Every Single Day I Think About Killing Jeff Bezos @killallcops69 - Tumblr Blog

Anyways

was at a bar and a 50+ year old drunk white woman complimented me and my friend's outfits, told us there was a campsite up in northern maryland where a lot of gay bears go to have sex in the woods. we asked her how she knew about this and she very aggressively said "because i'm a FAG HAG!!! but i'm not allowed to say that anymore I GUESS!!!"

couchnapping

flaccid penis... it's chic, it's hip, it's the next big thing

couchnapping

it's the next thing

wyrmicelli

me tongue-deep in a sandalwood candle: 🤤

the tjmaxx employee loading a fourth tranquilizer dart into their blowgun: i need backup

superdaisypowerhour

"if i had a time machine i would go back in time and kill hitler"

I would put sea mines around medieval britain. i would give hannibal barca ww2 era heavy artillery and tell him not to stop till he starts seeing gauls. i would give boudica a fucking abrams. i would appear before jesus like an angel and tell him "you gotta stop. not cause theyll kill you, youre fine with that, surprisingly, but because your fanclub is gonna spend about 1500 years making everything worse for everyone, everywhere." I would take a glock back in time and shoot romulus, shoot remus, and shoot that damn dog too just to be safe. i would be on the side of christopher columbus' ship in a scuba suit planting c4 on that bitch like rainbow six siege. i would be waging a one woman campaign of terror across andalusia to prevent the reconquista. i would be getting way out in front of that shit is what im saying,

lyricwritesprose

My kids once expressed a plan to me that involved a time machine, Andrew Jackson, and a hickory walking stick containing a bomb. What it lacked in practicality, it made up for in understanding the history lesson I had just given them (having at that point thrown the school's weak-ass mid-lockdown lesson plan across the room and engaged in a furious rant about the real stuff). The more you look at history, the more you start thinking you're gonna need a bigger time machine.