Bits and pieces of my mind

A blog full of memories, thoughts, & rambles | Personal blog: Kimiclaire.tumblr.com (function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){ (i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o), m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m) })(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga'); ga('create', 'UA-43316593-1', 'tumblr.com'); ga('send', 'pageview');

[kclairethoughts]

I'm just still so ugh. Still not reassured and fucking scared.

[kclairethoughts]

I feel so fucking lonely.

[kclairethoughts]

I have a damn interview tomorrow & I feel like shit. Hopefully I sleep early tonight. Ugh. Fuck.

[kclairethoughts]

Well, sometimes, it's really hard to take peoples word when they say something that they're going to do. I've had a hard time trusting people & only those that I'm really comfortable with I can tell basically anything to without no worries. Besides those few people, I can never just trust someone off the bat. I can't be sure if they're talking behind my back, doing something behind my back, not keeping their word, just anything. So many scenarios come to mind, it's hard to get my mind off of it tip I'm reassured that everything's as it is & nothing it a lie or whatever. I know it may seem as if you aren't trustworthy in my mind or anything, it's just a bad habit & til I'm proven wrong & satisfied with how things have been, I'll have nothing to worry about. Nothing. I'll know you like the back of my hand. No joke. Although past is past sometimes, I'll never know if it'll happen again or I won't know for sure if the lesson has been learned from before. All comes down to just being shown that things change or are attempting to change, I'll put into consideration of how well the connection between us is. Deciding whether the direction we're taking should continue or stop. I barely open up nowadays because of shit that's happened before. It's hard to be able to trust people as much as you want to, yet you can't. Iuno. It's just me & it's hard to even accept peoples trust. It always comes down to leaving & never turning back. Blah. Rambles on rambles. 

[kclairethoughts]

I saw a post about just taking pictures. I guess pictures in the moment you can say, or pictures that aren't really necessary. Looking back at old pictures, I realize I take a lot of pictures that're mainly things that're worth remembering. It's always nice to look back at the picture & remember at that exact moment what was happening & who was there. Iuno, it's just a memory in a photo. Something worth remembering or just for shits and giggles.

[kclairethoughts]

I hate getting so pissed, it turns into tears of frustration that I can't stop -_-

[kclairethoughts]

I really hate how people are nowadays. I mean, it's like I know you care but atleast support me than bring me down. It gets irritating and I'm tired of it.

[kclairethoughts]

Going to cosmetology school at Paul Mitchell has really taught me how to be patient. To be professional. To be understanding. I remember back in school, they talked about how in stores or wherever we’re at, sometimes people are taking too long to do things, they don’t get your order right, they’re not on their game at work, something’s not right, anything. Whatever may get you angry or anything. One of my learning leaders told us that they may be having a hard day, maybe something isn’t going right in their life, maybe it’s just not their day on that day. I know our first thought is to instantly get mad because they’re not doing their job or something but everyone gets a hard day in their life some time. Everyone is a hard worker & we do what we can to please our customers/guests. Sometimes a little something can make someone feel better, maybe a bigger tip than usual or a sincere thank you for what they’ve done, anything that can possibly make them feel better that can instantly make them feel better about themselves, about life, about their day. You can probably be the reason why they felt better or to make them change their mood. It’s better to make someone feel better than to give them a hard time. For us hair stylists, it may be hard on some days with the difficult and precise clients we try to please & give our 110% to. But customer satisfaction is always number one. The customer is always first, regardless. Getting mad at people because of their poor work seems to be impossible for me most of the time cz I do my best to understand they’re trying & sometimes, it’s really not their fault & they’re working hard. So yeah, thank you, Paul Mitchell, for teaching me patience, haha.

[kclairethoughts]

I’m sure I talked about this one time but back in middle school, I remember when joining the step team, I didn’t want to be captain. I always avoided being like, noticed and what not but the captain always had her eye on me and in the end, I turned out to be captain. Didn’t know what to do. How to do it. I didn’t know anything. Disaster in my opinion ._.

