I donāt do this often but felt like writing a bit of personal post that ended up getting a little long. Itās nothing all that heavy (though there are some content warnings in the tags jic), just a handful of paragraphs and run on sentences about my Gender Situation for anyone who happens to be curious or might relate
Iāve been talking with a therapist recently about gender feelings n such, and Iām feeling pretty lucky that sheās been easier to talk to than previous counsellors, cos she hasnāt been trying to āhelp me find my labelā, she just listened while I contradicted myself over and over.
And afterwards I got thinking about how I kinda wanna take one of those tests that can determine if youāre intersex, and it feels weird to say and maybe this is kind of tokenising but Iāll be honest, there is a part of me thatās crossing my fingers and hoping that the theoretical results would say I am, almost purely because thereās something vindicating about the idea that itās impossible to make a correct assumption about my sex by looking at me from the outside. I think thereās also the fact that any and all labels when it comes to gender identity feel incomplete when I try to apply them to myself.
Not quite cis woman, not quite trans man, but nonbinary and agender and genderfluid donāt fit either. I know I donāt need a label and nor do I really want one, but it does get hard to feel like I should be in certain spaces when I canāt make up my mind.
In some ways I am cis. Thereās a part of my brain that lights up when it hears a phrase like āwomenās rightsā because those rights are my rights. Like Iām just a woman who has grown to hate the femininity thatās been imposed on me by society; who hates pink marketing and stereotypes and cisnormative expectations and the presumptions of strangers. Iām a firm believer that hormones would be an over-the-counter medication in an ideal world, and that both cis and trans people alike should be allowed to experiment and try presentations as fluidly as we may change clothing styles. I kinda just wanna wear masculinity same as a butch dyke does, like I wanna be a he/him woman with a beard.
But also it does feel like on the day that I was born, the midwives looked at me with my baby vulva, pointed at it, and said girl, because they did not know me, because I was too young to be known. Because Iām not what they presumed of me or what I was born as. I was a very feminine little girl for the first decade or so of my life but when those sex ed lessons started and I was told what my body was going to go through I felt such a sense of dread. Periods especially sounded god awful and I didnāt care that it meant fertility, I Did Not Want It. Decades of bleeding and pain and wacky emotions didnāt sound even remotely worth it for the prospect of having children, even when I was at an age where I thought I wanted them. And I expressed this to my mum and she said that it was okay, those feelings were normal, every girl hates their period. I expressed to her that I would trade it away if I could. I remember having multiple conversations where I said that I wanted a big bushy ginger beard to go with my long ginger hair, and that I wanted it to turn white as I got older so I could play Santa Claus to children one day. And she laughed and I laughed because we both thought I was joking.
I remember being 17 and saying I didnāt want kids and she said that was fine, I didnāt have to have kids if I didnāt want to, my body my choice n all that. But when I said I wanted a hysterectomy since I wouldnāt be using my uterus anyway, she again thought I was joking and just being hyperbolic, and when I said I was serious, that I wanted to get rid of it, she went straight to arguing against it. Itās a rash decision to make when you can just take birth control instead. It can mess with your hormone levels. There can be complications. And itās completely permanent. What if you change your mind someday. So I dropped it, figured she was right that the pain and mood swings were responsible for what I felt.
Itās annoying that she had to die before I could realise how serious I was. I donāt know how she would take it if I could have the opportunity to tell her today. She was an lgbt ally with gay friends who welcomed me wholeheartedly when I came out as bisexual. But she didnāt like it when I said I wanted tattoos, because again, even though it was my body my choice, it was still too permanent as far as she was concerned.
Iām well past puberty now and over halfway through my twenties and I want to change so many things about my body but also I donāt, I think I mostly want the social change, I want to be seen as masculine but also I still like being invited to the girlās nights, but also Iām my sisterās brother and I like being called dude, mate, and sir, as opposed to lady, love, and miss, but also you can call me a bitch and when I go pee the correct thing to say is go piss girl, and while Iām washing my hands I look at myself in the mirror with my kinda square-ish jawline and my lopsided smile I think to myself that Iām looking good today, but I canāt turn my head to side because if I do Iāll see how fat the underside of my chin is and feel bad about it, but do love my body, I donāt experience gender dysphoria, much, but I wish I could lose weight, but I donāt actually wanna lose weight, thatās just the fatphobia talking, what I actually want is muscle and strength and stamina, but man I hate working out, but maybe I only hate it because of P.E. class trauma, but also I deserve love for who I am right now, I donāt have to change if I donāt want to, and I genuinely do love my body, I love my big naturals, and my hips, and my clit and the way it makes me feel, but also I wanna go on T so fucking bad, I wanna be hairy and have a deep voice and a tdick and to cry less easily because boys donāt cry, so maybe thatās all I need, maybe I just get the right hormones and I can leave everything else as it is, but also oh my fucking god I wish I could just wear a button up that I can actually close over my chest, my binder helps but it doesnāt make me flat enough, you can still tell I have boobs when I wear it, and I wish these stupid meat sacks didnāt fucking breast so boobily every time Iām just walking down the fucking stairs, but also if I got of them I know Iād miss them and the way they are so squishy and warm and soft in my hands, so maybe just a breast reduction would be fine, but also I wish I could walk around topless without it being A Deal, and also I kinda do want bottom surgery too because in my fantasies I frequently imagine myself being the one thrusting into someone, I imagine them moving in response to me, even before Iād started questioning my gender I wanted to penetrate, I want to push myself into someoneās inviting body and I want to feel it, but also thinking about surgery kinda scares me, the idea of being put under and having no awareness or control while Iām being cut open unnerves me so much as well as the potential complications and rocky recoveries and what if I end up regretting it because jesus christ itās just so permanentā¦
so anyways FUCK the nhs waiting list amirite
FGDKDVVDIDNEBDBJEHWB
Ay You Know What, Thank You Tumblr User supergreatestdaddysealmountain
Thatās Just What I Needed To Hear šššššš
