Kevin Complains

A man and his thoughts.

[kevincomplains]

Can the Seahawks Win Another Title Now That Russell Wilson Has Had Sex?

A lot of question marks surrounding the 2016 Seahawks. Will the offensive line hold up? Will Thomas Rawls’ ankle be ready to go week one? Is Jimmy Graham healthy? The Seahawks will be a good team this season, there’s no debate there. But these lingering questions are what will separate this Seahawks squad from being a good team and being a championship team. Unfortunately, there’s a bigger question here that’s not being asked; can the Seahawks win another title now that Russell Wilson has had sex? I’m not a math guy, but I am a sabermetrics guy, and all we can look at here are the numbers. There’s a handful of notable athletes who’ve held out on sex until marriage, and it doesn’t look good.

Athlete                     Virgin Titles                Marriage                      Post-Sex Titles

Philip Rivers                 N/A                             2001                            0

Beth Hamilton              7                                 2013                            1

AC Green                     3                                 2002                            0

Kaka                             1                                2005                            0

Collin Klein                  N/A                             2012                            0

Michael Redd              0                                 2006                            0

Prince Amukamara      1                                 2014                           0

Tim Tebow                   2                                 N/A                             0

Lolo Jones                  4                                  N/A                             0

Russell Wilson            1                                  2016                            TBD

TOTAL                       19                                                                    1

 Look, these are advance stats and I get that some people don’t like fancy pants math mixing with their grit. But numbers don’t lie. It will be a remarkable feat if the Seahawks and Russell Wilson can overcome their division, their conference, and god’s wrath for giving into lust. Don’t “well actually” me with “this is Saint Russ’ second marriage” either. He declared celibacy a second time with Ciara and that voids his first virginity. It’s called second virginity. Ever heard of the bible? 2016 could prove to be a tough year for the NFL’s walking friend zone. Can’t play the humble card and go around throwing your sex in everyone’s face Russ. Be a regular guy, one time.

[kevincomplains]

David Backes Admits Steroid Use, Calls Himself Adam Banks

"You see a lot of true character in your guys when they’re tested and ya know, binding together like we did against a heck of a Chicago team. It gets to a Game 7 and we come outta there, play a high flying Dallas team and it goes to a Game 7 and we come outta there and uh, ya know, he’ll kill me for telling you this story but, Game 5 I’m not feeling well and um, Steve Ott brings me um, something to help me feel better and knowing that he’s the guy coming outta the line up if I can play… that's pretty selfless. And that’s the kinda guys we have in here, just stories like that. Guys blocking shots and sacrificing their bodies it’s uh, it’s tough to swallow but you know that the heart’s in here the ability’s in here we just came up short.”

source: http://fox2now.com/2016/05/26/blues-captain-david-backes-emotional-after-season-ending-loss/

A lot to unpack here. Love the sorry not sorry Steve Ott story. “He’d never want you to know this really nice thing about him but I’m gonna tell you anyway. Steven Bradley Ott. Ever heard of him? I was sick and he cured me even knowing that would bench him.” 

What in the hell did Ott bring him that the trainers couldn’t bring him? Tea? A lucky trinket? A picture of his 22 dogs? Is Ott some kind of aboriginal medicine man now? Too sick for trainers to figure it out but Captain Ron shows up with his bag o goodies and you’re back in the lineup? A lot of question marks here and I hope the league takes a good long look at this cause it definitely sounds like STEROIDS to me. Backes is basically throwing their blatant cheating in our faces and just laughing at the rest of the league. Really shameful move. As if that isn’t enough to digest we’ve got the story itself which is basically Backes telling us Ott pulled a Charlie Conway by taking himself out of the lineup to make room for Backes which makes Backes the Adam Banks in this scenario and fine if you want to shit on the league with your secret remedies but leave Americana alone. Banks was never out there grandstanding this and that with what a great guy Conway is cause actions speak louder than words and we knew Charlie was the soul of that squad. Didn’t need to be told.  Banks was a background guy. Played his god damned heart out and never ruffled a feather. Pretty sure Backes’ post game soliloquy was more screen time than Banks had in three films. This just screams of a desperate PR move to get the fans in Ott’s corner and if there’s one thing Americans don’t need any more of it’s being told who to get behind. I think we’re totally capable of making those decisions ourselves.

[kevincomplains]

Frank Turner Bans Sexual Predators From Shows, Saves Music

I’ve been enjoying my time off the road, especially the show on Friday night in Brixton at the Electric. It was great to play “England Keep My Bones” in full, to see a lot of friendly faces, and to raise a bunch of cash for CALM and the Music Venue Trust. A good night all round.

After the show, I received more than one email from women who’d been at the show who said they’d had bad experiences with harassment from guys in the crowd. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about this happening at my shows, and I wanted to just say a quick something about this issue. Raising awareness of this kind of behaviour strikes me as important. I want my shows (and, I’d hope, others too) to be welcoming places, where everyone can relax, enjoy themselves, be part of the show, make friends. As a man, I don’t have direct experience of being on the receiving end of sexually inappropriate behaviour at shows. In fact, I find it almost impossible to conceive that it happens – I would never, ever behave like that to a woman in any context, and I like to think none of my friends would either. So I suppose the first person whose awareness needs raising is mine. It’s actually really fucking dumb that I have to spell this out, but if you’re the kind of guy who has ever behaved like that towards a woman in any context, I’d like you to do two things: firstly, just be a fucking human, consider yourself in the other person’s shoes, ask yourself if you could defend your actions if publicly called out in front of your friends, your family, the whole crowd. And secondly, if that first part didn’t work, I’d like you to *fuck off and never come to any of my shows again*. Seriously. The idea of this shit happening in my crowd, at my shows, makes me feel enraged. People like that are not welcome at my shows. If it happens to anyone again, please try and alert me, or one of my band or crew, or the bouncers. These fuckers need shaming. There is no possible excuse, including alcohol. In the meantime, check out and follow people like Girls Against and Safe Gigs For Women. I hope this is a blog I never have to write again. Peace.(source:http://frank-turner.com/2016/05/15/safe-gigs-for-women/)

Wow, this guy is really taking it to the bad guys. “Guess what SEXUAL PREDATORS- you are officially NOT WELCOME at my shows.” Way to take a stand. Absolute hero move. What about murderers? Thieves? How about arsonists? “Look I can’t believe I even have to say this but I hate murderers. Put yourself in someone that’s been killed’s shoes. And if you can’t do that….FUCK OFF and *never* come to my shows again.” Extremely strong take. I’ll be honest, I have no idea who this guy is and when I first saw his name I thought it was the singer of the Arctic Monkeys. Quick little google brought me to another article about him. One where he receives “over 100” death threats a day for his “political opinions.” Man, this guy has some stones to just exist in this hostile world. Why not just issue a statement that people who make death threats aren’t welcome in his city anymore? Problem solved. Just when I think this guy can’t be any more of a public service, he drills us with a legendary sorry not sorry move.

