a letter to you
a/n: this was written an hour ago, raw & unedited. no it's not a fanfic, but i guess if you want to you can read it that way. i've been wanting to come back and put out content, but this is all i could write for now. this is really really raw. i hope yall enjoy it. this letter is to the one i love.
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15th July 2020
I miss you. I truly do. It's almost a year now since we broke up. Technically we didn’t break up. Were we even together? No, I don't think so. The first time you asked me to be your girlfriend was a few weeks into our dating days, i wasn’t ready-- no, i was scared. Because what if you leave? Everyone leaves in the end.
It contradicts my thoughts though. I told myself that I will take a risk for you. I will risk it all, just for you. Because you were- still is- worth it. But I was too much of a coward. Even when i realised that i was- still is- in love with you, i didn't mention anything. I hope you knew though, I hope you knew through my actions that i loved you a lot. So much that I was terrified.
Anyways, you told me that you’d ask again in a month or two, but you didn’t. I guess we didn’t have the time.
You told me you loved me and I believed you. I believed you because you show me often enough. But I didn't say it back. I never did. I never did till it was too late. I told you I love you after it ended, i don't know what i was trying to achieve.
Perhaps, I was trying to get you to stay, but my efforts were in vain. You didn’t come back, you never did.
Maybe your love just wasn’t enough for you to stay. Or I wasn’t enough or maybe I was too much for you. But it's been a year and I should be way past all the maybes.
Thing is, I miss you. Way more than you could ever imagine. I don’t miss you the way I used to though. It used to be in smaller, calmer waves. I missed you every day, every minute, and every second of my life- and it didn’t help that you visited my dreams often.
It comes in different kinds of waves now. It's no longer the calm ones i was used to, it doesn't come as often but it still hurts. The waves are huge and inconsistent, like I am stuck in the middle of the ocean during a storm.
And frankly, i don't know what to do about it.
What do I do? You told me many times that you don’t love me anymore, so why the fuck am I still here?
Our love story was a horror story in my opinion. The cliche ones where the girl opens the door and gets herself killed. I’m the girl and you’re the door I'm not supposed to open. But it's the type of horror movies I’d watch over and over no matter how crappy it is. Just like Annabelle, god i hate that movie. But i watch it over and over again because it reminds me of you.
And I don't ever want to forget you. I don't ever want to forget our love story. Maybe one day i’ll write about our love story.
Did you know? That you were my first real love. Perhaps that's why it still hurts even after a long time. People ask me what I see in you, and baby, I saw the most beautiful soul in a handsome man’s body. I know that's cliche and cheesy, but it's the truth.
When people ask me about you, about how you are as a person, I’d always reply with “he’s a sweetheart, the biggest that I know.”
You make yourself appear like this heartless human being who can’t give no shit about anything, but you do. You have one of the biggest hearts I've seen. You don’t know how to, but you often do your best to take care of others. The methods you use are frankly quite questionable, but it’s just you. You have troubles expressing yourself and the care you have for others. And i don’t put it against you, you were doing the best that you could.
You’re the kind of person I was willing to take risks for. I don't take risks for people. I don't see it worth my time, but you were. I wanted to give you my heart- the one i spent years caring for- and i didnt even care what you would do with it. I wanted to risk it all for you because that's the kind of person you are. The kind I'd take all kinds of risks for.
And lastly, you’re the “better” everyone speaks of. You were the best. The best anyone could ever ask for. I wish I could explain more but that is it. You are the better and the best.
When we met, I was embarking on a new journey. I was retaking my Cambridge level exam, I left the industry that I loved, and I was trying to find myself. I was trying to heal myself. Maybe that added to one of the many maybe factors of us separating.
I depended on you a little too much for so many things- my happiness and mental stability. That’s a lot to depend on. And I'm sorry about it. I really am.
But I believe that God placed you in my life in that point of time for a reason. Whatever the reason it may be, I do not know. I have a few ideas, but I don't know why God chose you. But you helped me a lot, you taught me so many things. You showed me that I am actually capable of love, that I could actually be genuinely happy.
I’m glad- no, i’m grateful- that you came. Because the world became a more beautiful place to be with you in it. I’ve learned and realised a lot, and that just adds to the list of reasons why i love you.
You see, I could list out all these beautiful reasons as to why I love you, but it will all just boil down to because it's you. I fell in love with you.
Our time together makes me wonder, quite often, if the right person, wrong timing exists. I spent the past year praying that it does. And I know that it’s unhealthy, but it’s what has been keeping me going the past year. It’s how I look forward to the future because I want to know.
But lately I’ve been living for myself. I want to know how I’ll turn out in the future. I still want to know if you’d come back to me, of course I do. I think I always will. Just like how I think I'll always love you. Maybe you won’t have my entire heart forever, but you will always have a piece of it.
I used to hate thinking about it that way, because I hate the idea of starting over with someone new. But I realised that I need to let it go to be able to peacefully move on. I don't want to, I really don't. But I want to live in peace.
It’s time I take the learning points from our time together to actual use. I’ll focus on myself, and you’ll focus on you. Maybe in a couple of years when you’re done with your enlistment, and i’m ready to move abroad for my remaining college years, i’ll hit you up.
One last time, for old time’s sake.
I just want you to know that I love you. Always and forever.
