about. you know how people raise their voices all high and squeal, and pout through their words when they talk to babies?…yeah? well imagine that with your husband, katsuki.
warnings. minors, blank and ageless blogs do not interact ! sfw, fluff, baby talking (lots of w’s involved), cutesy speech, baby doesn’t have a name, new parents, reader is referred to as mommy, fem!reader, girl dad + pro hero!bakugou, uncle!deku.
you’ve always known your husband, bakugou, to be slightly rough around the edges. being the man that he is, and witnessing first hand every struggle he’s ever gone through, it’s hard to imagine him without his hardened outer shell. your katsuki has stood on the brink of death more than once — testing, fighting it… all while facing a world that saw him as good for nothing and evil.
how could you expect a man like that to be anything other than defensive, brash and bold? katsuki bakugou can be a little harsh, a little too mean at times but that’s never deterred you from giving him all the love he thinks he doesn’t deserve. you’d give him all the stars in the sky if you could, and he would give you the universe in turn.
he was far from cookie cutter perfect, yet, even with his bumps and sharp edges, katsuki tried to love you and let you in. still, you’d never thought you’d see the day when all of the blonde’s roughness, his bared fangs and callous tongue all melted away for another human being aside from you.
for your darling baby girl.
“who’s my ‘eepy lil’ girl? you are! yeah. you are, sweetheart. oh, what’s that? big yawn for daddy?” the blonde coos with a sunshine smile that lights up the entirety of his well-aged face. you’re still young, for parents of a eight month old but even you can see the way that his hair is slightly silvered at his undercut that’s growing out and there are finer lines under ruby framed eyes (the late nights and early starts are probably the reason for that).
still, with all of this, and even with your genetics throwing a spanner in the works — your daughter is the spitting image of bakugou and he loves her. he loves her pale blonde curls, big bambi red eyes and her all the parts about her that remind him of you.
pulling her from her crib to settle her on his hip, the bigger bakugou rubs the sleep from her eyes as she wakes up from her nap. “so freakin’ cute.” he hums, licking his thumb to wipe over the traces of tears on her cheeks.
ever since she was born, earlier and around spring time, bakugou has been absolutely obsessed with the tiny human version of him you'd blessed him with. he’ll be the first one up at the crack of dawn when she cries for her breakfast, he’s happy to carry around her dynamight themed baby bag and always apologises to you when you have to change her explosive diapers (or he just does it for you.).
baby dynamight goes everywhere with her daddy, she’d be on patrols if you’d let bakugou take her on them too. she’s absolutely spoiled as well, with more clothes and toys and itty bitty little shoes a baby of her age would need despite how often you tell your husband that she’ll just grow out everything. perhaps your little girl is more spoiled than you — not that you mind, because it only means you get to witness adorable moments like these each and every day.
“katsuki, she’s supposed to be lying down.” you remind him gently, stepping past the threshold of the nursery to be by his side. your daughter instantly reaches out to curl three of her tiny fingers around your index, drooling in content between both of her parents.
bakugou looks down at you with a distraught pout. “yeah… but she woke up cryin’ f’me so i came to check on my sweepy wittol pwincess.” you giggle at how high pitched katsuki makes his voice when he talks about your daughter, baby-talking her whilst waving her tiny little hand at you. “say hi to momma, sweet girl. say hi!”
the mini bakugou tucked into his bulky arms lets out an excited squeal — though she’s quickly distracted by mapping her hands up and down the squiggly lines (tattoos) on daddy’s arms.
“exactly,” you press, grabbing an uravity themed spit up cloth from the diaper station behind you moth. carefully, you mop up the drool tracks baby dynamight leaves on katsuki before dabbing at her chin as well. “we’re trying to get her to learn how to go back to sleep on her own. which means?”
“leavin’ her to cry until she falls back to sleep….”
“which is why?”
bakugou’s shoulders sag in defeat. you know how much he hates leaving her to cry, it’s been difficult for him to adjust to not just picking her up whenever she needs or he wants to. “you invited stupid deku over ‘n daddy has to have stupid drinks with his big stupid broccoli head, ain’t that right gorgeous?” your baby grins with her gums again and bakugou blows a raspberry at her. “oh yeah? yes it is! look at that pretty girl smilin’, just like momma.”
you know he’s trying to butter you up for more time with her — you’re a sucker for the father-daughter bond they have already, you fear that you might melt if you look at the two of them together any longer. they’re a sight for sore eyes, the two loves of your life cuddled up with each other, baby bakugou’s pudgy cheek resting on katsuki’s warm chest (no doubt lulling her back to sleep).
