k.

energy + action

[kbxdii]

today is december 14th and from what i’ve heard it’s a very important day to write down goals, whether they’re existing or future goals, write them down in order to manifest what you want over the next 6 months. I constantly struggled with achieving goals in the past because I give up on myself and forget that manifestation includes putting the work in. i take criticism too harshly and never follow through out of fear that someone will dislike my ideas or that my mistakes will define me. i have decided to write down my goals for the next 6 months on here and start learning that failure is a part of success.

my goals include:

-mastering my sewing skills

-getting my real estate license and starting to sell homes

-creating a logo and final brand name

-narrowing down my first basic pieces in my clothing collection

-GO TO THERAPY & HEAL MY TRAUMAS

-start and pass my first semester of marketing classes

-potty train my son

-learn to LOVE myself for who i am and learn that sensitivity can be misused but that it’s also not a bad characteristic so long as i learn to manage it

-reach my health goals and get my weight to 165

-buy a car

-start looking to relocate and settle down in a new home

-save at least $5k

-start promoting my business and creating business pages on my social media outlets

-FOCUS ON ME & LET GO/ FOGIVE PAST VERSIONS

this is a majority of the list of goals that i have. here’s to a healthier and happier lifestyle <3

[kbxdii]

it’s been about three years and i’ve relived the same breakup with the same person about 20 times now and this last time that we “ended” things was a little different because i officially decided to let this person have their space and live this life they want without me. i haven’t necessarily had the urge to reach out, granted it’s only been two days, but i still think of them on a daily basis. i think admitting defeat wasn’t the weak thing to do and i’m starting to realize that sometimes love really just isn’t enough to stay in someone’s life. sometimes letting go is the strongest thing you can do for yourself in that moment, and it also doesn’t mean that down the road that person won’t come back and give you everything you need. i’m a firm believer in the right person, wrong timing.

that being said, i sat down with myself today and thought about all of our arguments and everything that i may have done wrong and started to think about why i do certain things or react a certain way. i think now that i’m committed to giving us this space and letting myself really think about how to become the best version of myself, i have to address why i am the way that i am in a relationship. so today i thought about the relationship i have with my parents. my dad and i aren’t close per say, but we’ve grown to be a little closer in the past couple of years than ever before. but it’s not the type of relationship that i can openly have any conversation with him and the way that him and my mom disciplined us growing up may have something to do with my fear of confrontation. i was always terrified of making a mistake out of fear of what my dad would say or do and my mom was the face of discipline in the household, however she made my dad seem like a very terrifying backup disciplinary, so we tried not to make a mistake that meant speaking to my dad.

the relationship with my mom is very different. she was my best friend, confidant, and my caregiver at one point. but her method of discipline came from a lack of control and it was shown as anger and yelling. i thought about this today and realized that i was never properly taught how to deal with inconveniences, heartbreak, even the most upsetting situations and it stems from the fact that my mom dealt with most of her negative emotions with anger. when my heart got broken, my logic went out the window and my anger took over. yelling and screaming, hitting walls, hurting myself.. it was the only response i knew and it never helped me move forward for years. when my mom betrayed my trust two years ago i felt abandoned and i felt as though my family was leaning on me for help and they haven’t stopped since. i felt like it was my responsibility to hold myself together for the sake of everyone else in my family, but when i was with my partner i could let my guard down and i become to reliant on letting someone else piece me back together when they really didn’t know how to, instead of facing my emotions and healing myself.

i’m not entirely sure how reparenting works and what childhood traumas translated into now that i’m an adult, but i find comfort in trying to make the association and finding positive ways to a solution. i let depression get the best of me for almost 10 years and now i think it’s possible that i may be too exhausted to be depressed. my first step is addressing my emotions and forgiving myself for things that i’ve held over my own conscience for years. i deserve happiness and my son deserves unconditional love and support from his mother so that he doesn’t have to reparent hisself when he’s older. i deserve the relationship i envisioned for myself but my first step is fixing myself from within and finding healthier outlets so that i don’t carry my past trauma into future relationships.

