Dive into my world

[kimdalanon]

Ba't ba ang hirap?

Ang hirap din pala kapag nagkaron ka ng output para i-share sa mga tao 'yung nararamdaman at pinagdadaanan mo through art. Simula nung nabuhay ulit ang Linaw, wala akong nagawa kundi harapin 'yung mga bagay na iniiwasan ko sa buhay ko dahil alam kong kailangan ko silang ayusin at 'yung mga gantong issues sa buhay ko ang nagiging dahilan kung bakit meron akong napproduce na designs na may meaning. Nitong mga nakaraan, 'yung concept ng pagl-let go talaga 'yung nananaig. Ilang beses ako dinala nang iba't ibang dahilan para harapin 'yung katotohanang may mga bagay na kailangan bitawan at tanggapin na walang permanente. Dahil sa mga oras na hinayaan ko 'yung sarili ko na wag umiwas sa pag-process ng mga nangyari sa buhay ko, natutunan ko na kaya naman pala talaga ako nahihirapan bumitaw sa mga bagay na kailangan bitawan ay dahil sa takot na hindi na maulit, hindi na makita o hindi na maexperience ulit 'yung ganap.

'Yung takot na 'to 'yung inaaral kong alisin sa sarili ko kasi wala naman talagang mga bagay na kawalan. Kung may mga bagay na nawala, dahil 'yon sa simpleng rason na hindi 'yon para sayo.

Minsan kasi, tayo na mismo 'yung namimili ng mga bagay na akala natin the best pero hindi natin kinoconsider na sablay din tayo magdesisyon minsan. Gusto ko lang naman gawin 'yung tama. Gusto ko lang mabuhay nang mapayapa. Wala naman akong ginagawang masama, pero alam kong may mga bagay na kailangan baguhin para maging smooth sailing na 'yung mga kasunod na mangyayari.

Para sakin, napaka importante talaga kasi na ayusin 'yung sarili above anything else. Mahirap tumulong na bumuo ng iba kung ikaw mismo kailangan ng tulong.

Alam mo 'yung masaya ka naman sa nangyayari, alam mo naman na okay lahat, pero there's this thing at the back of your mind that resurfaces every now and then. 'Yung bagay na 'yon ang binigyan kong pansin ngayon. Inaalam ko kung bakit matagal siya naimbak don sa likod ng kamuhian ko at bakit hindi siya naayos agad.

Lahat talaga tayo work in progress, walang perpekto. Pare-parehas na tao na nakakaramdam at nagiisip. Bilang isang tao, nahihirapan din ako at sinusubukan na ituwid 'yung mga dapat ituwid.

Madami naman akong natutunan. Itong experience na 'to, ito 'yung nagsasabi lalo na gawin ko 'yung tama para tuluyan nang magkaron ng kapayapaan sa isip.

Magkaiba kasi 'yung peaceful sa labas na walang issue at gulo, pero sa loob ng puso at isip mo merong bumabagabag. Iisa lang naman talaga ang tanong ko sa sarili ko e at ayun ay "Kailan?" Alam ko naman 'yung dapat gawin. Alam ko naman 'yung mga steps na need ko para makamit ko 'yung inaasam kong kapayapaan sadyang naguguluhan lang ako kung paano sisimulan magsimula ulit.

Ganun kasi talaga ang buhay e no? Laging in pairs 'yung mga bagay bagay. Kung gusto mo magsimula uli, kung gusto mo magkaron ng panibagong beginning, kailangan may tapusin ka muna. Para mapunta ka sa next chapter, dapat may isasara kang chapter. Gusto ko na kasi umusad nang mas malayo. Malayo na 'yung narating ko e. Andito na ako oh. Dati pinapangarap ko lang 'yung estado na kung nasaan ako ngayon at ayoko na ulit maging dahilan para mawala sakin kung anong meron ako ngayon.

Parte ng healing kasi talaga is 'yung closure na hinahanap ng past self at inner child natin e. 'Yung mga bagay na hindi natin nareceive at nakuha nung mga panahong kailangan na kailangan natin sila, di naman nawawala 'yon kahit ilang taon na makalipas, kaya minsan, kapag dumating 'yung hiniling nung dating ikaw sa kasalukuyan, nahihirapan tayo na bitawan at iwan 'yung dumating kasi inantay 'yon ng dating ikaw pero gusto ko lang ipaalala sayo at sa sarili ko na din na hindi dahil inantay mo 'yan noon e ayan parin ang para sayo ngayon.

Naniniwala naman ako na ang isip ng tao, dependent 'yan sa mga bagay kung saan naexpose ang isang tao at hindi nangangahulugan na kung ano 'yung nasa isip niya e ayun ang magdedefine kung sino 'yung tao na 'yon. Madaming mga bagay na pumapasok sa isip ko pero hindi ko kinikilusan basta basta 'yung mga 'yon kasi hindi ako 'yon e. Alam kong hindi na ako 'yon at gusto ko patunayan sa sarili ko na hindi na ako 'yon. Nagbabago talaga ang tao e, kailangan lang talaga ng mga taong marunong at handang umintindi. Kaya sobrang importante na laging pagmamahal ang nananaig sa bawat isa. Ang tao kasi, kapag narealize na niya na unlimited talaga ang enerhiya at pwedeng ibigay sa mundo ng isang tao, madali nalang talaga na mag-cling sa mga bagay at experience dahil hindi mo naman nakukuha 'yan dati e. Kaya mahirap talaga maging tao kasi 'yung mga bagay na masarap, madalas ayun pa 'yung nagpapasama. Ayan 'yung irony ng buhay e, nilagay tayo sa sitwasyon na pwede tayong magfocus sa sarap at pagiging chill pero ayun mismo ang challenge na wag malulong sa sarap.

Kung tutuusin, pwede naman kasi talaga na hindi nalang problemahin 'yung ganto. 'Yung tipong is-shift mo nalang 'yung focus mo sa ibang bagay na mas makabuluhan pero nagawa ko na kasi 'yon e. Hindi pala siya effective kasi dadating at dadating ka sa punto na hahabulin ka ng mga bagay na tinatakbuhan mo.

Alam kong hindi lang ako 'yung may gantong problema. 'Yung problema na prone sa pag-cling at sa pagiging hirap sa pag let go. Gets ko naman din kasi kung bakit lalo na kung matindi din pinagdaanan mo para makuha mo 'yung bagay na hindi mo mabitawan. Naiintindihan ko 'yon kasi ayun mismo ang dahilan kung bakit din ako nahihirapan. Para mabuild pala kasi 'yung future nang maayos, need na maging maayos lang sa present at para maging maayos sa present, kailangan magkaron ng peace with the past. I don't have a good relationship with my past in a sense na ginugusto ko na ako nalang nakakaalam nang mga nangyari sa buhay ko, na ako nalang nakakaalam ng mga natutunan ko at gusto ko magfocus ang tao sa kung ano ako ngayon. Wala naman mali dito kung tutuusin, kailangan lang tanggapin ng mga nasa paligid na ganto talaga ako kaso ako mismo, need ko din ayusin 'yung relasyon ko sa nakaraan ko kasi kung di dahil don, di din naman ako magiging ako. Malalaman ko din 'yung mga sagot sa mga katanungan ko at magagawa ko din 'yung mga dapat kong gawin sa tamang panahon. Gusto ko lang magpasalamat sa mga taong umiintindi sakin sa mga oras na mahirap akong intindihin.

Ginagawa ko 'to kasi gusto ko lalo makilala ang sarili ko. Sa pagkkwento sainyo ng mga nasa isip at nararamdaman ko, nakikita at mababasa ko din mismo kung paano ako magisip at maghandle ng mga ganap. Ang weird no? Ako 'yung writer ako din 'yung critic. Kung umabot ko dito, maraming salamat sa pakikinig. Sana mas nakilala mo ako nang mas malalim pagkatapos nito. Sa susunod na magtatagpo tayo, alam mong 'yung kaharap mo ay parang ikaw lang din na pwede mong makausap at pwede mong masabihan na hindi ka nagiisa. Looking forward ako na sana 'yung mga sunod na ilalabas na art e hindi na tungkol sa hardships at struggle. Samahan niyo ako umabot sa point na 'yon.

[kimdalanon]

Everyone has powers. You can't change my mind.