“katsuki please,” you plead weakly, ready to give up on being the rain on this baby parade so you can scoop your little girl up and shower her with kisses. “we have guests and she needs to go back to sleep. or she’ll be up in the middle of the night.”
the elder blonde can’t help the proud smile that illuminates his face as he watches his two girls together — the way you fiddle with her baby grow to make sure she’s cosy. “s’okay, daddy’ll wake up for you, won’t he?” bakugou sways from side to side, toying with all the tiny features on your daughter before catching your exasperated look. “alright, fine. back to sleep we go princess. don’t mind mommy, she’s jus’ bein’ meanie who won’t let me show you off.”
there’s a tender moment, where time stands still, while katsuki lowers his pride and joy back into her crib — fighting back what are probably tears as she clings onto every part of him, looking up at him with her matching big beautiful ruby eyes. he feels as though he’s looking into a mirror that reflects not only him but parts of you as well.
“night night princess, goodnight! daddy loves ya—“
said moment is lost when izuku stops by the nursery on his way back down stairs from the bathroom. “wait, kacchan baby-talks?”
“of course i do nerd!” bakugou’s head whips up faster than the speed of sound, and you have to refrain from laughing at how fast he goes from soft and tender father to deku’s public enemy number one. “she’s my fuckin’—” the blonde pauses after receiving a warning glance from you. no cursing in front of the baby. “freakin’ kid!”
the number one raises his hands in surrender, sheepish laughter spilling out of him. “relax kacchan! i was only teasing.”
“tease my ass! you go ‘nd have a kid with your partner ‘n see what it turns you into — in fact, ‘m surprised you don’t have a whole litter already. what with the way you two are fuckin’.”
“oh that’s rich coming from you, kacchan. you guys literally conceived at my family barbecue last year!”
“well you fucked on my desk. my desk. so it’s only right that we—!”
while the boys bicker, you make quick work of ensuring your daughter is safely tucked in and her pacifier is popped into her mouth just in case she wakes up again and needs to soothe herself. stroking back her peach fuzz curls, you press a kiss to the soft membrane of her skull and pull back with a wistful grin while she drifts off to sleep again. her unfairly long lashes flutter against your hand, mostly inherited from her father.
“alright boys, that’s enough!” you whisper yell, hands still on the bar of the crib to make “don’t you see that she’s sleeping again? we wouldn’t wanna wake her up, right?”
katsuki pouts. “you’re right, sorry, sweetness.”
midoriya nods along agreeably, taking a peek at his sleeping niece from the doorway.“right! otherwise we’d have to send daddy back in there to save baby girl’s day. he can’t resist his pwecious gwirl.”
“i said shut the fuck up, izuku!” your husband snarls, cheeks burning fire truck red.
“yes daddy!” izuku bats his eyelashes at him.
“i’ll kill you, nerd.”
“i’d like to see you try, daddy!”
“boys!”
you do try your best to intercept, but your daughter beats you to it — waking up with a fresh set of tears and a wail so loud it has two big, burly pro heroes baby-talking her in an attempt to get her right back to sleep.
pairing: jihoon x fem!reader
genre: angst, soulmate
word count: 17k
sumary: in a world where soulmates exists, jihoon is faced with difficult decisions
part one | part two (final)
He doesn't know what woke him up first, the wetness on his face or how tight his chest felt - like it was about to explode. Maybe it was a weird mix of both.
Pushing the covers off his body, Jihoon tried to sit up. There was no reason for him to be feeling that way, he knew that. He didn't dream of anything, or at least he didn't remember it. In an attempt to calm himself, Jihoon got out of bed, went to the bathroom, and washed his face.
But the tears were still there when he tried them off, the tightness in his chest and throat getting stronger by the second. He hadn't felt that way in so long and even back then it wasn't that bad…
Jihoon ran to the door before his body could fully process what he was doing. His mind moved much faster than his recently awoken body allowed him to. There was only one reason why tears would spill from his eyes without his permission, one that he was never able to control.
"y/n!"
Jihoon hit the wooden door with all his strength, both of his hands taking turns on an unstoppable plea for you to open the door. He knew that you were the only one who could bring out that sort of reaction in him. He should have realized it earlier. It took him too long to wake up and understand what was happening.
"y/n! Please, open the door"
He didn't stop even when a neighbor came out to see what all the commotion was about. At that point, he didn't know if the tears in his eyes were only yours or if his own had gotten mixed up together. And being honest he didn't care.
Your name was on the tip of his tongue, ready to be called out again when the door was door was pulled open. Jihoon didn't even have a chance to look at your face before your arms circled his neck and pulled him close.
Not knowing what to do, he just held your trembling body close. Running his hand over the length of your hair, in a silly attempt to calm you down. It was obvious that it wasn't going to help all that much, but little was still better than nothing at all. Some sort of momentary comfort was all he could give you.
