𝖑𝖆𝖗𝖈𝖎𝖓

𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝔀𝓸𝓻𝓭𝓼

[ketabby]

im sure somebody knew

but no one would take them seriously

im sure somebody knew

but was too afraid to speak

im sure somebody knew

but thought that they could do something

and im sure somebody knew

exactly how this would play out

[ketabby]

it's incredible the ways someone can still touch your life in new ways even years after they're gone

you aren't even dead. you just acted like we were dead to you even though we were the last ones left defending you. even after all you did. after all we shared, and we had to disavow you

and to think i took for granted briefly what you gifted us, and let things get piled up and buried and am unearthing now, though digitally.

i saw what happened to you online. you posted about it. and now days later here i am finding the live rendition of ketto buried in a crate on a hard drive in a folder that was a backup of one of the drives you made for us originally. although it's funny that you said you had all of clozee's work because i didn't discover her 2012 (and best) album until long after you left.

I never heard the live version of ketto before. im listening to it now. another track i didnt discover until after. but an artist i have loved for years before. i dont think he remembers saying it to me the night of that fucked up party for hethy in the house you used to live in when i starting playing my mix, "do you get it now? it all comes back to drum and bass"

but he did

and it does

and i think i get it now

[ketabby]

a cassiope on a plastic beach

[ketabby]

a melody from the music box trickles downstream, washed over stones through estuaries to the ocean, ascending to the cosmos a deeper tone set free by a hand on metal

[ketabby]

i feel

that i have lived enough summers for a lifetime, or many lifetimes

it used to be the thing that i lived for, most looked forward to, dreamt about and craved

but now i feel that i would rather skip it all together

the weather gets warmer, and warmer still than ever before, my health declines and i can't handle things like i used to

we slave away year round for those who don't value our lives

im thinking i only loved summer for the freedom it brought as a child, the break from school, those awful institutions

but now there are no breaks, i would rather bundle up in autumn, at least i don't have to pretend to be happy in her melancholy embrace

[mournfulroses]

Tove Ditlevsen, from a poem featured in There Lives a Young Girl in Me Who Will Not Die: Selected Poems

[ketabby]

we could be fireflies in the snow

[ketabby]

nightmarishly bright today

like the apocalyptic sun that rose in my dreams

like the searing star that illuminates demise played on a loop

ever repeating, ever warping, ever decaying, but never ceasing

the sun is bright in the world today like the sun is bright in my dreams

but not the welcoming or embracing warmth you expect on a midspring day

but a harsh light that cuts through haze without a semblance of comfort or hope

blue peaks through the clouds as if a desperate attempt at reprise

a struggling desire for respite

a wish for a vicious wind to sweep through quickly

as if delivering a final blow

to wipe away the wounds of winter

and leave us with a warm place to rest

sometimes i truly prefer the rain

[inlovewiththenights]

[ketabby]

i had forgotten...we used to call that place the performance area. it must have been before the world around me beat into me that i was different and no one would want to see me if they didn't have to. we'd climb the trees and jump off the swing over the hill and crash into bushes and the ground, but get up like it was nothing. imagining a fall like that now makes me twinge.

did we not feel the impact? the bruises and scratches not even registering. not noticing them until a parent or friend pointed them out, never feeling it. or maybe it was for that brief moment in the air, not locked to the earth. almost like flying, a moment of freedom.

i had forgotten that we used to call that place the performance area. because for most of my life i couldn't fathom being a performer of any kind, other than the pitiful attempts at acting like a normal person nearly my whole life.

but i could never dress normal. couldn't bring myself to find a label or a style or put myself in one box. had plenty of recurring motifs, but why would you self impose limits? it becomes subconscious after a while when the world constantly tries to impose them on you. but self expression has always been of core importance to me

these days i perform less for social expectations. i try to be a decent person, but i could never bend over backwards to conform, and that's true even more so now. these days i perform for the love of art, my art is the performance - in many ways. it is expression and reflection, grief and release, and love. sending out hope and a prayer to the universe and unfathomable cosmos that the love i feel can reach someone else, illuminate somewhere else, bring an ounce of peace or comfort or joy.

all i have is love and hope. if i can radiate nothing else in this little life of mine, let it be that. despite all the pain i've felt and what's yet to come, let it be that.

[wanderingsins]

[ketabby]

briefly,

before my breath caught in my throat (another sullen winter day in this mundane office job)

i caught the scent of petrichor and my mind bloomed with green

through the window past the parking lot, the whooshing of freeway traffic through empty branches

but i was transported elsewhere

where melodies and insects alike hummed in warm humid air

through hazy sunglow that peaks its head through as it dips beneath the horizon, setting drifting storm clouds ablaze

a distant place with blurred edges and undefined boundaries, but all made up of love

[ketabby]

2026 commune with the earth through low frequency vibrations

[hollowmaison]

A love that endures and accumulates

[ketabby]

a hush settles over my soul with the snow that blankets our home

dims but barely quiets my thoughts, muffled voices through walls

already a sadness and longing for spring or summer, warmth and the sunshine and winds that don't sting

it seems to come quicker every year, but also so deepens my resolve to push through, to survive, to come out of the cold and emerge in the sunlight

to walk freely those places inhabited by nature or art, to exist in the world and feel peace

[ketabby]

moon light the way,

saltwater graves

[ketabby]

ancient carnal ritualistic goddess