I've been following you for months, fully convinced that you were the author of Paragon, Renegade, Pilot, and have only just now been made aware that this is not correct, and that you have fic I haven't seen, which is pretty exciting, not gonna lie.
Lol (affectionately)
@kauriart is the author of that one!
My fics aren't that rich in smut (all yearning, pining and the slowburn), but I hope you'll like it
đ To be fair, Paragon, Renegade, Pilot is heading full-steam into Shoker territory so Iâve been all up in @ale-tieâs blog because her Joker x Shep art is *chefâs kiss*.
Everyone agrees that Shepard is Gruntâs mum, but I maintain that Zaeed is his dad.
That old fucking merc has worked with hundreds of Krogan in his career. And he took one look at 400 lbs of new-born baby Krogan and went: âYes, I will teach this one.â And then is fucking de-lighted that he gets to introduce Grunt to his first⊠everything. His first gun. His first drink. (Youâre not gonna try that Ryncol shit until you have something good. Whisky with Angostura bitters. Now thatâs a drink worth killing for). His first bar fight (which Zaeed picks ON PURPOSE just so he can be there).
I fucking loose my mind thinking of Zaeed teaching Grunt about sex ed and how to tie his shoes, and like⊠basic life stuff.
Horny thoughts on Vorgoth
A night with Vorgoth is always a surprise.
Everyone knows Vorgoth's lower half is made of smoke and mystery. And yet, he can summon whatever eldritch dick he wants from the beyond for himself. But for some reason, it's never the same dick twice. Sometimes it's a single, thick tentacle. Sometimes it's many. Sometimes it's origin is recognizable, but often, it isn't. Once, it was glowing and covered in cursed runes. Another time, it was straight up a dick from an archdemon.
Even in the Necropolis, he's considered one of the wildest rides.
A NSFW Mass Effect fic | Joker/Kaidan/f!Shepard | Read it on AO3
Nothing changes, but everything shifts.
They hold hands in the dark, talk about Shepard in stilted starts and stops, meandering at the edges of Jokerâs guilt about her death, but never lingering. Kaidan staunchly refuses to assign Joker any blame in what happened in the skies above Alchera, and Joker doesnât know what to do with that. At all.
For Joker, Shepard is dead, and he killed her. The guilt and grief have fused together in his mind, and he doesnât even know how to look at just one part of it. But when Joker starts to spiral, Kaidan just holds him, and he forgets all the reasons he had for keeping everything bottled up in the first place.
Thereâs a gentleness between them, something soft and sweet that presses to the surface in a way it hadnât before. That desperate, brutal need that rises up between them is blunted, shifting into tender explorations that last all through the night. Hands become mouths. Becomes the lightning-bright, bitter spill of Kaidan across his tongue. Becomes the muffled sound of delight Kaidan makes when Joker spills himself in turn.
Kaidan doesnât leave Jokerâs apartmentâor put on clothesâfor three whole days.
And itâs the best three days of Jokerâs entire life.
Right now, Kaidan is in his kitchen, butt naked, rooting around in the cupboards for food, which requires much bending over while Joker, equally naked except for his hat, looks on as disrespectfully as possible and thinks that Kaidan Alenko probably has the worldâs most gorgeous taint.
âWeâre probably going to starve to death.â Kaidan sighs and stands back up. âI think we are down to crackers and this random sweet potato.â
âOne day,â Joker says, grinning. âI am going to run my tongue down the crack of your ass.â
Kaidan raises his brows and chucks the sweet potato over his shoulder. âFood can wait. Back to bed.â
Joker makes an incredibly undignified noise thatâs part laugh, part squawk as Kaidan sweeps him literally off his feet and barrels straight into the bedroom. Kaidan deposits Joker on the bed, on his back, and grabs him by the ankles, dragging him closer to the edge of the bed. He wrangles Joker into a pile-driver position, raising his legs up and over until heâs nearly curled into a ball with his ass in the air, and only his head and shoulders are against the bed. Kaidan scoots closer until heâs wedged tightly behind Joker, keeping his body braced, legs splayed, hips resting against Kaidanâs chest.
The position spreads Joker wide open, bringing his exposed hole nearly to Kaidanâs eye level. And Jokerâs brain instantly dissolves into a puddle of mush. For half a minute, he stares up at his own hard cock dangling down in his face and canât quite piece together whatâs happening.
And then Kaidan licks Jokerâs hole with one long stroke of his tongue. "Mmmh." The sound Kaidan makes is all delight and appreciative rumble.
Heat floods Jokerâs face, and the breath bursts out of him in some embarrassingly needy sound, but Kaidan just grins and does it again.
Joker manages a breath of startled laughter. âWhat? Wait, wait. This was my idea!â
âMe first,â Kaidan says firmly, and licks him again.
The last time someone did this for him, Joker was practically a teenager. A few exploratory swipes of a tongue, and it was over. Kaidan Alenko appears to have a very different approach to ass-eating. Much like any task assigned to him, heâs thorough, competent, and focused on getting the job done.
And, as usual, he seems to thoroughly enjoy everything he eats.
His tongue circles Jokerâs hole relentlessly, scuffing back and forth before jabbing teasingly at his rim. And it feels so fucking good that Joker wonders if itâs some sort of biotic trick. Maybe Kaidan is licking lightning and pure sensation directly into his hole because heâs never felt anything like this â an aching heat that keeps spiraling higher, and higher, and higher inside him.
He presses a hand over his own mouth, but can't quite hold back the noises heâs making. One of his legs starts to shake.
âLike that?â Kaidan asks, pausing to grin smugly like Jokerâs dick isnât right there and so hard itâs about to snap off. âYou want to come, donât you?â
âYep,â Joker says, laughing weakly. âSo bad.â Of course, if he comes like this, heâs just gonna nut in his own damn face. Which, given the situation, would be a great problem to have.
âMmmn.â Kaidan makes a growly sound of appreciation and starts to eat him out in earnest, mouth in constant motion, kissing and sucking, all that steady building heat shot through with flashes of near-electric sharpness as Kaidan tries to spear him on his tongue.
