I do not want a gay son. Does that make me homophobic or anti-LGBTQ?
As a mother, raising a Black Man in American, I have several fears for my son. Ideally, there are things I expect of him and goals that I hope that he attains. This discussion aside, it is my responsibility to do everything in my power to raise a respectable human being who contributes positivity and kindness to this world.
There are a lot things that I don’t want my son to become, including a womanizer, a drug dealer, a drug addict, a high school drop-out, a POLICE OFFICER and maybe a few more. I express my ideas on specific topics based on current conversations on social media. The bond I have with my son can never be broken and I will love him no matter who he becomes, yet my expectations for his life are idealistic and traditional. However, I never thought NOT wanting him to be gay made me a homophobic person.
After posing this question on my Instagram Story, my survey results were stimulating. I honestly didn’t think anyone would disagree with me but when they did, my brain started asking questions. Could I really be homophobic? Do I hate gay men? How could I, if my closest friends are gay men? One of whom responded to the survey with great insight. Did I hate him? I’ve never discussed this with them so I was genuinely interested in his perspective. He mentioned that while this position may not make me homophobic, it does make me “questionable” in his eyes.
That was disappointing and hurtful, so I could imagine how he felt after seeing the question I posed. I didn’t realize that saying this made him feel less than, or incompetent. He went on to say I should accept my son for who he is and most mothers of the gay community have disowned their sons because of this exact stance. This is the part where I make myself completely clear. I would never disown my son or make him feel like he has failed me. Again, for the people in the back, my son is the only thing I have and he is perfect in every way, no matter what path he chooses in life. The context of punishing your child for being gay is not where this is coming from so please contribute intelligent, realistic thought to this conversation.
This question was posed to open a discussion that is rarely had in an honest, safe forum. Again, I genuinely love my friends and they are brave, strong men. At the same time, I have to be honest with myself and my thoughts. So, after being called homophobic, I started to go inward. I had to ask myself the real questions to get to the real answers.
First, let’s break down the word, homo-phobic. According to Webster’s dictionary, homophobia is ‘an irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals. So after I went into thought, I had to realize my truth. I am in fear of my son being a gay black man, because my ideal man is not gay. But I am not afraid of my friends, or any gay men, they are some of the most lively, positive people I’ve ever met. So again, I was confused. Is there an either/or stance to take?
I reached out to my best friend for his advice and perspective, he is also gay. He pointed out that my fear comes from the perspective of a black woman, who have had her own experiences with and exposure to gay and down-low men. I can add that my ideals come from the childhood familiarity that I have, being raised by a 50 year old single father. My dad set the tone for my expectations of men and I’d like my son reflect that. I have no doubt in my ability to raise a “good” man (good being relative), however the influences of society are mostly what I fear, not the homosexual lifestyle itself. I am a very open minded person who is intelligent enough to accept people for what they bring to the world and not who they have sex with.
I am on a journey of self-improvement which includes exploring my fears and questioning why I have them and where they come from. I encourage all people to join me in doing so. However, it is imperative that we have a space where we can all do this peacefully, intelligently, and without judgement.
No matter the stance YOU take, we should not feel ostracized for having an opinion against the matter, and especially for having expectations for our own children. The irony that surrounds this conversation is the fact that we are criticized and ridiculed for our opinions, against a community whose sole purpose is inclusion and acceptance.