[kbxdii]

in light of me turning 25 this past week, i want to really take into account how much energy i give to the wrong places and redirect it into positive changes for myself. i truly believe that what is meant for me in the future will be mine and that the decisions i make toward my own growth right now will lead me directly to my blessings. it’s time to buckle down and focus on my passions, focus on school, focus on my money and the abundance that it headed my way. no more complaining and i’m realizing how much reparenting i need to go through in order to really become my best self. i’ve decided to do a 30 day social media detox and by that i just mean the social media that takes over your brain and has you logging in every hour and then suddenly 3 hours has gone by and my homework no longer gets done. it’s going to be a process but i’m determined to change my daily habits. no more 6-week workout routines and fad diets, its time for me to just make healthy decisions and eat a balanced diet and get my daily intake of exercise. i do have visions of what my dream body looks like and self acceptance is important but it’s also important for me to know that a tight tummy and phatty are nothing to be ashamed to strive for. i just wont stress myself on the process to losing the weight. i’m also going to start reading and writing as much as possible again. it’s very therapeutic and i felt as if i was really on the path to reaching my best self when i was reading and learning everyday. i want to focus less on things that barely give me any vibrations to things that give me the best, highest vibrations possible. there will be some tough moments in trying to rebuild relationships with family but it’s part of my goal to be in good standing with those who love me at the end of the day. but it’s also very important for me to realize that not everyone will support my journey until they see the end result so reparenting tip of the day is to remind myself that nobody needs updates on my life and that opinions are just that and they have nothing to do with me and my plans, but that they are just coming from a place of discomfort from people who don’t fully understand my vision yet. stay blessed and ill update everyone as i go <3

[kbxdii]

the amount of bliss that you feel when you finally release toxic or negative energy is something amazing. i’ve been holding onto something so negative for years now and i’ve finally learned to let it go. but is it wrong to believe that it’s going to come back to me someday? i don’t think i have a more sure feeling about this particular thing coming back to me when i’ve grown as a person down the road. i think that there is such thing as right person wrong time. i think that two people meant to be together can very well go their own paths and reconnect when the timing and when their spirit is aligned. i’ve just believed for awhile now that this particular person is my person. out of all the billions of people in the world, i found mine. and that might change and tomorrow i could wake up and fall in love with someone new and say the exact same thing about them one day but for now this is what i believe to be true and it’s what i feel in my heart and in my gut if i’m being honest. and there’s a chance we fall in love with other people along the way and then find our way back to one another after that, but i just cant help but feel that we’re the endgame for one another. of course thats if i decide to continue down a certain path of self growth and same for him. but there’s a version of me and one of him that are meant to be together one day.

[kbxdii]

i had an interesting conversation with an old friend from high school and we basically talked about a new opportunity possibly opening up for me but before she told me exactly what it was, we kind of just talked about where i was at now. i realized that my way of thinking wasn’t fully expanded although it was definitely on its way there. i’ve been a lot more open to new opportunities and my main goal is to be financially free. i want to be able to experience life to the fullest extent and because money makes the world a more limited place, the goal is to break that financial boundary and set myself free to experience any and everything.

she put into perspective the idea that society conditions its members into believing that success comes from financial stability and that you’ve reached maximum success once you have a certain basic status. a degree, a career, benefits, a retirement plan, etc. and while i’ve more recently felt that i was meant for more than a career plan and good benefits, and i’ve always felt that i was “too good” to work a job or work for someone else for the rest of my life, i never actually broke things down as to why people feel there’s a limit to what you can achieve.

we go to school from ages five to our mid-twenties (generally). we exchange our money and time for an education and once we receive that education we then exchange our time and education for money. but this friend asked me, “why is my time worth less than $20 per hour?” and she’s right. why am i letting myself believe that i have to spend a quarter of my life trying to get an education in subjects that i honestly wont ever use that much for the remainder of my life and then once i do finally get that piece of paper that says i’ve learned enough, why am i now letting someone tell me that my knowledge and time is worth x amount of money? why am i letting myself be middle class when i want to be much higher? why am i working at the bottom of a company for a person who i’ll never actually meet in my entire time spent working there? how does working from the bottom get me to his or her place in 20 years?

the reality is that we’re told we have to stick to a guideline or a timeline in order to create the life we truly want when in reality, the people who own these businesses and the CEO’s and people at the top never did that. they took charge and made their vision into a company or a source of income to where they never have to “work their way up”.