He drains his lager. “Charity or altruism is not something I like to brag about,” he says. “That’s how my mother raised me. But I spend my days trying to help people out. Yesterday was my day off and I spent all day sending emails. I organised a few benefit shows. I had some beer shipped to a guy’s funeral. I helped out a guy whose son was killed in the Sandy Hook massacre with some tickets to a show. I put together a thing trying to help out a school that does music for kids who can’t afford lessons. (http://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/apr/24/frank-turner-death-threats)

“Look, I’m a humble guy. I don’t like to brag about charity….BUT I did spend all of yesterday doing charity work. It’s not something I like to talk about. Just organized some shows. It makes me really uncomfortable for people to know these things about me. I only shipped some beer to a guy’s funeral. I just really value the intrinsic nature of these types of things. Just gave away a few tickets to some grieving parents. It’s not a big deal at all. Also it was my day off.”

This guy should win an award, but he probably just wouldn’t be able to accept it. But then would accept it.

P.S.

Obviously I think everyone deserves be safe and have a good time at a show. But I don’t think telling bad guys they “aren’t welcome” solves a fucking thing. It’s this weird “this isn’t the world I want to live in” mentality. Guess what? I don’t want to live in a world where ice cream makes me fat and the Packers are better than the Bears, but every day I open my eyes and i’m a little bit bigger and the Packers are just a bit better. 

[kevincomplains]

I Hated the ‘85 Bears

Hate to impede my tone on this blog with a serious post, but gotta give respect where respect is due. I hated the ‘85 Bears. Technically, I saw this team win the Super Bowl at the venerable age of 13 months. There’s home video of me beating on a wooden block and singing the Super Bowl Shuffle. I had an infant size Jim McMahon jersey and Kevin Butler was my favorite player because I figured he was my namesake (despite my father also being a Kevin.) 

As I grew older, I found Bears teams of my own to love and loathe. Every new quarterback was my favorite. Steve Walsh. Erik Kramer. Jim Miller. The 2001 season with five miracle comebacks seeming like some kind of football destiny written for my team. The playoff game against the Eagles, when the offense disappeared and the Bears never really had a chance. The magnum opus of draft picks; Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman. The 2006 squad that captivated the nation with playmakers like Urlacher, Briggs, Tillman and Hester. Attending the NFC Championship against the Saints. Seeing my team earn their right to compete for the Lombardi. Hester’s Super Bowl opening return. 

Those were my teams. The teams I watched fail and succeed. And like the ‘72 Dolphins then and now, I was constantly reminded that my Chicago Bears would never be the Chicago Bears. Lovie wasn’t Ditka. The defense wasn’t mean enough. Too much smiling on the sidelines. The ‘85 Bears became the Infinite Jest of historic football teams. The band touted so highly you know could never live up to their hype. So I began to resent them. 

Tell anyone you’re from Chicago, near Chicago, Illinois or a Bears fan and their first response will be; 

A) How do you feel about Jay Cutler

B) DA BEARCE

What’s often lost is the fact that the SNL Superfans skit was making fun of Chicago fans. A caricature of a fat and ignorant fan base that may have been authentic in 1985 but since became a rallying cry for those who had to decree to every open ear that their Bears team was the only Bears team.  

And I think that was my issue; the ‘85 Bears had always been defined by their fans, and not their work itself. 

I never knew about the letter the defense wrote George Halas to save Buddy Ryan’s job. I never knew the intensity and depth the scout team exhibited to create that defense. Hell, I never knew Ditka and Ryan hated one another. The most recited headline I saw after the 30 for 30 debuted was “Same Familiar Story, But What a Story it Was.” Except it wasn’t the story I knew. I knew Walter Payton was the best ever and Ditka was an asshole. I knew the defense was dominant and McMahon was a decent QB with an insane attitude. I didn’t know Ditka and Ryan are still the only two coaches carried off the field together. 

30 for 30: The ‘85 Bears showed me a side of the story that’s never been a part of my narrative; the side that actually matters. 

[kevincomplains]

Kids Drink Racing Fuel and Mountain Dew, Die.

A pair of Tennessee teens are dead and two others were hospitalized after police say they possibly drank a concoction of Mountain Dew and racing fuel. The Greenbrier teens are believed to have ingested the fuel-laced soda last week. Logan Stephenson, 16, died last Thursday, and J.D. Byram, also 16, died Tuesday morning after being hospitalized at Vanderbilt Hospital in nearby Nashville.

Racing fuel, used for drag racing, can be easily purchased online and at some convenience stores. "A lot of people refer to it as 'moonshine on steroids.' A lot of people call it 'Dewshine,'" Greenbrier Police Chief K.D. Smith told NBC News of the Mountain Dew and racing fuel mixture. The deaths are under investigation, but police do not suspect foul play. An autopsy report is expected within two weeks.

(http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/teens-may-have-drunk-fatal-mixture-racing-fuel-mountain-dew-n505196)

Seeing a lot of name calling with this one; idiots, stupid hillbillies, what’d you expects, etc. Gotta take the high road on this one. Takes me back to the golden days of snorting pixie sticks and sniffing markers. Once took a shot of apple scented dish soap cause I thought it might taste like apples. It sucked. What I am proud of is kids being back on the ingestion train. We’re at the tail end of a dark time with kids sticking things like boozed soaked tampons up their asses, just couldn’t get on board with it. Nice to see we’re tipping our caps to the forefathers and tossing a bit of fuel into our drinks. Can’t live your life too proud. In this time of artisanal organic craft cage-free bullshit, are we really gonna bash a couple kids for infusing a little fuel into their Dews? It’s called entrepreneurship and this country was built on it.