Minsan talaga kailangan din natin ng kalinga at pagmamahal ng iba sa kadahilan na nature na ng tao na magkaron at makaramdam ng mga bagay na hindi naman natin kontrolado.

Naniniwala naman ako na pwede tayong umabot sa point na pati ang mga emosyon natin e hindi na natitinag pero hindi din kasi maiiwasan ng tao yon. Madaming paraan para makatulong satin iwan ang mundong materyal at magfocus sa kalawakan at bilang tao, karapatan mo din naman pagdaanan yan.

Totoong nagkakaron at nakakaranas tayo ng mga bagay na hindi natin inaasahan at kadalasan, dumadating tayo sa punto na hindi na natin alam kung ano ang kailangan. Lalapit sa kaibigan, kapamilya at sa kung sino mang nilalang na willing makinig. Ang hindi natin nacoconsider gawin madalas ay ang makinig sa sarili.

Ang weird diba? Baka pagkamalan ka pang baliw kapag kinausap mo sarili mo but hear me out. Lahat tayo, nagiisip at kung hindi mo namamalayan, merong boses sa isip mo na nagbabasa, nagpapakita ng mga imahe at nagiisip habang "binubulong" sayo ang sagot. Tapos tinatake lang natin 'yung credit na satin yon.

Bakit? Sige nga, patunayan mo sakin na sayo mismo nanggaling 'yung mga lumalabas sa isip mo. Lumabas lang naman 'yung concept na 'yon dahil inisip mo e. Neural patterns? Chemical reactions? Ayon na ba talaga pinakabasis ng intellect?

Kung meron tayong stream ng information na naaaccess natin sa isip, na nagbibigay ng sagot, nagiinstruct satin kung ano gagawin at gumagawa ng mga desisyon natin sa buhay, ibig sabihin merong tayong ability to create value out of "nothing".

Gets mo ba? Kasi isipin mo, 'yung iniisip mo galing lang naman 'yan sa wala. Hindi siya nageexist kanina. Lumabas lang siya nung inisip mo. You summoned a thought at will.

Ito ang maganda diyan. Kung naglalaro ka ng mga video games, aware ka na may mga iba't ibang uri ng skills ang mga mage. Ang definition ng magic dito is 'yung pagtransform ng thought into reality. Tulad ng fire magic. Kapag inisip nila na magsummon ng fire, may magmmaterialize na fire. If you look closely, ayon naman na ang meron tayo ngayon. Ibang proseso nga lang.

Sa games, ginagamit ng mages ang wand o kaya staff para mapabilis nila ang casting time ng spells. Sa tunay na buhay, ganun din. Ang wand nga lang natin is technology.

Sila, iisipin magka-apoy, gamit wand, summon ng flame. Tayo, iisipin magka-apoy, kuha lighter, summon flame.

Same thing. Different approach lang. Kasi remember, ang definition ng magic dito is transformation ng thoughts into reality. Inisip mo magka-apoy sa harap mo, nagka-apoy sa harap mo. Magic.

Naniniwala din ako na 'yung words natin, incantations yan basically. Iba't ibang sentences, iba't ibang impact.

Nasubukan ko 'to sa inaanak ko, ineexplain ko sakanya 'yung same concept na 'to at sinabihan ko siya ng "Ampogi mo naman!" tapos hindi niya napigilan ngumiti. Sinabi ko sakanya, nagcast lang ako ng morale buff spell at naramdaman niya 'yung effect.

Magic can be used to attack, protect and heal. Gamit 'yung access natin sa stream of consciousness at 'yung capability natin mag-inflict ng healing or pain, technically mga mage nga talaga tayo.

Kaya ko talaga sinulat 'to kasi napansin ko, mas madalas ako tumabay sa feed na puno ng iniisip ng iba, hindi ko na napapansin na hindi na ko tumatambay sa sarili kong feed. Which is 'yung sariling isip.

Kelan ka last tumambay kasama ang sarili mo? 'Yung hindi ka nagf-Facebook, Tiktok or Twitter. 'Yung literal na iiwanan mo sarili mo sa sarili mong thoughts. Kelan mo last pinagisipan 'yung mga need mong gawin?

Puro kasi ako hanap ng mga online community sa reddit, discord at twitter para lang ma-quench 'yung thirst ko na makakita ng content na interesado at makakarelate ako tapos kelan ko lang narealize na kapag tinype ko lang basta mga nasa isip ko dito sa notes, ito na 'yung pinaka personalized feed na puno ng content na mat-tripan kong basahin. Syempre, iniisip ko lang naman mga bagay na interesting para sakin.

A personal feed, made by me, made for me. Amazing kaya.

Kung tinuruan lang ako nung bata ako na ganto pala pwedeng gawin kapag sinasabi na "magisip" e siguro mas dinalasan ko noon. Ngayon kasi ang default feed na pinapanood natin Facebook at Tiktok which is dapat, ang default is 'yung pakikinig sa sarili.

Kaya naniniwala ako na lahat tayo matalino e pero hindi lahat mayaman. Don nagkaka-issue kasi binabase natin ang value ng tao depende sa dami ng assets vs sa capability ng tao. Once we shift the paradigm to look more into potential, don natin mappush ang buong katauhan para mapaunlad pa lalo ang magiging kasaysayan.

Kaya ko nasabi na lahat tayo matalino kasi lahat tayo pare-parehas may access sa iisang source. Call it whatever you want basta culmination siya ng lahat ng nageexist at hindi nageexist. For us to come up with new ideas from "nothing" means that some other process other than the firing ng electrical signals within the brain is happening simultaneously. Maybe there are things that science can't fully understand at the moment.

Science is basically modern alchemy. It's not really creating something "new". It's more of transforming material into something else by understanding its nature. Kaya naniniwala ako na parehas lang naman ang goal ng science at religion, which is to have a definite truth na paniniwalaan natin.

Wala kasi sa kultura natin 'yung bigyang halaga 'yung pakikinig sa sarili e. Tinuruan tayo na laging makinig sa matatanda kahit na hindi naman sila laging tama. Kung sana tinuturuan tayo mula bata kung paano gamitin ang isip, mas malayo sana ang narating natin bilang tao.

Pero di ko din naman sila masisisi kasi baka pati sila, hindi din nila naiintindihan 'yung pagiging mage nila. Pati sila, capable of doing magic, hindi lang alam paano gamitin.

Basta, you can't change my mind. Feeling ko isa akong main character sa anime kasi kaya ko magmaterialize ng thought into reality.

Kung kaya ko magsummon ng apoy, ano pa kaya kaya kong i-summon kung nagkataon?

[kimdalanon]

Hearts and Failures

I isolated myself and buried myself on the ground hoping that by being buried, I grow into something else, to grow into a more beautiful piece of art that someone will eventually appreciate.

I did grow and I bloomed to show the world that by being trapped and helpless will eventually pay off. 

I was looking for something without knowing what I was looking for, but the moment I set my eyes on you, I knew. 

Was it the way you shed light wherever you go? Was it the way your smile filled the skies with awe or maybe it was the way you held onto me when nobody else wanted to.

I am more than just a person. I’m a living paradox, a scale, a standard and even a glass of water to quench your thirst, but by being a lot of things at once, I slowly lost my sense of self. 

But with you, I feel like I’m more than what I think I am. With you, I believe that being the rawest version of me is the best version that I could ever be. With you, I didn’t have to hide nor create a whole new reality. With you, I’m at peace.

But that’s when things started fucking up. The more I think about you, the more things made less sense. Being with you brings me peace but having you in my life also brings me chaos. 

You were so good at making me feel like I’m worthy to be loved, that I am more than what meets the eye, that I am more than what everyone thinks. You were so good at holding me and making me feel things that I thought I’d never feel again. You were so good at doing things that make my heart flutter and my cheeks go red and at the same time, you seem to know how you can bring me down.

My life was more peaceful when I was only thinking about myself. But now that my feelings are all over the place and I can’t seem to sort them out, I’m here slowly going back to the cave I’ve built. 

I bloomed and grew, but you picked me up. I guess it’s time for me to plant another me. 

[kimdalanon]

Kailangan ba talagang lumipad?

Hindi ko parin makuha kung bakit halos lahat ng gusto natin abutin, maabot at mapasatin e sobrang layo ng taas. Bakit kailangan laging hindi natin abot? Bakit kailangan di pwedeng mapasatin?