Joker moans, tries to slip a hand between his spread thighs, but Kaidan grunts and grabs Jokerâs cock himself, which is super awesome until he doesnât jack him off. He just keeps that big, calloused hand around him perfectly. fucking. still.
Joker makes a series of noises wedged between frustration and despairing laughter. He can see the tip of his cock is between Kaidanâs fingers, slick with precome, and tries to fuck himself into Kaidanâs hand, which isnât really possible given the position and his overall lack of leverage.
Heâs not used to this at all. That heat and needy tension all coiled up inside him. Usually, if he gets at all close to feeling like this, heâs already comingâblowing his load the very instant he wants to, at the mere whisper of warmth. But now itâs like heâs been thrown into a fire and all he can do is struggle and squirm as the heat blazes through him, unquenched, while Kaidan cheerfully eats the absolute bejesus out of his ass.
"Nnnf," Joker moans as a slick of precome drips from his cock. Most of it catches on Kaidanâs fingers, but a few droplets fall against Jokerâs cheekbones, hot and slick.
He struggles for a moment, and his cock shifts in Kaidan's grip, a little. An extra tiny layer of sensation. Arousal eclipses everything, hot and sharp and fuck, heâs not sure how much more of this he can take.
He makes a broken sound. âWait, wait. Fuck⊠wait.â
Kaidan pauses, which is the absolute opposite of what he should be doing.
âNo, donât stop. Itâs⊠good, Kaidan. So good, my God,â Joker pants. âItâs justâŠâ He moans and shifts his hips, trying to coax Kaidanâs mouth back on him. âI donât⊠I donât think I can come from just this. I needâŠÂ something. I need you. Kaidan, please...â
Kaidan makes a breathless sound. âIâm not used to hearing you beg.â
âUsually⊠usually I can come in like nine and a half secondsâŠâ Joker pants. âKinda miss thatâŠâ
âYeah?â Kaidan swirls his thumb around Jokerâs hole with a tantalizing pressure, but doesnât press inside. âI didnât realize it would be so hot, seeing you like thisâŠâ He leans forward a little, tongue returning to its primary post halfway up his ass.
Joker moans helplessly, tries to shift his hips, seeking more, seeking friction, seeking something. His hole feels hot and over-sensitive and plain empty. Kaidan hasnât even put so much as the tip of a single finger up inside him since they started this, which is wild.
The past three days, while very tender, have also been intensely sexual. Each day, Kaidan has spent longer and longer fingering him, often not stopping even after Joker comes. Sometimes he keeps pumping his fingers in and out of Jokerâs spasming hole until he can't take the over-stimulation. Sometimes he just keeps his fingers in place, still, but there, and Joker has to sit with that aching, relentless fullness.
And right now, Joker is so very not full.
He bites his lip. âKaidanâŠÂ please, please. I need you. Just â fuck.â
Kaidan licks his way across Joketâs taint and presses a sucking kiss directly against his hole before looking up, expression difficult to read. âIâm trying so hard not to justââ Both of Kaidanâs hands tighten reflexively, the one on his ass and the one on his cock, and Joker moans brokenly under his breath.
Kaidan rears up to his knees so abruptly Joker nearly topples over. The move brings their hips in alignment, and the base of Kaidanâs hard cock rests against Jokerâs hole, just fucking there. He looks up, meeting Jokerâs eye.
Joker stills, breath catching.
âI want to be very clear what I mean by that,â Kaidan says, voice low and husky. âAnd what I want is to fuck you properly, Joker.â His hands hold Joker steady as he thrusts his hips in demonstration, cock sliding pointedly across Jokerâs hole and up over his balls. âNo fingers. No tongue. Just my cock, in you.â
â'Kay,â Joker manages.
Kaidan thrusts again, dragging the head of his cock back and forth over Jokerâs opening. Then he stills with a groan and pulls them both down on the bed, so theyâre lying flat together, tucked against each other's side. And Joker has a sharp moment of panic that Kaidan had changed his mind, before he takes hold of himself, maneuvering his cock between Jokerâs legs, holding it there, all hardness and heat, even if he doesnât press forward.
âIâŠâ Kaidan frowns and tucks his forehead against Jokerâs shoulder. âBiotics⊠We donât have a reputation for gentleness. I donât. Not when I lose control.â
Ah.
In his fantasies, Kaidan just plowed him straight into the mattress for hours on end. Super hot, but maybe not super reflective of the reality of living with Vrolikâs Syndrome. And he knows Kaidan still has nightmares about the weeks trapped on Alchera, and Joker was in pieces, his hips quite literally cracked in half.
âI refuse to hurt you,â Kaidan whispers, running fingers up and down Jokerâs spine. âI wonât. Doesnât matter how much I want this â how long Iâve wanted this.â
Joker would bet a mountain of credits that heâs wanted it for longer. Heâd started fantasizing about getting dicked down by Kaidan all of ten seconds after meeting him.
The Normandy had been dry-docked at the Citadel and awaiting her first wave of crew. Joker had read through the posting, but hadnât recognized any incoming crew except for Karin Chakwas, whom he was convinced had just signed on to babysit him. Joker had been in his dedicated bunk in the senior officers' shared quarters when Kaidan Alenko had walked in, all broad shoulders and huge biceps, a duffel bag slung under his arm.
âAny of these free?â heâd asked, gesturing at the bunks.
âTake your pick,â Joker had said, panicking on the inside because he already had the hots for his Commanding Officer, and it seemed very uncool of the Alliance to staff the ship full of crew this insanely bangable.
âGreat,â Kaidan had cracked a stupidly handsome smile and slung his bag on the bunk above Jokerâs. âIâll be on top.â
And then theyâd shaken hands in introduction while Joker had a private, horny meltdown about it all.
Nothing has changed much from that day until this, except that right now theyâre lying naked in bed together and the head of Kaidanâs cock is notched tightly against his ass.
And Joker is having a private, horny meltdown.
