The lowly thoughts of an Innocently Deceptive

A reflection of my life, events and future thoughts.

[helpthemightypenn]

A few months ago, Penn and his wife at the time had communally agreed to separate after a long unhappy marriage. The divorce process for MD is longwinded so in order to proceed, they started looking for separate housing. To afford his state of living, Penn took on roommates, a woman and a transgender man, while simultaneously removing them from a less than ideal situation. They have been involved with one another in a polyamorous kinky consensual relationship upon separation from his spouse. Penn identifies as pansexual.

Penn is a proud father of two girls. His ex wife not only violated personal social media accounts but investigated both roommates to determine that his home was unfit to have 50/50 custody if his roommates continued to live in his home. The two tenants now have to find elsewhere to live, but the legal fees required to contest this biased, prejudiced discrimination in family court will cost Penn in ways his salary cannot afford.

We cannot allow ignorant and close minded individuals to continue to oppress those who only seek to express love freely. His “immoral” lifestyle has never impeded his ability to be a father to his girls nor should it be viewed as a danger or threat for the children to reside with roommates who only want to serve as caretakers when needed.

Please promote and signal boost this cause in any way you can as we continue to fight for the right to love who we want.

[quinncy]

Hey, if you guys can, /please/ signal boost this and support if you are able!

[kevthoughts]

Friday, October 23, 2015

It’s been two years since I last posted. 

It feels kinda weird that I just remembered about this thing. Not that I ever really kept up with it to begin with.  My last post was a huge rant about me trying to move forward with my life, and since thing it’s really been a struggle.  I guess I’ll have to start where I left off, which is two years ago:

I was living with my cousin for five months, trying to start a life on my own.  Things didn’t end up working out because with my luck i chose someone who had major mental issues and i blew my fuse with her. 

She tried to blame me for her depression when in fact i was the only one helping her. I took care of her daughter, her house, and everything else she neglected due to her condition, which i was not having a problem with. My problem arose when I tried to do anything for myslef such as get a job or actually go to school. 

In the end I moved back homr for a couple of months. then i moved out again with a friend to try living my life once more. 

In turn this one also didn’t work out because I ended up developing my own depression, and i made the mistake of turning to drugs. 

During this timeeframe i picked up doing comedy and I loved it. something like doing plays and i finally had my performing edge back. I also picked up the habit of multiple one night stands, which also was another bad habit i developed. 

I’m having so much fun, that at the time i really didn’t care. I felt like I was in control again. 

Two months later, I got evicted from where i lived, homelessness threatening me like it never has before. 

Of course, I could have swallowed my pride and went home again, but I was too proud to admit defeat. At this point i started to consider prostitution.

Luckily, an old friend from high school found me and took me in, helped me get a job, and helped me get back in school. I was very thankful to her for the longest, but at the same time I realised i really needed to focus on fixing my mistakes. 

I contemplated suicide during this entire summer, thinking it would just be easier, but i never went through with it because I am too scared of even thinking about hurting myself.

This post is kinda long. . . 

But so much has happened, this is actually just a recap. There’s so much more details but they’re unnecessary.

Fast forwarding to now though:

I ended up engaged to a Bishop. (don’t ask how that happened becuase i don’t know) I took a hiatus from comedy even though lately i want to pick it back up. 

During the comedy trials, I developed a drag persona-- Renee Vanity Crush. I havent brought her out in awhile though... I’m not sure why.

I am living on my own with my partner, i work two jobs, but i’m not in school. 

I feel a lot happier than where i was before; but alas, i still struggle with Depression and anxiety. 

No one seems to understand it though... 

And times have been really hard lately.

and I know that i always seem to leave these entries with somber note.

But I really hope I can pull myself out of this soon...

[kevthoughts]

Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm absolutely LIVID right now.

What I don't understand. 

Two things:

1. When a person makes decisions for himself. EVERYONE and their mothers want to comment about how he's wrong and how they shouldn't do what they wanna do. because "in the long run" they won't be happy.

YOu don't know the whole situation. FUCK off. 

Seriously. Don't try to read into what is said as if you are a fucking psychologist. 

Get the fuck out if you say it's "tough love" because it's not.  Tough Love is when you're going through a rough time, but you still care for them, NOT bending what they say into something it's not. 

AND WHO ARE YOU  To ask who I am intervening YOUR Ignorance.??