Ginawa ko naman lahat para umangat at makataas. Kung tutuusin, magiisang buwan na akong hindi bumababa. Nandito lang ako sa ere, nanonood at tumitingin sa paligid. 

Hindi ko alam kung anong inaantay ko dito. Milagro? Blessing? Prophecy?  Ewan. 

Habang tumatagal ako dito, lalo akong nahihirapan bumaba at ngayong nasa taas ako, parang hindi naman ito ‘yung inaasahan kong pakiramdam ng nasa itaas nung nasa baba pa ako. Habang tumatagal, mas gusto ko nalang bumalik.

Tumubo na ang mga pakpak at wala nalang akong nagawa kundi gamitin. Andyan na e. 

Nanatili lang ako dito. Padalas nang padalas ang pag gamit ng pakpak at lalo akong tumataas. Dati, natatakot pa akong lumagpas sa dating naabot ko kasi baka malula ako. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na ‘yung takot na ‘yon kasi ngayong sobrang layo ko na, bakit hindi ako nalulula?

Paano kung tuluyan ko nalang kayang iwan ‘yung buhay ko non at dito nalang ako. Tutal, dito walang istorbo. Dito, walang magsasabing hindi ka sapat. Dito, kahit na nalilito ka na, alam mong tama ang hinala.

Siguro, masyado na akong nagkukunwaring may balot ng misteryo ang buhay ko. Sa dalas ng pagpapanggap, pati ako naniniwala na at ang mga nais talagang sabihin, nagkakatotoo na. Ganon kagulo ang buhay e. 

Pumikit nalang ako at nahiga. Pilit kong pinaiintindi sa sarili na malamig ang hangin, kasi may ulan. Pinakakalma at sinasabi na hindi ko kailangan kabahan. Tinago ko na ang pakpak baka may makakitang iba.

Hindi ko naman inaasahan pero, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Pag gising sa umaga, iniisip kung kelan siya ulit makakasama. Iba talaga ‘yung tama e. Kapag nakikita ko siya, para bang tumitigil ang mundo. Dahan-dahan siyang dadaan sa harap ko at alam kong matutulala lang ako. Nararamdaman ko pa kung paano niya naibulong kung ano ang gusto.

Nakakapagod din pala nang laging nakatingin sa baba. Nangangalay ang leeg at sumasakit ang balikat. Gusto ko na munang tumingin ng diretso at mata sa mata. Masama parin ba ako kung pipiliin ko kung saan ako mas sasaya kesa sa ikasasakit ng iba? Masama parin ba kung ang gagawin ko e ‘yung para sakin muna? Masama parin  ba ako kung sakaling mangiwan ako at bumitaw ng iba kasi kailangan ko munang magpagaan?

Sinusuntok ako ng hangin at para bang pilit akong ginising at sa pag dilat ng mata, walang makita, pulang-pula. 

Tinanggap ko nalang na mangyayari naman ang dapat mangyari. Kung may mga kailangan pagbayaran, dadating at babalikan parin ako niyan. Di bale, sa tingin ko handa naman ako kahit papaano. Wag lang siguro ako kakagatin para may oras pa akong makatakbo.

Di ako pinapatulog ng mga alaala na kapiling ka. Hindi ko alam kung bangungot o panaginip ba na sa mga sandaling kasama ka, lahat ng bagay tama at naramdaman kong wala akong kulang, salamat at dahil sayo, mahimbing ang pagtulog ko.

[kimdalanon]

I’m a walking paradox

I’m not a hypocrite. I’m just a paradox. I am one thing and I am also the exact opposite of what I am and most people wouldn’t understand that because I don’t understand it either. 

I want to have an impact to other people’s lives and I know that somehow, I managed to have a place in their lives but even with that in mind, I also want to stay on the background. I want my name to be known but at the same time, I want to disappear. 

I’m not lost or maybe I am, but I just want to be found. I believe that I’m on the right track in terms of what I want to become as a person, but at the same time, none of these feels right.

I can’t seem to stop myself from doubting the things and opportunities in front of me and as much as I want to believe otherwise, the more things seem to be too good to be true. 

Here at my work, in my current position, if you’re a fresh graduate and you graduated from ADMU, DLSU, UP or UST, you already have around 90% chance of getting hired, but if you came from schools not mentioned, you have to be an honor student first to be firmly considered. When I knew about this, I started having doubts about my skills and how I present myself professionally. Suddenly, I feel like I only have this job simply because I’m a UST graduate, not because I actually have what it takes and to be honest, it doesn’t feel good.

When it comes to my friends, I don’t want them to worry about me, but at the same time I want them to look for me when I disappear. I want to know that they actually care when I go missing but at the same time, I don’t want them to do that just because I want them to or just because I suddenly disappeared. I want them to do it, I want them to make me feel like I actually matter because I do matter to them, not because it’s something that’s expected of them. 

I know I shouldn’t just leave without saying anything, but I just want peace of mind. I want to stay away from people and have my thoughts together first. But to be honest, I don’t think staying away from people actually does anything, but I can’t think of anything else to do. 

I’d always tell people to be stoic. I would teach them to change how they view the world and to become the bigger person always so that in any kind of situation, there would be a person that would actually understand and to be honest, it kinda sucks to understand why people act the way they do especially at moments when you want them to act otherwise but how they responded is perfectly valid from their viewpoint and there’s nothing wrong with it. 

I’ve always been anxious. I believe that I constantly need to prove my worth to people in all kinds of relationship just so they would stay in my life and I can’t help but doubt people when they say otherwise.

I’ve been feeling down and awry these past few weeks and I’ve been trying to pretend like everything’s okay hoping that I actually become okay and forget that I’m just pretending but look what’s happening now. 

Talking about this to people that would listen without judgment and to people that would actually try to understand me is the best solution and approach to this issue but at the same time, I don’t want to bother people with my drama. Everyone’s got their own set of problems to deal with and I don’t want to add to their load. 

It’s ironic that I don’t want to people to worry but I intentionally go missing without saying a word. It’s ironic how much I want them to understand me when even I myself can’t understand. It’s ironic how I don’t want people to know about what’s really happening but here I am, posting this post for everyone to see. It’s ironic how I tell people to become the bigger person every time but I’m here ghosting people over my petty self-inflicted issues.

I’m not a hypocrite. I’m a paradox.

I still stay true to my word. Everything that I’ve told people is the truth and nothing but the truth. I don’t see any point of keeping things and my life’s basically an open book and it’s funny how people still don’t see the pattern. 

If you’re looking for me and want to know what’s going through my head, this is the place. It has always been and will always be. It’s just that nobody really bothered checking unless this blog is spoon-fed. 

I’m not a perfect person. I have lapses too. I know that I’m not the perfect friend--no, I’m not even a good friend to start with and this is not self-pity, it’s just that I know how I treat my friends and I don’t think that’s enough to be considered a good one and this is the exact reason why I can’t demand things from them because I feel like I’m not being fair and I hate being fair. Being fair takes too much work and I always end up giving more than needed and my belief that I give more drives me crazy as well because what if I don’t really give more, but it’s just something that I believe and the thought of being the exact opposite of what I think of myself adds pressure to this issue.

I’m a very complicated person and being this complex pushes me to detach from people simply because if this is hard for me, I know that being with me is harder. 

Giving people the benefit of the doubt works wonders. It takes my mind somewhere peaceful and it stops me from doubting people because I take their word as the truth but this only works for tricking my mind. Deep down in my heart, I just can’t feel the words they are saying and I’m not sure if they’re just saying things I want to hear or maybe I’m just to numb to actually appreciate.

If you’ve come this far then you should probably be doing something more worthwhile but nonetheless thank you for reading this. You won’t be able to read this if you didn’t intentionally go here. My social media accounts are currently deactivated and this wouldn’t be shared to any of those. The only way for anyone to get their eyes on this is to intentionally visit my blog or have their notifs on every time I do post something.

If you’re here, just know that I appreciate and I do know that you care, it’s just me that’s the problem. 

[kimdalanon]

Nakakabaliw maging ako

I’ve grown a lot since. Sobrang dami kong mishaps and I’ve learned from each lesson along the way and from my experience, one of the lessons that really got stuck with me is the art of being stoic.