(Still.)
(Always.)
And Kaidan is having an existential meltdown that he might accidentally fuck Joker to death.
(Which, truth be told, would not be the worst way to go.)
âIâm not gonna break,â Joker says. âOr, I might, but I promise Iâm not gonna be mad about it.â
âI refuse to hurt you,â Kaidan says again, butting his head into Jokerâs shoulder.
Joker can hear the stubbornness in his voice start to settle into place, but his cock is still rock hard, and he hasnât moved it away from between Jokerâs asscheeks. So. Hope.
âOkay, okay. I donât want to be hurt either,â he says, threading his fingers around the hand Kaidan has slung across his chest. âBut I know how to live around this disease. I mean. You canât take me ice skating, or anything, but we can have this. Together. JustâWe can go slow, and Iâll tell you if anything hurts, and then... You can stop.â
Kaidan drags the head of his cock over Jokerâs hole again. âWe can go slow,â he mutters almost to himself and scuffs a series of kisses against Jokerâs shoulder blade. âI can do slow.â
âJust not too slow, maybe. I still really, really, really wanna come,â Joker laughs weakly.
âYeah?â He can feel Kaidan smile against his shoulder, feels him press a kiss to the side of Jokerâs neck before he disentangles himself, and stands up. âDonât move,â Kaidan says and dashes out of the bedroom, leaving Joker flat on the bed, cock pointing to the sky, and reappearing a minute later with the huge bottle of lube Joker keeps in his fridge.
He pours some into his hand and slicks up and down the full length of his cock, hissing a little at the chill. Itâs a little mesmerizing watching Kaidan prepare himself. It makes a deep bloom of want unfurl in Joker that goes beyond the solid need to come. This is some ache that sits at his core, lingering beneath every breath, every heartbeat. A want so huge he can't put his arms around it, or even see the edges.
Kaidan drips more oil into his hand and sets the bottle on the nightstand before sitting at the edge of the bed and gesturing towards Joker. âCome here.â
Joker takes an unsteady breath as he slides off the bed and moves closer, straddling Kaidanâs lap so their cocks are pressed together.
âReady?â Kaidan asks.
âLike you wouldnât believe,â Joker says.
Kaidan slips a hand beneath Jokerâs hips, painting the cold lubricant over his hole with his fingers, before slipping first one, and then another inside, pumping gently. Joker moans at the stretch and hot-cold slide of it. Itâs intense, and the promise of more â more length, more thickness â leaves him breathless. Kaidan cups Jokerâs buttocks and raises him up, lifting until his ass hovers above Kaidanâs cock.
Joker gasps as Kaidanâs cock notches into place, perfectly on target. He feels almost dizzy.
This is it.
Kaidan kisses slowly up Jokerâs neck, along his jaw, and across to his mouth. And Joker gasps again as he feels Kaidan lowering him slowly down. Resistance. Pressure. And then the head of Kaidanâs cock pops through his ring of muscle, almost all at once.
He's vaguely aware that his breathing is noisy and ragged.
âEasy,â Kaidan murmurs between kisses. âEasy, easy.â He lowers Joker slowly onto his cock, swallowing each and every one of the broken sounds he makes.
Kaidan's cock feels a lot bigger than it looks, and it looks plenty big. Joker tries to relax, tries not to tighten up or clench as he sinks down on it, but he isnât used to the sensation of being stretched open and cored out millimeter by millimeter.
Then suddenly the head of Kaidanâs cock scuffs forcefully against Joker's prostate, and he shudders, crying out. The need to come coalesces into a single point of bright sensation, and the balance of too much/not enough leans sharply, abruptly leftwards.
âK-Kaidan!â He struggles for a moment and slips down faster, taking a few inches all at once.
Kaidan groans raggedly and grabs his ass to better control his descent. âAlmost there,â he husks. âAlmost thereâŠâ
Joker presses his forehead against Kaidanâs, breathing hard. Theyâve passed the point of that relentless grinding into his prostate, and itâsânot easier, but less impossible.
âIâm almost⊠Almost all the way inâŠâ Kaidan says, voice low.
Joker nods, so brimful he feels like heâs going to burst because there simply isnât space inside him for more âphysically or emotionally.
âThere,â Kaidan breathes against his cheek.
The instant heâs fully seated, something unlocks in Joker, and that ball of heat and tension bursts out of him. The sensation is less like something building up inside him and more like falling from a high placeâthe liminal space of free-fall before abruptly shattering apart on impact. Joker makes a helpless sound, coming violently, back arching, ass clamping down hard. Feeling blown apart and anchored in place all at once.
âF-fuck, JokerâŠâ
He collapses against Kaidanâs chest, arms shaking, legs shaking, mind scattered into pieces. He didnât even register spilling across Kaidanâs belly and chest, but he can feel the slickness of his spend between them.
Kaidan holds him steady, hands rubbing up and down his spine, mouthing breathlessly at Jokerâs collarbones like heâs the one whoâs overwhelmed. Muttering broken things like hot, and tight, and so fucking good, and Joker nearly spirals apart again.
And then Kaidan starts to move, and Joker just shivers through the over-sensitivity, gasping, hanging on for dear life.
After several minutes, the aftermath of arousal thins, and Joker can feel everything he couldn't previously process. The thickness of Kaidanâs cock, driving deeper than his fingers had ever reached. The way Kaidan keeps his hips still, dragging Jokerâs whole body up and down his length with the strength of his arms. The broken noises Kaidan makes between kissesâa tender counterpoint to the way his gut feels pretty churned up by it all.
âIâm gonna come in you soon,â Kaidan promises.
And Joker chuckles weakly, thinking that if he hadnât just come, those words alone would have made him blow, for sure.
All at once, Kaidan stands and flips them, laying Joker carefully on the bed, managing to keep their hips together, and himself, inside. He takes a minute to reposition them, ensuring that Jokerâs bent legs are supported before reaching over to the bottle of lube. He pulls halfway out and drips a generous amount of the still-cold lubricant directly onto his cock before pressing in again.
