A Closet Of Writing

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I Am Not Ambitious I Crave A Slow A Simple Life

And that's when the warp of the world ensnared me. Caught me right between its teeth from the scuff of my shirt and snarled, "How come you want no big house, no cars, no living rooms filled with fancy objects that stay poised but don't offer much?" I blinked hard. Slowly, I found my voice.

I crave a slow life. A simple life.I want to wake up and feel the passage of my breath. I want to scrunch up my blanket and feel the flex of my fingers as they slowly come out of a dream. I want to open my eyes and stay there for a bit, doing nothing. I want to feel enough even when I don't have Schedule knocking at my mind's door, a whirled to-do list in its hand. Rather I'd gladly part ways with him. For you see, I want a life where simply BEING is the law. The new rule. The new cool. I crave a life where the ocean greets me at my doorstep and the sand insists on sinking my toes into its warm, warm body. I want a life where joy is second nature. Not something to be chased or bought. But rather something that is made, every single day, with my own two hands. I want a life where work is a synonym for giving. An extension of me reaching out and out to the world to heal, to touch, to love. Is it okay if I've never wished for a 6 digit salary? Is it okay if I've never dreamed of wearing a Chanel but find my greatest comfort from worn out sweatshirts that breathe of memories? Is it okay if I just want to keep doing all that I love without having to justify “why"? Not just to the world, but even to myself. Is it okay if I am only ever concerned about being filled with calm and certainty and not about how many people like my art? Is it okay if all I want to do is create and create and create some more? Because I don't want the things this world wants for me. I want the things that my soul quietly mumbles into my ear. I want a life where my body isn't struggling to fit into a 26 waistline. But is dancing in the meadows wearing what it feels at home in. Is it okay if I have never craved a villa or a in-house Jacuzzi? Is it okay if all that I want is to see the world, all of it? Is it okay if I want to smile at strangers and make them feel loved, every chance I get? Is it okay if I want to stick my fingers into a gooey pudding and chase the lights at the end of the lane? Is it okay if I want to make friends of the most unusual kind: the whim-bearers, the creators, the muffled bathroom singers, the dance-in-front-of-your-mirror dancers, the giddy-with-feelings writers? Is it okay if I am okay with my okay? Is it okay I am content in my now, headily loving the few once-in-a-lifetime people I treasure? Is it okay if I don't want too much, but just enough to keep my head and heart growing, evermore? Is it okay if I define success by the amount of joy that pumps through my heart, through the rest of my days? Because I am not asking for permission. I am bearing open my world and standing tall in my vulnerability. I am not asking for approval.I am claiming the space that is already mine, all mine.

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#footstepsinthesand #solitudelove

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Pathways feet that keep moving on me and my travel destinations

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Top view in Simla

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A Letter To Someone Who Didn’t Love Me Back

Hey there!

Hope you're doing well. It's been long that I met you or for that matter, spoke to you. I don't know why but I've been thinking a lot about you, of late. I'm sure you're wondering why I'd even bother thinking about you. There's a long story behind it all and today, I thought it's about time to share it with you.

Years back when we got introduced to one another, little did I know that I'd fall for you. I'm sure you're taken aback. It's true that I fell for you and in love with you. As time passed, I got to know you better and I genuinely started admiring you. I began to like being around you, talking to you and at times, just looking at you. It was magical! Even before I knew it, I was in love with you. I loved you for who you were and how you were with me. I loved the rapport that I shared with you.

You know, my love for you, and life, has taught me this that you can't force someone to love you back and you shouldn't ever do that. It's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back! We grow up thinking that someone who we love has to love us back. There's no hard and fast rule. Love anyway has no rules. It just happens. I'm glad I learned that.

Somewhere deep within, a part of me would always love. I'll always have a soft corner for you! You're special to me!

Wishing you the best today and always!

Much love,

Someone who'd always love you!

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Chronicles From Another Reality

All went silent except a small promise in my heart. My heart ached in an enduring way. It squeezed in a way that would withstand many lives and dimensions. This ache had been mine for lifetimes to come. There are many theories as to what it means but as time travels me across the universe, the ache continues to beat with the same rhythm that spells out your soul since the time my fingers slipped from yours and oblivion covered my mind. Through all of that, your memory has remained more ingrained than anything I could ever name. And as my poetry curves around the idea that I may find you, I am able to feel a sense of joy as vast and enduring as the ache that seeks you.

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I’m With You

Inside the ruins of my heart Is a broken record replaying my love for you When you breathe, I breathe Our hands hold each other with grace My heart has been broken But you had the missing pieces And now, I’m not afraid anymore Because I’m with you.

