Khadeeja

the accounts of my journey of Self Improvement

[khadeejaaaa]

#RandomHarshRealities

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is tell the truth. Just think, how many people would hate you if you told them how you really feel. If you were completely honest about your current experience in this life you’d probably ruffle some feathers or even loose some friends.

[khadeejaaaa]

Am I Homophobic?

I do not want a gay son. Does that make me homophobic or anti-LGBTQ?

As a mother, raising a Black Man in American, I have several fears for my son. Ideally, there are things I expect of him and goals that I hope that he attains. This discussion aside, it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to raise a respectable human being who contributes positivity and kindness to this world.

There are a lot things that I don’t want my son to become, including a womanizer, a drug dealer, a drug addict, a high school drop-out, a POLICE OFFICER and maybe a few more. I express my ideas on specific topics based on current conversations on social media. The bond I have with my son can never be broken and I will love him no matter who he becomes, yet my expectations for his life are idealistic and traditional. However, I never thought NOT wanting him to be gay made me a homophobic person.

After posing this question on my Instagram Story, my survey results were stimulating. I honestly didn’t think anyone would disagree with me but when they did, my brain started asking questions. Could I really be homophobic? Do I hate gay men? How could I, if my closest friends are gay men? One of whom responded to the survey with great insight. Did I hate him? I’ve never discussed this with them so I was genuinely interested in his perspective. He mentioned that while this position may not make me homophobic, it does make me “questionable” in his eyes.

That was disappointing and hurtful, so I could imagine how he felt after seeing the question I posed. I didn’t realize that saying this made him feel less than, or incompetent. He went on to say I should accept my son for who he is and most mothers of the gay community have disowned their sons because of this exact stance. This is the part where I make myself completely clear. I would never disown my son or make him feel like he has failed me. Again, for the people in the back, my son is the only thing I have and he is perfect in every way, no matter what path he chooses in life. The context of punishing your child for being gay is not where this is coming from so please contribute intelligent, realistic thought to this conversation.

This question was posed to open a discussion that is rarely had in an honest, safe forum. Again, I genuinely love my friends and they are brave, strong men. At the same time, I have to be honest with myself and my thoughts. So, after being called homophobic, I started to go inward. I had to ask myself the real questions to get to the real answers.

First, let’s break down the word, homo-phobic. According to Webster’s dictionary, homophobia is ‘an irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals. So after I went into thought, I had to realize my truth. I am in fear of my son being a gay black man, because my ideal man is not gay. But I am not afraid of my friends, or any gay men, they are some of the most lively, positive people I’ve ever met. So again, I was confused. Is there an either/or stance to take?

I reached out to my best friend for his advice and perspective, he is also gay. He pointed out that my fear comes from the perspective of a black woman, who have had her own experiences with and exposure to gay and down-low men. I can add that my ideals come from the childhood familiarity that I have, being raised by a 50 year old single father. My dad set the tone for my expectations of men and I’d like my son reflect that. I have no doubt in my ability to raise a “good” man (good being relative), however the influences of society are mostly what I fear, not the homosexual lifestyle itself. I am a very open minded person who is intelligent enough to accept people for what they bring to the world and not who they have sex with.

I am on a journey of self-improvement which includes exploring my fears and questioning why I have them and where they come from. I encourage all people to join me in doing so. However, it is imperative that we have a space where we can all do this peacefully, intelligently, and without judgement.

No matter the stance YOU take, we should not feel ostracized for having an opinion against the matter, and especially for having expectations for our own children. The irony that surrounds this conversation is the fact that we are criticized and ridiculed for our opinions, against a community whose sole purpose is inclusion and acceptance.

[khadeejaaaa]

How to Release Jealousy and Anxiety in Your Relationship.

Am I good enough?

Is he/she cheating?

Am I secure? Should I have a backup plan?

How long will this last?

First, identify where the problem is coming from. Notice your own insecurities and how they manifest outward. Are they focused on the idea that your value is defined by outside forces? If so, these forces change, looks will fade, money comes and goes, people change as do their preferences. If your happiness and source of power depend on outside energy then you will always lose. Learn and understand yourself and how you were raise. Who taught you about love? How did love exist in your home growing up? Did it? Do you understand your perception of love? What things/thoughts should you release regarding love?

Stop competing with outsiders (or your partners)

Learn what you bring to the table outside of material needs

Understand that differences create the fabric that weaves you two together

Second, find your way of being, in the relationship. Allow him to fill in the voids. Understand that you have a special place in your partner’s life and a role that no one else has. You are their lover, encourager and friend. This is a place that a mother, sister or brother cannot fill. Be confident in that space and learn to make it benefit your relationship and their life.

Your way of being: Do you listen to them and see them clearly? How well do you connect? Are you able to see weaknesses while also support opportunities? Being this close to someone allows you the advantage to help them grow. What do they need? How can I encourage them to reach their best potential? Who do they need me to be in order for them to grow and learn?

Be the giver of these things. Ask these questions instead of asking questions like, am I good enough?