PS I’m a big Dew guy. Every now and again they throw a wild card at me; Solar Flare, Game Fuel, Pitch Black. Most of em are garbage but I can’t just not try a flavor of Dew. Can I safely say a 16 year old Kevin wouldn’t sip a bit of DewShine? I might be an idiot, but I’m not a liar.

[kevincomplains]

DJ Khaled Flashes Credit Card on Snapchat, Loses $80k

The All I Do Is Win star has become one of the top celebrities to follow on the popular mobile app, which allows users to share videos and photos, which disappear after a few seconds.

On Wednesday (13Jan16), Khaled flashed his American Express black card in a post, and eagle eyed followers took down the numbers and began to make purchases.

According to reports, he lost around $80,000, and he later took to Snapchat again to call out the thieves, saying in a video, "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and this is just another one... People who bought something with my card, all purchases are trackable, and you will be arrested. Congratulations, you played yourself."

Ironically, the incident came a day after Khaled visited Snapchat headquarters in Los Angeles, where he met with CEO Evan Spiegel and employees at the company to discuss the influence of the app.

Absolutely love everything about this. Don’t even have a snapchat and I know Khaled has taken the app by the balls with his #KeysToSuccess. No way this is a mistake. Kind of a bummer that the most recent thing he can be associated with is All I Do Is Win since that song came out in like 98 but using “another one” in his response to the theft and name dropping the Amex black card? A huge #KeyToSuccess is letting people know about said success. Can’t lose money if you don’t have money. Khaled is the working man’s JJ Watt. A little candle in the darkness of poverty that lets the common man dream of accidentally losing 80 grand. 

PS 

islamophobia is dead in the US, Khaled Mohamed Khaled is the people’s DJ 

[kevincomplains]

Jesus Takes the Wheel

Three seconds. That's how long we had from the moment we drifted off the road until the truck hit the pilar at 85mph. In three seconds Hunter had to handle a situation that would either kill us immediately or save our lives. He keeps beating himself up for my pain but he saved my life. He keeps saying 'I should have protected you and I didn't do that' but he did exactly what he needed to do to make sure my life didn't end. The whole baseball player part helped him out...if he can hit a 95mph fastball he can do anything 😎. He took care of me. And when we were both lying in our beds in the ER he found a way to come protect my heart and give me a hug. Lord knows I needed that just as much as my safety.

I'm overwhelmed at how little damage was done to Hunter and I in a wreck that should have chopped our bodies in half. I'm in awe of the presence of God in this entire situation. Every part of this experience we went through points directly to Him. The way God helped Hunter to respond exactly the way he did behind the wheel, spinning the truck exactly where it should have to be able to smash into the pilar directly in the middle of me and Hunter so we were both untouched...that doesn't just happen. God doesn't throw protection around like that for no reason. He does it because he's not finished with us. I have problems with my heartbeat. When I get anxious or worried it flutters pretty bad...pulling me into panic attacks. The moment we hit and I realized I was conscious I realized that is what was happening to me. While out of breath and trying to move my legs i was screaming..panicked...yelling for Hunter to just say something. I needed to know he was okay. Looking to the drivers seat all I saw was his head through the windshield, a face full of blood, and a body that wasn't moving. I looked straight out the truck and there was a man..bright with a big white beard. No other cars in sight...just this man. He was my guardian angel. He saw me and immediately told me that an ambulance was coming. I jumped out of the car, ran over to Hunters side and just looked at this man. From that moment until Hunter was cut & lifted out of the truck I believe with my whole heart that looking at this man helped me to literally believe in that moment that Hunter was next to me on the road. I dont know if it was a hallucination or me unconsciously dreaming or a glimpse of heaven...but all I knew in that moment was that Hunter was safe with me. This man..looking at him for a short moment..helped me not witness Hunter being peeled out of the truck. I believe if I saw that I would have had a heart attack. Right when Hunter was actually out and next to me, I asked this man when the ambulance was coming. He told me in just a second. He walked away, I blinked and a flashlight was in my face. The paramedics were there helping me and Hunter and the anxiety and worry if he was okay disappeared because we were in good hands. Here is the miracle part: no broken bones, concussions that lasted not even 24 hours, no internal damage, and just a few stitches in my knee and hunters face. Only that after an accident that paramedics wonder how we didn't die instantly and a truck that looks like it's been through a tree grinder. We're both already released from the hospital not even 48 hours after entering. All of our belongings in perfect condition besides a few things here and there..and the only thing left behind at the crash scene is Hunters bible open, with a page marked with scripture telling us to not be afraid; Jesus is with us.

I am amazed. Absolutely taken away by the presence of God. So blessed for him sending me an angel. So thankful for Hunter and his second chance at life...for his healing and health. We are so fortunate for families who traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles to be with us. And so thankful for all the thoughts and prayers that were sent our way. The power of prayer is real, and it healed me and Hunter. We are in a lot of pain because of the injuries, so any more prayers are appreciated while we recover. But tonight I'm praying for all of you. If there's anything you read out of this novel I'm typing up here it's this: I want everyone to to know the love and the power of God. He has a purpose...and it's so clear that NOTHING...not even a car accident like this one will cause his plans for you to change. We are put on this beautiful earth for a reason and the reason is to help people know Him. We are made to show and share His love. And if it takes a car wreck like this for me to get to do that then I would do it all over again. I'm praying that everyone who reads this can get a glimpse of Gods faithfulness. He is GOOD. And working. And the plans he has for YOU and your life aren't going anywhere. Good or bad, what you want or what you don't want...it's God's doing. It's his plans unfolding. It's his kingdom coming. Embrace the struggles and the joys of this life! Without a doubt it's a miracle we're alive, but more than that it's simply Gods plan for us. We're so grateful for this wreck and all it will do in our lives. We are blessed to be okay. And so in love with the amazing God we serve.