Seriously, people like you make me so fucking pissed off. 

YOU are not being a good friend. I don't give a flying monkey fuck what you have to say about it. 

2. Depression

I GET IT. YOu're depressed. I'm trying to help you. I do everything I can to help you. I give you massages. I help out with YOUR kid. I even go as far as COOKING and CLEANING For you? 

And what do you do? YOU try to commit suicide. TWICE. Fortunately for me I was able to stop you twice. A child should not be without their parent. No matter what.

I'm just

I can't even.

you guys

HUMANITY really pisses me off in the state it's in.

People really need to stop 

ALSO

PATIENCE IS A MOTHERFUCKING VIRTUE

You canNOT be impatient when there's a PROCESS you have to go through before getting better.

I keep telling you take it one day at a time.

BUT YOU KEEP FUCKING THINKING ABOUT DOING EVERYTHING AT ONCE. 

STOP IT.

JUST STOP IT NOW.

I'm seriously close to just slapping you in the face for you being so STUPID and hindering your own family from continuing their lives.

I'm seriously tired. I have headaches all the time. I'm losing sleep. and for what? Because you're not letting the people who love you HELP YOU?

This is NOT why I left home for. 

I left to advance my life forward.

TELL ME HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN I HAVE TO KEEP HELPING OTHERS?

I need to help myself. And no one is letting me.

Seriously. And people wonder why i've become cold. 

I'm done. 

Hopefully the situation resolves. because I don't know how much more i can take of this.

[kevthoughts]

Tuesday, July 16, 2013- Recap

I really need to remember I have an outlet.  But I digress, I just keep forgetting. 

Anyways, it's been a LONG gap since my last post. So let's see if I can patch up any holes.

Oh Lord, I suck at keeping up with these lol. Well, Let’s not waste any time, and let’s start with: Drama (the studies and just drama with people in general): I've finished my first semester of Drama! I gave a great presentation and got a good grade. I'm pretty sure I passed that class...  With my life, it's just been a nonstop emotional ride.  Having a lot of issues with my (ex)boyfriend, K.

We were together until last month. I decided to take matters into my own hands and completely sever the tie between us. I refuse to continue some type of relationship with anyone who doesn't know what they want. This time I mean it. I'm now very aware of what I want out of life, and it certainly isn't that.

I had issues finding a job, to the point my parents started to get annoyed with me. I tried explaining to them I really am trying, but parents. They never hear you. So, a few weeks ago I decided to move out, and Now I live in Florida, while my family Remains in Texas.

Upon moving out, my father and I clashed heads several times. I'm glad I have made the decision to leave. It has made things for me that much easier.

School: I'm Pretty sure I messed myself up for school.

I didn't attend any class except Drama. So i'm pretty sure the rest of my classes are fucked. I also moved, so we'll have to see where that goes. 

Love Life: For the time being, since about two months now, I have decided to have no Love life. It's far less painful, and much more satisfying.  While there ARE a few potentials that i Have met lately, I just can't seem to bring myself to get into a relationship anytime soon.

I don't even like to look at men anymore, I'm just slightly bitter towards the idea. General:  I've grown so much within the past few months.  I'm now a different person.  I got a message from an anon talking about how they hope I feel better.

And I do. I feel so much better.  I'm making decisions for myself finally. And that's the way It's supposed to be.

[kevthoughts]

I really hope things get better for you~ These posts really made me emotional.. and I think it's absolutely incredible that you use tumblr as a diary.. so unique and.. just amazing. You sound really depressed and down in a lot of your entries. Please, get better. This is far by the most amazingly unique tumblr blog I've ever come across... just.. wow. You're awesome. <3 Please get better kay!

Anon you have absolutely no idea how much this just made my day! I wake up to a message like this. At that time period, Yes. I was depressed, but a lot has changed since then.