When he was a kid, Jihoon's mom would do the same to him. Not when he was simply throwing a tantrum, though his parents always caved during those times, they knew the difference between real and fake tears.
The notch in his throat got thicker as your arms got tighter around him.
"It's Chan," you said finally, your words muffled by his shoulder "Accident"
You said more but all of your words got lost in his shirt. Though he didn't understand the rest, what he did understand was more than enough. When both of you were stuck at the elevator, you explained it to him or, rather, gave him little information that told him everything he needed to know.
He pulled your hands away from him and took a step back. Your hair was sticking to your face, your pajamas wrinkled, and the tears left an obvious path on your cheeks.
Jihoon wanted to protect you from the world, from himself. However, there was only one thing he could offer you.
"Put your shoes on, I'll take you to him"
Somewhere along the road, you stopped crying. The only sound coming from you was the leftover sobs that still lightly shook your body. Your eyes had been so focused on the road ahead of you, on how it seemed endless, that you didn't even notice that Jihoon held your hand, that he looked at you now and then - concern covering all of his features.
The only thing on your mind was Chan. If he was okay, what exactly had happened to him? The emptiness that filled you when you were told that your parents were gone threatened to make its appearance once again and you hated it.
Another car crash.
Was it possible that life, universe, destiny, god, or whatever it was called, was cruel enough to take someone else from you like that? You wanted to believe that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice but it was hard to do so. No one wanted to give out any information on your brother over the phone, even when Jihoon tried calling them and playing the doctor card.
It was completely silent. The world around you got smaller, and darker until it was hard to breathe. And there was nothing that you could do about it.
Jihoon was doing his best, driving over the speed limit, but having to be careful so both of you didn't get in an accident too. A car drive that usually took three hours became two but still felt like an eternity.
Please be okay.
You bolted out of the car the second it stopped, forgetting to check if Jihoon was behind you. Everyone looked at you with wide eyes as you rushed inside, taking notice of your pajamas, worn-out shoes, and messy hair.
"Someone called me about my brother, and said that he was brought in after an accident"
The lady behind the computer looked at you over her glasses and sighed. It was something she was used to, desperate people looking for family members.
"Name?"
"Lee Chan"
It felt like forever had gone by while she typed your brother's name and waited for the computer to load all the information.
"ER 3" she finally said.
A huge hospital, with more hallways than what you thought was possible, separated you from Chan. Thankfully Jihoon seemed to know exactly where that was. His hand landed lightly on your lower back, guiding you.
You walked inside the room frantically, going from bed to bed, until you heard Chan's voice, his laugh going around the wide room.
Pulling the curtains away you were faced with a very happy Chan, looking at his coach like nothing was wrong in the world. A sling covered his arm and an orthopedic boot was around his left leg.
"What are you doing here?"
All of the concern and fear you felt seconds before were replaced by anger. The purest kind of anger that exists, borderline wrath. Your body now shook for an entirely different reason.
"You were drunk and driving?"
It was so easy to pick up the smell of cheap beer and booze on his clothes. It was so strong that you were sure that he had bathed in it.
"I wasn't the one driving," he said.
He was out of it, almost completely. His words were a slurred mess, the smell of vomit coming out of his clothes and mouth almost made you want to throw up. The scene right in front of you made you wonder just what kind of life Chan was living now that he was at college, away from you.
"Do you have any idea how worried I was? I thought you were gone too" the words were barely a whisper. You wanted to hit him, shake him until he was finally back to his senses until that goddamn alcohol left his body.
Instead, you cried. You were angry with him for being so careless but you were also thankful. You spend three hours thinking that he was dead, that because no one wanted to tell you how he was, the worst must have happened. The fear of being in a world without Chan, of being left alone, far greater than anything you've ever felt. It didn't even compare to the day you lost your parents, because then you had Chan. Without him, you weren't too sure of what would be left of you.
"So what now?" you turned to his coach, pushing the tears away.
You remember talking to him briefly before at one or two tournaments you had attended since Chan was a freshman. He wasn't exactly what one would expect of a taekwondo coach, short, bald, and fat, but your brother loved him. Whenever you talked with Chan he only had good words to say about the older man.
"Well, he's suspended for starters" when Chan complained his coach turned to him, his voice suddenly louder than when he was speaking to you "You were training for a competition, you weren't even supposed to be out of your damn dorm"
You were grateful that your brother had someone like that in his life, someone who was willing to ground him and call him on his shit, though all of it could be for show. Maybe he was just playing tough in front of you and at the end, he was like all other coaches ever, the kind that thinks that athletes should be above everything else.
"He'll also need time to heal his arm and leg. So maybe three months overall?"
That was going to be hell for Chan, you knew that. For as long as you could remember, everything he ever did was somehow related to the sport. There was no way Chan and Taekwondo existed in separate realms.