Kaidan runs a hand up and down Jokerâs flank. âYou have no idea how good you feel,â he groans quietly, and starts to move his hips, thrusting in and out in tiny motions.
Joker moans, back arching. The angle is different. It feels deeper, and thereâs more pressure at the base of his balls from the way Kaidan grinds into him at the back of every thrust. He starts slow, but little by little, the pace of Kaidanâs hips picks up until heâs surging back and forth, cock sliding nearly all of the way out before driving in again. Joker fists up a handful of the bedsheets, breathing hard.
And then Kaidan slips a hand between them and takes hold of Jokerâs cock, squeezing firmly. Joker's still floating in that post-orgasmic haze, cock only half hard, but Kaidan doesnât seem to mind at all, just starts jacking him off with sleek, purposeful movements.
Jokerâs skin is tacky with drying come, and the friction is over-bright for how recently heâs come. His hands fly to Kaidanâs hips, pushing back against them as Kaidan thrusts into him.
âIâll be gentle, Iâll be gentle,â Kaidan pants brokenly, but itâs not his hips Jokerâs worried about. Kaidanâs grip on his cock is like a vice, and all he can do is whine brokenly as Kaidan strokes him, a bolt of sensation just out of sync with the cock sliding in and out of his ass.
âJokerâŠÂ GodâŠÂ the way youâre clenching down on meâŠâ Kaidan husks, scrubbing his thumb over the tip of Joker's cock before returning to that firm, base-to-tip slide of his hand. âI want⊠I want you to come before I do.â
Joker makes a noise wedged between a groan and helpless laughter. Kaidan almost never makes him come so close in succession. He arches, overstimulated as Kaidanâs hand pumps, and pumps, and doesnât stop or even slow, hurrying him to the edge of a precipice he wasnât ready for.
He moans Kaidanâs name over and over until the litany of it stoppers up in his throat as he comes again, harder and longer than before, spilling liquid heat into Kaidanâs hand. Sensation pings from his cock to his ass and back again, in rapid succession, like lightning strikes of pleasure so intense theyâre nearly edged with pain. Heâs never come this hard before, and wonders if itâs the biotics after all, and if Kaidanâs cock is lit up inside him, all day-glow blue and wreathed in biotic energy.
Then Kaidan makes a sound so guttural for a moment Joker worries heâs been gut-shot. He shudders, one hand braced against the bed to keep from collapsing, and thrusts home one final time. Joker can feel Kaidanâs cock pulsing inside him as he comes, the thick heat of it filling him up and spilling over. And everything, everything is messy and raw and over-bright.
The world stills.
Neither of them moves, save for breathing heavily. The front of Kaidanâs chest is slick with sweat, and a fall of dark waves spirals down across his brow. Joker wants so badly to reach up and brush his hair back into place with his fingertips, but he doesnât want to disturb the moment. Wants to live in this heartbeat of time, forever.
Kaidan blinks. âJoker⊠are you⊠HowâŠ?â He frowns, shakes his head as if trying to clear it. He looks dazed and still heavy with that full-body repletion found at the end of a life-altering orgasm. He moves his hand away from Joker's cock.
Joker smiles and runs his hand over Kaidanâs hips. âStill not back yet, huh?â
âNot really.â
âMe neither.
âJoker, that wasâŠâ Kaidan takes a breath and shakes his head again, this time like he canât find the right words. He looks down at Joker like he wants to touch him, but neither of his hands are free to do so. âHow are you feeling?â
âLike thereâs a giant dick in my ass. So⊠pretty perfect. You?â
Kaidan chuckles. âYeah. Perfect is a good word for it.â
A quiet happiness blooms in Jokerâs chest. He reaches up with a smile. âKiss me?â
Kaidan leans down, keeping his weight braced on his elbows, the shape of his smile against Jokerâs lips. âAlways.â
***
Joker knows that Kaidan has been putting off reporting to Alliance HQ. And even though Kaidanâs lack of an official posting allows him some additional flexibility, Joker also knows that the Alliance wants their officers visible to the rank-and-file; working out, running simulations, or at target practiceâbasically showing off the skills that got them promoted in the first place. So heâs not surprised when he finds Kaidan getting dressed the next morning.
âI have to,â Kaidan sighs, by way of explanation.
Joker grins. âI donât mind. Iâd just kinda forgotten how hot you look with clothes on.â
Kaidan smirks a little and leans in to kiss him goodbye. âIâll make dinner tonight.â
âYou make dinner every night.â He says and feels a perfect bubble of happiness rise up inside him. âIâll get some groceries delivered. Yes, delivered. Itâs not a crime,â he laughs and makes a shooing motion at Kaidan. âBesides, what if my arms snap off from the weight of all the Canadian stuff Iâm going to buy you. What then? Canada will be so disappointed in you.â
Kaidan tries to shoot Joker a look of annoyed disapproval, but the smile ruins it, and he ends up just looking like a doofus.
A handsome doofus.
Alone in his apartment, Joker replays their night together over and over and over in his mind. Every kiss. Every caress. Every inch of that magnificent cock drilling into him.
Joker has seen pornâlike, a lot of porn, my god, so damn muchâeven if his personal experiences are thin on the ground. Heâs had a couple of truly awesome weekends, but this is already his longest and most serious whatever-the-hell it is. Certainly, the most sex filled. He knows Kaidan didnât really fuck him that hard, even in the moments where it kinda felt like he did, he was restrained. It's just that Kaidanâs dick can be rightly classified as a heavy-class weapon.
Joker rolls over and presses his face into the pillow, overwhelmed and overheated by the mere memory. He likes the way his ass still feels cored out and sore in a way it never does in the mornings after Kaidan just fingers him.
âGoddamnit,â Joker swears breathlessly, unable to stop the way his face grows hot with embarrassment, and his dick gets hard, remembering. He rolls onto his back, breathing hard, refusing to jerk himself off because thereâs probably a limit to how many orgasms a person can have in a 72-hour period before they straight up die, and thatâs not what he wants Kaidan to come home to.
