Blerg.

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[tatuaggiolove]

~take me away~

[officiallittletattoos]

A quiet lake in winter tattoo on the right arm. Tattoo artist: Nando

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[frauth]

Picture taken from steepingteaandsunnydreams

[w-hader-blog-deactivated2018012]

[kegran]

in my head: constructs witty and insightful answers to interview questions for when I'm famous

ordering at a restaurant: please I the soup want

[kegran]

Hopes, Fears and Expectations...

... regarding testosterone. I have known that I wanted to physically transition since I was 14 years old. It's been over six years and finally it's happening. During those six years I have had a lot of time to think and ponder and obsess about starting on testosterone. So today I want to write down some of those thoughts now that I am closing the "Pre-T" chapter.

First and foremost, what do I EXPECT from testosterone?

I expect my voice will drop quite a lot.

I will probably get more hairy. Maybe some facial hair as well.

I expect at least some body fat redistribution.

Even pre-t I pass a fair amount, but usually I'll pass as a 13 year old boy ( I know this because I have been asked to show ID when buying Red Bull, which is 14+), and that sucks! 

I also expect my face to change a little bit..

What changes am I HOPING for?

I really hope I'll be able to grow half-decent facial hair. Not immediately, but within a year or two. 

I hope to grow a happy trail, just because I'd like to have that. I would also like some chest hair eventually. 

I hope that my body fat redistributes quite a lot. My body fat follows a very typical feminine pattern, something I get extremely dysphoric about. 

I hope that it affects my muscles so that when I eventually get top surgery and I'll be able to work out more, that I can build some muscles and maybe bulk up a bit.

Also, I would really like to have a visible adams apple, even though I don't expect that at all!

I hope that I won't be so dysphoric about everything all the time. Whereas today, I am largely dependent on hiding my hips because people don't know whether to read me as male or female, and my hips might just be what will make them lean towards female. Same goes for my voice. I hope that features such as a lower voice and facial hair will help eliminate that uncertainty. And I hope that I'll be fine with having wider hips because it's not something that will keep me from passing anymore. ...Is this making any sense?

I hope that I'll feel less depressed and have less anxiety once the testosterone really kicks in. I expect I have to work on it on a personal level as well, but I hope that the physical changes will be.... a breath of fresh air? Basically, I hope it will be that kick in the but that I so desperately need to get back on track.

FEARS about starting on testosterone?

I fear that the dysphoria I am experiencing before any changes will still be there after the changes. I fear it'll be like that stereotypic picture of an anorexic person looking at themselves in the mirror. Focusing on that thin layer of fat on their thighs or that little bulge where their pants hug their hips, even though they can count their ribs and their cheekbones are popping out. What if I'll never be satisfied with what I got. What if my dysphoria is mainly psychological and I only blame it on my physical appearance now, just because I can. I fear that testosterone won't alleviate any of my dysphoria.

Also related to dysphoria. What if testosterone DOES help me feel less dysphoric about my voice, face, hips, thighs, chest and anything else I may feel dysphoric about. I fear that I'm always going to have the same amount of dysphoria, but the distribution of it might shift. As I already pointed out, my main source of dysphoria is my butt, hips and thighs. If/when my body fat moves away from that area and eases up some of that dysphoria, what if that dysphoria just moves to a different part of my body? I do not have a lot of bottom dysphoria, what if that changes? What if that's where all my dysphoria will shift to? This makes me anxious.

In comparison, this seems very trivial, but I feel I won't like my new voice. I know it's stupid, but It has been on my mind.

And finally, I fear I won't be able to grow facial hair. I have wanted a beard since I was four, and not being able to grow any would really bum me out.

I don't really have any fears regarding health issues as of this moment in time. I feel confident in the care I am receiving from my doctor and my therapist. I'll go in regularly to draw blood to keep track on my t levels and my general health, and as long as I am doing that I'm not too worried about it.

So there's that.

[kegran]

Why Aren't You?

[kegran]

One week on testosterone

I lied. Great way to start our relationship, huh? It's actually been nine days, but who's counting? (Don't be fooled, I am absolutely counting!) In case anyone is reading this, first of all I am very surprised that you found this, but also: I am talking about my transition as a transguy. I was female assigned at birth, but it turns out they were wrong about that. I am male, no doubt, my body just didn't agree. I am trying to fix that. My first step to do so is hormone replacement therapy aka HRT, which in my case means to increase my body's testosterone levels in order to obtain more masculine features. For now I am doing so by applying Testo Gel every morning. If you have more questions about testosterone and being trans* I suggest you go to youtube or google and search for something like "ftm transition" and you'll find the answers to whatever questions you may or may not have. Be respectful!

I have been applying testosterone for nine days now. So far so good. I am starting out on a very low dose. Eventually my daily dose will be 50mg/day, but I'm starting out at 1/3 of that, so about 16.6mg/day and I'll be doing that for the first 4 weeks. Because I am starting out this carefully, I really didn't expect to see any changes in at least a month or two, but things are happening already. 

Emotional changes

This is where I am seeing the most changes... or... not seeing, but you know... I feel an enormous sense of relief, and it's making me feel more, just in general. When something is funny, it's more funny. When I feel happy, I feel more happy. When I feel annoyed I feel more annoyed. You get the gist of it... or maybe you don't? For over 6 years I have been so occupied with just being trans. It has taken up more and more and more space as time has passed and nothing was changing. Over time, transitioning has become almost like an obsession, and in a way, the only things I was able to feel strongly about were things related to my transition, only. It was taking up so much, that nothing else seemed nearly as important and therefore I wouldn't be invested in it nearly as much as I normally would. Everything else was just getting the leftovers, which there weren't much of. It is confusing, I know, but it's difficult to describe it any better.

Physical changes

There really is not much happening here. I'm grasping at straws, BUT there are a few straws to grasp at. Very first thing I noticed just after a couple of days was how much more often I feel the need to stretch. Especially my back and my legs. Don't know why... but that is definitely something new.

Second thing. I do feel something right below my chin. I know this for sure, because I have desperately been looking for the slightest hint of an adams apple for years. It's not something I can see and not huge changes, but it feels more firm.

Also something is happening to my voice, which have been observed by others, but I am 99.9% sure I am getting a cold. But 0.1% still deserves a mention.