Lastly, continue to work on yourself. Be your best self throughout the time. Do not slack on working out and being creative as an individual because your partner may feel stuck after a while. In building yourself up and overflowing with energy and confidence you can now be secure without issue in your relationship without question.

[khadeejaaaa]

Am I Homophobic?

I do not want a gay son. Does that make me homophobic or anti-LGBTQ?

As a mother, raising a Black Man in America, I have several fears for my son. Ideally, there are things I expect of him and goals that I hope that he attains. This discussion aside, it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to raise a respectable human being who contributes positive energy and kindness to this world.

There are a lot things that I don’t want my son to become, including a womanizer, a drug dealer, a drug addict, a high school drop-out, a POLICE OFFICER and maybe a few more. I express my ideas on specific topics based on current conversations on social media. The bond I have with my son can never be broken and I will love him no matter who he becomes, yet my expectations for his life are idealistic and traditional. However, I never thought NOT wanting him to be gay made me a homophobic person.

After posing this question on my Instagram Story, my survey results were stimulating. I honestly didn’t think anyone would disagree with me but when they did, my brain started asking questions. Could I really be homophobic? Do I hate gay men? How could I, if my closest friends are gay men? One of whom responded to the survey with great insight. Did I hate him? I’ve never discussed this with them so I was genuinely interested in his perspective. He mentioned that while this position may not make me homophobic, it does make me “questionable” in his eyes.

That was disappointing and hurtful, so I could imagine how he felt after seeing the question I posed. I didn’t realize that saying this made him feel less than, or incompetent. He went on to say I should accept my son for who he is and most mothers of the gay community have disowned their sons because of this exact stance. This is the part where I make myself completely clear. I would never disown my son or make him feel like he has failed me. Again, for the people in the back, my son is the only thing I have and he is perfect in every way, no matter what path he chooses in life. The context of punishing your child for being gay is not where this is coming from so please contribute intelligent, realistic thought to this conversation.

This question was posed to open a discussion that is rarely had in an honest, safe forum. Again, I genuinely love my friends and they are brave, strong men. At the same time, I have to be honest with myself and my thoughts. So, after being called homophobic, I started to go inward. I had to ask myself the real questions to get to the real answers.

First, let’s break down the word, homo-phobic. According to Webster’s dictionary, homophobia is ‘an irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals. So after I went into thought, I had to realize my truth. I am in fear of my son being a gay black man, because my ideal man is not gay. But I am not afraid of my friends, or any gay men, they are some of the most lively, positive people I’ve ever met. So again, I was confused. Is there an either/or stance to take?

I reached out to my best friend for his advice and perspective, he is also gay. He pointed out that my fear comes from the perspective of a black woman, who have had her own experiences with and exposure to gay and down-low men. I can add that my ideals come from the childhood familiarity that I have, being raised by a 50 year old single father. My dad set the tone for my expectations of men and I’d like my son reflect that. I have no doubt in my ability to raise a “good” man (good being relative), however the influences of society are mostly what I fear, not the homosexual lifestyle itself. I am a very open minded person who is intelligent enough to accept people for what they bring to the world and not who they have sex with.

I am on a journey of self-improvement which includes exploring my fears and questioning why I have them and where they come from. I encourage all people to join me in doing so. However, it is imperative that we have a space where we can all do this peacefully, intelligently, and without judgement.

No matter the stance YOU take, we should not feel ostracized for having an opinion against the matter, and especially for having expectations for our own children. The irony that surrounds this conversation is the fact that we are criticized and ridiculed for our opinions, against a community whose sole purpose is inclusion and acceptance.

[khadeejaaaa]

Self Love got me lookin like money! 😝🙌🏾💦💰

[khadeejaaaa]

Choose your thoughts wisely

Most people don’t listen to their thoughts.

Notice, when you stop talking you still have a voice, and the only person who can hear it is you. The most important key to success (and life itself) is using this voice wisely and positively. Most of our thoughts just come to us and we are unconscious to it. However, to me, being ‘woke’ is being aware of the thoughts you choose and understanding that your life will constantly reflect those thoughts. To be unconscious to your subconscious is literally impossible so it is your responsibility to be aware.

 I have always been a thinker.

Some people confuse my inward focus as anti-social but I honestly like to listen and talk to myself so that I am aware of what’s going on in my head. Our thoughts are not on auto pilot. Though we may have been conditioned to believe certain values, it is up to us to take control of our thoughts, thus taking control of our lives. Once we increase positivity in our thoughts it will reflect in our lives and choices. I have been conscious of my thoughts for 2 years after reading The Magic but sometimes I get distracted and caught up in my old way of thinking.

 No one can hear the voice in your head.