Boy oh boy, how do I unpack this shit? Firstly, I’d have a little more respect for the “pilar” that almost took your life, unless I’m misinterpreting this and they ran their truck into Ernest Hemingway’s 38 foot fishing vessel. “The whole baseball part helped him out, if he can hit a 95mph fastball he can do anything.” Well Arika, there’s a few notable exceptions to that theory. Nick Adenhart, Oscar Taveras, Dustin Kellogg, Josh Hancock, Mike Darr, Brian Cole; just a few professional baseball players who could presumably hit a 95 MPH fastball and whose batting skills didn’t help them survive traumatic injuries. “The way God helped Hunter to respond exactly the way he did behind the wheel, spinning the truck exactly where it should have to be able to smash into the pilar directly in the middle of me and Hunter so we were both untouched...that doesn't just happen.” Ehhhh I mean by that logic why not just spin the truck away from the “pilar?” Surely a truck isn’t “exactly where it’s supposed to be” when it’s split in half on the interstate. Could go on about this “meant to be stuff” forever, but I’ll try to focus on a few areas. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as a 24 hour concussion. “All of our belongings are in perfect condition besides a few things here and there.” That’s the kid who got straight A’s “except for two B’s.” Not really how “perfect condition” works right? Blair Walsh had a perfect game yesterday, except the one he missed. Lastly, can’t read these types of stories without addressing the relentless narcissism. “He has a purpose…and it’s so clear that NOTHING…not even a car accident like this one will cause his plans for you to change.” I bet there are a lot of people who wonder why car accidents changed their plans. Seems like an aggressive move by god here, “let me smash you into concrete to show you how much you mean to me.” I’m gonna ask that jesus doesn’t take my wheel.

PS

didn’t really go after Hunter Hanks here cause I have too much respect for an alliterated name. H2, Double H, H Squared. Absolutely love that

PPS

I’m pretty sure I’ve hit a 95mph fastball at the cages 

[kevincomplains]

Family Sacrifices Lamb to Protect Son. Promptly Ejected onto Freeway Sign.

The family of a man whose body landed on a freeway sign during a car crash says they performed a lamb sacrifice for him days earlier for protection from harm. Richard Pananian, 20, of Burbank had been battling serious health issues but overcame them, said his cousin, Armen Kardashian. He would not say what the health issues were. This time, his family wasn’t taking any chances and was determined to protect him, so they performed a matagh, or offering, on Oct. 25. Matagh is a tradition of the Armenian Church and often used to show appreciation to God for saving a life, asking for good health or for peace for deceased loved ones.

Pananian’s family hoped the offering of the lamb would provide some protection, his cousin said. Five days later, on Friday, Pananian was headed to his new job at Glendale Collision Center, his cousin said.

He was driving on southbound on the 5 Freeway just north of California 134 when his Ford Fiesta rear-ended a pickup truck and overturned, said Officer Edgar Figueroa, a California Highway Patrol spokesman. The CHP said Pananian was not wearing a seat belt. He was ejected and landed on the Colorado Street freeway sign. Shortly before the crash, the CHP received a call at 7 a.m. about the driver of a Ford Fiesta traveling recklessly. Rescue crews used a ladder to the remove his body from the freeway sign. Kardashian said he is overwhelmed with thoughts of his cousin’s life and the bizarre turn it took.

“Say we have to go, but not in that way,” Kardashian said. “It just became a spectacle.” Pananian had always worn a seatbelt before Friday’s crash, his cousin said. Pananian, who was a car aficionado, had even installed a racing safety harness for his driver’s seat, his cousin said. Now his family is trying to raise $50,000 for “unexpected financial burdens.” GoFundMe pages have been set up by Pananian’s family and their co-workers described the 20-year-old as “one of the most friendly, giving, compassionate people you would ever meet.” So far, more than $15,000 has been raised in the effort to assist his family members, who are “facing many unexpected financial burdens,” according to the family’s page. Pananian is survived by his mother, father and older brother. “He had a bright future,” he said.

Tough to find a place to start with this one. The lamb sacrifice didn’t protect your son? I mean this has to be the first time this hasn’t worked right? Did they do something wrong? I don’t want to get super technical here but a “lamb” is a sheep under a year old, could they have possibly killed a mutton? Classic mistake. A little bit of research shows this isn’t just a cut and run thing. Pretty specific shit here. Has to be eaten before sundown. Can’t be grilled over an open flame. Has to be shared by 7 families. Pretty big margin for error. I’d even go so far as saying instead of the ritual lamb sacrifice, maybe a good old fashioned seat belt might have been the difference here. Struggling to make ends meet, poor kid probably didn’t have enough money to afford a car with a seat belt. OH. He installed a racing safety harness? AND this is the first time he’s not worn a seat belt? Find me a more aggressive move than installing a restraint system and not using it. I absolutely love that. Complete trust in the lamb sacrifice. “My family killed a lamb to protect me. Fuck speed limits, seat belts, brakes, avoiding collisions.” All of it.

I see a lot of people getting on this family for starting the $50k GoFundMe page and I can’t hop on that train. I’ve seen some completely outlandish shit on GoFundMe; trips to Vegas, money for a jet, bachelorette party in Greece. I feel like “My Son Got Ejected onto a Freeway Sign Even After I Sacrificed a Lamb to Protect Him” is good enough for me. Don’t be so proud. Have a heart.

P.S. Not sure I’d go with the lamb slaughter for the next relative. Maybe a genie in a lamp? Gotta progress.

[evildrwill]

HAR HAR HAR it’s so funny to mock the traditions of other cultures, isn’t it??? You are so ABOVE everyone and your standards of normality are superior, the world should just stop spinning if it doesn’t spin to your rhythm, right? This is such a joke of a post.

The lamb offering is a traditional symbol of sacrifice and love and just because your narrow worldview might not grasp the reality that other cultures and races operate under unique terms unfamiliar to you, doesn’t mean you should go around arrogantly parading your dissenting opinion.

And to add to that, the kid was providing for his family by working at an auto shop, so obviously the go fund me makes sense, especially considering how shocking the death was and how horrific it was for his family. And why do you care so much about how he tricked out his car - are you that crude that you’re going to judge a kid because he wanted to add some to his car? Is it really that big a deal? I don’t even understand why you mention this - I he not allowed to spend on his own car…????