Basically, you treat the world as it is. Instead of fighting for an ideal world, you just go with the flow and understand why things are the way they are from different perspectives.

Sinaktan ka? Instead of letting your emotions get the best of you, you try to place yourself in their shoes and understand why it is valid. 

Being a stoic means giving benefit of the doubt rather excessively. You do not let your impressions and initial insights stop you from giving chances away to opportunities and to people. It’s great for everyone else since they don’t have to worry about doing things that might affect your relationship with them because somehow, they know you would understand and to be honest, it’s tiring.

I’m very picky when it comes to people. I mean, I would give anyone a chance, I’d talk to them and find out if we click, but if we don’t then don’t expect anything from me. But for those few people that I actually engage with, I might not say it directly but I am already attached the moment I feel the connection.

With these people, I’d always give my 100% trust. Just like the devil, I’m a man of my word. I only say things that I actually mean and when I tell people about the things I want to do, I actually do them that’s why I always expect people to do the same.

I’ve been beating around the bush my whole life and somehow, I managed to teach myself to be honest. There’s no point of keeping secrets away especially if these secrets don’t really mean anything to other people and besides, everyone else is busy with their own lives that they barely give a shit about you.

And that’s something I realized recently. The reason why I always end up back into my cave, isolating myself from people closest to me is simply because even though I try my best to go with the flow, to understand what’s happening and to understand why they acting the way they do, I realized that I’m also just a person. 

I realized that I needed the same understanding that I give to people. I realized that I needed the same amount of love and care that I give out excessively. I know that when giving out, I shouldn’t expect anything in return, but hey, I’m just human too and as a human, who doesn’t want to be reciprocated?

I’ve been choosing the same type of people throughout the years. The intellectuals, the ones who are more than willing to learn and be corrected. These are the people that goes way beyond the superficial facade of life. These are the people that somehow, would understand my quirks better than most people and as fun and intriguing this type of people may be, I always find myself misunderstood.

When trusting these kind of people to look after me, I expect them to understand me better than anyone else since we are on the same wavelength. But it turns out, these are the same type of people that would only stay when it’s convenient for them. 

These people are here with me simply because they want the attention and other things that I do that boosts their ego but once I stop giving them out, they would try to look for me not because they actually care, but because they’re not getting their dose.

When they don’t get their dose from me, it’s either they just move on or find another source and that makes me a very temporary drug that is never a necessity but only a luxury.

This is the main reason why I can’t be left alone for an extended period of time, because when I am alone with the thoughts, a lot is going on at the same time and these thoughts just eats me alive and I can’t do anything to stop them. Having people around and spending time with them keeps these thoughts on the background that is why I choose people I want to be with meticulously. 

But now, I still feel alone. I’m not sure if I’m just numb or blind, but I just can’t feel it. I am aware that there are people out there for me, but I still feel alone and worthless. 

This is the irony of understanding; I try my best to understand people but even I can’t understand my own self. To be honest, I don’t know what I want to hear from people to stop myself from doubting them. I don’t know what I want them to show me to prove their love and care. But one thing’s for sure and it’s that I am very tired and I can’t seem to pull my shit together.

Pero sabi nga nila, kapag napapagod, magpahinga lang. Kaya ito ako ngayon, nagpapahinga.

[kimdalanon]

To be honest, life is meaningless

I’ve always believed that everyone has a purpose in life. Maybe, you were destined to change the world or even change the life of a single person. Maybe, your purpose in life is to be a lesson for the growth of other people or to become an inspiration.

You have a purpose, I have a purpose but life itself doesn’t.

One of my greatest fears is the fear of death. I can’t imagine myself not waking up tomorrow and having all my achievements in life go to waste. Of course, my legacy would still push through but up to what extent? I bet that you don’t even know who’s the grandfather of your grandfather and time will come everyone will forget you too. You’ll cease to exist completely.

As time goes by, I realized that it really wasn’t death that I am afraid of. I’m afraid of not knowing what’s going to happen next. By now, I know that you know that I don’t believe in God and what if there really is no heaven or hell? What happens after you stop breathing and your brain shuts off completely? How does it feel to not exist? 

All of humanity’s achievements and knowledge can still be wiped out. There will be a time that we will be so advanced that when we actually try to colonize the Universe, The Great Filter could come and end us. Let’s say that we manage to get past through that but even then, our solar system will come to an end eventually.  When our Sun loses all of its fuel, it will engulf Venus and Mercury and likely reaching Earth ending life as we know it. Assuming that we manage to get out of Earth and managed to find another habitable planet and we continue our species there, that solar system will still have to go through the same cycle as well.

The Universe is expanding exponentially and it has never stopped expanding ever since and knowing how small we are, we are merely specks of dust in the Universe. Even just by looking at the horizon while sitting on the seashore, you’ll realize how insignificant you are to the world. You may die and cease to exist but the world will still continue without you.

Even the Universe isn’t safe from being wiped out. People are slowly discovering new things and even if we manage to go from system to system, the Higgs Boson particle may be one of the causes of wiping out the whole Universe.

Life is meaningless. It never really had a meaning in the first place. It’s just a concept we are forced to understand because we’re here already. 

But you know what? Life doesn’t need to have a definite meaning anyway. The way we live, the way we see other people and how we enjoy our short stay gives it meaning. Everything will be gone soon and time isn’t stopping. We’re growing old and that’s something we can’t avoid. 

Ceasing to exist is part of living. If we won’t die, did we really live? So go out there and do whatever your desire is. Don’t wait ‘till it’s too late. 

[kimdalanon]

I’ll still be there for you, but not in the way you want me to be.

We’ve all been there. At some point in our lives, there are times that we stayed for people who doesn’t love us the way we do for the sole reason of being there for them because we love them regardless. 

To be honest, I find that really heroic. I find that mindset very selfless because we know that when people have no love to give, that’s the time when they need to be loved the most. But the question still stands, how long are we going to do this?

I don’t believe in God but if there’s one thing religion taught me, it’s that love should be unconditional. If we’re loving a person just for the benefits or when we’re loving a person only on their certain state, is that really love? 

But just like any other thing in the world, our capability to love is only limited and is a finite resource. Some people have more love to give simply because they have an ample supply of love that has been bottled up, ready to be shipped out to the world. 

I believe that we can never unlove a person, but after choosing them over and over again and after giving them the love you can give and still manage to throw all of those away, sometimes it’s better to choose yourself.

I don’t think that we should stop loving them but I believe we should start loving ourselves more and love them from a distance. Love shouldn’t bring you pain, love shouldn’t make you second guess yourself and love shouldn’t make you feel any less of a person. If a person makes you feel otherwise, it’s time to rethink about our choices.

I love my friends and I may have a lot of people in my network, but I only consider some of them as my friends. Talking doesn’t automatically make you my friend; being there, listening without judgment and putting your 100% trust on me makes you a friend of mine. 

I am often misunderstood, I fucked up a lot in the past but I’m just human. Everything that happened was essential for my growth and I believe that I am not the same person 2 years ago. I have matured and learned a lot from what life has to offer and for a “friend” to judge me and define me from what seems to be superficial doesn’t actually define me as a person but it defines who that person is. 

I’ve always chose to understand and become the bigger person especially when I know people wouldn’t understand my perspective at the moment. But I can only do so much, I grow tired too. 

For the longest time, I’ve always been considerate and I always make sure that my friends feel safe with me, that I will always be there for them no matter what, that even on their darkest hours, I am more than willing to be the moon that would accompany them until they see the sun shine once again but to know that some of them, after knowing me for so long, still sees me the way like everyone does breaks my heart.

I don’t want to care anymore. I feel empty and to be honest, I don’t really know what to feel. I feel betrayed and insulted. After all the trust and love that I gave, this is what I get in return? 

I’ve always thought that they are the first to understand, the first to defend me, the first to give benefit of the doubt, the first to know the truth, but after all these years, it has always been otherwise.

After loving them for so long and getting hurt in the process, I think this is the best time to take a breather. 

To the friends I’ve loved for so long, I’ll still be here if you need me, but I won’t be there the way the you expect me to be.

[kimdalanon]

Horns Below Her Halo

I’ve met saints and angels by name, songs of worship filled the room whenever they came but I knew something wasn’t right. 

