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@keplerswhisky
“A man with charm is a very dangerous thing.”
an independent canon & headcanon based portrayal of colonel warren kepler from the audio drama wolf 359. crossover friendly. asks are always open. both short interactions and longer threads welcome.
⤷ penned by Gray, 19, CST
Me again with the shameless self-promo BUT this one’s worth it, I promise. I’ve been wanting to get more into writing again, and now that the semester’s over, I can finally spend more time on it.
And this absolutely means I’ll be writing nothing but mostly wholesome SI-5 fics because I can’t get enough of them, they own my heart and soul.
Also shoutout to @illuminatefucker for the Maxwell help!
i'm not sure if you have an ooc/non-rp tag so you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. however i just want to say it did make me double take seeing you like the minkowski post i made a few days ago. like Holy shit Warren Kepler supports my Planking motivation methods
HI SORRY!! I have no idea how I didn’t see this ask, it’s so old I’m so sorry. But yes I remember and I 100% support your methods and I’m sure Kepler would too. I’d use them myself if I didn’t hate planks with my entire soul. Are you still doing them? I am in awe of you if you are btw
is it in good quality? no... im posting in the Most convoluted fashion. but also it isnt generative ai so i win.
anyhows maxwell from w359 in an rp au where i poke her repeatedly with a sharp stick <3
freed by the realization that i actually Dont have to do lineart if i dont Want to. crazy. i know.
Enlil! Good to hear from you again, old pal. Keeping busy? How are things going on your end?
We haven’t had time to catch up in a while, huh?
- @keplerswhisky
Oh! Hello, Colonel Kepler, sir!
Yes, I am keeping busy as I can be, and things are going well! It seems you've been busy, too, what with the promotion and everything! How are things as a colonel?
Things are going well. Keeping my two agents in line, you know how it is. Lots of work, like usual, but new insignias are always nice.
Say, Enlil, you’re a popular guy. Anything interesting happen around Goddard lately? I’ve been buried in reports; I haven’t had time to hear the latest news.
Captain! Long time no see. Still alive and kicking? I’d hate for Minkowski to have all the fun.
Yep, I’m still here, Minkowski doesn’t get to have all the fun alone
Good to hear! Good...to...hear. I must say, I was starting to miss the constant insubordination.
(He pauses for a second.)
You know...now that I think about it, you never did give me that rematch.
(Another beat passes.)
Chess, Captain. Though, I can admit, it's been quite a while since I've had a decent sparring partner.
Eiffel! Working hard or hardly pretending to work? I could hear you slacking off from three decks away.
Ohdeargod—
Colonel Kepleeerrr…! How,, convenient to find you checking up on me right after launching this… totally professional and in line with our mission objectives thing that I’m doing!
Yyyyep… tooootally working on something like that! Which was… what am I supposed to be doing again, exactly?
Whaaaat? I’m totally being purposeful! I just mean— y’know, you’re the one that gives the orders around here, maybe I just… need a refresher! Because—! I have… so many… things I’m on top of?
Hmm. On top of. Of course.
You know what, Eiffel? You're a good man. I like you. And because I like you, I'm going to give you another chance to answer me and avoid a fate so profoundly unpleasant it’d make a cartel execution video look like child's play.
Tell me: when your commanding officer walks in and finds you wasting our oxygen supply with your pointless yammering, what is the correct thing to say?
Or, in terms that might be simpler for you to comprehend, why is it that you're not monitoring our comms and screening incoming signals like I specifically asked you to hours ago?
(An overqualified man tasked with menial work is heard clearing his throat through the comms. Some light punishment from a superior, no doubt.)
2010. Goddard Futuristics Special Outreach Log #68075
U.S.S. Hephaestus Station, this is Canaveral. Captain Kepler speaking. We received your transmission some time ago. Is everything in order?
Authentication code: Hotel-Yankee-Delta-Romeo-Alpha.
(An overworked man who has been tasked with work he finds highly important sits up straight; called to attention)
Communications Officer Samuel Lambert, responding. Confirmation code accepted. Everything is as in order can be expected with Captain Lovelace in charge. How are things back on Earth?
And, Captain Kepler, if you don't mind my asking, why are you the one sending out communications? You aren't usually the one we are contacted by from Command.
Yes, sir, things are operational. The crew is... functioning. I still think things could be better, though.
And, with all due respect, Captain, I think that this should be a high priority. As Pryce and Carter Tip 998 says, "Exactitude is a virtue", and while it may be annoying to you and others on my crew, the D.S.S.P.P.M. should be followed with exactitude.
