looking at photos of myself 3 years and 20 pounds ago and feeling very weird about it. like sometimes these days I feel bad about myself and I miss being able to wear literally whatever I wanted.
but then I remember that that was seriously the ONLY “good” thing about being that thin.
my body was wrecked on the inside. I was riddled with anxiety, taking super heavy doses of medication that destroyed my appetite. I didn’t enjoy food. my hair was falling out. I had no energy. some days I would get home from class and just go to sleep because doing anything else was too exhausting. when I didn’t wear makeup my face looked pale and gaunt and it was so obvious how unhealthy I was.
I remember trying so hard to eat more and writing myself meal plans and crying because I felt like a failure when I couldn’t finish the day’s plan because food tasted like dust.
I look at pictures from then and I looked like shit, honestly. not saying people who are naturally that skinny look bad!!! but I am not meant to be that way. my body is not healthy at that low of a weight. sure, I looked great in clothes and with lots of makeup on, but underneath? I was so sick.
I may be 20 pounds heavier, I may feel self conscious or uncomfortable sometimes, but I have an appetite. I enjoy food sooo much and can truly appreciate it as one of the great joys in life. my hair is thick and healthy, you can’t see my ribs, my cheekbones aren’t protruding, I have energy to work on my feet all day. and mentally I’m better too, I have a mild anxiety attack maybe once every few weeks instead of multiple times a day.
I need to remember this the next time I feel bad about being softer than I used to be. who gives a shit. I’m healthy mentally and physically. that’s what matters.
stormborns
prguitarman
jacobvanloon
jbbartram-illu
kianamaiart
kaledo-art