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Lines Of Beauty

Lines of beauty aren’t held in stone For if they were they’d be alone Movement will mark the moment Some strike a pose in order to hold it A light that touches more than skin And hypnotized from the fire within Is it the way it hits her or the way it hits you That keeps you coming up for air dazed but amused The sensual the taste of touch Knows no image could hold so much This attention that some believe Don’t bar the mind of such beauty Its a difference of opinion The masquerades the models minion Imitation seeks the same sight But beauty looks tired in that light In the mind it is born Flaws that are feathered to the form Hide our clouds inside the allure What it is I’m still not sure These feelings that are held by you Know nothings real if its not true So what is beauty without bland You’re left to learn not to understand

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Dear Queen

She’s trying to build herself up. Her goals involve adding value to other people’s life because she is a woman of passion. She’s kind, she’s tough but don’t take her for granted. Nobody is built like her. Her goal is to exude love and give it to every human that she touches. She’s fragile but she’s a rock. Recognise her ability and presence quickly because she is the total package.

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Love Life

“The way my heart is set up, I’m not allowed to just let anyone in close to the crevasses of my soul. My energy is important, valuable and rare. This narcissistic generation is showing me that most people lack the passion and integrity I require. Most people are walking around using each other until you’re no longer valuable to them, so forgive me while I protect my dear little heart. I deserve to put my heart in the hands of a person who can hold it like it was a new born baby.

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The Ring

Riding on a train and I had the most interesting thought of my day. I looked over to my left. There’s a married man. He’s alone. He looks like he’s thinking about something perplexing. I looked down to his left hand and observed his silver wedding ring. Then this thought hit me like an eighteen wheeler: wearing your wedding ring is a big deal because you’re carrying your partners presence with you at all times. It made me realize that being married is a promise to always think about someone else before yourself. That’s a big deal and damn, its a special one as well.

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A World Of Possibilities

“He was as delicate as Spring’s first blossom, yet as resilient as the ancient oaks that tower above – the most beautiful contradiction that I had ever seen.

Born with a wild heart and a peaceful soul, he knew his

place in the world and would never settle for less than he deserved, even if it meant standing against the odds and fighting to keep true to the beat of  his  heart.

With a presence as gentle as the stillest water and a spirit which burned with a passion more voracious than the wildest sea, he was so much more than simply the sum of his past.

So do not make the  mistake of underestimating all that he is or forgetting to appreciate him  in his  entirety, for extraordinary beauty can be found in that which is chaotic and imperfect if only you have the courage to open your heart and mind.

He might not always make perfect sense, or any sense at all for that matter, and he certainly won’t fit into all the spaces and places that the world has set out for him, but don’t you dare try and change or save him.

The only hero he needs in this life is himself and he is the epitome of everything unrefined and pure in this world – the most beautiful contradiction that I had ever seen, holding within him  a world of possibilities”

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What Heart Break Taught ME?

All my life, I have been ruled by fear — a powerful, underlying emotion that has determined much of my behavior. I was never conscious of this driving force, nor the stranglehold it’s had on me, until more than a year ago when my greatest fear was realized.

After an emotional roller-coaster ride, my first short -term, love ended. My deepest insecurity was confirmed: I was unlovable. My previous fear of loss and rejection had now become an unbearable reality.

I felt as though my world ended, as if all the love I’d known had been snuffed out. My greatest dream — to be loved and accepted — perished, when “the one” told me that we couldn’t be together and he found someone else.

In spite of his willingness to let me go, I held onto him, to the hope that this despairing situation would somehow turn around. If only I could win back his heart.

The following week, I began writing. I planned to write the novel all over again because I had left it at my room mates place and I never went back.

Mid-writing  I realized that this was a way  to remember him after all the sacrifice and I feared that all of my labor would only yield greater rejection and sorrow. Despite my wanting to show my flairs  how much he’s worth to me — and that I am worth holding onto — I never finished writing thsi.

My best  friend simultaneously encouraged me to let go. After all, he had already articulated his belief that we would be better off as friends, and I needed to respect his decision. Although surrender seemed impossible at the time, my first milestone toward healing eventually came in the form of a painful self-discovery: I had failed to love him as Christ commanded.

To my shameful acknowledgement, my motivation for holding on was actually self-serving. Even after our relationship ended, I wanted to feel loved; I clung to him, because I had become emotionally dependent on him to make me feel loved and secure. I was afraid to lose him, fearful that I would never again experience true love.

Then God shined a light on my heart during this dark time. I read 1 John 4:18: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear … whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” I realized that it was not my love but rather fear that I wouldn’t be good. And fear motivated me to continue to hold onto this relationship.

When we have love in our hearts, there will be no room for fear. If I truly loved this brother, then I would have no fear in my heart that he may never return my affections. Instead, I would desire his ultimate happiness, independent of me.