[kbxdii]

i literally just had one of the biggest self realizations ever about why i choose to have toxic relationships with people. i’m reading this book that says that people are drawn to you and vice versa because you see something in them that you see in yourself and that the things you don’t like them can be a reflection of things you don’t like about yourself.

i’ve always had really toxic friendships and relationships and luckily i cut those people off before they brought me down with them but i wanted to analyze those relationships because i always questioned why i was there for them in the first place.

there was a long period of time where i was miserable with my life and i was projecting my anger and sadness onto my boyfriend at the time and looking back it was completely unacceptable. but when i was going through it i felt like the victim because i was the sad one and i was the one who felt like i wasn’t enough or being enough or doing enough with my life and instead of taking action i pouted about it and cried and let my depression swallow me whole and my boyfriend would give me tough love by saying that i needed to do better or that i needed to stop complaining about everything and start taking control of my own life. and at the time instead of trying to take control in my own life i tried taking control of his life because i felt that my life was so off the rails that it was a lost cause so i tried controlling his life. and it ruined our relationship.

when we broke up i lashed out and things got wild and my behavior was something i’d never seen from myself before and it was still completely unacceptable but it was the point i got to. right after that i became friends with a really toxic individual who made me feel like those behaviors were normal and acceptable and i now realize that i became friends with her because of that. until i started to better myself and saw that those behaviors were really wild and weird honestly and that i didn’t want to be like that anymore. i didn’t want to be short-tempered or angry or out of control anymore and she was going through her own journey that just didn’t match up with mine anymore. so i cut it off. and now i realize that i miss her during times where i feel like i’m retracting even slightly back into those bad habits because i know she’d make those habit feel acceptable.

another friend i made was extremely toxic as well and i let her live with me for awhile because i felt that she was trying to turn her life around and get away from her toxic boyfriend. and at the time i felt i could really relate to her because my ex and i were going through similar things and it made our situation feel normal because someone else was going through the same thing. once again, she validated my behaviors and they were completely unacceptable. with her it might have been a little different because i tried to take my mind off of my ex by making her my new project. i felt that if i could fix her, it would take away my karma for how i treated my ex and that if she learned to stop being toxic then it would take away my toxicity as well but honestly it just got worse. i saw how her and her bf treated each other and it was terrible but it also gave me an excuse to act out as well and now i realize that’s the part she played in my life.

another friend i have has this really annoying habit of repeating the same experience or expressing the same complaints to me every time we talk and i realized that i don’t like that about her because i don’t like that about myself. my ex used to tell me all the time that i complained about the same shit over and over and that he was tired of talking about it if i wasn’t gonna take action afterward. i used to think he was being an asshole but i realize it was tough love but more importantly that he was right. there’s no point in repeating the same shit when you’re not gonna try to change it after venting because all that does is force you to relive those negative emotions and drown in them more and more every time you talk about them.

lastly my relationship with my ex. it’s more complex than “i see in him what i hate about myself” but i remember feeling out of control in my life so i tried gaining control over his. and i can see how that’s resentful now and how that can cause someone to be distant and turned off by their girlfriend. i felt that if i could control a little more of him that it would help me feel secure when all i needed to do was just take those same steps and apply them to myself. if i feel secure with myself then other people who are secure with themselves will gravitate toward me. most of our problems when we were together led back to me being a control freak. my anger stems from the fact that i cant control other people. i realize that now and i hate certain bad habits in other people because i hate the control freak in myself.

so how can i move forward from that? the book says that in order to change you have to write down false rewards from your bad habits. by being a control freak i get to blame others for not conforming to my standards. then i change that by saying that by being in control of my own life, i become powerful and other people who are secure will gravitate toward me and surpass my standards.

i cant force people to be like me and i cant force them to change those habits i don’t like about them that i see in myself but what i can do is stay so in control of my own life (in the healthiest and happiest way possible) that it inspires others to take control as well and grow with me or until those people eventually branch off.

that’s my self realization of the day.

[kbxdii]

I’m going to start a prayer log on here. Bare w me because my prayers are a little underdeveloped but i’m hoping that by starting a log they’ll grow but honestly they’re for me so i guess in the end it doesn’t matter how they sound.

