

It is! I gotta say ice cream cake is also lowkey overlooked, I’m not sure why we reserve it for just kids. I mean they don’t need the sugar, we do, let’s all be honest. It’s because they’re all boring. We’re in a world with mostly boring people, it’s a shame. We always need more people to open eyes. Right. Well, yes and probably the fact that part of the office has something short of a little drinking problem, so many people have secret, not so secret, stashes. Jaz? Yeah she’s amazing. They weirdly even each other out so I can’t imagine him in college. I wanna know all the stories. Awesome meeting you too! Of course, I’m not gonna let you get messy on your first day in. See, you sir are a king. I’m here for you too. This is like the ideal bro meet cute.

[kanye-amir]

grumpycatcarson‌:

Okay just be real with me right now, Amir. How fancy fancy do you wanna be here? “A-list couple” is pretty vague when you think about it. Do you want to do classic black tie or something more…bleugh…jazzy? Just so I know what I’m getting into sparkle-wise.

@kanye-amir

“Is it? Are there seriously different types of fancy? I just always thought that fancy was just... you know, Carr, fancy. Jazzy?  I want all the sparkle for you! I mean, I can’t wear sparkle, you’ll do it for me. Kidding. I do want you to shine though, you’ll already get the attention you deserve once you step into the room, but I want you to like get all the attention. Would you be up for a slit?”

[triprobellant-deactivated201709]

[grumpycatcarson-blog]

this is what i have for the carmir moodboard so far & it’s so funny gfehdj

[kanye-amir]

I’m in tears because this is so perfect and hilarious afWDDEW I’m excited to see!!