It takes one to know one and my horns protruded from my head pointing towards a winged being saying there is more than what the eyes can see.

I looked upon the pedestal and there she is, an epitome of good and righteousness radiating an aura of a perfect well being but behind the wholesome facade, I saw horns below her halo.

Her wings spread out and the image of a clean slate and purity was imprinted to the minds of the people watching her from afar, I moved in a little closer and took a glimpse of what there is to know.

Seconds, minutes and hours passed and I just sat there, staring intently trying to look for an explanation. My eyes saw a beautiful maiden, sweet and caring but my ears can hear the cries of demons trying to get out.

I stood up and went around only to find another face behind her head. A smile of a murderer and cunning eyes cut through my gaze, telling me parts of her being that went over the heads of her audiences. I was amazed and honored.

My horns told me a whole new different story, my horns led me to this perfect being and showed me that illusions do exist. I stood my ground and opened my eyes a little wider only to find out that she is indeed another version of me.

I realized that I am a fallen angel. My mission to show the world the exact opposite of my nature led me to understand that having horns doesn’t equate to depravity. Seeing her stand tall on the pedestal, showing everyone the example of a taintless being and knowing the truth about her horns below her halo crushed the notion of indifference. 

She is no different from me. Even the sweetest angels have little horns that they hide from the world and I am blessed to witness the truth and in return, I would let her light shine brighter and keep her secrets to my grave. 

[kimdalanon]

I don’t want you to be another lesson

Another person, another lesson.

Everyone seems to come to my life just to teach me something I never understood. They’d barge in unexpectedly, give the best time of my life just to reach a point where we need to go our separate ways and only have the memories to bring with us. 

It’s tiring. It’s tiring to meet a new set of people just so I could understand myself a little better. It’s tiring keeping up with a lot of personalities just to find this one person that would make me change my mind. 

I stood by the porch and watched how my life unfold. I saw how all these people run towards the horizon and never looked back, only to leave footprints behind.

My life was written in chapters with each chapter comes with its own story. Each story represented a person and at the end of each chapter was a lesson only I can understand, that only I could use. 

Every relationship, whether romantic or not was actually a reflection of myself. How things worked out, how things didn’t work out was an image of how I could’ve done things in a better way. 

I love to learn but learning seems to suck the life out of me. Each period made me a better person, each time I’d hit rock bottom, I’d find a new way to climb to the top but this time, I want to just sit down and relax.

I know you’re out there, living your own life, doing things that will mold you to become the best version of you and I hope when our paths cross, I am the best version of myself too. 

I’m complicated and to be honest, I don’t really know what I want to do but just thinking of having you by my side makes life worth exploring. 

Maybe this isn’t our time yet, or maybe I already took you for granted but I still hope that the next time I see your face, the next time I hear your voice, the next time you look me straight into my eye, I’ll know that you’re the one for me.

I don’t want you to be another lesson. 

This time, I want you to stay. This time, I want you to be there and witness how I grow and actually become part of it and I want to be there for you too. I want to be the first person you’d contact when you need someone, I want to be the person that pops first thing in your head the moment you wake up. 

I just hope I’d find myself sooner so I could find you.

[kimdalanon]

What have you done today?

Nagets ko na kung bakit sobrang disappointed tayo sa sarili natin. Hindi naging disappointment satin ‘yung kung anong nangyare satin ngayon, kung tutuusin proud pa nga tayo na ito ‘yung inabot natin in life kasi alam natin na natuto talaga tayo.  Sure ako na everyone still got time to improve, that everyone has the same equal opportunity to become a better version of themselves at walang ibang pwedeng magclaim ng opportunity na ‘yon kundi tayo, pero minsan sa sobrang kampante natin sa kung anong meron tayo, we shrug it off and kapag wala na ‘yung pagkakataon dun na papasok ‘yung pagsisisi na sana pala tinake mo ‘yung opportunity.

We make a lot of mistakes, we make a lot of bad decisions but that’s okay. That’s part of life at aminin mo man sa hindi, karamihan ng mga choices na ‘to e ginusto din natin at one point. 

Hindi tayo nadidisappoint sa sarili dahil sa mga choices natin. Nadidisappoint tayo sa sarili kasi hindi natin naabot ‘yung expectation natin para sa sarili.

“Akala ko malakas ako e.” “Akala ko kaya ko.” “Akala ko kapag ginawa ko ‘to, magiging ganto ako.”

Nung bata ako, I’ve always believed that I am smart, that I am gifted. I believed that for years and this mindset led me to live a carefree life. I didn’t bother reviewing because I “know” that I would pass the exams without studying. Things went on like this for years, pero nung nagcollege ako, dun ko narealize na bobo pala talaga ako.

What happened became a disappointment. Nadisappoint ako hindi sa kung saan ako napunta, nadisappoint ako kasi hindi ito ‘yung inexpect ko. 

I’ve always focused on what I didn’t do, sa kung anong dapat nagawa ko or kung anong pwede kong magawa noon. 

Things changed nung nagrephrase ako ng sinasabi sa sarili. Instead of looking for the things I didn’t do, I’d make a list of the things I’ve done instead. 

Mas nakakamotivate na gumawa ng mas maraming bagay kapag alam mong may natatapos ka, kapag alam mong may progress ka at alam mong nagkakapakinabang ka.  Regrets makes us human. Without regret, hindi naman din talaga tayo magiimprove and having regrets means that we are actually growing dahil dumating at umabot tayo sa point ng buhay natin na narealize natin na things would be better kung sakaling nagrisk tayo nung andyan ang opportunity. Regrets puts us in the right path kasi dahil hindi mo siya nagawa dati, alam mong kapag andyan na ‘yung pagkakataon ulit, alam mong iggrab mo na siya for the sole reason of alam mong mas okay ‘yon.  Kaya when you feel useless, when you feel like you are going nowhere and you nasstress ka sa dami nang kailangan mo pang gawin, isipin mo nalang kung ano na ‘yung mga nagawa mo.  Kapag naiinsecure ka sa mga naabot ng mga tao sa paligid, kesa ikumpara mo ‘yung mga nagawa nila na hindi mo pa nagagawa, isipin mo kung ano ‘yung mga nagawa mong hindi pa nila nagagawa. Lahat naman tayo may lamang sa isa’t isa. It’s just a matter of how we use these to our advantage. Kung wala ka pang nagagawa, oras na para kumilos kapatid.

[kimdalanon]

Hi, just woke up

A received a lot of messages from people shortly after I reactivated my social media accounts and everybody’s asking what happened. 

Well, I just went to sleep. I slept on everyone’s life updates, I slept on what triggers other people and I didn’t give a shit about everyone else’s bullshit. 

I’m too focused on updating myself with the life of other people that I seem to forget that I also have a life on my own. 

It’s tiring to always talk to people who only wants to talk about themselves and I’m getting tired of talking about the same stuff. Boggle my mind, challenge my insecurities, tell me things I don’t know and maybe, I wouldn’t be as bored as I am right now.

I’ve been out for exactly a week and let me tell you, being off the grid is peaceful and somehow, I got the hang of it especially this kind of digital isolation isn’t new to me. A few months back, after I lost my old phone, this is how my life was. I only have access to people when I’m at work or when I’m at home, but in between, nobody has the means to communicate with me. I also went off the grid when I was heartbroken because I can stand seeing her name online.

Trust me, it’s bliss.

Not knowing what’s happening around the world is addicting. Once you experience the feeling of solace of being isolated, you would want to be alone most of the time. 

Nobody really understands us the way we do. We are the only ones who really know what kind of a person we are because we always seem to have masks that we show to other people and they perceive that as true- even when none of that is the truth.

This withdrawal from social media made a lot of people rethink about what they’ve done or about what they’ve said because suddenly, without any warning or goodbyes, I was gone. But I considered what I am feeling first before I considered what they would feel. 

This time, I chose myself. 

For the past week, I focused more on what’s happening in my life. I focused more on what’s happening right in front of me and what I needed to do, and this led me to contemplate and reflect on the actions that I’ve done in the past few weeks. I consider this as my own version of hermitage- a retreat from a world I am living in.

I apologize for everyone who got worried, it means a lot to me and I’m perfectly fine. I just wanted to be alone for some time. 

I lot of lessons brought to me by my own experiences only showed itself when I had no one else to talk to but myself. I was surprised that unconsciously, I have already been cooking up solutions that I never thought I could come up with. 