I guess it's time to update. haha 

[kevthoughts]

MARCH 30 RECAP

Oh Lord, I suck at keeping up with these lol. Well, Let's not waste any time, and let's start with: Drama (the studies and just drama with people in general) I'm obviously doing a great job in my drama class. I got to perform a song for them because i brought my guitar. It was very Impromptu type thing, but it was so fun!  I just got done with a personal issue. I was unhappy with my life where it was going, but fortunately I was smacked into reality by a great friend.  He was right, I stopped loving myself as much as I used to, and that lead me to so many dark times.  School: Well, I got really complacent with School, who knows if i'm gonna pass all my classes by this point. I'm not giving up though I still have about 5 more weeks... well four more now. But i"M sure I can turn things around c:

Love Life: I've decided many many things. Because of this, I've learned my love life sometimes manages to get the better of my emotions.  So I'm trying something new, and I"m very happy for it.  At first I tried an open relationship. It was fun and interesting and I really liked it, but in the long run i don't know if I want to do that... Even though I'm back with K, and we both agreed to have an open relationship involving women (do not ask, it's more experimental for me haha) General:  I've been up and down, and Honestly, I've just lost myself along the way. I'm working my way up from hitting an almost new type of low for me. I'm currently looking for a new job, since I quit my old one last weekend. There's a lot going on, but fortunately, I have the power to control my own actions and lead myself for a better life c:

[kevthoughts]

Kevin, why does it seem that you started out so strong and determined and then you became very depressed sounding and down?

Everyone has their strongest periods as well as their weakest periods. Unfortunately, mines lasted a little longer than it should have. Fortunately, there's already many steps being taken to go back to that strong person i was. c: 

[kevthoughts]

January 29, 2013

Completely new. I keep forgetting to keep up with these, but it's a good thing I feel like writing about my feelings.

My love life is just non-existent. It seems everything I do is always wrong which end up with people leaving me.  When I figure out what I did wrong, MAYBE just maybe i'll be able to have a stable relationship. But I really don't know at this point. I try, I fail. I try, I fail.  It's a neverending cycle of fucking up. On both ends.

My college classes just started and i'm not sure how i fully feel about them. They're not hard, but at the same time it's just blah. I have a total of six classes and on top of that a job. I'm pretty busy during the weekdays which is a good thing. 

I have not done any plays lately and i'm losing my acting touch. I guess such is life. You're doing one thing one minute and not doing it anymore another. If only i could find a group of friends to film random sketches with. I'd be fine with that. 

In general I'm okay. Not that it really matters to anyone. I'm alive, i'm well, i'm working, and i'm getting educated.  This post is relatively short, so I'm just gonna leave it like that. 

I really like someone right now, but i don't think he even knows what he wants to do with himself. which is just my luck lately.  I don't mean to leave this post on such a melancholic note, but this is where I will stop. I'll try to post another one in a couple of weeks and see where i am from there. 

[kevthoughts]

Monday, September 24, 2012

New Year, new thoughts, new life. 

Love Life:  about 5 months have passed since My break up. The previous relationship ended on such a random ending that it isn't even worth talking about. However, it's changed my views on men altogether permanently.

I do not trust a man's word until they prove it with actions.

However, I've had quite a record of going through them within those months. 

So many curious Army men within 5 months. . .

So I come to my month of May, where I met 3 soldiers. Each of them took a random interest in me in various levels. All in one week. The first just tried an all night stand, but it failed. The second tried to have relations with me while drunk, wasn't going to happen. But the third one; the third man, somehow managed to catch my attention long enough to like him.

This man, is the man I am currently with today. We've had our ups and downs. And on and off, because after all, he was straight when we met, so all that confusion about what he wanted was normal.

K. First letter. Just like mines. K. Same name as my brothers, but different spelling. He and I are so alike, yet so different. It fascinates me, and also confuses me. But, That is all I will say about him.

Drama (life drama and Drama studies):

So far the only drama that's been going on for me is the confusion that's been going on between K and I. We're still in process of figuring out what exactly we want to be to each other. We've only been together for 2 months, yet it feels like so much longer. 

My colleges that I've applied to, never accepted me. I applied for a third one, and that turned into a bust. Walking around aimlessly; high school graduate, with only a job and a relationship, I had no college to look forward to.  That is until I moved to the United states. I'm enrolled in a community college, and I will be continuing my studies in Theatre.

School:

Even though I got accepted to community college, I start in the spring. Not much to say in here yet, except that I'm pursuing my Theatre degree. And that the college itself is only about ten minutes away from where I live. :) I thought that I would be away from my family by now, but I'm still with them for a little while longer.  

General: While I've had a lot of setbacks through my last months of high school, and even a few months after, I am still going strong. I am happy with where I am and where I"m going.

As always I continue to go through the obstacles that cross my path as calmly as possible. 

It's been awhile since I last posted, but hopefully I can keep up again. 

