Turning Tito

Just a kid adulting.

[kidadulting]

Tumblr is like a person I'd only post on when I feel some type of way... And I'm partly guilty but at the same time, ehhh

[kidadulting]

At one point in my life - at least I was just reminded of now - this song was dedicated for me.

I was really confused about why... I guess I still am, because I never - at least I think - acted that way, nor differently with everyone. Maybe before.

[kidadulting]

Godric’s QR Code

Godric’s QR Code

[kidadulting]

Just tired. Even of wanting or trying to say why or how it led to this

[kidadulting]

I think I've bottled up my feelings for way too long now

[kidadulting]

Fever dreams without fever

[kidadulting]

Birthday.

Trauma.

The kind where you dread it.

The kind where you remember how other people ruined it for you.

The kind where when nothing bad's happened, you make ways to make sht happen.

[kidadulting]

[kidadulting]

Hello darkness Tumblr, my old friend.

[kidadulting]

I'm at work, when my mind suddenly wandered off somewhere. It always does, you know how it goes, but it's different, as I felt my eyes smoke as visions of a friend crept upon me. He's crying because I'm "gone".

And then I thought of how I've been holding on to this life, despite everything. The thoughts, the plans, the attempts... to take my own life.

And then I thought of Mikey (The Bear) and the mess of leaving your loved ones behind. Everything's already messy as it is, in the show and irl, but I dunno.

This must be the hundredth time I'm saying this, but I've always thought of what people would think, or feel, or how'd they react, when they see me gone.

Dunno where that came from, all I could think of is in Yu Yu Hakusho where "Eugene" gets to witness his folks actually grieve him.

Does mine come from that curiosity - or am I just neglected that I'm that curious to find out? Given our family history, I could say I'm not neglected. I'm... fine.

But there must be something about how my mind works, or has become.

As the thoughts of my friend crying passed, I thought of how I seem to have this plan. That one day I might do it. That one day I'll be able to pull it off. That one day I'll be triggered to do it. That one day I'll be gone for real.

But for now, I'm live to see the good stuff.

In spite of all the shit.

[kidadulting]

I don't come from a big family. We're often on our own. And we also don't have any generational wealth, nor significant family heirlooms and such.

But my grandma has apparently remarried in her middle-age, and the guy passed away a couple of years ago. Just today (well, yesterday) she gave me a ring that he owned. She said he entrusted it to her, and then she's trusting me to keep it now, too.

I don't know, but there's something about the trust given that made me feel appreciated. Especially, despite my current situation full of self-doubt and anxiety and all the lows.

I guess, since we haven't really had much, even my parents, that this situation feels unfamiliar.

[kidadulting]

One thing I hate about myself is when I feel extremely anxious, I would never tell anyone. I'd keep that, all to myself. I'll have mental images of what could be, what is wrong with me (ARE, rather), and pester myself of what it is that's making me anxious.

I've been here before, but the stakes are higher. I could lose everything, even though I have nothing.

[kidadulting]

Tired.

Worried.

Lost.

Sick.

Envious.

Hopeless.

Fucked.

All

at

once.

[kidadulting]

[thedorkreadstheworld]

I just came across a Facebook post about a theory called “The Last Meeting.” It suggests that once you and someone have completed your journey together and learned the lessons you needed, the universe ensures you will never meet again.

I find that thought comforting since there are definitely people who are no longer part of my life, but I’m at peace with that. It frames past relationships—whether friendships, romances, or even fleeting connections—as something purposeful, rather than just losses. And it’s really comforting to think that certain chapters are truly closed, allowing space for new ones to begin.

[kidadulting]

I'll take this over the thought of me messing up past friendships and other relationships.

[kidadulting]

Is it time to throw everything away? Others have done it. Can I? Should I? But not another shift, I don't know what I'm gonna do if I mess it up again.

[kidadulting]

I realized the best podcast I've been listening to has always been there - since I was a kid.

My mom and her mom, her sisters, and whoever she's exchanging gossip with. Lol