Rex. She/they. Not a minor, strong supporter of the Three Laws of Fandom: DL;DR, YKINMKATO, & SALS. This blog has content not suitable for minors (18+ only). Dreamwidth: king0fcrows.
please...i reFUSE to watch any spn to find this information out...can someone just tell me who jack is and why sam-dean-cas seem to have been throuple parenting him?
had a fucked up dream i had a book that turned out could never be read again the same as the first time because each reread the characters became incrementally more aware that the events of the book had happened before and they were “reliving” it and i reread enough times that they became self aware, figured out they were in a book, acknowledged me as the reader, and some lost their minds or had existential crises, became violent to other characters or themselves, some begged me to never stop reading or they ceased to exist and others begged me to end it all stop reading and keeping them trapped in the endless loop of torment, and the literal only way to get the book back to its first run was to hand it off to someone else to read for the first time and for some reason i physically couldn’t tell anyone about it so i’d have to just hope whoever i gave it to would only read it once and i could never open the book again to check if they were okay and back to normal because i was terrified of fucking them all up again :(
i'm glad people are finding this fun as a concept and making references to stuff that this reminds them of but i really gotta express how bad of a nightmare this was for me. i had fallen in love with the original story and characters (though on waking i couldn't tell you the details), unintentionally warped their story beyond recognition, and found myself an unwitting god that could not provide mercy for some without doling torment to others. one of the characters started offing themselves every time i started another reread. stress dream doesn't even begin to cover it
I am perfectly happy with Half Man exactly as it is, it was perfect to me
but that doesn’t stop me from wanting a bunch of Id-y wish fulfillment fics
Fic that preferably deviate right before Ruben goes to jail a second time, so we still keep a large chunk of the juicy fucked up-ness in their relationship but their lives change just enough that they don’t end up killing each other in that barn
Niall doesn’t get anyone pregnant, both men’s wives/girlfriends leave them, and Niall gets outed involuntarily to Ruben
(love the idea that they’re out in public with Ruben and some random dude Niall fucked regularly in the car park before his self-induced conversion therapy stunt (who Niall doesn’t even remember fucking) just saunters up and is like “hey Niall, good to see you after all this time, you ever wanna play again here’s my number, and if your boyfriend wants to join I’m down!” and Niall denies it till he’s blue in the face but Rueben actually calls up the guy for details and the cat is fully out of the bag)
and it all ends in them getting into a relationship that is still toxic and codependent and abusive—but they finally get to have scorchingly hot sex for real
and maybe even some actual tenderness in the post orgasm afterglow.
it’s not enough to fix them but it’s enough to give them a slightly better outcome
Ruben still fucks his way through women left and right, with Niall sort of as a permanent jealous mistress
But Ruben really gets off on that jealously—and it becomes an elaborate game for him
he withholds outright sex from Niall (but happily teases him incessantly) and Niall is forbidden from taking other lovers
(Ruben goes through his phone and computer and keeps an eye on him like the insane controlling bastard he is)
Then Ruben starts a relationship with a woman and rubs it in Niall’s face (he sends videos of him fucking these women to Niall regularly), all while knowing his sneaky little Rat is whispering into girlfriend-of-the-year’s ear to intentionally sabotage her relationship with Ruben
(and Ruben lets him)
and when Niall finally gets his way and the girlfriend leaves in tears and Ruben get to “punish” Niall for his behavior, and it’s just completely fucked up unnegotiated kinky hot dub con sex that sometimes goes on for days
Bonus points for Ruben acting out kidnapping and psuedo-borderline-real-murder fantasies on Niall during these scenes
And Niall comes so hard during these scenes that he’s basically out of his mind
and Ruben more important is actually so, so nice and gentle and affectionate with him for a few days afterwards that Niall just has no interest in ever leaving the relationship
you love me, don't you? what? you love me? where is this going? just answer the question. well, of course i do. you're my, uh-- no. no caveats. stick with the emotion. where do you feel it? hmm? your love for me. where do you feel it? is it here? listen, ruben, i am not sure what this is all about. just answer the question. i suppose love is most felt in the heart, right? no, fuck that fucking mug response. answer as you. i want to know where niall kennedy feels it. i feel it everywhere. everywhere? yeah, it sort of runs through me in a way. describe it. i can't! i can't describe it! yes, you fucking can! mr. fucking poet laureate, or whatever the fuck it is you've won, your job is putting shit into words. so come on. spell it out for me. clearly. in a way i can understand. it's like... dangerous. oh, yeah? it is the best and the worst thing all at once. it's like the only thing. it's the only thing i've ever felt. it's like i'm fucking... high off of you or something. chemically dependent. i don't know.
