the only difference between life and dying

one is trying, and that's all we're called to do. kendall ryan. 23. drummer. finding her own way.

[kendallryan]

noahsaddler‌:

“I am one with the dog hair,” Noah intoned, lips quirking in a smirk. “I accept it. I love it. I will rub it all over my clothes, and no one can stop me.” He was already chuckling before he even got to the end of the sentence.

As Watson aimed to give him more kisses, Noah accepted it heartily, turning his head this way and that to give him new, fresh face to loll with slobber. “Mm, I could watch just about anything, honestly. I love musicals. I love classics. I love romances. Dramas are okay, as long as they don’t have any, like, really gross shit in them.” Women being taken advantage of solely for angst grated on him far too much. “What’s your favorite movies? We could watch one.”

Watson rumbled away a few moments later, bringing a disappointed sound from Noah’s lips, and he laughed as he watched him jump to be closer to her. “I mean, let’s be honest, if I have to choose between me or you, I’d probably choose you too.” His eyes sparkled as he stared up at her from the floor, admiring her for another moment before he sat up with a groan. “Fuck, I’m sore from work.”

Kendall shook her head, but she was still smiling. Watson was not a huge shedder by any means, but she definitely had dog hair around the apartment - even found it in food, sometimes. Watson was having the time of his life, because Noah wasn’t pushing him away after only a few kisses. Kendall didn’t have many favorite movies - she watched TV shows more than a long movie - so she passed the choosing back over to Noah. Plus, she felt a little self conscious that those favorite movies she did have did not fall into those categories. “What’s one of your favorites? What about that Professor one you mentioned the other day?” She frowned, trying to think of the name. “Something with M. And Wonder Woman.” 

Kendall reached down to scratch behind Watson’s ear. “Hmm,” she said as he flirted again. “You should give yourself some more credit.” She dared to meet his eyes after she said this, and she felt something spark-like for a moment, until he tried to sit up. It scared her a little. “Is it because you’re getting old?” She teased, trying to distract herself from that feeling. “Also, linoleum has never been very forgiving.” She extended a hand to him to help him stand. 

[kendallryan]

nathaliaa-xo‌:

Nathalia gives Kendall an understanding smile. She knew that tone. She was a supermodel, she knew all about being in the limelight, especially when you didn’t want to be. It was as if you didn’t have a choice. It was one hell of a feeling to feel like you had no rights. ‘You signed up for this, now you have to deal with it,’ ; Nathalia can’t count how many times she’s heard this before. It was a very unfair statment for celebrities. “It’s crazy how quickly you can be thrusted into stardom, isn’t it? - How no one really gives you any time to breathe or catching your footing, you’re just… Throwning into the deep end and you’re expecting to swim all by yourself…” Nathalia wasn’t expecting to say all of that, but she had. It was out there now and she couldn’t take it back. After a quick moment, she figured these open-mouthed thoughts are safe with Kendall. “What do you mean? Once a drummer, always a drummer, right? At least, I think that’s how the saying goes. Something like that,” She grins playfully at the young woman. “It would be band practice if you aren’t pissing someone off, right? That’s neat! Sharing your talent and wise technics, and all. You’d make a great teachers,” Nathalia comments. Despite knowing the girl for less than ten minutes, she means that words that she has said.

Kendall lifted her gaze from the ground as Nathalia described exactly what it had felt like. The signing with a record label, the tour, the Grammy win... there was no guide to being famous, step-by-step instructions on how to stave the curiosities of others. "Yeah, it’s like they want you to drown. For the pictures. And the story.” She had never read the stories about herself after that attempt. She’d been tempted, but she didn’t want to read about the metaphorical water in her lungs after she’d just gotten her first few breaths of air. 