4.20.2020

Lord,

Thank you for the abundance of love that i feel this afternoon. I pray that you continue to bless me with a new day and a thank you for allowing me to gain the resources to explore self growth and new heights of self realization and love. I pray, Lord, that you continue to bless me and my son and help us to build a better bond through you that is love. I pray that I am continuously learning from each experience and I pray that you bless us with an abundance of wealth and success in the healthiest and most self gratifying way Lord. I pray that through these desperate times we remember to look to You and that we continue to pray and seek you when we feel both desperate and grateful. I pray that you remind me of who I am Lord and that you guide me with confidence and strength through all situations. I thank you for today and I thank you for the health and strength you have given me today. In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

Today I started a new morning routine and I may have experienced a small hiccup but instead of beating myself up about it i just reminded myself that learning new things is a great process and i wont always be perfect on the first try. i read my book and it showed me so many things that i still have to work on. today’s focus is gratitude. i have to learn how to be grateful for all situations and ask myself questions when things dont go my way and the biggest question that stood out to me today was “how can this help me grow?” what can i learn from a shitty situation to where i can take off my negativity glasses and ask what lesson it’s trying to teach me instead. anyways, this is part 6 of my “morning”-which-is-now-at-1:42pm-because-i-woke-up-later-than-anticipated-however-there-are-no-timelines-so-i’m-not-upset-about-it routine. ill be back tonight xoxo.

[kbxdii]

it’s weird thinking about the future and having to make certain decisions about what you’ll want. i thought i only wanted one kid and i honestly was thinking selfishly because i told myself that it’ll be easier for me and that when he’s officially an adult ill be relatively young still and ill still have time to live my life a certain way and be “free” to live certain dreams. but i’m sitting here tonight thinking how beautiful and fucking amazing that kid is and how another one wouldn’t be so bad and how i can still be super mom and still live every dream that i have. i shouldn’t be waiting until i’m 40 anyways, i should be doing my shit now when my son doesn’t remember the long hours ill have to work so in a few years when i’m financially free and have the flexibility to spend as much time with him as possible, he’ll be able to make some lasting memories with me and i’ll have the time and money and energy to make another big headed baby.

i’m just speaking this into the universe right now. i want more kids because ill be financially free and emotionally stable to be able to support and build an amazing life with them.

[kbxdii]

i’m sitting here almost about to get angry over a situation that i have no control over and because of someone who i felt needed to do something for me for the fact that they “owed me”. and then i realized.. nobody owes me shit. maybe in theory one could say someone owes them but in reality people don’t owe you anything. just like i dont owe anyone anything. i cant control this situation however i dont owe this person the energy it takes for me to be upset over it. i dont owe them my future time just how they dont owe me their time tonight. i dont owe them emotion anymore, i dont owe them sympathy or forgiveness. i dont owe them anger or frustration because it takes away from the fact that i owe myself so much. i owe it to myself to spend that time and energy and emotion on myself. so i’m taking a deep breath and even though my frustration still exists, i dont have to spend it on them and give them a reaction they never asked for. so ill write it down and make it real and valuable and just think back to moments like this in the future when i feel like i have to use these words on them when really they just dont give a fuck. so why should i? no one owes me anything.

[kbxdii]

“he doesn’t love you.”

sometimes you have to say it out loud and a million times to really convince yourself that the guy just doesn’t fucking love you. it’s not about if he says he loves you in the back of your van for the first time while he’s drunkenly crying, it’s not about him telling you that your son is like a son to him, it’s not about the many times that he told you he’s gonna marry you. he does not love you. it shows when he cheats on you. when he ignores you.. it shows when months after he finally tells you he loves you, he says he never meant it. it shows when he can never get the courage to tell his parents he’s dating a single mom, it shows when he tells his brother he would never take you seriously. he doesn’t love you because you dont have enough money for him and he honestly never really believes in your dreams because he shuts most of them down right away. it’s not about taking trips for his birthday, it’s about how he doesn’t remember yours after you’ve told him plenty of times. it’s about how he really truly makes you feel on the inside. are you devoted to him because you feel like you’ve been through enough trauma together? because it’s not genuine or unconditional love that keeps you around him.

insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. check my phone every 3 to 5 minutes to see if he’s responded. his thread is on DND and my phone is on DND also and still i sit here and check my phone religiously every 3 to 5 minutes to see if that little red bubble is sitting on top of my messages. it’s usually not. its pathetic how wrapped around his finger i am. and i’m sure most times he doesn’t even care if i’m there or not. sometimes he wishes i weren’t. and sometimes i wish i weren’t either but i’m so scared of losing...??? what am i scared of losing? i’m sure there’s a man out there who will love me. i’m sure a few have the potential to love me so what is it about this guy that makes me want him to love me so fucking bad?

i’m not sure how it’ll turn out. but i know this isn’t real love. in theory it’s nice to think of someone who remembers the small things about you. like my birthday. or someone who learns your love language and does small acts of love to make you feel special. mine is words of affirmation and quality time. we used to spend everyday together for months. doing nothing honestly. watching movies or stupid reality shows or even me just watching him play video games. that felt like love to me. it felt like love to hear “i’m proud of you” or “you’re amazing” or the many times he called me beautiful.. maybe he loved me during that time and just didn’t want to say it because it felt too real to him and he wasn’t ready. maybe he loved me then. but he doesn’t love me now. and i tell myself that on almost a daily basis and sometimes i slip up and think maybe he does love you but its not love. he does not love me.

[kbxdii]

i have to remind myself that ill get through it. regardless of what it may be, ill move on. i’ve been in love w the same guy for about two years now and we treat each other like straight shit sometimes. i think we both know its time to move on but something always stands as an excuse not to let go. the sex is amazing. when we actually hangout and do fun things its a vibe that i don’t wanna let go of. he’s great with my son. there are so many great things about us individually and together but when it gets bad it gets so bad.. and i understand that it’s both of us. i know how to escalate a situation and he knows how to escalate me. we both know every button to push on the other to where we break and it’s actually terrible. we’ve both done some really terrible things. and writing it down and having this conversation with myself its like i can see how to fix it and it seems so much easier than it is. if you love each other that should be enough right? not really i guess. i’m not sure that he loves me but i know he wants to sometimes. i think me not coming from money and the fact that with me comes my son really scares him. he cant support himself let alone his girl and a baby. which i’ve never asked him to but i guess thinking of it through his perspective it’s expected. i think i love him. i’m not sure if its just this really really fucked up attachment or that i genuinely love him. and if i think about him finding his happiness with another girl, it makes me angry because i want that happiness with him and i guess that shows me that i dont actually love him the way i try to convince myself that i do. i ignored so many red flags and i think he did also.. its just hard to feel like that’s your person but neither of you can fix your red flags enough to where you can really be together.. i’m not even sure any of this makes sense out loud but its a lot less simple than it should be.

sometimes i ask myself “is this what it takes to be with the person you love?” because obstacles come your way no matter what and you have to get through that shit together but when you’re each the other persons obstacle, then what? when we apologize to each other we always take more blame than we should. its not his fault that i have depression and its not my fault he cant commit. it is my fault that i brought more commitment issues out of him and it is his fault that he hurt me and added to my sadness but doesn’t that mean we break up and move on now? why is it so hard for us to part ways? is it my fault that i’m STILL hurting? because i cant let him go. is it because i’m uncomfortable letting someone come into my life again? its hard when you go through some real life shit with someone and then you have to think about not ending up together. it wasn’t my job to take care of him when he had his struggles but i did it anyway. and it wasn’t his job to take care of me during mine but he did. i thought that was unconditionally loving someone but you dont say that and then turn around and break each other. constantly. i love him but on my terms. and vice versa. so what’s the right answer, do we let go or work harder? and honestly that answer is to let go because its one sided right now. one of us doesn’t want to do more and the other is all in. i wont specify.

most of this shit that’s happened over the last year or so just makes me wonder if i really believe in finding your person. because you go through so many versions of yourself that your person could change with that. it could be a different person through each change you go through. so when one of us says lets let it go and if its meant to be we’ll find our way back to each other, it’s hard for the other to believe that’s the case.

