[kingkinang]

I need your opinion/help

What to do if my partner doesn’t let me touch his phone? I admit that I’m anxious and that it’s wrong (which I think I got gaslighted to believe?)

I want to learn how to respect his boundaries and at the same time regulate my anxiousness/emotions.

Yung main trigger nito I guess was because I experince how to be cheated before through chats, messages, soc med, etc. and I think I never healed from that. Sa kaka pilit ko din magkalkal before dito sa current partner ko, I saw that he did try to chat someone on FB.

He did say that he won’t do it again and I want to believe him. Kaso the way he hides his phone from me makes me want to check it even more.

He told me na sa kaka pilit kong makita yung phone niya, mas lalo siyang mag checheat/mas lalo niya akong aaningin which actually made me super uncomfortable.

Context lang sa bf ko, babad siya lagi sa phone niya because of work and I think nakasanayan na rin. He’s also the type na defensive and is passive-agressive sa fights.

I’m not one to give up easily in a relationship so breakup is not my first choice. I think we can still work it out. Nahihirapan lang ako kung paano kami mag cocompromise.

To be honest muts, even if he lets me check his phone, I’m still worried na he’s just going to delete chats.

I just want to have an honest, open, and monogamous relationship. The kind where both of us can feel safe.

[kingkinang]

now i’m not even sure if this is what i deserve. i need to love myself.

[kingkinang]

I think my anxiety is ruining my life.

[balib0listang-iniwan]

nagtatumblr pa ba kayo or pasilip-silip nalang din dito?

[kingkinang]

wag pasilip silip baka magka kuliti. ems

[kingkinang]

alam mo, walang biro, sobrang bigat ng loob ko. parang nawawala yung kumpiyansa ko sa sarili ko.

alam ko naman na sakin ko lang dapat makuha yung hinahanap ko pero bakit ganun? bakit hinahanap ko sa ibang tao?

minsan napapaisip ako, ganun ba kalala yung kinalakihan ko? sobrang lala na ngayong kailangan kong tumayo sa sarili ko’ng paa, paulit ulit akong napapatid at natutumba?

sobrang lala na pilit kong hinahanap sa ibang tao yung mga parte na hindi napunan noong kabataan ko?

hindi ko ‘to ginusto. hindi ko pinili. pero bakit ngayon, ako ang kailangan magtimpi.

hindi madali maghilom ang mga sugat na galing sa mga taong minamahal mo. lalo na kung sobrang lalim.

kapit lang. sana kayanin.

[kingkinang]

dinig mo? ako yun. humihingi ng tulong.

[kingkinang]

alam mo ba miss na miss na kita kausap tapos love na love kita so kelan na tayo magkikita because lagi ko nilolook forward na makausap ka mishu huhuhuhu luv u always laban tayo omki? omki.

i lub u 😭

[kingkinang]

siguro it’ll be one less problem if i die.

[kingkinang]

nandito ka pa ba? tanda mo pa ba akooo?

uu mishuu

[kingkinang]

My traumatized brain is reacting badly to this healthy relationship.

I recently got into a new relationship. 2 months palang kami officially but we already moved in together.

Based on the couple of months living with bebu, he’s hard headed but I can see that he’s doing his best to welcome new concepts and provide us a healthy relationship. yun kasi request ko when we were still just talking. sino ba naman ayaw nun diba?

anyway, si bebu is outgoing and very social. so am i. it’s just that, when i go into a relationship, i tend to shut down my social world because usually, me having friends before is usually causing strains to my rel with my exes.

my exes are secretive, mapusok, and flirty.

bebu is different. he’s loyal. just outgoing and very social.

this is sumethin i remind myself lagi.

he’s different kasi even if he’s seloso, he doesn’t doubt me as much as my exes di. sometimes my episode pero i know where he’s coming from. he was just hurt before too.

he’s not the reassuring type who is as emotional as me but he still tries his best to make me feel at ease. he send pics and update where he is and who he’s with which i super appreciate. pero puta bakit my brain is self sabotaging me?

- i feel anxious every time he goes out.

i can’t tell him not to go out, especially if he gave his whole weekend to me. also, di lang naman sakin nag rerevolve yung mundo niya. pero bakit yung mundo ko sa kanya lang umiikot tangina? i hate to admit na nagdududa ako. he always assures me naman. pero bakit may ganito parin? dahil sa trauma? dahil ba di ako minahal ng maayos noon?

- i wanna ask more if him but idk what i want.

ang dami ko request na gustong sabihin but i don’t wanna come off as needy and controlling although yung ang na pproject mostly. i tend to lose patience. i overthink. tangina talaga. i idealize him and then get disappointed when he doesn’t do the “dreamy stuff” i imagined. ang toxic talaga nun gago.

when i’m coupled up, i tend to get introverted. parang ako mismo sinusuka yung social life na meron ako. and what fucking sucks is, mag rereklamo ako afterwards na feeling ko wala akong friends and shit.

i want this attitude gone. i think i’m being selfish. i want us to grow as freely, as individuals, together. bakit lang kasi may anxiety that keeps getting in the way? do you think therapy would help? tangina growing, healing, and loving at the same time is not easy. i don’t want him to be fed up by my bs but i know he’s a keeper. i just don’t wanna hurt him just coz i’m hurt.

[kingkinang]

Andito na nanaman ako nagmamahal tapos nasasaktan. Tangina. Ang hirap mag mahal ng iba pag di mo mabigay sa sarili mo.

[kingkinang]

Pano mo ba sasabihin yung gusto mo nang hindi ka nagmumukhang makasarili?

[infinite-sadboihours]

dont let intrusive thoughts win

[kingkinang]

i’m trying bruh

[kingkinang]

fuck tis lyf.

[kingkinang]

my tiwtiw is nasugat kaka jakol 🥲

[kingkinang]

I have so much thoughts and concepts i don’t even know how to materialize. sobrang frustrating and masakit.

I feel so restrained for no reason. I guess that explains the drugs.

[kingkinang]

By the way, na swindle nga pala ako ng 10k sa kagustuhan kong maging drug dealer ng marijuana. tangina happy 420 motherfuckers. ma-PDEA sana kayong scammers. fu.

P.S. not saying a thing kay kiks. 4 sure kasalan ko nanaman to. puro bisyo kasi ang inuuna ko. anuba edi wow.