(The man has to fight to suppress a sigh. Suddenly, he too can understand the crew's opinion on Lambert.)
Well, Officer, if you're that concerned about following the manual, I'd advise you to heed Tip 61: "you never know when you'll need to rely on your team."
If I were you, I'd be trying real hard to get them to like me.
Eiffel! Working hard or hardly pretending to work? I could hear you slacking off from three decks away.
Ohdeargod—
Colonel Kepleeerrr…! How,, convenient to find you checking up on me right after launching this… totally professional and in line with our mission objectives thing that I’m doing!
Yyyyep… tooootally working on something like that! Which was… what am I supposed to be doing again, exactly?
Oh, I don't know. Why don't you tell me, communications officer?
Though, if your official duties now include loitering, whining, and whatever...this is, then I may have seriously overestimated your purpose for this mission. Other than being a pain in my ass, of course.
Truly, Jacobi, I apologize. If I’d known it was so important to you, that video never would have seen the light of day.
- @keplerswhisky (set at some point shortly before No Complaints)
I’m sure it wouldn’t have.
I’m being serious. Contrary to what you seem to believe, Mr. Jacobi, I am not, in fact, out to get you.
Miss Young, how…pleasant to see you. As always.
Ah Warren. You are… here. Lucky me…
Can I help you? Or are you simply making your… delightful presence known?
Gracious? Now why would I be gracious for anyone that doesn’t deserve it? And what have /you/ done for such a thing?
What have I done? Are you serious?
Have you forgotten where you come from, Miss Young? Who was here before you?
no one can even enjoy The Character anymore on account of the exams
Miss Young, how…pleasant to see you. As always.
Ah Warren. You are… here. Lucky me…
Can I help you? Or are you simply making your… delightful presence known?
Oh, I’d hope so.
Hm? Do you really think that’s all I do? Warren, most of my days are spent travelling the world for meetings and dinners. I’m very happy.
Are they, now? That's a surprise! With such an easy life, one would expect you to be more...gracious. But to each their own, Miss Young.
Hello Warren.
I hope you are enjoying the new phone. Shame what became of the last one. I need to have a word with you. I know you are in the building, so I imagine you will not be long.
P.S. The Unit for the elevator is currently offline. So you will be getting some healthy exercise and using the stairs.
(@goddard-communications)
Morning, Mr. Cutter. I'll be there right away, sir.
What a way to start the day.
Funny how a simple text was enough to make Kepler's heart drop to his stomach. As concerned eyes scanned over the screen of his new Goddard-issued phone, pure dread filled the head of the usually unshakeable Colonel: this cannot be good.
Kepler left his office like a well-trained dog; no need to tell him twice. The elevator didn't work, yet he still checked himself in the mirror that was right across from it: neat hair, perfect teeth, pristine uniform. Presentable was an understatement.
On his way to Cutter's office—up so many flights of stairs that he was convinced the inconvenient placement was intentional—Kepler's mind ran through every single possible scenario he could come up with, as well as all the reasons Cutter could have to summon him like that.
Texts were not the best tone-wise, but judging from the way Cutter had written that one, this wasn't an overly joyous occassion.
Not ten minutes after replying to the message, the Colonel gave two knocks on the door. Enough to make sure they were heard, not enough to be irritating.
Surely this was just a misunderstanding? He would be fine. And it would do him good to stop being so jittery around his boss.
@goddard-communications
His eyes narrowed into a smiley squint, akin to the way someone would when looking at a pet.
He drank about half of his own chai in one gulp, "A few things actually. This is more of a catch up than anything. We both have been too busy for the office for awhile."
He moves to his chair and falls into it, crossing one leg over the other as he leaned back.
"How was that last mission? I know it got a little...dicey but, seems your team figured it out." Another sip and a soft breath, "they always do."
That much was true. Between missions and the paperwork for said missions, Kepler had barely had a moment to breathe.
He watched carefully as his boss turned and walked away, tracking the man’s easy movements as he reached his chair. Choosing to follow, Kepler approached Cutter's desk, yet he did not take a seat in one of the chairs across from the man. Instead, he stood at ease, right before him. The cup was in his hand still—he'd barely taken a sip—and he couldn't wait to set it on the table.
"The mission was completed successfully, sir, as expected," Kepler replied. It was stiff, official, so rehearsed that it was almost painful. "These situations are the SI-5's area of expertise. My agents' performance was outstanding, and every objective was achieved."
Suddenly, he wasn't so quiet anymore. Anything to protect his people, after all.
Miss Young, how…pleasant to see you. As always.
Ah Warren. You are… here. Lucky me…
Can I help you? Or are you simply making your… delightful presence known?