You are the only person who knows what you’re thinking so there is no reason to be afraid or feel judgment. When you look in the mirror what is the first thing you say to yourself? This voice should be your biggest fan. That voice should tell you how beautiful and smart and deserving you are. You are responsible for loving yourself and it starts with that voice in your head, your thoughts. Lately, when I look in the mirror, I have noticed my skin glowing and my smile growing. I can see the results of my self-reflection. I say my affirmations in the shower every morning and I work out to songs that tell me how “bad” or “beautiful” I am, my favorite is I’m the Best by Nicki Minaj. The self-love I’ve found is exuberant and it even shows in the pictures I take.

 My goal is to use my mind to create the life I want.

I know that the Universe is abundant. There is no lack of any resource, except time. We create limitations in our life by saying things like, ‘I don’t have enough money’, or ‘it’s too late’. However, when we say things like this, we create anxiety in our head space which leads to chaos and panic in our lives. This is why we have to be current in the moment of life. Make choices in the present, not based on the past and not based on lack. After moving home, it was hard to find a job in my field now that I am on felony probation. Two friends and my own sister suggested I become a stripper as a back-up plan and I almost felt this was a good idea. However, my mind knows that stripping is not a career I would choose and, not to offend anyone, but I am smarter than that. Instead of going to auditions I continued my job search and knew in my heart that I am worthy, and just because I have a criminal record doesn’t make me a bad person. The more I thought this to myself, the more it became true. Now I provide technical support for Congressmen and Women on Capitol Hill after passing all background checks. The point is, I never accepted the stripper mentality, instead I chose to think differently and continue working towards my goal with faith that one day my career would be back on track.

[khadeejaaaa]

[khadeejaaaa]

We have The Power to create the life we want.

My newest read is ‘The Power Is Within You’ by Louis Hay and I love it so much, I hate to put it down. This book is exactly what I needed at this exact time of my life. Louis Hay uses her education in metaphysical science to express how important it is to think and speak positively. This is a concept I learned exactly 3 years ago and I constantly remind myself to enforce this powerful law in order to create the life I want. The law of attraction, or “The Secret”, was brought to me in the form of a book. During one of our many days running the streets of Atlanta, Network handed me a book and said “Aye, Shawty you need to read this! I read it when I was locked up and you would like it.” This and many other moments like it contributed to my love for him. He handed me The Magic by Rhonda Byme. After being reluctant to reading it, thinking “Who’s he to tell me what to read. HIM of all people.” If you knew my sons father this would make more sense. Eventually, I read the book, because I’m a sucker for literature and dark men. ☺️

The Magic changed my life. It was my first time being exposed to “The Secret” and it included daily practices to implement. The Magic taught me to be grateful for everything I have in order to obtain more things. It taught me to think positive in each situation in order to achieve a positive outcome. This is a simple law, something we hear all the time. It’s casually blurted out as encouragement in tough times, but when we actually make this law apart of our daily lives it becomes life changing, and I have sound proof of this. One of the small tasks in The Magic was to make a list of what you are grateful for while holding visual images of the things you want for yourself. My list was easy, detailed and honest. I was genuinely grateful for my sight, my career, my free spirit, my loft downtown and my family. I added to the list throughout each day but I underestimated the power of what I was doing.

I was a beautiful 26 year old woman, living in Atlanta. My wants and visual images were slightly superficial and a lot different from what they were before I moved. This new found me wanted a nice car that I didn’t have to pay for and a man to supplement my lifestyle while I took a break from my career. And though I had what I wanted, was partying every day and had made some nice friends, New Me was lonely. I left DC looking to find myself but this only made me more distant. I now wanted the familiar feeling of home, I wanted purpose and value in my life. Even though my friend gave me a different car every week, deep down I wanted a baby. I didn’t express this to anyone out loud I wasn’t even sure if I was ready, mentally. I did know that both of these relationships were temporary. I was using one for his money and the other for Fun! I didn’t want a family with either of them, so when I felt alone, I reached out to the only person who knew my journey. In early 2015 I told my ex how alone I’d been feeling and I remember saying on many occasions, ‘I am having a baby next year, with or without you,” little did I know, by speaking this out loud I was placing my order with the Universe. Now despite my pregnancy test results being negative in March, I was pregnant that year and had my son right before Christmas.

This story, while missing many details, is one of many personal experiences proving the power of my words and while spoken word holds much power, the feeling and expression of immense gratitude is the force needed to manifest your visual images.  

[khadeejaaaa]

Play this song every morning while getting ready! 

[khadeejaaaa]

The Strained Relationship Between Black Mothers And Their Daughters

For many Black mothers, the idea that they could ever be guilty of any wrongdoing against their child, a person that they take care of, is just absurd.

This is the most insightful article I’ve read all year...and I loves me a good article :) If you’re a daughter of a black mother please read it with an open mind and heart. 

[khadeejaaaa]

Wear your crown Loud &Proud... &even if they cant see it They’ll KNOW its there!

[khadeejaaaa]

why not Write?

Moving to Atlanta my escape. My choice. My freedom. Me chasing my dream. My way of taking control of my life and my destiny. It is probably the most courageous thing that I've ever done.

I came here to establish myself and become a better woman. 

With that said... welcome to the accounts of my journey. please stick around, I promise you wont get bored.