In the same year that I wrote a book featuring an entire essay about the many-splendors of Diet Dr Pepper?
You’re welcome, Dr Pepper!
(About a year ago, marketing people at Dr Pepper requested a meeting with me because they were like, “We love your book so much, and we’re such big fans of you and we’d love to get your ideas,” and so I took the meeting, which I shouldn’t have but I really do love Dr Pepper.
And they were like, “What are your ideas?”
And I said, “First off, Dr Pepper should sponsor humanity’s relationship with the moon. Not the moon itself, but humanity’s understanding of it. And there should be podcast ads that are like, ‘The moon cannot create light but still finds ways to reflect it, which is a beautiful thought. Dr Pepper: Official sponsor of humanity’s relationship with the moon.’”
And they were like, “Uh, next?”
And I was like, “Also, Dr Pepper should acknowledge and celebrate its radical artificiality–the fact that it doesn’t attempt to taste like a real-world flavor as citrus sodas or colas do, but instead is a chemist’s attempt to create something explicitly and gloriously artificial.”
And they were like, “Uh, aren’t you going to ask us about becoming a paid spokesperson for Diet Dr Pepper?”
And I pretended to be interested but of course I was not, because who wants to shill for sugar water? Especially when I’m already happily employed as an unpaid beverage spokesperson.)