Instead, he showers, takes his meds, and trims his beard neatly down to regulation length. Then he flits restlessly around the apartment and thinks about visiting Dr Chakwas, but decides against it in favor of doing laundry because even though he and Kaidan havenât been wearing many clothes, theyâve gone through all the bedding and every towel in the place, and maybe Kaidan doesnât want to spend the day out and then come home to the smell of sweat and spunk.
(But if he does, Joker knows a way to quickly restore the apartment to its former glory.)
The groceries delivered in the afternoon include a small bouquet of tiny blue and purple wild flowers. Theyâre from a planet Jokerâs never heard of in the Faia system. There's no discernible scent, but the fragile blossoms are gorgeous in the light of his holoscreen windows, even if he has to stick them in an empty beer bottle since he doesn't own a vase.
He tries not to think of them as thank-you-for-the-great-sex flowers, but they're not not that either.
The flowers are stupid and sentimental ââ Joker is stupid and sentimental ââ but he smiles whenever he sees them perched on the counter.
And he feels⊠peaceful. As though the smell of smoke is finally, finally, finally clearing from his head.
***
Itâs bad news.
Joker can always tell when itâs fucking bad news.
Something about the line of Kaidanâs shoulders when he walks through the door that evening, and the slow, deliberate way he takes off his boots, has Joker bracing himself for the worst.
âWhat is it?â he asks.
Kaidan hesitates, and the worry in his gut spikes tenfold.
âTell me,â he insists.
Kaidan frowns and takes a deep breath. âJoker⊠My reassignment has been processed. Iâm shipping out in a week.â
Just wanted to drop you a line to say how much I love and appreciate your Shep/Kaidan/Joker story. It's so good, in so many different ways. Thank you for sharing it with us.
*wriggles happily* This is the nicest little note! <3
A NSFW Mass Effect fic | Joker/Kaidan/f!Shepard | Read it on AO3
"Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Marines,â the security system intones a moment before thereâs a muffled knock on the door.
Joker glances at his datapad automatically, to make sure he hadnât missed a ping from Kaidan. Itâsââ he hadnât expected to reach the stage of their relationship where they can show up on each otherâs doorstep unannounced, because Kaidan is nothing if not straightforward. He'd set the boundaries, and this isnât even a relationship; itâs just coping. And two people who cope together arenât supposed to do this sort of thing.
Are they?
"Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, Alliance Marines." The security system pings again even as Joker deactivates the lock, and the door slides open, letting in a spill of light and one very agitated marine.
âHeyââ
âI feel like Iâm going crazy,â Kaidan grits out as he barrels into the apartment, eyes wild and bloodshot. âI keepâ They put up a holo of Shepard right outside of my apartment. Big as the whole damn building. And itâs⊠itâsââ He turns into Jokerâs arms, like he wants to collapse but doesnât. He keeps his own weight braced away from Joker, though he rests his cheek against the crook of Jokerâs neck.
And Joker isnât surprised. The Alliance doesnât waste anything that might be useful, not money or men or opportunities, and certainly not the memories of dead heroes.
And Shepard is the biggest goddamn dead hero in the galaxy.
But Kaidan is close to tears. He runs both hands through his hair. "I just⊠I have to hold onto her. The way⊠the way she is. Was. I donâtâ Itâs all slipping away.â He makes a terrible, wounded noise and begins to sob brokenly.
âHey,â Joker says softly. âHey, hey, come here.â He pulls Kaidanâs shaking frame against him, automatically tucking Kaidanâs head beneath his chin, and holds on.
âItâs wrong. Sheâs wrong. Itâs not her,â Kaidanâs voice is muffled and threaded with anguish. âI donât know where they got that picture, but it doesnât even look like her. Her hair is short, and Iâve never seen her smile like that, andâ And if I keep seeing her like that, Iâm going to forget what she was really like and just remember Shepard the recruitment poster.â He says that last bit in a rush, voice thick.
Oh.
Oh, of course.
Joker pulls him into an even tighter embrace. âYou know thatâs not possible, right? You couldnât forget Shepard even if you tried.â He makes soothing noises in the back of his throat and runs his hands across Kaidanâs shaking shoulders. âBut she dedicated her life to the Alliance, top to bottom, you know? Savior of the Citadel. First human Spectre. She knew thisâŠâ Joker gestures vaguely to the recruitment poster lurking somewhere beyond the walls of the apartment, âwas part of the gig.â
He runs his hands along Kaidanâs spine in long, smooth strokes. âIâm just surprised they managed to get her to hold still long enough to take a photo. Probably had a pistol trained on her or something. Probably like five pistols. And a Krogen warlord.â
Kaidan doesnât laugh, but the wet snuffling sounds diminish for a moment.
âBut thatâ that posterâ that's how the world knows her, right? Badass. Heroic. I mean⊠theyâre not wrong, just maybe⊠incomplete. The Shepard I knew wasâŠâ Joker shakes his head, grappling with the impossibility of mere descriptions. âAlarming. I mean, on every level. Iâve seen vids of her in action. Aggressive falls short. She was probably an absolute monster in a bar fight. She was a terror on the dance floor, for sure.â he smiles a little, despite himself.
The day theyâd made Shepard a Spectre, she downloaded about a zillobyte of classified data, painted an N7 stripe on her new spectre-class armor, and went right back to kicking all the asses the Council could point her towardsâ and several they told her explicitly to stay away from. She shrugged off anxieties that would have pulverized lesser men, all with a quiet self-assurance large enough to have its own gravitational pull.
Joker wasnât the only one who fell headfirst into it.