[kbxdii]

it’s really hard coming to terms with the idea that something might be wrong with you. and not that it’s wrong to feel the way that you do but that there is a literal chemical balance inside of your head that you cannot seem to control no matter what you do. i have tried prayer, meditation, therapy, routines, etc etc. i’ve ruined a lot of relationships because of my reactions toward insignificant inconveniences. i’m not sure how to regain control over my own mind sometimes. i’m not diagnosed but i do show signs for many different things.. bipolar depression, anger issues, anxiety, rage.. i’m honestly scared of a diagnosis because i know medication comes after a certain point and i want to feel present for myself and for my son.

i’ve blamed a lot of other people for my issues and i’ve put them at the center of my instability and put it in my head that they’re the reason for my misery. whether it be my family, my partners, my friends.. i’ve always found someone else to place blame onto and to manipulate enough to where i dont have to feel guilty about my actions. in my head sometimes my reasoning for certain things or behind certain feelings sounds like it makes sense but when i try to reach out and talk about them out loud it doesn’t sound right.. it sounds like i’m going in circles and honestly it invalidates what i’m feeling because the reasoning i have behind it really just doesn’t connect.

i know have mental issues but i dont know why exactly. i just know when i’m angry, it shows instantly and it explodes and shit comes out of my mouth that i dont mean. sometimes its sadness and its anxiety and i dont know how to control things when they’re happening right then and there. sometimes it leads me to have really terrible thoughts. things i’d never do for the sake of my son but things that i think about so heavily that i can almost feel myself doing it and not being afraid of what ill leave behind. i reach out to one person and i take all of my rage and anger out on him every time i cant control the situation but honestly i know he wont be able to help. my friends and family cant help. no one can really understand me because i cant effectively get the right words or feelings out and even if i could, i dont really understand myself and why i’m feeling this way either.

i know i have to get back to therapy but im so resistant. i feel like if i were to go back i’d just immediately cry because its long awaited and there’s so much that i need to say. there’s so much sadness in my heart and my mind is a mess that i’m not even sure where i’d start. i dont really remember much about my life if i’m being honest. i mean i do but i cant think of anything right now. a lot of it is clouded and i’m not sure if they’re actual memories or shit i think happened. i’m losing track of my thoughts right now so i think ill stop here.

[kbxdii]

its day x of quarantine and i can honestly say that i haven’t been following the rules very well. there’s something very unbelievable about this entire situation but i’m not exactly sure what it is. i’m also getting drunk right now so all of my outlandish thoughts and ideas are surfacing right about now.

i was also thinking about how annoying it is to feel like you need to always be there for people until i realized that sometimes it’s really just your responsibility to make sure that your loved ones are doing okay. that is, if you want them to remain in your life for the long run. today i realized that i need to sit through people crying and complaining and being utterly defeated because that’s what those individuals would do for me. you absolutely get to choose to do this and i’m choosing to think of them right now. i love them. i want them to grow and to move forward and be ultimately happy and so it’s my job right now to just take it day by day and listen and be a rock or any small happiness in their day because that’s absolutely what they need. for some reason i went through this phase of feeling like i really didn’t have to listen to people for the sake of my own mental health and honestly that’s really a different type of selfishness if you want to keep certain people in your life. there’s the kind of selfish where you dont let anyone bring you down and you cut certain toxicities out of your life because you know you deserve better and there’s the selfish where you use self growth as an excuse to stop helping people when they probably, definitely need a shoulder. i dont want to be the second type of selfish. i want to help people and ultimately one of my end goals in life is to help A LOT of people but we’ll write about that another night lol. if you’re reading this and you need to talk, feel free to reach out. that sounds so fucking corny but in times like this when shit is weird and feels unusual, sometimes all someone needs is to just have access to someone so they can let go of words and feel a little lighter before bed.

i think that’s all for tonight, i’m making another margarita soon lol. goodnight <333

[kbxdii]

i haven’t written in awhile and during quarantine i’m pushing myself to do things that make me actually have to try because it’s been really easy for me to say “ill start tomorrow” everyday.. and i’m not sure what it is about quarantine that makes me feel like i can actually ‘catch up’ in life but i think it has to do with the fact that a majority of people are forced to be at home and it makes me feel like we’re all kind of on the same level and moving at the same pace. if that makes sense.. and it’s not that i have to catch up because everyone moves at their own pace but i feel less pressure to move forward drastically and quickly due to the fact that people aren’t hiring and there’s not this insane need to get out of the house and see people or follow through with plans and i can solely focus on myself and kai.