A kid died. I hope you can live with the fact that you’re making a kids untimely death, a kid in my community’s death, the focus of your social media ranting.

This is so pathetic.

[kevincomplains]

Hey if sacrificing lambs and being ejected onto freeways signs is in your “standard of normality,” we should be friends. 

[kevincomplains]

Family Sacrifices Lamb to Protect Son. Promptly Ejected onto Freeway Sign.

The family of a man whose body landed on a freeway sign during a car crash says they performed a lamb sacrifice for him days earlier for protection from harm. Richard Pananian, 20, of Burbank had been battling serious health issues but overcame them, said his cousin, Armen Kardashian. He would not say what the health issues were. This time, his family wasn’t taking any chances and was determined to protect him, so they performed a matagh, or offering, on Oct. 25. Matagh is a tradition of the Armenian Church and often used to show appreciation to God for saving a life, asking for good health or for peace for deceased loved ones.

Pananian’s family hoped the offering of the lamb would provide some protection, his cousin said. Five days later, on Friday, Pananian was headed to his new job at Glendale Collision Center, his cousin said.

He was driving on southbound on the 5 Freeway just north of California 134 when his Ford Fiesta rear-ended a pickup truck and overturned, said Officer Edgar Figueroa, a California Highway Patrol spokesman. The CHP said Pananian was not wearing a seat belt. He was ejected and landed on the Colorado Street freeway sign. Shortly before the crash, the CHP received a call at 7 a.m. about the driver of a Ford Fiesta traveling recklessly. Rescue crews used a ladder to the remove his body from the freeway sign. Kardashian said he is overwhelmed with thoughts of his cousin’s life and the bizarre turn it took.

“Say we have to go, but not in that way,” Kardashian said. “It just became a spectacle.” Pananian had always worn a seatbelt before Friday’s crash, his cousin said. Pananian, who was a car aficionado, had even installed a racing safety harness for his driver’s seat, his cousin said. Now his family is trying to raise $50,000 for "unexpected financial burdens.” GoFundMe pages have been set up by Pananian's family and their co-workers described the 20-year-old as "one of the most friendly, giving, compassionate people you would ever meet." So far, more than $15,000 has been raised in the effort to assist his family members, who are "facing many unexpected financial burdens," according to the family’s page. Pananian is survived by his mother, father and older brother. “He had a bright future,” he said.

Tough to find a place to start with this one. The lamb sacrifice didn’t protect your son? I mean this has to be the first time this hasn’t worked right? Did they do something wrong? I don’t want to get super technical here but a “lamb” is a sheep under a year old, could they have possibly killed a mutton? Classic mistake. A little bit of research shows this isn’t just a cut and run thing. Pretty specific shit here. Has to be eaten before sundown. Can’t be grilled over an open flame. Has to be shared by 7 families. Pretty big margin for error. I’d even go so far as saying instead of the ritual lamb sacrifice, maybe a good old fashioned seat belt might have been the difference here. Struggling to make ends meet, poor kid probably didn’t have enough money to afford a car with a seat belt. OH. He installed a racing safety harness? AND this is the first time he’s not worn a seat belt? Find me a more aggressive move than installing a restraint system and not using it. I absolutely love that. Complete trust in the lamb sacrifice. “My family killed a lamb to protect me. Fuck speed limits, seat belts, brakes, avoiding collisions.” All of it.

I see a lot of people getting on this family for starting the $50k GoFundMe page and I can’t hop on that train. I’ve seen some completely outlandish shit on GoFundMe; trips to Vegas, money for a jet, bachelorette party in Greece. I feel like “My Son Got Ejected onto a Freeway Sign Even After I Sacrificed a Lamb to Protect Him” is good enough for me. Don’t be so proud. Have a heart.

P.S. Not sure I’d go with the lamb slaughter for the next relative. Maybe a genie in a lamp? Gotta progress.

[kevincomplains]

Gunshot Victim Dropped Off at a Wal Mart in Florida. Water is Wet.

MIRAMAR(CBSMiami) – It was strange site at a busy Walmart store in Miramar as a shooting victim was dropped off by a driver and police sealed off an area by the front of the store with yellow crime scene tape. Miramar Police spokeswoman Tania Rues told CBS4’s Peter D’Oench that the unidentified victim had been shot in a residential neighborhood not far from the Walmart store on University Drive just south of Pembroke Road and then driven there. Rues said it was not clear exactly where the man had been shot in Miramar or why the driver picked the Walmart store instead of dropping him off at a hospital. She said he was transported to Memorial Regional Hospital. Part of the store was sealed off for more than an hour by the crime scene tape as investigators looked at and inside the maroon Suzuki Forenza that the victim was in. Shortly before 5 p.m., the car was towed from the scene and the tape was taken down. Shoppers told D’Oench they were surprised by the police activity. “When I got here I saw police talking to one man by the car,” said Terry Ingram. “I went shopping. I went to run an errand. Then I found out one man got shot. It was kind of a surprise to me. I thought this was innocuous at first. Then all of a sudden, I saw this. “I’m a former police officer and I don’t know what to think about all of this. I have not formed an opinion yet,” he added Rues said she did not know the motive for the shooting. She said the victim was not cooperating. The Broward Sheriff’s Office used its helicopter in the search for the gunman. Rues said police do not have a good description of the suspect or suspects

Was it a strange “site” Pete? This an archeological dig or a crime scene? I for one would argue there’s no such thing as a strange sight at Wal Mart and definitely not at a Florida Wal Mart. Gonna take the high horse on every social issue these days then shame a guy for getting shot and dropped off at Wal Mart? How courageous. Ever seen those memes “Lebron stubs toe, misses 5 games. Bergeron shatters spine, asks to be put back in.” This is exactly that. Think this guy is gonna let a measly bullet get in the way of a Rollback? I was just shocked Wal Mart doesn’t have a hospital in it. That’s the problem with the big box stores today, you just assume they do everything. Catch a bullet and think to yourself “am I gonna spend 100 grand and 5 hours in a hospital waiting room or stanky leg into Wally World for $10 bucks and a stich job?”

PS  

Absolutely love the eyewitness testimony here. Like that Dane Cook skit about car accidents. “I went shopping. I ran an errand. A man was shot. I was holding these groceries when I saw him. Would you like these groceries in an evidence bag?” Glad we wasted three lines on a guy telling us he “hasn’t formed an opinion yet” too. What a compelling interview.