This past week has been very beneficial to me and my retreat created a whole new perspective on viewing life as it is. 

Well, I’m back now. Hit me up if you need me. 

[kimdalanon]

I scream my metaphors

I closed my eyes and I heard all the chaos created by my mind. I tried talking myself out of it, I tried to convince myself to shut up and just let things flow but the more I do it, the more chaotic my head becomes.

I am standing still, in the middle of my sanctuary, listening to my breath and letting the Universe play its role on this moment. Life makes sense every time I do this. When I stand still, when I do nothing, life’s mysteries seems to unfold in front of me but this time, things are starting to blur.

My feet didn’t move an inch but every second brought me to a whole new place. Each place represents another complex mix of problems and solutions that just don’t work and every time my surroundings changed, the stream of thoughts seem to stack over each other instead of disappearing. 

I felt like I’m going crazy. All these thoughts seems to force themselves out of my system in any way they can and I’m trying my best to put order to this chaos. Each thought wants to be heard, each thought wants to be understood but I knew that it wasn’t time yet. 

I got tired. I got tired of understanding where each concept is coming from, what it wants to portray and how I can utilize it at a time that would be beneficial for me. I let these thoughts pass and go out of my mouth without filter. 

It was a bad idea. The output was immeasurable! I had no control and I had no time and energy to actually do something because they just keep going out and they don’t seem to stop. 

I channeled every drop of willpower that I have and I suppressed these voices in my head. It was a gruesome battle between me and myself and finally, I won. Or did I?

At this point, I am clueless to where the Universe seems to direct me to. I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know if what I have is enough, I don’t know whether I’m actually on the right path. There’s no concrete answer.

I kept walking and I trusted my feet. I didn’t know what will happen next nor what I will encounter during this journey but what I know for sure is that what I am doing is keeping me far away from what I think I understand. 

I looked around and it was dark. Streams of light can only be seen on a few selected spots but they were enough to illuminate the whole environment but I know that these lights were not enough. 

I kept walking further and picked up a stick along the way. I had my lighter ready and I lit the stick on fire. It didn’t catch fire and it was a waste of time. My intention to add light to this place was not enough for me to actually do it and it made sense that if I kept walking than stopping to actually light the stick then I have probably done so much more for myself.

I opened my eyes and I saw myself sitting on a chair in the middle of the garden. 

I was back.

My demon spoke as he lights a cigarette, “Welcome back, kid. I can hear all those narration you’ve been doing and I didn’t understand a thing. What’s happening?”

I didn’t bother answering him. I knew that he understands and he just wants to make sure that I am aware of what I am saying and truth be told, I am aware.

I speak in metaphors. I speak in a way that people wouldn’t understand unless they immerse themselves into my being and view the world from my perspective. Without wearing the eyes that I have, without using the feet that I am wearing, without utilizing the mouth and ears that’s stuck on my face, no one in this world would get to understand.

I sat there in silence, still trying to suppress the chaos in my head. I took a deep breath and said, “I hope all of this is worth it.”

[kimdalanon]

Something’s wrong with our generation

Sobrang nakakatuwa na namumulat na ang kabataan ngayon sa mga isyu sa lipunan, nalalaman na natin ‘yung mga maling nakagawian noon na hindi na natin dapat ituloy ngayon at nagagawa na din natin na magisip na mas bukas ang isipan kaysa sa mga matatanda. I’m proud of what we have reached so far.

Pero teka lang, parang behind all of this glory, parang may mali. Bakit habang tumatagal at sobrang nagiging “makatao” tayo at pinaglalaban natin ang karapatan ng iba e nakakalimutan na natin na maging tao mismo. 

Walang masama sa may pinaglalaban. Kung tutuusin, proud pa nga ako kasi natututo na tayo na i-voice out ‘yung mga gusto natin ipahiwatig na para kapag narinig ng iba, maintindihan nila ang nangyayare kung hindi pa sila mulat. Ayos ‘yan, kapatid! Pero teka lang, sa iisang parte lang ba ng pagkatao ng iba ang magiging basehan natin?

Galit tayo sa mga bulag sa katotohanan kaya pinagsisisagawan natin ang mga dapat nilang marinig para mamulat sila, pero sana naman kung manatili silang pikit e maintindihan natin kasi dun din naman tayo nanggaling. Kesa iwanan sa ere, e sana mas tulungan sila.

Tsaka isa pa, kung may pinaglalaban ka at hindi ‘yan ang pinaglalaban ng ibang taong malapit sayo, isipin mo kung worth it ba ‘yan ang maging dahilan ng pagkawatak-watak niyo dahil lang hindi kayo sangayon sa isa’t isa sa isang issue lang. 

Hindi ako actually pabor sa “cancel” culture ngayon sa internet kasi para sakin cyberbullying lang ‘yon e. Kahit naman na hindi talaga involve, iniinvolve nila sarili nila sa issue para kunwari relevant sila. Wag naman ganon. Okay lang maging righteous, pero ilulugar. 

Nung sa Endgame lang e, ganon na ba kababaw mga tao na dahil lang sa spoilers e hahayaan mo na mawalan ka ng kaibigan? After 5 years, would the spoilers still matter? I don’t think so. 

Pag dating sa usapang pulitika, dito tayo mas magkakagulo. Ako personally, ayoko sa ginagawa nila Bato. Hindi ako pabor sa pamamaraan nila at sa war on drugs at lalong ayokong maging senador si Bato kasi may mas karapatdapat sakanyang maupo don. Pero, hindi ko siya hate as a person. Ayoko lang sa ginagawa at sa gusto niyang mangyare.

Ganun din ako sa mga taong sumusuporta sakanya. Hindi ko dapat i-cutoff ‘yung mga taong naniniwala sakanila ngayon kasi ang sakin, paano kung bulag lang pala sila? Na sa point of view nila, ayun talaga ‘yung solution kasi wala tayong maipakita na alternative? Paano pala kaya ganun sila magisip kasi walang nagpaliwanag sakanila kasi kesa ipaliwanag sakanila, e iniwan sila sa ere? 

Guilty ako, I admit. Ganyan din ako nung una, na willing akong i-cutoff ‘yung mga taong sumusuporta sakanila pero naalala ko, DDS nga pala nanay ko. Naniniwala siya na may pagasa sa ginagawa nila. I-ccutoff ko ba sarili kong nanay dahil lang don? Syempre hindi! Kasi ayokong i-define ‘yung nanay ko gamit ‘yung political ideologies niya. Instead, I was there for her and we had a good conversation about it. Nalaman niya side ko, naintindihan niya at ganon din ako sakanya. Mas maganda ‘yung ganon diba?

Ayan kasi problema sa generation natin, may makita lang tayong mali, cancelledt agad. Hindi porket di kayo parehas ng paniniwala sa isang bagay e mali na ‘yung buong pagkatao nila. 

Like, sino nagbigay sainyo ng kapangyarihan para idictate kung sino ang cancelledt at hindi? Who gave you the right? Wala na bang room for improvement ngayon? Write minus wrong na ba sa buhay? Bawal na matuto at maggrow? 

Hindi ko jinujustify ang mga mali nila. That’s on them. Ang hindi ko maintindihan is ‘yung bakit kailangan mainvolve ng taong hindi naman involved talaga don sa issue.

Parang ‘yung kay Mika Salamanca, ‘yung parang may tinarayan siya na fan na bumili nung same na ring na bigay sakanya kasi parang for her, exclusive dapat ‘yon kahit hindi. Mali niya ‘yon. Di siya dapat nagtaray for that. Pero dapat hanggang don lang. Kung nagsorry siya, tapos na dapat. Back to normal na lahat, kasi hindi naman big deal ‘yon so bakit pinalaki pa? Wala namang mababago sa Pilipinas o sa buhay mo kapag hinayaan mo nalang ‘yung issue na ‘yon diba?

Uulitin ko, hindi ko sila pinagtatanggol. Hindi naman ako fan. Nakikita ko lang din ‘tong mga issue na ‘to sa social media at nawiwitness ko lang kung anong mali sa nangyayari. 

Hindi ko magets actually ‘yung nangyayaring issue sa mga influencers ngayon. Oo, malaki ang following nila, may kapangyarihan sila na baguhin ang takbo ng Pilipinas, pero hindi porket kaya nila e kailangan nilang gawin. 

