im still not over Jordan Kennedy.
the exterminator that crawled through endless tunnels smothered in ants forced to become one with them. when exactly did Jordan become part of the colony, truly? was it when he was metamorphosed, when Jon took him and made him something else, or was it when he could not tell where his limbs ended and the rolling tide of insects began? was it when he first arrived at Amherst’s house and followed, of his own conscious volition, the ants inside? there is so little we truly know about Jordan besides what he becomes.
he asks Jon, “am i still me?” and there is no answer to that. is Jordan still Jordan? is the butterfly still the caterpillar? is the ship of theseus still the same ship if it has been remade? do we, the audience, even know Jordan? what do we know about him beyond the fact he was an exterminator, knew more than the average person about the supernatural, and was kind enough to give Jon peace of mind but not kind enough to resist being an avatar when given the option of going back to innocence.
as Jordan speaks you can hear an agitated buzzing of what can only be insect wings–he is now the queen ant he has been desperately searching for, the sole being that controls and colony and feeds off the fear they cause. Jordan is remade into the very thing he feared with every part of his soul. he feels sick and wrong and unfathomably different, but he still cannot deny how good it feels to no longer be the scared one.
when given the choice to go back to being an innocent victim, he vehemently says no. he was in hell and he still is, but no longer the one being tortured. Jon equally saves him and damns him. how could he go back? how could he willingly choose to be relentlessly tortured, drowning in his own fear and so, so, many ants? to think that there are some people who would choose to not be an avatar makes Jordan all the more interesting. he didn’t ask for this, he does not want to be an avatar in any way, but in the end he still cannot fathom being anything else. anything is better than the ants, even if it means inflicting that fear onto countless others. it’s a completely unfair choice but he makes it all the same.
Jordan did not want this, but like Jon and the Eye, he chooses it.
and Jon’s decision here, to make someone into something new completely against their will. time and time again, we see the Eye manifesting as a betrayal of consent. Elias makes Jon into the Archivist against his knowledge and will, Jon cuts the bullet out of Melanie while she’s asleep, Jon and Elias seeing the secrets and pasts of others, and finally Jon turning Jordan into an avatar. the true horror of the Watcher is this betrayal and breach of consent. being perceived and watched is fine if you agree to it, if you share a secret willingly and gladly, and even the most horrific knowledge is best processed when prepared for it. but the Eye does not ask–Jon does not ask. he takes Jordan and remakes him and calls it mercy. not only has Jordan been utterly remade, forced to feed off the very fear he once experienced, it was never a choice he had any real say in. not when it mattered.
i can’t help but wonder if Jon’s words were true. when Jordan says he doesn’t know how to scare people, Jon says, “you’ll learn,” which holds an almost uncanny resemblance to how Elias answered his own questions. Jon learned how to scare people and most of all, he learned to like it. Jon, like Jordan, didn’t want to be an avatar but he did choose it, in the end.
i can’t help but wonder if over time, Jordan accepted that he was a part of the colony. when the world was reset, i wonder if he missed the ants even as he hated himself for it? did they make him feel loved like how the wasps loved Jane? could he hear their singing? did he finally understand Jane, the being that had haunted his nightmares? did he ever feel whole again, without the trillions upon trillions of ants crawling through his tunnel-like veins? did he have to learn to walk without the weight of wings?
when the world was set right, what happened to Jordan? did he go back to being the same Jordan before the tunnels, before becoming the leader of the colony, or was he a piece of something that was once whole and never can be again?
Jon tells Jordan “i helped you,” but did he really? he saved him from his torment but brought upon him one that, all things considered, might be even worse.