PPS

Let’s play hospital, hotel or Wal Mart in Miramar for a second before we say we’d never make this mistake.

[kevincomplains]

Tyrann Mathieu Lasts 8 Minutes in Hot Car. My Dog Can Go at Least 10.

Arizona Cardinals safety Tyrann Mathieu couldn't last more than a few minutes in a hot parked car. But when he became overheated, Mathieu was able to open the door and escape the vehicle -- something that dogs in the same situation are unable to do. This was the point of the ad that Mathieu, the Cardinals' 2013 third-round draft pick, shot for PETA in an effort to spread awareness of the dangers to dogs locked in parked cars during the summer heat. "If you're going to make a dog a part of your family, then make him a part of your family. Don't treat him like you wouldn't someone you care about or someone you loved," The Honey Badger said as he sweated out 120-degree temps. Check out the ad in its entirety below, and remember to take good care of your pups in the Arizona heat!

(http://www.abc15.com/sports/sports-blogs-local/arizona-cardinals-safety-tyrann-mathieu-suffers-in-hot-car-to-promote-dog-safety)

While this isn’t quite the “human barbecue” or the “people are nazis to animals” campaign, it’s vintage PETA. 8 minutes? My dog can last at least 10. And what kind of monster leaves all the windows up? C’mon PETA, be less aggressive. As far as the “treat him like someone you care about” bit, where’s that end Tyrann? Slippery slope here. What’s next? No more leashes? No more making dogs eat off the ground like…dogs? And I’m not really sure 120 degrees counts as “oven like temperatures.” Maybe vegans and their weird soy curls use 120 degree ovens but in my house the dial may as well start at 400. “Leave your pet at home in the air conditioning.” Oh how nice to assume blue collar America keeps their homes at a comfortable 72 degrees and just chooses to bring Buster along to make him suffer. I haven’t slept in my bed in over a month because of the desert heat. Where’s my PSA PETA? Have a heart, one time. 

PS

I bet Tyrann lasted a lot longer than 8 minutes in all those hot boxed cars at LSU 

[kevincomplains]

Ryan O’Reilly Gets a DUI (Canada actually has a DUI law)

LUCAN, Ontario -- Ontario Provincial Police have charged Buffalo Sabres center Ryan O'Reilly with impaired driving. The Ontario Provincial Police said Monday in a release that police were dispatched to a single motor vehicle crash early Thursday morning in which a green Chevrolet pickup truck struck a commercial retail building, reportedly a Tim Hortons, and the occupants left the vehicle. "We are aware of the reports regarding the incident involving Ryan O'Reilly last week," Sabres general manager Tim Murray said in a statement.

The Sabres "are currently in the process of gathering more information" after Ryan O'Reilly, above, was charged with impaired driving, general manager Tim Murray said in a statement. Brent Lewis/The Denver Post/Getty Images "We are currently in the process of gathering more information and will have no further comment until we have spoken with all parties involved." The release said O'Reilly was arrested and taken to the Middlesex County Ontario Provincial Police detachment for breath testing. Along with impaired driving, the 24-year-old from Bluewater, Ontario, has been charged with care or control over 80 milligrams and failing to remain at the scene of an accident. He was released on a promise to appear and is scheduled to be in a London, Ontario, court on Aug. 20. On Instagram seven weeks ago, O'Reilly posted a picture of a green Chevrolet pickup truck that he said he had just purchased. O'Reilly was traded from the Colorado Avalanche to Buffalo in June along with forward Jamie McGinn for Mikhail Grigorenko, J.T. Compher, defenseman Nikita Zadorov and the 31st pick in the draft. The Sabres signed O'Reilly to a seven-year, $52.5 million contract extension July 3. He's due to make $6.2 million next season. Last season with the Avalanche, O'Reilly had 17 goals and 38 assists in 82 games. The Associated Press contributed to this report.

(http://espn.go.com/nhl/story/_/id/13252006/ryan-oreilly-buffalo-sabres-charged-impaired-driving)

Most shocking part of this story is Canada even having a DUI law. This just goes to show you the emotional impact getting traded to the Sabres can have on a guy. This isn’t some reckless Dany Heatley type (people don’t forget.) This is a Lady Byng winner. The NHL’s award for “a player adjudged to have exhibited the best type of sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct combined with a high standard of playing ability.” Now I’m not saying a gentleman can’t toss back a few sodas and find himself on the wrong side of Johnny Law, but to have the audacity to deface a Tim Horton’s (basically Canada’s crown jewels) and then leave the scene? Have a little respect for God and country Ryan. As far as the “care or control over 80 milligrams” charge, I honestly have no idea whether that means he had a meth lab in the back of his truck or if he had an aspirin in his pocket. Figure it out Canada.

(not the actual crash but it’s pretty shocking how many images there are for “Tim Horton’s crash”)

[kevincomplains]

Death, Taxes and Your Neighborhood Ice Cream Truck Driver is Drunk.

CORNELIUS, Ore. – A man was busted for drunk driving while he was selling ice cream in the neighborhoods of Cornelius on Friday, the Washington County Sheriff’s Office said. Witnesses told deputies that an ice cream truck driver had turned into oncoming traffic and twice crashed into the right-hand curb while driving in Cornelius. Deputies went to investigate the erratic driving complaints and found 38-year-old Noe Andrade-Silva inside a Plymouth Voyager that had been converted into an ice cream truck, with ice cream stickers on the sides and speakers playing the traditional bell tone tune. Deputies said Andrade-Silva was “under the influence of alcohol” while he was selling ice cream to children at North Barlow and 29th Avenue. Troy Woodson was keeping an eye on his kids from the kitchen window when he first noticed the police. "I looked down and see the officer pull him over," Woodson said. Andrade-Silva failed several field sobriety tests. He was booked into the Washington County Jail on a DUII charge. Silva has already been released; he will be in court July 21. Sergeant Bob Ray said the truck was sent home with his wife so the ice cream wouldn’t melt. Woodson says Silva sells ice cream here all the time and never thought his kids could be at risk. "It's pretty disturbing because, I for one, don't want to think there's an ice cream man driving around drunk. Nobody wants any DUI ice cream," Woodson said. Across the street Sarah Way proudly shows off the pictures of all her grand kids. They come visit her often and as you can imagine, she's awfully protective. She's irate knowing one of them could have been put at risk. "You're out there delivering doing an ice cream truck you should not be drinking and driving," Way said. Now Way and Woodson want to send a special thanks to that 911 caller, saying their alertness on the road may have helped avoid a very bad situation. "I thank the lady for doing that. Thank you. I think you were not only looking out for my neighborhood but for everybody out there," Woodson said.

