Help Us Shop For A Brick
On Fridays we tend to run a funny little article about criminals burning in hell or people pretending to puke but today it’s all business because we need help buying a specific brick. We can’t tell you what we’ll be using the brick for, but we can say that it needs to be dense, easy to lift, and heavy enough to crush someone’s head into a big pile of goo. Let’s shop!
Hm. This brick looks pretty normal, not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s definitely the kind of brick that we’d want if we were building a brick house or even a brick wall, but it’s not really the best brick for our purposes. Just look at this brick, do you think it could make someone’s brains go splat with one hit?
2. This brick is more of a block, kind of like the blocks that karate men break in high school gymnasiums with the power of God, but it’s a little closer to what we’re looking for. Not only is it bigger than a person’s head (very important), but it looks like it could really do some damage to a skull (also important). To be clear, we’re not trying to smash someone’s head or turn their brains to mush. It would just be great if the big brick we buy can do that as well as our intended application which is none of your business.
3. Okay so this big ass brick is actually kind of perfect. It’s clearly got enough chunk to it that a human skull doesn’t really pose a threat, and it looks like it can be sprayed down pretty easily clean it off in case it gets too dirty (let’s just say with brains, viscera, or general human meat).
Thanks for all your help with buying our new brick. Don’t worry what we’re using it for because it’s not a big deal.
You can follow Jacob Shelton on Twitter and Instagram or read more of his work in Mindfuck or in like every issue of Kill Pretty.