things i’ve heard college students say
(Question: Do you think Paul Ryan would be a good president?) Paul Ryan? A guy with two first names? Fuck no.
*first day of physics lab* “Does anyone have any interesting facts to share?” “If you go to Olive Garden and you order a block of cheese in your salad, they actually give you a block of cheese. They don’t shred it or anything.”
Yeet yeet it’s time to eat
I’m deciding whether to write my paper on nuclear physics or revenge porn.
I’ll punch myself in the face and get cancer so I don’t have to go to class tomorrow
“I have three unknowns in my equation.” “That’s a sad fact of life.”
Do you think i’ll die in intermediate swimming
What’s the most painful part about being a human cannonball? Is it that you have a lighter up your ass or the impact after launch?
“What are you majoring in?” “Mindfuckery.”
I’m going to recycle my test the moment I get it because I’d rather save the planet than force the professor to read this waste of a paper
Can the sky stop pissing for one second
“Our professor keeps saying he worked at Neiman Marcus but I don’t even know what it is. What the fuck is Neiman Marcus.”
“What was the best thing before sliced bread?” “…canned bread?”
go get your uber ride to hell
*at 12 am* I’m going to fail. You know what I’m doing about it? Eating a cheese stick.
We are free men in the night! And women! And free people, for those who are neither! And attack helicopters! And like furries, I guess
*while stirring soft serve in the dining hall* I have to mix it well. I cannot have oreo bits in my ice cream. That is chaos, and I do not invite chaos into my life.
I would like to crabwalk my way through my problems