Kendall’s wall was coming down slightly, and she dared to smile back. “Something like that,” she repeated. It was nice to be affirmed in that, that she was still a drummer despite being separated from her band. Also, clearly Nathalia hadn’t read the stories about Kendall’s self harm, or she wasn’t going to bring it up. Which set her more at ease. “Thank you,” she said sincerely. “I just have a couple of kids as students right now, but it’s been nice. What do you do?” She asked, wanting to know why Nathalia seemed to totally understand the conundrum of fame. And why her face felt vaguely familiar, though that might be chalked up to their Catalina Island location.

[kendallryan]

elizcbethkennedy‌:

“Shit show?” Lizzie tried, eyes finding Kendall’s as she attempted to figure out the exact valence of her shit show. “And sometimes the best things in life are unplanned; I don’t think planning has anything to do with how well something goes.” She smiled, continuing to walk along to their destination. “Although — really, this island isn’t that exciting. And not that anonymous,” she lamented.

At Kendall’s question for herself, Lizzie hesitated, before putting on a smile again, though it was tighter, much more worn than her initial one. “Mm, I don’t know. I love teaching, don’t get me wrong — but it’s hard, sometimes, when I try to imagine a career, you know? I’d like to help people in some way, but I’m not sure what that looks like yet.”

“Shit show,” she repeated, with more conviction. “Loss of friends... etc.” She was about to go more into detail, but she didn’t want to drag the both of them down, or find herself in a depressive whirlpool she couldn’t get out of. “I feel like Type A personalities might disagree with that,” she joked. Kendall was no Type A, but rather a mixture of A and B. “I didn’t need something exciting; I just needed a slow down and reassess.” Kendall nodded in agreement. “Much smaller than my old town. I can’t imagine being from here, knowing everyone.”

“Yeah. It’s hard to imagine something lifelong.” Kendall was feeling that herself; there was no way she wanted to be a receptionist for the rest of her life, but she didn’t have a replacement for that. “I’ve been looking at the college on the island, but haven’t really done anything yet.”

[kendallryan]

mxrsbender‌:

“And you won’t be crying every time. Can assure you of that. Again, Kendall ― I’m here for you. To aid you. So if you call me one morning and decide you don’t want to talk at all, and would much rather ― I don’t know ― smash shit with baseball bats? I’d meet you there. With bats in tote. I’m not here to force you through anything ― just try my hand at making it all… easier.” Statement is trailed by a moderate nod of his head. A meager smile etching itself onto his tired features. “I do have scrabble, yeah. But if we’re being entirely candid here, I absolutely suck at it. Lose every single time. Without fail.”

“Ever done axe throwing? I’ve heard that’s a good stress reliever too,” she said dryly, hooking onto the opportunity to feel a little less like the emotional failure she was right this second. “I’m no English language expert either. Let’s go.”

END.

[kendallryan]

marionstewart‌:

She ought to get a larger shopping bag, one of these days. Her brother’s niche dietary choices had left her running to the grocery store more often than not, but Marion didn’t mind the extra legwork. Certainly not when the payoff was worth it; his company was far more tolerable when his mouth was full because the alternative was to tease her, unfailingly each and every time, as she entered their shared living room. 

Hayden had sent her off to buy something pretentious, some vegan chips whose brand name she couldn’t read. She trudged out of their house in a scoff, but as she’d walked along the grocery aisle, she’d picked out some needs of her own — her cereal containers needed some refilling, as did her dogs’ own food storage. Her brother was a blessing in disguise, in more ways than one, although he didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of being right. 

Waiting in line, her eyes unabashedly gazed at the other’s own selections. From the looks of it, the younger woman was similarly a dog mom, a fact that had brought her some delight. Her expression shifted to that of concern, however, as she heard the familiar ping of a card getting declined. It wasn’t until the third ping that she’d finally begun to pry. Walking several steps, she first shot the other a reassuring smile before shifting her full attention to the cashier in question. “It’s okay. You could charge it here, instead,” she replied, taking her debit card off her wallet and handing it over. 

The cashier had accepted it with slight hesitation, but after a moment’s thought, took the card and tapped it against the mechanism. Once that was settled, Marion looked over to the other, her own smile sheepish. “I hope you don’t mind my stepping in,” she began, her expression turning into that of worry, “it’s just — I’ve been in that situation before, and the result’s not always pretty, so I thought I’d help out.” 