Ang weird kasi na tinatawag silang mayabang at socially insensitive kapag nagbigay sila ng remarks about having a good life at sasabihan naman silang ungrateful kapag nagreklamo sila with their privilege. So saan lulugar?

Hindi ko sila pinagtatanggol, ang sakin lang, kung gagamitin nila ‘yung power nila to educate people then ayos! Nakatulong sila para maging maayos ang lipunan. Pero kung hindi, okay lang din kasi hindi naman ‘yon ang trabaho nila at paano kung mali ‘yung sabihin nila?

Ilagay niyo ‘yung sarili niyo sa ganung position. Kung ako, sumikat ako sa pagluluto, my viewers are expecting to see cooking content. So why are you requiring me to push your political views to my viewers just because I have the power to do so? What if ayoko magsalita kasi wala naman akong alam diyan. Galit tayo sa mga naging senador na hindi karapatdapat, pero pinupush din natin ‘yung mga sikat na magsalita about politics. Ano na sis?

Sobrang hypersensitive kasi natin mga tol. May mga bagay naman na hindi naman talaga issue, nagiging issue pa. I know na hindi maganda maging apathetic at minsan, staying silent means you’re becoming part of the problem, pero sana din marealize niyo na this is not a black and white scenario and some are being quiet because they got nothing to say.

Ang mahirap kasi dito, ang daming gustong maging relavant. Ang pagiging woke, hindi siya trend okay? It’s a way of life. It’s about learning about the things that are happening and viewing things in a critical manner while being sensible. 

There’s a fine line of between being socially aware and trying to fit in. Imagine, pati ‘yung kanta ng Parokya ni Edgar na Silvertoes naging issue. Given na hindi nga naman dapat na ganun pero are we really trying to save people from being offended or we are just trying to get likes and shares?

Lahat ng sobra, masama mga chong. Tamang react lang, tapos isipin niyo kung tama bang pagaksayahan ng panahon ‘yung mga bagay na sa tingin niyong “problematic” at isipin niyo kung “problematic” ba talaga at kung may naapektuhan ba talaga don kasi kung wala, magfocus tayo sa mga bagay na mas dapat pagtuunan ng pansin.

Wag tayong masyadong keyboard warrior. Wag tayong puna nang puna. Sana kung may gusto tayong magbago sa mundo e magsimula satin. Bago natin sabihin sa iba na ganito o ganyan ang gawin, sana tayo mismo muna ‘yung gumagawa. Laging sinasabihan at kinacancel ‘yung mga mayayaman kasi dapat tumulong sila at maging sensitive sa mas nakakababa sakanila, pero kayo mismo, may power din naman kayo kahit papaanong tumulong pero di niyo naman ginagawa. Anong difference niyo sakanila?

To summarize everything, ito lang gusto kong sabihin. Wag kang OA. 

[kimdalanon]

Lahat naman tayo adik

Hindi ko alam kung bakit galit na galit tayo sa mga bagay na hindi natin naiintindihan. Diba, kapag hindi natin naiintindihan doon natin mas kailangan intindihin ang mga bagay bagay para maunawaan? Pero bakit ang nangyayari e hindi na nga natin alam kung ano ba talaga nangyayari, kinukutsa pa.

Oo, aaminin ko. Adik ako. Adik ako sa madaming bagay. Sa alak, sa usok, sa pera, sa kantot, sa pakikipagsalamuha at may mga bagay na onti onti din akong naadik ngayon. Pero wala kayong karapatan husgahan ako, kasi lahat naman tayo adik. Magkakaiba nga lang ng kinaadikan.

Adik ka. Adik siya. Adik tayong lahat. 

Nature na ata kasi ng tao talaga na kapag naiiba sa paniniwala at sa ginagawa nila, kinagagalitan na agad. Ayaw muna nilang intindihin at alamin ang pinagmulan. Wala e, sabi nga nila kapag adik ka, hindi ka na nakakapagisip nang maayos, e lahat naman tayo adik kaya ‘yung mga taong madaming sinasabi, hindi na din nakakapagisip nang maayos. 

Pero hindi droga ang tinutukoy ko dito. Hindi lang naman dun pwede maadik ang tao. Magulang ko nga adik sa kape e at sigurado ako marami din sainyo ang di makapagfunction nang maayos kapag hindi nakakapagkape. May mga kakilala din ako na adik sa chismis, adik sa paglalaro, adik sa pera, adik sa gala at meron ding adik sa pagmamahal.

Para sakin, hindi talaga droga ‘yung pinaka malala na pwedeng kaadikan. Kasi kung tutuusin, may rason naman kung bakit nagiging pariwara ‘yung buhay ng mga naadik sa droga, madalas dahil ayun nalang nagiging escape nila sa buhay na hindi naman nila hiningi, pero kailangan nilang danasin. Oo, wala silang pera at minsan ang pagiging sabog nalang ang magaalis sa isipan nila na mahirap sila at droga nalang din ang nakikita nilang solusyon para magkapera. Wala e, hindi natin maiintindihan ‘yon kasi wala tayo sa kalagayan nila.

Pero alam niyo kung ano ‘yung mas nakakasira ng buhay? ‘Yung maadik sa pagmamahal. Lalo na sa pagmamahal na hindi dapat at sa pagmamahal na akala mo totoo. 

‘Yung comfort, parang drug ‘yon e. It feels great, it makes you experience the world in a whole new perspective. Kapag nakahanap ka ng taong magbibigay ng comfort sayo, ng pagkkwentuhan mo ng mga nangyayari sayo at alam mong nandyan kapag kailangan mo diyan ka magsisimula maadik.

Kung mahina ka, tapos may taong nagbigay sayo ng consistent na atensyon, consistent na sex, consistent na entertainment, diyan na magsisimula bumagsak ang buhay mo kung hahayaan mong kainin ka ng pagibig. 

Kapag nakaranas ka ng gantong kasarap na pakiramdam na hindi mo makukuha sa iba at tuluyan kang nagpadala, dadating ka sa punto ng buhay mo na itatapon mo mga pangarap mo sa buhay, manatili lang sayo kung ano man ang nakukuha mo.

Kapag naadik ka na talaga, onti onti nang liliit mundo mo. Mabubulag ka sa mga bagay na hindi mo dapat itolerate sa taong ‘yon kasi mahal mo. Magsisimula ka nang mangiwan sa mga taong andyan talaga para sayo kasi siya lang ang gusto mo. Dadating ka sa punto na iiwan mo talaga lahat para sakanya na pati sarili mo makakalimutan mo.

Merong iba diyan, nagpadelay sa college para tumagal ang pagsasama nila nung nobya niya. Meron ding sinakripisyo niya ‘yung career opportunities niya para magsama sila ng nobya niya. Meron ding sa sobrang adik niya sa nakukuha niyang atensyon e nung iniwan siya, binawi niya ang sariling buhay.

Kaya ingat ingat lang. Wala naman masama sa pagmamahal, dapat nga matulungan ka pa non para maging mas better. Lahat nang sobra, masama. 

Kung ang pagmamahal ang nagiging dahilan ng pagkasira mo, di ka na nagmamahal non, nag-aadik ka lang. 

[kimdalanon]

My ideal girl

When I was younger, tatlo lang ‘yung hinahanap ko sa babae: maputi, chinita at mahaba buhok. Ayun lang talaga. Kapag pasok ka diyan sa tatlong ‘yan, most likely crush kita agad. 

Ewan ko ba kung anong meron sa mga chinita. Sobrang cute kasi lalo na kapag tumatawa sila, nawawala lalo ‘yung mata tapos kapag medyo payat pa, nako! For sure, sumusunod mata ko kapag dadaan ka malapit sakin.

But as I grow older, mas naintindihan ko na it’s more than just the looks. Oo, given na mas okay kapag may looks ka, pero the way they make you feel, the way they contribute to your mental health matters more. 

Sabi nila, opposites attract and talagang minsan, maattract ka sa mga taong way outside of your ideals. I’ve been there. I had a thing with short haired girls, sa morena, sa hindi naman chinita, sa maliit boobs etc. Basta, ‘yung mga sinasabi kong gusto ko sa isang babae, hindi din talaga nasusunod minsan.