Aren’t I just. Haven’t you missed our little chats?
Oh? Oh, I’ve been reading. It all just seems… boring. You don’t get up to anything interesting, these days, Warren.
Every second of every day, obviously.
Boring? That’s one way to put it. But I’m sure being on the field is nowhere near as exciting as Excel sheets and personnel reports, Miss Young. Special Projects gets all the action.
Hello Warren.
I hope you are enjoying the new phone. Shame what became of the last one. I need to have a word with you. I know you are in the building, so I imagine you will not be long.
P.S. The Unit for the elevator is currently offline. So you will be getting some healthy exercise and using the stairs.
(@goddard-communications)
Morning, Mr. Cutter. I'll be there right away, sir.
What a way to start the day.
Funny how a simple text was enough to make Kepler's heart drop to his stomach. As concerned eyes scanned over the screen of his new Goddard-issued phone, pure dread filled the head of the usually unshakeable Colonel: this cannot be good.
Kepler left his office like a well-trained dog; no need to tell him twice. The elevator didn't work, yet he still checked himself in the mirror that was right across from it: neat hair, perfect teeth, pristine uniform. Presentable was an understatement.
On his way to Cutter's office—up so many flights of stairs that he was convinced the inconvenient placement was intentional—Kepler's mind ran through every single possible scenario he could come up with, as well as all the reasons Cutter could have to summon him like that.
Texts were not the best tone-wise, but judging from the way Cutter had written that one, this wasn't an overly joyous occassion.
Not ten minutes after replying to the message, the Colonel gave two knocks on the door. Enough to make sure they were heard, not enough to be irritating.
Surely this was just a misunderstanding? He would be fine. And it would do him good to stop being so jittery around his boss.
@goddard-communications
Cutter simply hummed.
His eyes snaked up and down before he tilted his head.
And then, he just turned and walked towards his desk.
"I'm sure you're thirsty after that walk, apologies for that, the unit decided it enjoyed locking people in the elevator, Miranda is working on shifting it towards our training units. Shouldn't be long until she finds something to shove in there."
He seemed... happy? It was impossible to tell, but he was softly laughing at his own jokes.
He went over to his wet bar, and began pouring two cups of chai.
"You're not on The Board, so I imagine I don't need to do much else in terms of pleasantries. So..."
He walked back and held out a cup for the other
"Drink up and we'll get to business. Hmm?"
The thing about Cutter, even after all these years, was that Kepler couldn’t quite figure him out completely.
He knew the basics and then some more, of course. For an agent like Kepler, trained so thoroughly and with so much experience, it was natural to learn to read most people like an open book. But Marcus Cutter was different, and he was nothing like regular people (whether for better or for worse), and Kepler still often found himself doubting his next moves when dealing with his boss.
“It was no problem at all, Mr. Cutter,” the Colonel assured, just like he was meant to do. Like he always would, even if Cutter made him run laps around the building before going to his office. Never inconvenienced, always eager. As he should.
For that same reason, when he found himself with a cup in his hand, the Colonel brought the drink to his lips despite his lack of fondness for chai.
Sweet and biting at the same time, just like the man who prepared it.
“Is there…” he paused, overthinking his words, “anything I can do for you, sir?”
(An overqualified man tasked with menial work is heard clearing his throat through the comms. Some light punishment from a superior, no doubt.)
2010. Goddard Futuristics Special Outreach Log #68075
U.S.S. Hephaestus Station, this is Canaveral. Captain Kepler speaking. We received your transmission some time ago. Is everything in order?
Authentication code: Hotel-Yankee-Delta-Romeo-Alpha.
(An overworked man who has been tasked with work he finds highly important sits up straight; called to attention)
Communications Officer Samuel Lambert, responding. Confirmation code accepted. Everything is as in order can be expected with Captain Lovelace in charge. How are things back on Earth?
And, Captain Kepler, if you don't mind my asking, why are you the one sending out communications? You aren't usually the one we are contacted by from Command.
Yes, sir, things are operational. The crew is... functioning. I still think things could be better, though.
And, with all due respect, Captain, I think that this should be a high priority. As Pryce and Carter Tip 998 says, "Exactitude is a virtue", and while it may be annoying to you and others on my crew, the D.S.S.P.P.M. should be followed with exactitude.
I agree that it should be, Officer, but the crew of the Hephaestus doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to optimal performance.
(In his head, the more accurate phrasing is ‘can’t expect much from an incompetent bunch.’)
And, frankly, all I see here is one member of the crew being critical of a commanding officer without any support whatsoever from his fellow crewmates.