âBut she was soft, in her own way,â Joker says haltingly. âSoft-hearted. Hard-edged about it, sure. But she wanted to scoop the whole world into her pocket and keep everyone safe, and when she couldnâtâŠâ Joker shrugs, remembering Shepardâs all-consuming grief for Ashley and the wreck sheâd made of her quarters. âShe wouldnât pull punches for anyone, not even herself. She just⊠did everything with her whole heart, all the time.â
His hands trail up and down Kaidanâs back, absently. âSheâs got this⊠intensity she brings to everything she does thatâs sort of brimful of chaos. Wild. Dazzling. Like the stars. Thatâs⊠Maybe thatâs why,â he smiles, lips brushing Kaidan's shoulder. âShe reminds me of the stars.â
A beat of silence, and Kaidan raises his head and just looks at Joker, brown eyes wet and serious.
âWhat?â
âYouâre in love with Shepard,â Kaidan breathes.
Oh shit.
Kaidan shakes his head, pulling away. âI canât⊠I canât believe I didnât see it.â
âEveryone was in love with Shepard,â Joker says, trying to force a smile, trying to shrug away the sudden swell of panic. âGarrus practically begged the Turian hierarchy to build a statue of her on Palaavan. And Wrexââ
âJoker.â
Double shit.
Joker looks at Kaidan helplessly. His hands clench and unclench uselessly at his sides. He should just say no. He should just deny it. âIâŠâ
Damnit, it should not be this hard to lie.
The moment stretches out between them, raw and awful and silent.
Say something.
Say something.
âI am,â Joker breathes raggedly. And then he takes a half-step back because fuck, not that. Say anything but that.
But Kaidanâs just staring at him, eyes wide and⊠and something.
The first tear that falls down Jokerâs cheek is a shock. Joker scrubs it away, but a second and third one follow. He turns away from Kaidan and jams his fists against his eyes, but more tears leak through. A flood of them, too many to count. He makes a tiny, broken sound. Several, in fact.
Kaidan reaches for him, but Joker moves away. He doesnât have the right to break down like this, not over his own stupid feelings, not when Kaidan is the one who needs him. But Joker feels a wave of grief and guilt rise up, taking out his legs like a fast-moving current.
âI didnâtââ Joker chokes out. âI wasnât going toâ Nobody had to know!â
Shouting. Why is he shouting?
âShe had you. She was happy. You were happy. Everything was fine. I didnât need anything to change! I never wanted to ruin it! I never wantedâââ
âNo! You donât know. You have no idea.â Joker feels this random swell of anger rise up as Kaidan tries to touch his shoulder again. At himself. At Shepard. At Kaidan, too. Because itâs not fucking fair.
All his life, Joker has thought of himself as even-tempered. You have to be, when you're packing a literal warship. Anger was always a thing separate from himself. Irritation, sure. But anger? Rage? No. Not for him.
Now it swamps him, a bright, brittle thing that sits like a thermal core in his chest. He shoves Kaidan away, hard. Hard enough that he feels a twinge in his wrists. Stupid. But he barrels forward and shoves Kaidan again.
âJoker,â Kaidan takes a step back, eyes wide, hands up in a pantomime of surrender. âIâm not upset at you.â
âYou should be.â Joker shakes his head, feeling sick. âYou should hate me.â
âNo,â Kaidan says, voice firm. âI could neverââ
âI killed Shepard,â Joker hisses through his teeth before his breath falters completely away.
Heâs said it to himself a thousand times, but heâs never said it out loud before. Itâs worse out loud, though it changes nothing. Shepard is still dead, and itâs still Jokerâs fault.
The look on Kaidanâs face is too awful to bear.
Joker covers his face with his hands for a moment, taking in long, unsteady drags of air. He wants to retreat â pull the ship around hard and just disappear into the vastness of space â but he has to face what heâs done. He has to. He lowers his hands. âJust tell me you hate me, already. Please. I-I just want to get it over with. I can send you your stuff⊠money maybe, for the groceries you bought. Maybe that new pan too. And then you never have to see me again, andââ
Kaidanâs hand presses over his mouth, briefly for a moment, and then again, more deliberately. He looks so upset. Joker hasnât seen him this upset since the funeral. âStop. Just stop, okay.â
Joker blinks, and tears spill from beneath his lashes. God, heâs such a coward. He can feel his legs shaking.
âJesus, I canât think this quickly. I have toââ Kaidan grabs Joker by the shirtfront and pulls him into his arms.
The air rushes out of Joker in little broken hiccups. He has to lock his arms at his sides to keep from hugging Kaidan back, but he canât stop himself from leaning into Kaidanâs chest, because it feels like heâs trying to claw back together the pieces of a ship that has already splintered apart, and he doesnât know how to survive that. Not again. Not without Kaidan.
âJust hold on, okay? I need to think,â Kaidan grits out.
ââKay,â Joker doesnât know if he means figuratively or literally, but one arm raises and curls around Kaidanâs broad back for a moment. At least he means for it to be for a moment, but his fingers dig in, and he canât manage to let go.
Heâd imagined this moment unfolding so many times. He had expected Kaidan to throw things, or storm out dramatically, or at least yell at him for admitting he was instrumental in Shepardâs death. He never imagined that Kaidan would hug him.
A tiny, defeated, heartbroken sound escapes him, and he presses his face against Kaidanâs shoulder so another doesnât slip free.'
âDamnit, Joker,â Kaidanâs breathing is fast and a little uneven. He sounds a bit like heâs panicking. âOkay, okay. You didnât kill Shepard. Why would you say something like that? Why would you do that to yourself?â
âBecause itâs true,â Joker mumbles into his shoulder. âIf I werenât being such a stupid fucking idiot, sheâd still be alive today.â
âStop. it.â Kaidan looks angry. Joker realizes abruptly how rarely Kaidan is honest to God angry. His eyes flare blue for an instant, which is not a thing human biotics are supposed to be able to do. However high the Alliance has rated his biotics, it probably isnât high enough.
Kaidan skims fingertips across the base of his skull, where his implant is, and huffs. âI need to walk it off for a minute. Iâm notâ I need to think.â
Joker nods as Kaidan pulls back.