Kendall was ready to tell the cashier to take the toy and the treats off, and if that didn’t work, she would take a further walk of shame and get a smaller bag of dog food. She couldn’t go back home with nothing to feed Watson. Her mind was rushing to figure out why she had been declined - surely she hadn’t spent that much money already, had she? People tended to think that if you’d attended (and won at) something like the Grammys, you didn’t worry about money, but the fact of the matter was Kendall didn’t make insane money off of their music. It was divided among the four of them, after all. 

Her panic about the situation was staved off by the sheer necessity surrounding getting through it, but when someone swooped in with their card and made the purchase, Kendall was stunned. She did it like she’d been planning to, like it wasn’t even anything. The possibility hadn’t even crossed her mind; she was barely acknowledging the other people around her because she knew she couldn’t handle it. The cashier put the toy and the treats in a bag, and laid the bag of dog food down for Kendall to grab. All at once, the panic and the relief hit her and her eyes welled up with tears. Kendall bit down on her cheek hard to stop the flow, and swallowed a big lump in her throat. 

“No, I don’t mind... thank you.” Her dignity minded, sure, but Kendall herself didn’t. “Thank you so much. I - thank you.” She was like a fucking broken record. Jesus. “I appreciate it, but my dog does more probably.” She was suddenly aware she was holding up the line, and Kendall quickly grabbed her one bag and the dog food, leaning it on her hip to support it. “Sorry, I’ll - um - get out of the way.” She started to walk away, but felt like she couldn’t. Thankfully, the woman was next, so the cashier was scanning her purchases while Kendall waited for her. 

[kendallryan]

text message → noah

Noah: Please, you deserved them all!

Noah: Not a romance thing, huh? Are you not much a romance kind of person?

Noah: I guess what I mean is like aro spectrum or just jaded lol

Kendall: Aro?

Kendall: I just don't usually seek it out. or there needs to be a friendship first? is there a word for that?

[feline-fronted-blog]

You’re making me feel happy. It’s weird and i don’t think its punk.

[owijaa]

You have such a February face, So full of frost, of storm, and cloudiness.

Don Pedro to Benedick, in Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing 5.4.41-42  (via yunoki)

[crows-rook]

[alexanderbarnes]

for: @kendallryan​ location: their apartment building scenario: drummer girl and ballad boy

He has such terrible music taste!

The words reached Ethan the minute he stepped into the apartment building. Passing two kids who immediately averted their eyes when they met his gaze, made Ethan raise an eyebrow at that exchange not knowing what to make of that, so he brushed it off and moved on. But then something caught his eye and demanded his attention. He was unaware that their building even had a notice board, the piece of paper with a warning tacked on the cork board could’ve easily been missed, if it hadn’t been for those kids. 

Scanning the words and additional comments Ethan could help but laugh, especially at the second note mentioning earplugs as a solution, he didn’t know who wrote that but he knew one person that would appreciate it. Taking a photo of it, he made a mental note to text it to Charlie later. Right now he had more pressing matters to address. Ethan would’ve been slightly offended if he hadn’t found the entire thing hilarious, that plus, he had already received countless complaints about playing music late into the night, the written insult wasn’t the worst thing thrown his was. How he could be blamed for paper thin walls was beyond him.

Carefully unpinning the notes, Ethan now made it his mission to find this drummer girl. She can’t have been on his floor, otherwise he would’ve heard. That left three more to go. He had a vague memory of hearing drums somewhere but wasn’t sure of the exact location. But he knew he had to find her, they were a pair now, even if it meant a pair of nuisances, Ethan was determined to track her down. He tried a couple doors but came up empty, then three doors down he struck gold. 

4B, if she’s about to play tell her to stop.