(http://www.katu.com/news/local/Sheriff-Ice-cream-truck-driver-drunk-while-selling-cones-in-Cornelius-313879401.html)

There’s certain things in life you accept and move on. No reason to fight, no need to be a hero. Nobody likes a whistle blower. Your neighborhood ice cream truck driver having a few barley pops? That’s one of those things. First of all, I’m pretty sure ice cream trucks don’t have to observe the rules of the road. If there’s a kid that needs ice cream, that takes priority. Sometimes you cross into oncoming traffic to make a sale, sometimes you tap the curb so the kid can keep his feet in the lawn. It’s called safety. Secondly, are we really concerned with the safety of the kids here when there was zero issue with this “converted” Voyager? Call me old fashioned, but I’m not sure the sticker on one door counts as a “conversion.” These parents had zero issue with the 40 year old selling their kids frozen treats in an unmarked van then throw up the bat signal for a curb check? How fast does an ice cream truck go anyway? Kids can literally run down an ice cream truck. They top out at idle.  “I looked down and see the officer pull him over.” Where you looking down from Troy? Your ivory tower of sober ice cream delivery? Some people do want DUI ice cream Troy, some people still remember blue collar America where a couple adult sodas on your breath was called character, not crime.

PS

Glad to see Sarge Bob Ray has a heart and sent the truck home with his wife. He knew the only crime here would be a truck full of melted ice cream.

PPS

Don’t want to drop a hot take this early on a Monday, but this kinda seems like it was El Chapo’s witness protection job. Hope he didn’t mess this up.

[kevincomplains]

Russell Wilson Goes Full Tebow. You Never Go Full Tebow.

“That new Russell Wilson interview, nearly a full hour in all, contains plenty of interesting things. Along with multiple examples of Wilson hearing the voice of God, directly and audibly.

The one that surely will get the most media attention comes from Wilson’s claim that God told Wilson not to have premarital relations with his new girlfriend, Ciara. But Wilson also says God spoke to him after that fateful interception at the end of Super Bowl XLIX. “The play happens, and they pick the ball off. And I take three steps,” Wilson said. “And on the third step God says to me, ‘I’m using you. . . . I want to see how you respond. But most importantly I want them to see how you respond.” Plenty of athletes and non-athletes over the years have claimed to have a direct pipeline to God. For those of us who believe in God but haven’t heard Him speak in an audible voice but have felt His nudge at a more vague and visceral level, a claim that He uses actual words with others can be both confusing and a bit off-putting. For those who believe that God doesn’t care about the outcome of sporting events, a claim that He is preparing an athlete for similar situations in the future can be both confusing and off-putting. Regardless, Wilson seems to be saying that, above the din and the chaos of the moment, he heard God say, “I want to see how you respond. But most importantly I want them to see how you respond.”

(http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2015/07/06/russell-wilson-says-god-spoke-to-him-right-after-super-bowl-interception/)

Heavy lies the fictional crown, Russ. Has this guy completely lost his fucking mind? Never mind the Ciara stuff. Plenty of folks staying celibate on behalf of their creator. But this direct pipeline to God? Even Tebow never got this deep. This is Donnie Brasco in-so-deep-that-you-don’t-know-which-side-you’re-on deep. Kinda feels like he’s just gone so far with the nice guy image that he didn’t know where else to turn and his naturally competitive nature pushed him just a bit too far. Tweet a few King James verses, a few photo ops at the local children’s hospital, invest in a foundation or two- standard nice guy athlete stuff. Then you hit a ceiling. There’s a million guys out there visiting kids and tweeting the word of the Lord and you’ve got to kick it up a notch. Easiest way? Voice of God. Huge power move by Russ. And look, I get it. Live congregation eating up every word you say, pastor’s got a hard lean going and you get carried away, toss out the divine intervention card and that’s not one you can take back. Gotta keep the biblical ball rolling at that point.

PS

Only way to judge this type of behavior is to put your buddy in the position of the celeb in question. Can I picture a group of guys pulling a Bieber? Getting a little sauced up and egging a neighbor’s house? Absolutely. I’ve got friends who light fires on wooden porches of dry cabins. Savage shit. How about a vintage Bynes? Ripping a joint in a hotel lobby and tossing your bong out the window? Just another Mifflin Block Party. But a buddy coming at you justifying one of his biggest fuck ups via the direct voice of God? I’m asking a few questions.

PPS

I really really hope that crazy Pete “Benghazi” Carroll was just fucking with Russ in his helmet radio. All time guy if that’s his play.

[kevincomplains]

Obama Knows Everything, Power Moves Us All.

Game of Thrones Posted July 10 2015 — 5:35 PM EDT

“The director of some of Game of Thrones’ biggest episodes recently met President Obama. And the leader of the free world had one question for him: Is Jon Snow really dead? “Three weeks ago, I was the in the company of the President of the United States,” acclaimed director David Nutter told EW at Comic-Con on Friday. “He turned to me, put his hand on my shoulder, and said, ‘You didn’t kill Jon Snow did you?’” It’s the question every fan wants to know, and apparently Obama is quite the fan, telling Nutter that season 3’s notorious Red Wedding episode is his favorite. So what did Nutter say? “I said, ‘Jon Snow is deader than dead,’” the director recalls. “I thought I was going to be sent to Guantanamo or something, but fortunately I’m here — but he’s dead.” Nutter added that Obama also complained, “You keep killing off my favorite characters.” Kit Harington, who plays Snow, has also proclaimed the character died in the season 5 finale, but many fans are doubtful that he’s really gone. Harington is skipping Comic-Con this year — and so are the Game of Thrones showrunners.”