[kevthoughts]

January 22nd--RECAP

Here is my once a month post. There's a lot to consider now that there's only a few months left before I graduate high school.  Love Life: Sad to say, but after a good 5 months I have been with the guy I started this Blog with, We are no more. The details are just too much to explain and it's rather useless to keep talking about it. I've grown to become highly detached to people now after all this. I Love my friends, and My family, but at the same time, you must not get too attached. It's the only way to survive in this type of generation.

Drama: There's not really much of this anymore for me, because as soon as it starts to happen, I would rather not get involved, if I get brought into it, I find that the people involved aren't deemed worthy to be in my life in the first place, so I just cut them off. However, in school, I find a lot of people not taking Drama CLASS seriously, and that just angers me because I take so much effort and time into it.

School: It's towards the end of the 2nd quarter, 1st semester, and we're getting ready for mid-terms. OH I made a cute little acronym thing for Mid-Terms: Mind Is Dumb To Even Remember My Shit MIDTERMS <3 LOL But yeah, it's getting that much closer to graduation, when I'll have to get ready for college. It's some seriously crazy stuff.

General: Although I had quite a messy end of the year, This year is full of opportunities and happiness. I can already feel it. Since I turned 18 many doors have been opened already. When I wake up in the mornings I do not feel shame or ridicule. I am happy where I am and will continue to work for what I believe in. Because frankly, I don't NEED anyone else in my life. If a person is in my life, it's because they deserve to be in it. Other than that, I do not care much.  

[kevthoughts]

December 21- RECAP

I'm starting to find myself doing these about once a month, but it's whatevs... So there's been some changes, but not all that much once again. Love Life: Once again I continue to date the guy I started this blog with, making it 5 months. This is my official longest lasting relationship I've had so far with my life. I am excited yet sad at the same time because of the fact that I've not seen this man physically once in my life and I can maintain a healthy relationship with him for this long. I see him for the first time in about less than 6 months now. My graduation week; it's going to be the best/worst moments for me considering I'm graduating and getting started with my life, but happy to know I won't start alone and I will have something to go with.

Drama:  There isn't much drama since the last few months, so there really isn't much to say here. I WILL say however, that I notice a lot of crap that happens in my school and it annoys me to have people worry about such petty things, when there are a LOT more important things going on in life than what is going on between friends. 

School: Currently, I"m on Christmas break. The second quarter is nearing it's end. I have so much Algebra work to catch up on. It's actually quite annoying. I know the stuff, but I'm to lazy to do it. So I don't know what's up with that. Still haven't heard from any colleges so (OH WELLLLLLLL) I hope I get at least SOMETHING soon.

Plays: The Play "Charley's Aunt" was very good and it was also a success! We got it together on our LAST rehearsal. This might be my last play for the rest of the year, So I might just help out with crew in other plays for the rest of the year. I can also maybe direct a play myself sometime soon, but I"m not sure what or if I even want to do that. 

General:  I'm enjoying my life so far, and working through any obstacles that cross my path, I would say that this has been a very enlightening year for me. With me growing up, seeing different things, learning new ways, and a newfound faith. Hopefully I can keep the people in my life that I want and may I get what I need from wherever it comes from.

[kevthoughts]

November 21- RECAP

Okay so since last time, there have been a few slight changes, but not all too much. Starting with love life: I continue to date the guy that I started this blog with. He really makes me happy. We work together in many ways even if the going gets tough. I feel somewhat of a hardship coming, but only because of Ex-drama. But that's normal. I don't feel all too threatened, but at the same time, I don't think it will be the last I hear from this in a bit. I find it rich and crazy how much I fell for a complete stranger. It's almost like a romance novel. But you know what they say about things that are too good to be true. I have prepared myself to fight for what I Love, and I intend to keep it in my heart.

The Drama that has been going on in my high school between friends has passed a bit, so things are a lot calmer, although we have become a lot more disconnected. No matter, that's not something to stress so much about. Either we'll come back together, or not--it doesn't bother me all that much, I have way more important things to worry about than petty friendships that may or may not last.  