Ethan nodded but he would do no such thing, they were in this together, even if they had never met, he’d stand in solidarity no matter what. It didn’t take long for him to find her door, knocking on it rapidly he rocked back on his heels rather impatiently, waiting for the door to open.

“Kendall?” The surprise was clear in his voice once the face came into view, of all the people he was not expecting a friend, but it made the entire thing funnier than before. “Oh my god Kendall! You’re drummer girl?” Ethan questioned and instantly burst into laughter, “I can’t believe this, how come you’ve never told me this is where you lived?” 

[kendallryan]

Kendall knew she was not a great neighbor. Ever since the first complaint and police call, though, Kendall made it her mission to piss them off. Drumming was at least part of her livelihood, still; she did try to make it during times that people weren’t sleeping, at least. This person was frankly being a total bitch about it, and had never confronted Kendall directly. The most recent evidence of this was the note on the notice board. The only reason she’d noticed it is because no one used this board, and a new addition to it immediately caught her attention when she was taking Watson out for a walk one night. She barely noted that it called out someone else; it just made her pissed that this was yet another passive-aggressive way to deal with it. Ever since she saw it, she pointedly practiced. Every. Night. Both to be a bitch right back, and to let off some of that steam.

Watson sounded the alarm the moment he heard the knocking at the door; it was near his mealtime, so he had been staring at Kendall longingly and following her everywhere, hoping this was when she’d feed him. “Coming,” she called, slipping a sweatshirt a few sizes too big over her body - she was in a tank top and leggings. 

“Ethan?” She asked right back upon seeing him, wracking her brain to remember if she’d told him where she lived. But then, he called her by that nickname, and she noticed that freakin’ note in his hand. “You’re ballad boy?” she asked, unable to hold back her own giggles. “You never asked. How did we not know we live in the same building? Why have I never seen you? I take this monster out on walks all the time,” she said, gesturing to Watson, who had immediately taken to Ethan to sniff him and hijack some pets out of him. She stepped back, gesturing for him to come in. “I can’t believe we’re both the bane of our neighbors’ existences.”

[kendallryan]

ben-brody‌:

Ben nodded, reaching out to take the phone number from her.  It may have been bordering on flirtatious, but he didn’t really take it that way.  Of all the times he’d had this kind of an exchange, this one was the least aggressive or uncomfortable.  

“Yeah, that sounds good.  I’m wondering if maybe we can find you somewhere close by you could practice in peace.  Or if there’s a way to sound proof your apartment that could be cheap and easy.  I’ll look into it and see what I can come up with.”

“That’s a good idea,” she mused. “You know, I work at the music studio, but it’s never occurred to me to ask to use the space for practice. Though, it’s a pain to move my set.” That was one thing Kendall despised about the tour - the set up and take down. Of course, they had crew to do it - but she had a hard time trusting others with her instrument. “Text me if you find something! You better get back to the station before they suspect something. Thanks for being so lenient, Officer,” she said with a smirk. 

[dahlialyon]

special delivery for ; @kendallryan​

taken from ; VALENTINES ASK MEME

location ; cafe shop near little sprout studio

date ; february 14th, 2020

Little Sprout Studio was her nirvana. A safe space when Dahlia found herself slipping away due to the startling information of her health took her life over by storm. Not only did it further cause her to finish her Graduate program but then, vanishing into thin air as the twin circulated around the world. Anywhere her heart desired, she found a way to get herself there and spend a substantial amount of time-evolving as a human being who had a life-threatening illness that soon could provide complications for herself. It was a cloud of gloom that consumed her conscience. It was still something that caused her to live, but most importantly, evolve, into the woman that she was ─ although, far from the image that she wanted to be. When hearing about her father’s illness, all of her travelings had taken a place on the backburner as a one-way ticket to Catalina had been purchased yet again.  It had been two years since Little Sprout Studio was her possession and responsibility. Everything she studied long and rigorously for fell on the back-burner. Yale was an accomplishment. It was something she raved about. Even if it meant her degree was not put to any use, but working in the hospital every single day and being a patient at the hospital felt like the same scope to her. It was something she couldn’t do to herself. It’s why all of her time had been invested in her little corner of the world. All of the support from her parents and friends helped her to do the necessary remodels and bring her vision to life. It brought her an immense amount of contentment. Life was unpredictable. Lifes endeavors proved it to her first hand. This was the only love that she had especially in a town bursting with love because of one day a year ─ Valentine’s Day. 