He doesnât leave the apartment, or even the room; he just paces back and forth in the tiny space like heâs determined to wear a hole through the floor. Joker watches him pace and think and pace and think, like heâs trying to work his way out of a puzzle. In hindsight, mid-panic attack was probably the worst time to introduce two of Jokerâs biggest secrets to the mix. But he hadnât expected Kaidan to see through him so clearly.
Heâd always intended to tell Kaidan that he was in love with Shepard. Eventually. Probably. Not that it mattered much. It was in the past, and Shepard was dead andâŠ
And Joker killed her.
âFuck,â Joker buries his face in his hands.
âThe Collectors killed Shepard,â Kaidan hisses, pausing mid-stride. âYou had nothing to do with it.â
âNo,â Joker wipes at his eyes and looks at Kaidan, shoving his hands in his pockets so he doesnât fidget. He wants to say the words that will wipe that anxious, heartbroken look off his face. But he canât just absolve himself and keep pretending. âShe died because I didâŠÂ everything wrong that day. I didnât see the Collectors coming. I didnât evade their attack. I didnât save the Normandy. I didnât evacuate when I was supposed to. I didnât⊠Kaidan, I fought her when she came to get me. I made it harder to get to the escape pod, and I wasted so much time that sheââ
Iâm sorry.
Red and blue fire.
The sound of the escape pod door sliding shut.
Shepard burned, or got spaced, or suffocated, or bled out. And he did that to her.
Joker takes a shaky breath. âI should have just made herââ
âYou couldnât have made Shepard do anything,â Kaidan interrupts, glaring. âI know that better than anyone.â
A single tear rolls down Jokerâs cheek and drops to the floor.
âYou donât think I feel guilty about Shepard? I do. When Shepard ordered me to the escape pods to lead the evacuation, I knew⊠a part of me knew she wasnât leaving the ship. But she ordered me off and Iââ Kaidan slams his fist against the countertop, a frustrated bow that would have broken Jokerâs hand if heâd tried something like that. âI follow her lead, Joker. You donâtâ You canât do anything else in combat. Itâs more than training, itâs in my bones. But I still dream of throwing her over my shoulder and getting her the hell off that ship. Every night Iââ Kaidan takes a ragged breath, voice faltering. He presses a shaking hand against his mouth. âEvery night.â
Joker closes his eyes. Sometimes knowing a thing doesnât help at all. He knew the Normandy was doomed from that first salvo. He knew it was hopeless even before he looked at the feeds; he could feel it â in his hands, in his heart.
It didnât stop him from trying to save the ship.
âBut⊠That day⊠on the NormandyâŠâ Kaidan takes a deep breath, expression troubled. âWhat if I told you that I knew Shepard was heading for you?â
Joker blinks. âThen you should have stopped her. If it were me or her, it should have been her. Tell me you know that.â
Kaidan clenches his jaw. Won't meet Joker's eyes. âYouâre not going to get me to agree with you on this,â he says quietly.
âItâs notâ Look. After Alchera, Shepard would have gone on, and been this badass Spectre, and gotten the Alliance to stop pretending that the Reapers arenât out there, and then she would have kicked their asses. And you and Shepardââ Joker takes a breath, and shakes his head helplessly. âHappily ever after.â
Kaidan stops pacing and leans against the countertop, and just stares at Joker. He looks exhausted. Thereâs a wet patch on his shoulder from where Joker cried all over him.
âBut me?â Jokerâs smile is bitter. âI havenât done a goddamn thing since the Normandy blew up. Not one. useful. thing.â
âYou kept me together,â Kaidan says quietly, seriously. He takes a step forward, reaching for Jokerâs hand. âMore than that. Joker, I... Iâm inââ
âYouâre missing the point!â Joker says, voice rising sharply. âI shouldnât have needed to! Shepard is a fucking legend! Iâm a pilot who canât fly! So look me in the eye and tell me the world needed me more. That you needed me more!â He takes another step forward so he can glare at Kaidan point-blank. âSo yeah, that little part of you that knew Shepard was coming for me? Fuck that part.â
âThatâs it,â Kaidan mutters under his breath. âWeâre done.â
The impact of those two little words hits like a bullet to the belly; full body shock and a flood of pain from a mortal wounding. But before he can say anything more, Kaidan scoops him up and slings him bodily over one shoulder, and turns towards the back of the apartment.
Joker makes a surprised sound, almost like a laugh, but itâs too manic at the edges. He doesnât struggle even though his ass is in the air and his head is dangling down Kaidanâs back, because he doesnât want to fall and break a hip. He crumples a handful of Kaidanâs shirt and holds on as Kaidan carries him into the bedroom.
Kaidan lays him down on the bed, hand cradled beneath Jokerâs skull, before climbing on and pinning him down with his own body weight. He presses his face into the crook of Jokerâs neck and takes a deep breath.
The position is so reminiscent of all the coping theyâve been doing that Jokerâs dick starts to harden almost by sheer Pavlovian reflex.
Stupid dick.
A part of him wishes Kaidan would just start jerking him off and save them both from this train-wreck of a conversation, but heâs pretty sure that after today, Kaidan probably wants nothing to do with Joker and/or his Shepard-killing dick.
âF-fuckâŠâ Joker fists up a handful of the bedding.
Itâs not losing the sex, itâs losing Kaidan, and his dawning realization that Kaidan might feel some way about dealing with the loss of his girlfriend by coping with the guy who killed his girlfriend. Tears slide into his ears, and he feels wretched and lost and so damn sorry for himself it hurts to breathe. The very last thing he wants is to make things harder on Kaidan. Guilt swamps him, and he starts to cry in earnest.
Kaidan pulls back enough to cup Jokerâs face in both hands. âYouâre breaking my heart, you know,â he says, voice so low and rough itâs difficult to understand.
And Joker canât see through the blur of tears, but he tries to nod. âI know, I did. It must have been⊠so fucking hard for you⊠When you opened that escape pod⊠and she wasnât there,â he manages between sobs.
