so i have a genuine, non-accusatory question as a person who is still discovering if they identify as a sub: do doms as a group look down on subs? i feel like every post i see from a dom has a lot to do with having a general disdain or disrespect for the sub, whereas the opposite is true about posts from subs taking about their doms.
and i get that maybe thatās just the dynamic (which iām still trying to grasp), but is it true as a whole? do doms actually view people who are submissive as lesser beings in play and/or day-to-day life? i know the right thing to do is talk to your partner about it before participating in anything, and maybe itās just me, but i think feeling not valued/not respected would make me feel unsafe, even if i know itās just a persona.
Hi anon thank you for your ask.
Actual good Doms absolutely do not look down on subs whatsoever.
Stylistically, some Doms (myself included) do a lot of degradation, making their subs feel small, objectified, and reduced in value as part of a scene. This isn't reflective of how those subs are viewed and is instead meant to be erotic, a way to create a specific feeling of sexual dominance and superiority in a scene. Again, this isn't reflective of the actual relationship between the Dom and the sub and shouldn't be indicative of how the sub is actually viewed. Aftercare, with lots of comfort and reassurance is meant to help differentiate between the scene personas that each participant adopts and the way they actually view each other.
Personally, as a Dom who does lots of humiliation and degradation, I can say that I absolutely adore submissives. They're wonderful and lovely and some of my favorite moments with subs are during aftercare when I'm just being affectionate after a rough scene. BDSM is a form of human connection and it's amazing that there are people on the other side of the / who are interested in the same things as me. If a Dom doesn't have that sort of adoration, I don't think they're much of a Dom at all personally and I wouldn't consider them a safe partner.
Simultaneously, some abusive people still exist within the bdsm community and utilize the title of Dom to shield their shitty behavior. (There are also abusive people who identify as subs but that's not super relevant to this point). Actual abusers certainly view others as less than them, but they aren't reflective of what domming is meant to be, just bad people who deserve to be shunned for their behavior.
You mentioned that you wouldn't feel good in a scene where you don't feel valued. That's perfectly valid. Degradation just isn't for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. Plenty of Doms and subs prefer exclusively praise or teasing praise without the heavier humiliation you can often find on Tumblr.
Ultimately kink is just about having fun together, the point is erotism and enjoyment, nothing else. It's pretend. There are no rules. Just have fun with people that you enjoy having fun with and don't worry about fitting into an archetype. BDSM also isn't for everyone, and that's okay! You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If you feel someone doesn't actually respect you as a person they're likely not a good partner for you, and I would heavily encourage you not talk to them anymore.