When high school came around, I joined the hip hop team. I came off as a quiet innocent little asian girl and the captain, Jhuanna, of course, she would pay a lot of attention cz I didn’t say much or anything. Later on, she would tell me the things that were going on, I remember her telling her sister, Ivy, she would take the spot of captain when she graduated and Ivy told me she’s going to pass it down to me. Scared me cz I never liked being captain cz I never knew what to do. Don’t know how to be in charge of anything. Idk how to make choreo. I didn't even dance that well. Captains changed, after my sophomore year, I was announced captain & I didn’t want to do it alone or let alone do it. Had two of my friends help me and ended up loving being captain. Helping out others. Opening my shell. Expressing myself through my choreos as I got better during the months. Learning day by day. It was nice during my junior year because most of my friends were in the team so I was basically just spending more time with my friends & doing something we all loved. Getting to perform together was a thrill, getting to skip class together because we had performances during school, practicing last minute like we always do. When senior year came along, it was nice doing the "try outs" & meeting all the little freshies & softies. Loved working with the girls since most of my girl dances were all like "sexy" & stuff like that. They were all new to it but I knew they loved it ^-^ teehee. Teaching dances during that time got so much easier & funner.  Funner is not a word, LOL. But it was nice getting to see them all grow & get better, working with some of them one on one. Sad though because since I started ILLmaculate more often during that year, I was barely around & my two friends decided we should start to pass the torch to the future captains of next year & see their strengths & weaknesses. See how well they do to carry the team together & to work together. It seriously touched my heart but made me so sad at the same time. Being captain meant a lot to me. Made me see that people had the trust in me to carry a team year after year & taking care of it, keeping the "one love, one team, one family." Hiphop, the SHIIIIET. Lol, oh good times (': Blessed & thankful to become a captain in my life & people telling me I was their "dancing idol" hahah. So cute it made me feel special cz knowing me before, I would've never became this type of person if it wasn't for hip hop, dancing, & becoming captain. 

[kclairethoughts]

I’m a very stubborn person. A lot of people know that. For some reason, I like finding out things the harder way & I don’t like listening to other people when they usually turn out to be right on things I disagree on. I don’t like listening to other people & I don’t like listening to people that totes disagrees with my decisions & in the end, it’s me having to say, “Sorry, I should’ve listened to you.” Or them just saying, “I told you so.” or “What did I tell you.” & shit like that. Yeah, I know you told me & shit. Like, I understand I was wrong but it’s hard for me to accept shit until it actually starts happening & I find out for myself. Once I make it happen for me to hurt myself, it’ll make me remember & keep me from going thru shit like that again. I mean. That’s just me. I like going through the hard way out so I can learn myself. Eh, stubborn as I may be & as stupid as it sounds, it helps.

[kclairethoughts]

Distance is such a cock block. Like seriously. When thinking about it, it sucks when you know that the wait will be so long, who knows when you’ll see whoever you wanna see again. Hard for hopeless hoping. It’s all we really believe in & have a lot of faith in. Something we try avoiding from thinking but it’s just what we really want. We want what we can’t have. That shit sucks. And it’s irritating & sad to fucking think about. I hate distance. It’s stupid. Yeah, I may be use to it, but it’s just never fair when you need someone most during a certain time, the closest thing you have with them is a phone call or a webcam call. Not being able to physically see & hug them. It sucks ass. Forgetting how it feels like to hug or kiss them because it’s been so long since then. I hate this type of shit. It’s just starting to bug the shit out of me. Cliche to wanting someone to drive out of their way to see me. I’ve had it, and it was thee best feeling cz it’s been months since I’ve gotten to be with that person and finally spend time like before. It’s hard having to sad goodbye at the end but as long as it’s a for sure to knowing you’ll end up see eachother again. Hopefully the wait isn’t that long & the wait is worth waiting for.

[kclairethoughts]

Just a random post cz I don't feel that great right now but mer. I really hate these kind of nights when I can't go back to sleep cz all that is in my mind are negative thoughts & bad vibes, loneliness, & over thinking. Meh, nothing beats that. Most reasons why I can't even sleep at night nowadays. As exhausted as I am right now, I don't even know what time I could possibly be going to sleep. Blah.

[kclairethoughts]

Sigh. I look back at these pictures & it really makes me miss going to school at Paul Mitchell. It was so great getting to meet people & pretty much become the best of friends the entire school year. I do miss my girls, LeeLee & Steph. I mean, going to school here was basically like high school expect we're together for the entire day. In the same class together, going to the same lunch, same break, everything. On Monday - Friday, arriving to school, clocking in, checking the client list if you've been chosen & the dread of finding out what service it is x.x Finding a seat in the class room & saving more seats for your friends. When class ended, we'd find a station on the floor before everyone takes the good ones. Clocking back in from lunch & either doing boxes or setting up for a client. Helping friends out with their clients. Trying to hurry in line to clock out before the line gets too damn long. Saturdays, hoping we didn't get towels, front desk, or color bar. Putting tables together in the POW WOW room for all your friends, taking longer breaks/lunches than usual, finding a station & trolley if we had a client. Days when we just chill, do eachothers hair, experiment on our doll heads, hang out, hearing drama from people around school, ditch class sometimes, lol. It was so fun! Goodness gracious, the best experience yet & meeting the best people! But I really do miss getting ready every single day. Especially since it's beauty school, I gotta atleast look decent so it was nice doing my hair all the time, my make up & putting together an all black outfit. Then going to school & coincidentally matching hair/outfits with your friend, lol. Doing fun group projects together, messing around in the locker rooms, getting a new worksheet & it's all pretty & shiet, haha. The end of the day on Fridays, lining up to check if you passed your test or not. Holy. Moly. There's just so much that go on, I really miss the action & fun & learning. It was definitely too fun to leave, somewhat. Love/hate relationship lol. But going here was just like senior year in highschool. One year & after graduation, we all part our separate ways to start our careers. Wish I could go back & enjoy the fun all over again.