God reinforced this conviction by allowing me to learn my next big lesson: the difference between genuine Christ-like love and its counterfeit known as attachment. Attachment says, “I need you (to love me), so I will love you in order to get your love.” But true love says, “I don’t need you, but I love you and hope all the best for you.” I learned that my sorrow over the loss of this relationship was actually rooted in my strong attachment to (rather than sincere love for) this brother.

Thus, I committed myself to letting him go — not because he was no longer dear to me, but on the contrary, I was determined to learn to love him better, according to Christ’s definition of selfless love. Over time, God has faithfully bound my wounds and given me victory. Having tasted God’s goodness to me, I was once again able to smile.

In hindsight, I see that God loved me way too much to leave me under the bondage of fear. Instead, He used this painful experience to free me to live a life of love. Part of that freedom now is in learning to love myself and forgive myself — to know how deeply I am loved, because despite my sin and selfishness, Jesus Christ gave himself for me to show His amazing love for me.

From John 15:12, I believe God desires that I would be able to reflect His love in all of my relationships. In His perfect wisdom, God used this broken relationship to begin to perfect my love for His people. So, now, I can say to all the people in my life: Because of God’s kindness and abundant love for me, I can love you better now.

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Promise

Nothing protects the heart like patience. Don’t get your hopes up too fast. Don’t let your fears speak too loud. Don’t give your doubts too much time. Not everybody is built yo handle the rough times. Can’t be surprised when you fall off with certain people. Few people understand what it really means to be there for somebody. And that’s the roughest part about being on a journey, You realize the main ones that said they’ll ride, Are the first to fall off.

People make promises when the sun is shining and make excuses when the storm comes. That’s why I’m always thankful for the rain…… it washes away the unnecessary. The reality is you could be amazing, genuine, and sincere, but still be overlooked. Because honestly, people don’t want something real anymore, they just want reasons to complain and excuses to avoid. Having a good thing is so hard because meeting a strong person is so rare. So I’ve learnt to respect when people run away from me, I realize my kind of love ain’t for everybody. I’m at peace with that.

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Alive

She was not a survivor. Albeit she had survived, and beautifully at that, but it was her realisation that there was so much more to life than simply surviving it that defined her. Life suddenly became about everything but survival. For, whilst all are destined for the almost forgotten certainty of death, few can say that they truly lived that they found wonder and riches where others saw naught but sullen mediocrity. Imbued with ardour, an inextinguishable fire burned within her. And, for the first time, ‘happily ever after’ was not about a perfectly told story. No. It was now about unraveling the hidden veracity in myth and falling in love with the delicious chaos that is life

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Look Beyond

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I Am Fine

They ask: How are you? And the battle begins. My thoughts run wild but I stay still….my mind swirls into a chaotic mess all at once….

Should I say something or stay MUTE and nod my head….or just pretend I didn’t hear the question. Is it okay to lie with this too when they say they don’t like lies and give them the truth not realizing the journey and knowing the pain we’ve been through. Should I ask back a question for a question or just smile politely and move on….

It looks like a few seconds but feels like an ETERNITY…. I stand speechless thinking again…. How do I get rid of this lump in my throat. Will this dry mouth let a voice out. Why do my LUNGSfeel so empty?

A part of me wants to speak and answer SINCERELY that I haven’t slept well in months whatever little sleep I get is inflicted with restlessness. I want to confess that I feel nauseated all the time and the little that I eat I don’t enjoy…that all that goes into my system is some junk and rubbish which will do no good but I don’t care. I want to say I can’t recognise myself anymore and the person I used to be is long gone…that they are talking to an empty shell….or should I just let them in so they can see what it took for me…to get up, get dressed and get out where I’m standing….that I wish I didn’t have to go through this…that how badly I want to be alone.

How I fear people and the fear of the unknown….or what if I just break down and cry in front of them…what if they can help….do I tell them my heart is pounding in my chest…as I stand there and wonder if they can hear it out loud like I do…does this make me crazy….. why do I feel like I will pass out….should I explain how my feet and hands go numb and my body aches.

How no matter what I do I can’t shake off the tiredness…this fatigue..that everything in me everything around me hurts so bad….How I don’t want to quit but also don’t want to continue to fight…fix anything anymore… How I’d give anything for all this to STOP. As I stand there trying to shut the voices in my head screaming out you are a mess…don’t lie… ask for help….please help me…don’t walk away. I pull myself together sigh and say. (No I’m not fucking fine.) I’m fine

This ones for you and me You not able to tell her And me not able to tell you You had the most number of days you remembered her. Mine is just one and a half year 34 months 1600 days 690 weeks 996350 seconds 886890 minutes

And still counting more……