Occupying a table outside of the coffee shop, the illumination of the sunrays above gave her the boost of energy to accomplish a few work-related things. All of it would mostly be everything for the Little Sprout spirit wear line. Just calculating numbers. Ordering new shipment. It was nothing engrossing but it made her pleased to see the turnout. Being a big fan of supporting local businesses, as she was one herself, the stygian tressed in a top-knot sipped on her espresso as someone approached her. Instantly setting the cup down on the napkin, she beamed proudly at the other. “Hi, Kendall. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Dahlia.” The angelic tone greeted the other, slipping her sunglasses on top of her head now to make proper eye contact with the other.  “Isn’t Lizzie the best?” Immediate in agreeing, all she could do was nod proudly at the younger Kennedy child. “I’m grateful to have her around and willing to help me out. I’d be lost without her.” And this was the truth. There were times when Dahlia could handle so much for her own sanity. Sometimes, she needed others to help out and trust them. “Would you like to sit down? I have no one joining me and I’d love to know of you, Kendall.” Extending the offer of her absent chair opposite of her. 

[kendallryan]

For a split second, Kendall’s brain reprimanded her for approaching this person with no prior meeting whatsoever. She convinced herself she was being a bother, she was clearly busy doing something, and what if she was waiting for someone? It was Valentines. Her anxiety held no mercies for Kendall herself; it was ruthless. All of these thoughts sped through her mind, but they barely showed on her face in the form of a small frown.

Dahlia proved that anxiety wrong, as she was as pleasant as pleasant could be. Her coffee was immediately set aside so her attentions could be focused on Kendall. She appreciated the sunglasses move, because seeing her eyes and the expression they held made it easier to tell her anxiety to go fuck off. Her frown turned into a soft smile as she praised Lizzie - Kendall had a mind to agree, even though her interactions with her had been few so far. Lizzie didn’t strike her as someone who had it together, but her energy made Kendall feel like they could. 

“Are you sure?” Kendall asked, hesitating before pulling out the chair and sitting down on the edge of it. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you. It was just... nice, I guess, to go to the class. It helped with my mood,” she explained clumsily, wherein ‘mood’ was code for ‘mental illness’; it was mainly the anxiety that got quelled by yoga, but it did give her a burst of motivation that busted through the depression, too. She clutched her own drink and bounced her knee under the table nervously. 

“I, um. I’m newish to Catalina,” she offered in response to Dahlia wanting to know her. Kendall wasn’t about to give up her life story to what was an essential stranger, but she could let some things slip by. “How long have you owned the studio?”

[eternal-evolution]

Visit Original Link

Marina and the Diamonds - Rootless

[facelesssnaps]

late night silhouettes by Chelsie A. Olivieri on Flickr.

[kendallryan]

nathaliaa-xo‌:

Watson reaches out to Nathalia, extending the same gentleness to her. That made her feel a lot better in the creatures presences. The model disliked the fact that she was so afraid of dogs, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t willing to get to know the animal. It was also just the previous excitment from the pup when he was jumping all over the place that caused her to become nervous. After a moment of allowing Watson to sniff her hand, Nathalia awkwardly patted to top of his head. There was no real comfort in the movement, but she was just getting both herself and Waton used to touch before laying her palm on the dogs head, and slowly moving backward, flattening his ears. She smiles when his tail begins to wag uncontrollably.