[kclairethoughts]

This iPhone 5s & iPhone 5c is so stupid, lol. Like wtf, they already came out with the iPhone 5 just last year & decide to slighty "upgrade it" a year later with the littlest & useless shit ever, lol. And especially Apple getting rid of iPhone 5 completely & discontinuing it. Iphone 5c has different colored iphones - I will totes laugh if I find out the color of that phone will chip off, hahaha. iPhone 5s just has the new littlest shit ever & comes in gold. Like, wth. Hahah. I mean, I guesssss. It's just totes ridiculous to me that they're making a new iPhone when there's really no difference to how it is now. Iuno, lol. Totes stoops tho.

[kclairethoughts]

You know what really ticks me off? How people think they know me because of my fucking past. You know how fucking annoying that shit is? Like, what sucks most is being "known" for my history from my biggest relationship. Like, seriously. I mean, yeah, maybe you know me, we talk here & there, but you seriously do not know what I'm thinking about, how I feel, what I went through, what I'm learning, all that shit. It's so annoying. Don't be putting my past into my future as if that's still how I am. You may have heard about the shit everyone constantly talks about & spreads rumors & shit but you still don't know nothing cz you didn't come to me. You're basing your predictions off of what you heard cz apparently, it's all true & you think coming down to a conclusion is right. Just from what happened in my 3 year relationship which was 2 DAMN YEARS AGO, it doesn't mean it's going to happen now. Like, wtf. Back then, yes, I know that I went back to my ex several times because I didn't know any better, I was new to serious relationships, he made me think that he really loved me, I believed every word, I constantly got the "he's the one" feeling over & over again. Yeah, whatever. Let me just fill you in that someone during that time finally made me realize that I'm in a relationship that I really shouldn't be in. I'm hurting myself & it's not doing any better for me in the future. I thought about it, let the relationship go, it made life way better & easier. Reflecting back to those years with my ex, made me realize things aren't going to change or anything. Made me remember not to turn back because things will go back to how they were before.  Yeah, he came back into my life months later to come to a "truce" & became friends. When someone new came into my life, he tried coming back & usually, I would let go of the new relationship & go back to him but things changed this time. In my new relationship, he made forget about him, made me only think about him & only him. Even within a month of talking to him, I still didn't go back to my ex. I didn't miss him, I didn't care, I moved on. No matter what he did to split us up, it never happened. Just caused more drama, but whatever. Anyways. I stayed in that relationship for over a year & may several more. I don't get how people really think that I'm gonna go back to my old ways & be with my ex again after being with my current for over a year. They don't know shit about what's been happening in my life. Years of my life. Like, people may be talking a lot of rumors & shit but they won't understand unless they come to me themselves. Gheez man. People need to learn not to believe what they hear til they ask for themselves. 

[kclairethoughts]

Basically, this is a ticket to my high school graduation back in 2011. I won 2 extra tickets & I got 6 to begin with. Hours before the ceremony, I get home from the mall & my Dad starts off with, "Your prom pictures came in." Of course I'm all excited (btw, the guy in my prom pictures wasn't actually my date) til my Dad says, "Why wasn't it with Matt?" My stomach seriously dropped & I didn't know what to say. My Mom pretty much hates him & didn't approve of my going to prom with him & I kept it a secret. So she's yelling, crying, omfg. Just didn't even go well. The day of my graduation, the day that was suppose to be one of the most memorable moment of my life. This definitely was memorable, just not in a way I wished. As the ceremony starts, while walking the track I look for my family & I finally spot them! Let's get a head count.. 8.. Sister, brother, cousin, best friend, close friend, Dad.... 7.. who's missing. Oh, my Mom. This day gets to me sometimes & it just sucks seeing this thing time to time. I don't even understand why I still have it. Eh, but just a bummer thinking back that my Mom didn't get to see me walk. Ok I'm like, sorta out of words so I'm just gonna leave it at that. Just decided to write this somewhere I guess. 

[kclairethoughts]

When people come to me, sometimes, it's because they need something. There are days when it's just out of the blue, whatever. I mean, it tends to become a routine once I start to notice it. There are those type of friends that go to you because I gave them my word when I said I'll be there for you. They know I'll be the friend to listen when they need to say something. They know that I will be there no matter what. Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I will do my best to be there. But once it comes to me needing someone, I try turning to those that have turned to me. When I talk, it's like they're not interested or they don't care. They listen, but they don't say anything. I talk, the conversation leads into a different subject. Like, wow. That makes me feel great. Not. It's like they only need me when they need me. When it comes to just talking, they can blow me off & be whatever about. Dgaf, yknow. But once you need me, that's when everything changes. I sometimes just want to "not be there" because I want you to see how it feels when you only come to me just cz you need someone & I happen to be that person. But I'm not like that cz I have a heart & I feel bad. It's just annoying how some people really do this & they act like I'm not going to notice. Yeah, that's all.