âYou want to talk about Alchera? Now? Fuck,â Kaidan rubs at Jokerâs tears with his thumbs. Itâs completely futile. More spill over, unstoppable. âYeah, it was bad. I got to your escape pod first, Joker. Sheâ yeah. But you⊠You almost died in my arms. I almost lost you both that day.â
Kaidan wraps his arms around Joker and pulls him closer, shifting positions, rolling until Joker is half on top of him. His fingers dig into Jokerâs shoulders a little. âWhen I think about everything that happened... I feel guilty and awful and⊠and really, really grateful too. I⊠Itâs complicated.â
For Joker, Alchera has always been little more than flashes of overwhelming pain and the floaty sensation of too many painkillers. Anything else is just lost in grey static.
He knew it was touch-and-go from Dr Chakwasâ description of his injuries. Sheâd sat with him for days when he got back to Huerta Memorial on the Citadel. The recovery had been rough. Theyâd been stranded on Alchera for more than two weeks, and several of his breaks had required resetting. But even Dr Chakwas had been reluctant to talk about Alchera itself.
Jokerâs nightmares were of the Normandy burningâ fire, and smoke, and Shepard on the wrong side of a door. But he knew that Kaidan dreamed of the aftermath, of those weeks stranded on Alchera.
âI just feel angry,â Joker offers to the silence.
âI know.â
Joker exhales hard. Heâs angry at Shepard for dying, and Dr Chakwas for not letting him die. Heâs angry at Kaidan for not being angry back. Heâs angry at Anderson and Hackett and the whole damn Alliance. Heâs angry at Benezia, and Saren, and the Council heâd been forced to abandon.
And heâs so damn angry at himself that he could choke on it and die.
âI know.â Kaidan takes a breath and pulls Joker tighter against him. âBut you were not to blame, Joker. Don't take that on, please. You didnât cause her death. Shepard went to get you. Her protective instinct⊠that was one of the things I loved about her."
"Yeah?" Joker says, voice breaking, even though he manages a smile. "Me too."
"Yeah." Kaidan exhales, long and slow. "It feels⊠less lonely knowing there was someone else out there that loved her too.â
âI just wishâŠÂ So badlyâŠâ Joker closes his eyes again, but it doesnât stop the tears from sliding down his face.
âMe too,â Kaidan whispers, and presses his forehead against Jokerâs. A tiny point of contact, simple and easy. âI wish too.â
And Joker moves his head down, and Kaidan moves his up, and they meet in the middle. The kiss is bittersweet, all salt and sorrow and softness. Itâs a slow kiss. A tender rediscovery. And Joker doesnât want to break out his last big secret, not tonight, but he thinks he's never loved Kaidan more than he does right now, right in this moment.
Kaidan cups his jaw and pulls him closer, deepening the kiss like he always does. Meeting Joker and pulling him along one step farther. His hand moves to Jokerâs hip, fingers squeezing, digging in. He breaks off the kiss, panting. âWeâre gonna have to talk about this more, you know? This wasnât a one-conversation kind of thing.â
âNo. No way,â Joker says with a breath of laughter. âIâm not talking to you ever again. Itâs just gonna be non-stop blow jobs from here on out.â
Kaidan smiles, the first real, genuine smile of the night. And even exhausted and wrung out from grief and stubbornness, heâs still so damn handsome, he takes Joker's breath away.
Do you ever accidentally wander into your own tumblr likes and think youâre on someone elseâs page, and that youâve found your fucking soulmate because everything they reblog slaps?
Before we begin, if someone reaches out to you apologizing for accidentally reporting you and giving you steps to fix that, it is a common scam that we are aware of. All reports are reviewed by a human, so if someone actually accidentally reported you, the report would likely be rejected. If someone like that reaches out to you, or you think someone is pretending to be [tumblr] Staff, please report it to us immediately and block them. Outside of official [tumblr] accounts and our support email, Staff will never message you, reply to your messages, or notify you about changes to your account. Also, [tumblr] will never ask for money besides for Premium subscriptions and whatâs sold in TumblrMart.
đ New
On web, we want to make it easier to follow the conversations happening around posts. Separating likes, reblogs, and comments lets you quickly see whether a post is sparking discussion, taking off in reblogs, or simply stacking up likes.
Ads might be displayed on your Tumblr blog site (think: [yourblog].tumblr.com). Ads help support Tumblr and keep the platform running, and you can turn them off for both yourself and your visitors by subscribing to Tumblr Premium.
Some of the tags appear to be haunted by Halloween spirit! Tap the heart on posts with these glowing tags at your own peril!
đ Fixed
We fixed a bug that was sending more than one notification for each mention.
We wonât display post thumbnails with filtered tags when recommending blogs.
đ§ Ongoing
If youâre still experiencing random crashes on the Android app, please make sure that your app is up to date first, then try our troubleshooting steps, and contact support if itâs still happening.
đ± Upcoming
Separated activity counts are coming to the apps soon.
Experiencing an issue? Check for Known Issues and file a Support Request if you have something new. Weâll get back to you as soon as we can!
Wanna go ad-free and get a bundle of other perks? Check out Tumblr Premium!
Had a new follower Iâve never interacted with message me to say they accidentally reported me for phishing/fraud and how I need to do all the things to fix it or risk a permanent, irreversible ban. HoweverâŠ
1. Their blog is⊠light on content to say the least.
2. They didnât share the actual âbadâ account they were trying to report . I did ask.
3. I only phish for Turian dicks. Please send some.
4. Iâm inclined to trust the process, if this is actually a real thing. But⊠you know. Itâs not like tumblr has ever donât anything irrational.
Had a new follower Iâve never interacted with message me to say they accidentally reported me for phishing/fraud and how I need to do all the things to fix it or risk a permanent, irreversible ban. HoweverâŠ
1. Their blog is⊠light on content to say the least.
2. They didnât share the actual âbadâ account they were trying to report . I did ask.
3. I only phish for Turian dicks. Please send some.
4. Iâm inclined to trust the process, if this is actually a real thing. But⊠you know. Itâs not like tumblr has ever done anything irrational.
gummygunk
titsay
areudirty
discoholicmusic
pixelskylines