(http://www.ew.com/article/2015/07/10/game-thrones-obama)

Now I could give a damn about Game of Thrones, but I understand the rest of the world does. And that’s exactly why this is the ultimate power move by Obama. Basically sums up every reason we all wanted to be President in grade school. Back when Pres was the richest guy in the world, could arrest anyone, boss anyone around and knew every secret ever. Somewhere between learning Bart Simpson was voiced by a girl and that I’d never compete on Legends of the Hidden Temple I realized being President is actually the worst. That hardo in class who chimes in with “well, actually…” after every answer? That’s pretty much the entire world every time the President does anything. Just the shittiest existence of all time. Then this. “Hey Game of Thrones guy, tell me what happens.” Done. All that childhood nostalgia of Pres being king dick comes flooding back. Kaner’s 2010 game winning puck? He knows. End of Inception? NBD. Why on earth Bombay thought it was ok to just drive a limo onto a frozen lake swarming with children? Basic shit. Can jet fuel melt steel beams? Never crosses his mind. So just when Obama seemed at his lowest, beaten down by 7 years of leading the free world, he power moves us all. “I know the answer to everything you peasants will never know.” Well played Barry, well played.

PS- “Don’t sleep on Barry O!”

[kevincomplains]

Chicago Man Shoots 2 in (all time great) Beer Pong Distraction.

“COOK COUNTY CRIMINAL COURTHOUSE — A suburban man spent his birthday in police custody after he tried to distract his beer-pong opponent with a gun Saturday and accidentally shot two people, authorities said. Manus Shannon, 27, was playing beer pong at a Fourth of July party in Roseland about 9:20 p.m. Saturday when he pulled out a 9mm semiautomatic gun, according to police and prosecutors. Shannon began waving the gun in his opponent's face to distract the 24-year-old South Chicago man during his turn, Assistant State's Attorney Erin Antonietti said during a bond hearing Monday. The opponent pushed Shannon away, and as he did, the gun went off — striking the opponent in his finger and a 20-year-old Roseland man in his shoulder, prosecutors said. According to Antonietti, the 20-year-old was sitting nearby texting at the time and not involved with the game.

The victims drove themselves to Roseland Community Hospital after the shooting, which happened in the 9200 block of South Forest Avenue, police said. Both men's conditions had stabilized. Shannon was arrested at his suburban Blue Island home late Saturday and charged with reckless discharge of a firearm. Sunday was Shannon's 27th birthday, court documents show. On Monday, Cook County Judge Adam Bourgeois Jr. ordered Shannon held in lieu of $100,000 bail. Prosecutors said Shannon had an FOID card and conceal-and-carry permit in Arkansas, where he lived until February. When he moved to Illinois, however, Shannon got an Illinois driver's license, but failed to update his gun paperwork.”

(https://www.dnainfo.com/chicago/20150707/roseland/man-distracts-beer-pong-opponent-with-gun-but-accidentally-shoots-2-people)

A lot of holes in this story and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. First off, the real criminal here is the 24 year old who shoves the guy with the gun. That’s beer pong 101, you can’t just shove a guy for an all time distraction. Beer pong is frustrating, I get it. We’ve all been there. But you don’t just toss sportsmanship aside over a little gun play. The story also fails to mention that apparently the distraction worked and the 24 year old basically forfeits the game, no? Again, basic sportsmanship. Have a little respect for the game. Secondly, if the photo attached to the story is any indication, the real crime here is the 6 cup set up. Rookie move by a couple guys in their mid 20’s. No wonder tensions are high. What’s the rush? It’s 9pm. As for the 20 year old “nearby texting and not involved with the game,” what’s your deal? Too cool? Sitting court side but can’t even look up for a classic Josey Wales distraction? A little awareness goes a long way. Hopefully lesson learned for him.

P.S. show me where in the rules it says “no guns as a distraction.” You can’t.

[kevincomplains]

For Shame, Toronto. For Shame.

“The hot dog vendor who parks daily at Front and John St. just lost his most reliable customer.

Almost every afternoon at 2:30 p.m., often wearing a toque, Phil Kessel would wander from his neighbourhood condominium to consume his daily snack.

And now he’s gone. Just like that. The Maple Leafs could no longer stomach having Kessel around, the first player to be both punished and rewarded for the saddest Leafs season in history. The Leafs held their breath, plugged their noses, and ostensibly gave Kessel to the Pittsburgh Penguins because they couldn’t stand having him around anymore. Really, this was as much about illness and insomnia as anything else: The Leafs were sick and tired of Kessel.

They had to move Kessel out. They had to have him off the roster by the time Babcock begins training camp in September. You can’t have him half-assing skating drills with a team trying to learn how to work. You can’t have him being first off the ice with a team pushing to reach Babcock’s lofty goals. When you have an illness, you must get rid of the poison.”

(http://m.torontosun.com/2015/07/01/leafs-were-sick-and-tired-of-kessel)

One time my brother and I silently consumed a package of hot dogs on a beach after spending $100 on a seafood dinner. Neither of us remembers how it happened, just that it did. One of my best friends in Alaska? Owns a hot dog cart. Owns the hot dog shop above the bar that grounded my life there. Favorite mid-morning, afternoon, evening or late-night snack in Madison? Silky’s Dogs. Need a foundation for a big night that leaves you pumped up but not too full? Dog up. Need a quick pick me up between bars? Dog up. Hot dogs bring the people together. A delicacy by the common man for the common man. It takes a bunch of awful shit and makes something beautiful. Ain’t that America?

And that’s what Canada and the Toronto Sun just don’t get. Most popular hot dog shop in America’s Top Hat? Serves European hot dogs. Don’t know what that is, don’t care. But they don’t get it. Phil Kessel is the guy who made it that shouldn’t have. Spends as much time in the gym and at the hot dog cart as you and I and he’s living the dream. Shame on you Canada. Your weird “european” hot dogs are probably the only reason Kessel only had one a day and that will absolutely sky rocket when he lands in Pittsburgh. Probably already reached out to Fatlisberger for a map of the local hot dog carts. Today’s hot dog vendor is the 1950’s barber. He’s your confidant, your inside guy and more importantly…he’s your friend.