Looking up, Nathalia realizes the shift in the other woman’s energy and her smiles falters for a moment. “Oh, yeah.” The name of the band was actually very familiar to Nathalia. Having been in L.A for most of her life, she was able to keep her eyes open for upcoming arists and bands. Tacenda was one of those bands. “I’ve been to one of your concerts.“ Nathalia says, pushing herself to her full height. "It was a long time ago and I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t know who you guys were at the time… But, you were on the drums, right?” She asks, eyes narrowing in thought as she tries to recall the memory from so long ago. “Yeah, you were good. Really good. Well, I’m sure you still are.”

Watson was clearly thrilled that Nathalia was reaching for him; so much so that the excitement in his tail was leaking into the rest of his body. Kendall recognized this, and held his leash taut, murmuring his name in a warning tone. He wasn’t always the best at listening - he had, you might say, selective hearing at best - but he seemed to hear her now. 

Kendall tried to muster a smile, but it didn’t come; her expression stayed neutral as Nathalia talked about her past experience with them. Fans were a big, big reason she didn’t want to be in the spotlight. She hated the thought of being talked about, of people searching for information about her they had no right in knowing. But it was clear Nathalia wasn’t one of those. “Still cool that you came. That’s okay,” she said with a quiet laugh. “A few years ago no one knew us.” And she wished it was still so. “Yeah. I was the drummer. I’d like to think I am,” she said wistfully, choosing the words carefully and placing an unintended emphasis on was. “I drive my one neighbor a bit insane with my practicing, I think. And I’ve been giving lessons.” 

[alexanderbarnes]

—- FOUND ON THE NOTICE BOARD OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING IN LAFAYETTE SQUARE

Main note reads:

HEY!  drummer girl and ballad boy do us all a favor and SHUT THE (illegible word) UP!

Also noticeable:

calling out ballad boy for poor music taste

note left by a frustrated cat owner written in all caps

expletive crossed out by a concerned parent along with a stern face

Additional note:

Hearing people are weird. You’d think y'all would have some kind of easy solution to this. Like, I don’t know. Earplugs. 

[kendallryan]

nck-flanagan‌:

Ah, that made sense. Misplaced, he hadn’t thought too hard about drinking the few hours before having startled Kendall. He snorts into a laugh as she jabs at his poor attempt of a disguise, clapping as he bounces back into his seat. Catching his breath, he laments, “My safety shawl. Don’t listen to her, you served me well.”  He gasps to her sarcasm, planting fingers against the chest. “Excuse you, I wasn’t snubbed.” He grins easily “I was never invited. ‘Nother party to crash to try and prove my single dollar’s worth.”

Nick sibilates a quiet snicker as he flips open the menu in front of him and crawls through the options quickly. “Not yet,” His eyes dart up to her and he grins again, “It’s an honest and good hunt, but - ” He huffs and flaps his hand, “Y’know, I don’t think you’re wrong. Not sure if I’ll ever get used to the high-class lookin’ areas. They’re fun to be a tourist of, sure, but the idyllic life is what I know best.” As he glances between the soups and fish and chips, he hums in confirmation and nods. “Only a few days. Had no idea that masquerade was happening in town. Probably would’ve tried crashing it anyway.” He plants his arms atop of the table, folding the menu closed as he commits to a dish. “How ‘bout you? Are you a born and bred local?”

Kendall snickers. “You couldn’t part with that shawl, could ya? Did it come home with you?” She had a fuzzy memory of that shawl at best, but she did know it reminded her of something her grandmother wore to church when she’d drag Kendall along. “Isn’t that a snub too? To not be invited?” 

She smiles to the side, nodding in agreement. “It is way too luxurious for me sometimes. I bet you could find a Hawaiian shirt for a couple thousand, maybe,” she says sarcastically (but not quite completely joking). A few clothing stores she’d wandered into she’d wandered right back out after getting a glance at a tag. “Damn, you have some good timing there.” She couldn’t help but laugh some at his question about her being a local; she felt so far from it that the very idea sounded absurd. “No. I only have a few months on you. Still feel just as out of place. Except - “ she gestured around her. “The few restaurants and cafes I’ve scoped out. You can always count on food, right?”