So I am almost through half of the second quarter, and I've finally applied to 2 colleges so far. I'm quite excited for the results of what may happen in the near future. HOWEVER, I realize from reading old report cards and such, I really need to step it up and take charge of my life and my responsibilities. I am halfway out of my home to explore the world, and I need to take care of myself. The play was a complete success! The Honk! Junior production went off with a bang. Everyone did a spectacular Job with everything, and everyone who came to watch enjoyed every minute of it. I feel so proud. Also, within the last week of performance I already auditioned for yet ANOTHER play, which is called "Charley's Aunt" it is a comedy and I play one of the lead roles. I hope this one is just as good to perform as my other ones. I want to finish my senior year with so many plays in my selection. I must say I am doing so well for myself in comparison to the last time I posted. I'm halfway out of my parents home, out into the world, and into a new place within 7 months. I have to get a lot of stuff together before I am even ready to leave. It's both exciting yet terrifying! And with that, hopefully everything just keeps going up from here. That's about all so far in this recap. 

[kevthoughts]

Re-cap of my life so far.

So, since I've last posted I think it's time for a good ol' reflection:

I'm still in a relationship with the guy I've been talking to since I started this thing. I must say I am really happy to be talking to him and just enjoying his company as much as I can. We talk almost every single day and we have conversations that have substance, such as life, what makes us who we are, and so on and so forth. We have little random sexual talks, but it's not the base of our relationship, which makes me even happier. I hate when guys only talk about sex or being sexual. There is plenty more topics to talk about besides that. Intellectual conversations are what mostly go on between my and my boyfriend.

There is so much drama going on in my high school and a few of my friends. My best friend won't really talk to me because she just doesn't want to talk about what's "wrong" with her and that I need to stop prying. Apparently I don't know the difference between prying and just wanting to know how a friend is doing. So I don't understand. Another one of my best friends cut off herself from another friend of hers because she is being fake and such. Personally, I prefer to stay civil with everyone; I don't like taking sides.

Senior year in high school, and the first quarter is almost finished. So much felt like it has happened, but at the same time not much. I'm saving up money for what is going to happen in graduation. My boyfriend is going to visit. It makes me happy because it's really hard as is and knowing he's coming brings me more motivation. It's not a hard year, it's just... I'm lacking something. But I'm working so hard for it.

I'm assistant director for one musical in our local theatre. The musical is called Honk! Jr. It's about the ugly duckling but in musical form. I am not only assistant directing, but I am also playing one of the characters. I enjoy doing theatre so much. I want to pursue that as a career. Which is why I want to go to NY for college in the near future. I think that's my life all in a nutshell. I'd say a good start to my school year so far, regardless of the drama that is happening right now.

However, I will always be there for my friends, even if they choose not to be there for me. The things I will sacrifice for my friends and Loved ones.

[perkyjessie]

[kevthoughts]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

This is a good one. I think one of my earliest memories of life weren't even mines. I think they belonged to someone else. I have this one memory of being in this house, it was sunset, and I was with a dad and a mom, they were talking to me in spanish and I responded back in spanish, but I knew that Those two weren't my parents, they were random people. It was the oddest thing. Sometimes I thought of it as a dream, but I remember it to this day ever since.

[kevthoughts]

Hi, My name is Kevin Alicea-Febus. This is my second blog along with the Loyalkid blog. My Loyalkid blog was more a bit of randomness, while this one will be more... Intimate? I don't know.  But I'll be talking more about my day to day life here and such. I will also post my own edited photos and everything.  So Time to share a little bit about me:

Currently, I am 17, I give no label on my sexuality although I am seen as gay. I am somewhat shy sometimes and sometimes I am not. I like to make new friends and meet new people. I like going off on adventures, Seeing and doing things that may seem fun or do normal things with a different twist. I give my life variety, although it's hard sometimes, I keep on going. I am currently taken, and I plan on being with him for a very long time, so please don't try and get with me or anything. 

I am a senior in high school, although people who hang out with me forget my age and that I'm in high school for some odd reason. My family are a bunch of crazy people, but I love them with all my heart. I am also basically the black sheep of my family, I'm so different from them.

My philosophy on trusting people is to trust them 100% until they give you reason NOT to.  I want to give everyone a chance to prove they're a good person. However, there ARE times when I just can't click with a person because something about them repels me.

Okay, so that's basics about me. And This blog is more for reflection on where my life is going, my past, and my possible future, If you follow, cool, if not, I'm not going to attack you. Feel free to ask all sorts of questions no matter how saucy they are, I like to answer questions regardless of how challenging it is.

Thanks everyone, and I hope everyone else who reads has a great rest of the year.

<3 Much Love <3 Kevin Alicea-Febus (Loyalkid)