its friday. if you don't normally floss, today is a great day to make an exception, since it's flossing friday! get rid of some of the built up mats of bacteria between your teeth that brushing and mouthwash have a hard time to deal with on their own, help prevent them from setting up camp beneath your gums, where they can erode your bones and lead to teeth falling out if left untreated. help save yourself a future doctors visit!
Half Man's approach to sexuality is incredibly brave and it's especially rare to see it executed at this high a level. Every sex scene is uncomfortable, and there's a lot of sex. It's not just the sexual violence or the compulsory heterosexuality, even Niall's forays into the homosexual underground are a clear act of self harm and in trying to compromise his desires by playing the role of a domtop daddy, he only works to distance himself further from his identity. The show perfectly manages to capture what it means to be disembodied. Nothing is satisfying not sex or drugs or relationships. There's 2 key moments in this show that I think really compliment eachother. When Niall tells Ava that he had sex with a male prostitute he says he came, but he wasn't relaxed. According to himself, being raped by his father was one of the most intimate experiences of Ruben's life, so what does that say about his sex life after the fact? Is intimacy even possible after it's caused you so much harm? Childhood sexual violence steals something fundamental from within us and we spend the rest of our lives trying to reclaim it. As the title suggests, for Ruben it made him a 'half man'. Emasculating Niall through sexual assault gives Ruben a power that was taken from him at a young age. Putting Niall in his place by suffocating him with his body weight and enacting unrestrained violence against him, asserts Ruben's place in the pecking order; but it's also proof that he can conquer his own weakness. A punishment for a disempowered version of himself, projected onto Niall.
Having a gay awakening potentially as a result of a sexual violation will complicate your relationship with that identity and how you fit into it. If you do fit into it, if your experiences count. Can you really be proud of something that's brought you so much pain? It's really interesting that when Niall tells him how difficult Ruben made it for him to come to terms with himself, all he mentions are the slurs and not the he fact that he sodomized him with a hood ornament while telling him he likes it. Taking something pleasurable and making it as humiliating and painful as he possibly can, fully taking advantage of how being on the receiving end of a gay interaction is considered shameful. All the more fascinating that when Niall discloses his gay identity, Ruben seems to open up and relate to him by trying to share his own gay experiences. Those experiences being father/son molestation. How sexual violence shapes your sexuality is a difficult subject. Even for our main characters this is all 'too much' for them to consider. It's not something a lot of people dare to broach and I think it's commendable that this show tried to tackle these things in earnest.
interviewer: so jamie u just starred in the toxic masculinity show
jamie bell: let me stop u right there. theirs is the most tragic and beautiful love story since the dawn of time. they are star crossed and fated and each others reason to breathe. it all began when I convinced richard gadd to put on the bodyweight of another human being so he could engulf me utterly......
My interpretation of the “grunts apathetically” is that Ruben didn’t get anymore catharsis than the viewers via the murder
Killing Niall didn’t free him from all the rage or pain, it didn’t bring him freedom from himself
it’s just an abrupt unsatisfying end to the most important relationship in his life—caused by his own hand—and now there’s nothing left for him to do but lay down on the floor and bleed out
dededos
kianamaiart
izzy806
blakekathryn
