kimdoughnuts blog

Kim. Mid 30s neurodivergent, lesbian, queer, asian american woman. Working and getting a Ph.D. in psychology. Doing my best to be a decent bean. Feel free to comment on any post.

[kimdoughnuts]

Gratefulness Prompt

I am grateful for:

Having a job that covers all of my monetary needs

Having a place to live in an area that I like

Not stressing about money. Inconveniences are annoying, but not a disaster.

Access to information - freely

My health - I have free use of my body and mind

[kimdoughnuts]

Getting gaslit at the doctors office

In September, I went to the doctors office to get updated on vaccines. My school was mandating it. I realized there were several vaccines I had never gotten before that I was not aware of. When I got there, the nurse told me I should have gotten it when I was a baby. I told her I never did and I had never heard of this vaccine. She refused to sign me up for the vaccine because I "should have already gotten it." I brought all of my records and it wasn't on there.

I talked to the actual doctor and she ordered me to get it after all, so I got shot 1 that day of a two round vaccine. Among others. They signed me up to get the second dose 2 months later.

I came in yesterday and they told me I couldn't get it and I "didn't need it." Guess who came to tell me that? Gaslighting nurse from September. The doctor apparently wanted to know why I needed this vaccine and why didn't I get it as a baby.

At this point I am trying to figure out what I was even being accused of. Did they think I refused this vaccine when I was an infant so I could give myself problems in my 30s? Did they think I sign up for unnecessary vaccines for no reason? I didn't order this my doctor did, after I asked to be up to date. Is not wanting to get meningitis not a good enough reason?

So they sent me home unvaccinated. And I felt very gaslit and accused of...I don't even know what.

I guess I'll just hope I don't get meningitis 🤷‍♀️

[kimdoughnuts]

Rejection and panic attacks

Something triggered me recently. I was having a fairly normal evening, and seemingly out of nowhere, I'm in a full blown anxiety wave. My anxiety waves are horribly unpleasant and there's no coming down once they start.

It should have been an innocuous stimulus. Instead it triggered my sense of rejection.

It's a few days later and the wave is mostly over. But now I have to figure out how to prevent these.

[kimdoughnuts]

Fear of Missing Out

I often feel like everyone else in the world is out having a great time socializing, loving each other, and having a wonderful life. While I sit in isolation, desperate for human connection but sitting at home alone or going to work or doing chores. I know everyone’s lives are complicated and social media just shows the positive highlights. But in general, I feel like most people are a lot happier than I am and have a lot better luck going out and having fun and connecting. 

I’ve always wanted that “normal” life. A good romantic relationship, meaningful friendships, a fulfilling work life, pets, a house. Everyone around me seems to have that, and get it without much difficulty. Like it was a no brainer for them. I know it’s not always easy and there are struggles but nothing seemed to completely prevent them from getting these things, which is how I feel about my own life. These things that are the default for our society are totally out of my reach.

I feel like I’m missing out on what life is supposed to be about. I’m trying so hard to connect and it’s just impossible for me. Living in the moment is so hard in complete isolation. It’s hard not to think about all the times I have been rejected and discarded while I sit alone every waking moment. 

All I can do is find peace of mind in the moment, regardless of the circumstances. That seems to be my only hope to find any sort of happiness in this life. The “traditional” route doesn’t seem like a possibility for me.

[kimdoughnuts]

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, the lotus from the mud, and other such sayings

We’ve all heard these sayings. We need to experience unpleasant events to learn and grow and appreciate when things are good. 

It’s so hard to think that way when I’m experiencing a hard time. Is this something I need to go through to grow? Or is it something that is going to make me worse off afterwards? More traumatized, more unhappy, more and deeper fears. I’ve experienced all of the above like most people have. 

I was really having it rough last night. Loneliness and isolation were at a high, and depression was creeping in. I thought I had beat depression and it’s starting to rear its ugly head again. I slept most of the day and felt sluggish. 

Today was a lot better. Maybe because I did my best to take care of myself when I was feeling low. Maybe I needed the rest. Maybe I need to experience a lot of mental anguish sometimes to work through it. We feel up, we feel down, over and over again. I want to be in a place mentally where these ups and downs still happen, but I’m less swept away by them and can see the bigger picture. 

[kimdoughnuts]

Fulfillment

I’ve been feeling rather “off” lately. It’s hard to put the feeling into words.  

[kimdoughnuts]

“Love” and Limerence

I’m coming to terms with limerence. It’s something I’ve always experienced. I’m realizing now that somehow, my brain is wired to do this. I can’t figure it out exactly. I’m suspecting it’s a combination of my trauma + my autistic brain that is often geared towards obsession with certain items.

It’s a process that seems to happen automatically; I feel like I have very little control over it. I meet someone I like, and down the rabbit hole my mind goes. My mind wants to latch onto them. I know my contact with them will be limited, so my mind holds on to whatever it can.

I seem to have a “type”--they’re usually sweet, funny, and a little broken. They tend to be very present with me and very open and loving for a short period of time, then disappear or become generally unresponsive for days at a time. During their absence, they’re usually having some sort of family or internal struggle (or so they say..).

I become a fiend for their attention and validation. I feel euphoric and giddy when they’re around, then anxious and confused when they’re not. It’s a very exciting and dysfunctional cycle. Eventually they decide they do not want a relationship or anything further with me, and I have to go no contact and suffer being rejected again.

This has been my entire love life. This cycle over and over again. I have never been in an official adult relationship, despite wanting and trying for one. I want to get out of it and seek something healthy, but part of me believes it will never happen. 

[kimdoughnuts]

First Post

Hello internet. 

I really miss my livejournal/Xanga days. My friends and I all posted long or short blogs of just text. Often, we posted our deepest thoughts and secrets and shared them publicly for anyone to see. This was before we had facebook and instagram. I think I express myself the best through typing. I’ve never been good at the video/picture/glam thing, though I am sometimes envious of those who are. Tumblr seems to be a good place to migrate for now :)