i’ve been trying to practice patience but some days it’s harder than others.. i think the reason i look forward to working out now is because it’s strictly “me time”. its quiet and it makes me feel good and i know in the next 4 weeks ill look amazing since i’m sticking with it this time. and then when lockdown is lifted and gyms reopen ill have a new routine and ill get to use my membership for once. it’s hard making a routine.. it feels like once you have a good one, things change enough to where you have to create a new one. i felt like i was on a roll last month and then the virus hit us and now i’m stagnant but also feeling motivated but also feeling very unattached all at the same time. i’m not sure if i’m feeling mentally healthy to the point where certain emotions dont overwhelm me but part of me also feels like i’m shoving certain emotions away so i dont have to feel too much too fast.

these are just some of the random thoughts i’ve been having lately and it seems like each day i’ve been a little more productive than other days but i know that my game has to step all the way up if i want to reach the level of success i know i’m capable of reaching. school is just around the corner and i’ve let go of some very impressionable but inadequate people in order for me to grow, but it’s all for the best and i have to feel that 100% in order for me to fully grow into a better version of myself. i feel good overall and of course i question these feelings but i listened to a podcast yesterday and it basically said that negative thoughts can cause actual gene impressions in your body and the effects can be detrimental BUT if you make positive gene impressions you can literally eliminate diseases and toxins from your body. it makes sense. i mean of course you should still do other things to prevent bad things from happening but it makes sense that having a positive outlook and not being afraid of the ‘what ifs’ can have really amazing outcomes.

that’s all for now. my sleep schedule is fucked up but we’re working on that along with everything else but it is currently 110am and i am almost done with my chamomile so ill leave it at this. goodnight.

[kbxdii]

how do you truly get over a heartbreak..

how do you tell yourself it’s time to move on when you know in your heart that you aren’t ready.. how can you say it’s time to let go when you can physically feel your heart aching for that person..

i have a hard time trying to convince myself that things are better off without you when my heart is forever going to be yours. life isn’t a movie and #goals is so much easier said than done but at times it felt like things were perfect with you. sometimes i felt like i could finally breathe a sigh of relief because i had struggled through so much for so long and i had finally found someone who made things feel effortless. it was so easy to be in love with you and it was so easy to let my judgement be clouded by that love that i ignored when we were toxic. but even after the toxicity and the fighting and the rage and anger i still think of you and picture you as the person i want to be with. some days i think of you and i remember why we aren’t together right now but i still feel like it’ll be me and you in the end.

[kbxdii]

do you ever have days where nothing is wrong but at the same time nothing feels right? i used to wake up with a new sense of purpose and like i had finally figured out a routine and a schedule and a life plan and then one day i just didn’t get that same sense of motivation. i’d like to say it was because my focus was on someone else but that honestly wasn’t the case. it was more of a lack of focus on anything in general and like i was just going through the motions again. it’s strange because something actually cr*zy happened the other night but i don’t have any feelings toward it. sometimes throughout the day i get an overwhelming feeling and start to tear up but it’s not to the point where it’s crippling and where i just roll up into a ball and stay in bed all day. it feels more like an indifference toward everything. and when i think back on the day it’s like i can’t really remember all of the events because i just put my mind in cruise control or something. in each moment i feel emotion but when i think back on it hours later it’s like i don’t remember the feeling if that makes any sense. i’m not sure if this is my healing process and eventually ill start to shift my mind back into manual but i was wondering if i was the only person who felt this way recently. or the last two days i should say. because two days ago i felt chaotic and angry and i exploded with every negative emotion possible. but today i feel almost nothing but physical discomfort.

[kbxdii]

10.25

sometimes things just aren’t your fault. sometimes you can give everything you have and still push for more and still be made to feel like you aren’t enough. i realized my toxic traits awhile ago and i have taken so many steps to try and be the best version of myself but sometimes you have a moment of weakness and sometimes certain people have the ability to bring you back to a place you aren’t proud of but it doesn’t discredit those steps you took before that point. sometimes people are just shitty. sometimes you can give them your last and they will somehow still make you feel like you will never be good enough. and that is not your fault. sometimes people step all over you and crush your spirit and break your heart and make you feel less than you really are because deep down they know they don’t deserve you at your best. and i realized that sometimes i need to cut those people off and forgive myself for allowing them to bring me to a level that i am not proud of and i have to remember that i can’t blame myself for how another person behaves. one day everything will be a memory and the pain will subside and i’ll be happier beyond belief and the right people will be there to support me.