For sure may mga magsasabi diyan na bakit sa physical lang ako tumitingin at hindi sa kalooban. Bitch, wag mo kong pangunahan. Let’s be real here, sa looks talaga tayo tumitingin sa una and there’s nothing wrong with that. Syempre, ang physical appearance, part ‘yong ng ideals natin, kapag pasado na sayo ‘yung physical appearance at mas makikilala mo ‘yung tao, ayun ‘yung magiging batayan ngayon kung tuluyan kang mahuhulog o hindi.

Aminado naman ako na malandi ako at madami akong nakalandian. Madaming nakasama at nakasalamuha. Lahat sila, madami natutunan ko. Lahat sila, may naibalik sakin. Lahat sila, may experience na binigay na never kong naexperience before.

Ako personally, sobrang attracted ako sa mga babaeng liberated at totoo sa sarili nila. Mas naattract ako kapag vocal sila sa sexual capabilities nila. Kapag mas mataas ‘yung sexual drive, kapag mas kaya nilang sabihin ‘yung gusto nila, mas natutuwa ako. Being sexually active was one of my ideals.

Natutuwa ako sa mga babaeng magaling sumayaw or kumanta. Basta may skill sila na they’re actually good at dahil binibigyan talaga nila ng oras ‘yung hobby na ‘yon. It shows that they’re not boring na outside of making landi, they actually have a life to live.

But this isn’t always the case. Every relationship I had with people was unique. Dahil sa sarili kong experience, dun ako napaisip talaga kung bakit ganon? Na ‘yung iba, out naman sila sa ideals ko, sa mga gusto kong makita sakanila e hindi ko nakikita pero bakit parin ako naattract? Anong meron? Nagayuma ba ako o nahypnotize? Hindi ako sure.

As time went by, I realized why I was attracted to them kahit na they were out of my ideals. It was simply because they made me feel like I’m actually living a life. I was learning about things that I never knew before. The relationship went beyond lambingan and sweet shit. There’s education, there’s conflict, there’s an actual volley of things and things weren’t one way. 

I realized that it’s better to get along well with a person than be just with a person simply because they can get something from you and vice versa. Yeah, it’s true, sex is great! Amazing pa nga e. If I could have sex every 2 hours, I would, but I’d rather have sex with someone that I know that could understand my quirks and actually be with me in real life outside our private rooms.

Andali nalang kasi makuha ng sex ngayon, napakadali nalang din makipagdate at makisalamuha sa iba’t ibang uri ng tao, pero mahirap hanapin ‘yung andyan talaga para sayo at para sakin, walang ideal ideal kapag dumating ka sa puntong ganon.

“Alam mo naman pala ‘yung gusto mo e, at alam mo naman na pala na kung paano ka mahuhulog at sa kung saan ka komportable. Bakit ayaw mo parin magseryoso?”

E wala e, may ideals ako pero ako mismo, hindi ako ideal man. I’m still a fucked up lad. I’m still trying to find things out on my own. Ang cliche nung hindi pa ready pero anong magagawa ko? Ayun ‘yung totoo e. Tsaka hindi ko pa talaga nararamdaman ulit ‘yung kilig e. Alam mo naman kapag in love ka e. E kaso hindi ako in love. 

It’s okay to have ideals, it’s okay to have preferences and filter your choices with these. Walang mali kung ayaw mo sa mataba, kung ayaw mo sa may bigote, kung gusto mo may abs or kung gusto mo don sa sumasayaw. Ikaw ‘yon e. Pero ang sakin, basta maparamdam mo sakin na hindi ka tanga at kaya mo kong pakiligin, for sure itatapon ko lang din sa bintana ideals ko at sayo din ako mahuhulog.

Basta sigurado ako, you don’t need to meet someone’s ideals. If they’re for you, you will be their ideal person whatever happens. Kaya kung wala pa ‘yung ideal person mo, dadating din ‘yan. 

[kimdalanon]

What does it mean to be in love?

Madaming uri ng pagmamahal; pagmamahal sa pamilya, pagmamahal sa mga kaibigan, pagmamahal sa bayan, pagmamahal sa nobya at madami pang iba.

Natutunan ko na madami ngang uri talaga ng pagmamahal nung sumugal ako ulit. That’s when I realized na there’s so much more than being in love with a person you thought you’d end up with. 

Totoo, maaga ako namulat sa kalandian. Grade 4 ako unang nagkagirlfriend at by 2nd year highschool, I had 7 girlfriends already. My last relationship ended in December 2017 and it lasted for 6 years. Imagine, sa dami at tagal non iisipin niyo na alam na alam ko na talaga ‘yung pasikot sikot when it comes to love and the truth is, I still have a lot to learn.

Oo, hindi naman maitatanggi na madami na akong naranasan. Madaming nakasalamuha na hindi ko naman naging nobya, pero nakaramdam ako ng feelings para sa kanila pero wala e, ayoko pumasok sa relasyon sa ngayon.

Madaming nagtatanong kung masaya daw ba ako sa ginagawa ko, na puro landi, na puro “almost” relationship ang hinahandle ko at ang sagot ko diyan ay hindi ako sure. 

Trust me, walang nagsusurvive sa ganyang setup. Masaya sa una, pero towards the end, when things are getting complicated, dun na papasok ‘yung mga nakakabaliw na moments. Kasi ayun nga, kahit naman na malinaw sainyo na hanggang don lang kayo, dadating at dadating sa point na hindi parin malinaw talaga kung hanggang saan at kung ano kayo sa isa’t isa.

“Oh, alam mo naman pala na ganyan, e bakit nandyan ka parin?” 

Good question. Wala e, dito ako comfortable. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi pa ako ready. Ang gago ko for tolerating this kind of setup na alam ko naman na things will just end in misery, pero ito ‘yung reality e. Minsan kahit anong push natin ng ideals at ng mga dinidikta ng society na tama e hindi naman ganon ang reality for everyone.

Basta ang sakin, hindi naman ako pumapasok sa gantong setup na walang mutual agreement. Laging may consent at ayun ang importante.

“Tangina, Kim! Naniniwala ka pa ba sa love?”

Oo naman. That’s the question that I always ask myself. “What does it mean to be in love?” and I always have a hard time answering that question. I do believe in love, but sa dami niyang forms, hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng love ba ‘yung kaya kong ibigay at kaya kong ireceive. 

I got into relationships way too early in my life, I thought I knew what it feels to be in love, I thought that what I was feeling and experiencing during those times were love in its mature form, but I was wrong. 

My last relationship ended because I took things for granted. I took her for granted. I did things that I shouldn’t do and it took me a lot of time before I actually forgave myself and to be honest, I’m still guilty until now. 

Few months back, I thought I was ready again. I was more than willing to give up everything for a new person; a person I thought that I would spend my life with, pero wala e, she didn’t choose me and after the pain that I went through, I realized a lot of things and the thing that I realized that made sense to me was that I am still not ready.

I agree when people tell me that nobody is ever ready, that time favors those who try and I believe so too. Pero ako, hindi din ako willing talaga e. Hindi ko pa kaya, hindi ko pa gusto. 

Hindi ko pa nahahanap ‘yung taong I would look forward talking to every single day of my life, na nagpapakilig nang solid, ‘yung alam kong tanggap ako nang sagad, na makakapagparealize sakin na hindi ko na need kumausap ng iba. Wala pa talaga e.

I met a lot of amazing people. Lahat sila may kanya kanyang uniqueness at talagang GF material silang lahat, pero ako kasi ‘yung problema. 

Ang mindset ko kasi, lahat ng aspeto ng buhay ng tao, sugal. As in literally everything is a gamble, every small decision we make has something to do with the immediate future and with this in mind, I’d always choose those choices that would be in my favor. Sobrang hedonistic ‘yung approach ko ngayon sa buhay at dahil sa sobrang calculated ng mga choices ko, ayoko magrisk.

So para sakin, what does it mean to be in love? I guess being in love means giving up all those calculations and just letting life happen on its own because finally, the greatest feeling is present without putting the situation on my hands. 

Kaya para sa mga in love diyan, sobrang saludo ako sainyo. Sana tumagal at mapanindigan niyo ‘yan. Sobrang sarap magmahal, sana lang e makuha niyo ‘yung pagmamahal na binibigay niyo.