He couldn't be older than four when you first heard him talk about Taekwondo. The two of you were watching TV and someone in the movie was doing it. The second he saw it, he fell in love with it. He said Sis, I want to do that. And, oh how he wanted it.
For weeks he walked behind your dad begging to go to classes. I'll be the bestest boy, I promise! Until your parents finally caved. You had never seen Chan quite that happy. It was like someone that young had already found what they were supposed to with their life.
Your parents were sure that Chan would eventually give it up, that he was just going through a phase. Every kid wants to be thousands of different things while growing up and your parents were sure that Chan would be just like all of those kids. It didn't turn out that way though.
As time went by Chan was falling deeper into Taekwondo. There were days that he didn't talk much when he got home, he was frustrated, slamming doors and barely eating. But when you walked past his room you would see him training with a frown on his face and trying again and again. Some days he managed to get it right and others he failed. But never once he gave up, not even for a second.
"I'll take him home, to make sure that he doesn't do anything stupid"
You assured the coach, who seemed relieved by your words.
"As if" Chan scoffed.
You could barely see him, his coach covering most of his body, so you pushed the older man to the side.
"Oh, this is not up for debate. You're coming home with me and that's final"
He looked at you then, his eyes turning vicious, knowing that whatever he said next was going to hurt you but still choosing to go forward with it.
"You're not my mom, you can't make me"
He was being petulant, acting in a way he hadn't since he was fourteen, or maybe fifteen. But instead of backing down, let him have the last word, you crossed your arms over your chest and held your head higher than ever before.
"I'm not Mom, but I'm the only one you've got so suck it up and do as I say"
Jihoon didn't dare to stay inside with you after he saw that Chan was fine, or as fine as he could be considering the situation. He figured it was more of a family situation and whatever he wanted, which was to stay close to you, didn't matter all that much. He reached for his phone and dialed his mom's number before he could stop himself - or even realize what he was doing.
He didn't think that his mom would actually pick up the phone. It was late, the middle of the night, but that was never a problem with Jihoon's mom. Since he was a kid she told him that she worked better during the night and that was one of the reasons why he never really cared about the time he called her.
"Hey son"
Of all the people he met in his life, patients, friends, and coworkers, his mother was by far the easiest-going person he ever came across. He knew that if he called her and asked about soulmates and how the bond worked she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She would be curious about it, like crazy, but she wouldn't press Jihoon to talk about it - at least for a few weeks.
"Hi Mom, how are you?"
"Who do I have to thank for this phone call?"
He could hear her smile. Was that a weird thing to say? He just knew when she was smiling.
"I have this friend, right?" his mom hummed at the other end, probably knowing that he was full of shit "And he met his soulmate, for a while now, and things are going sort of… bumpy. He is sort of an idiot, but she is great. Anyway… you've always said that once the bond is made and the mark is gone, the trait that connects souls vanishes. But what if it doesn't?"
"You mean it happened again?"
It was his turn to hum and his mom went silent on the other end. He heard as she moved around, the sound of books being opened and closed, pages being turned, was all he received.
Jihoon knew that he shouldn't have called his mom but she was the only one he could ask. Talking to his dad was just too hard, he would ask too many questions and Jihoon didn't have answers that his dad would like to hear. He wasn't too fond of lying to his dad either.
"It's not impossible" his mother dragged the words out "It doesn't happen very often though. Did it happen to you?"
He choked on his saliva. He tried for a good minute to recompose himself. It was bad enough that a nurse came to check on him.
"I haven't met her yet, you know that"
Jihoon played it off. He didn't call his dad because he had no intention of lying but he was just doing it to his mom.
"You may not talk to me a whole lot but your girlfriend does and she tells me things"
Right then was the moment Jihoon regretted telling Mina about it. Then again, he didn't want to keep anything from her. The entire situation was bad already, he didn't want another thing to make it even worse than it had to be. Mina not knowing about you was going to hell on earth.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" was all he said.
Was there anything else he could say? At the end of the day, it was his life and ultimately his decision. But Jihoon had always been the kind of person who talked to their parents, even when it was hard to get the words out. Like in that moment.
He knew what his parents thought, knew that they would want him to stay with his soulmate. That's what the universe planned for you, son. There were too many things fighting him on it. It was like the universe was fighting against him, instead of with him.
"It's your choice, you don't have to apologize," his mother said softly, a hint of sadness in her voice "So this girl, y/n, cried again and you did too?"
He nodded, even though his mother couldn't see him. He felt like a child that did something wrong, who broke something expensive, and lied to his parents because he was scared to get caught. So he told his mother everything, from the day he met you to the moment he almost tore you down.
In complete silence, his mother heard everything that he had to say. Not even once did she stop him to ask anything, something that wasn't like her at all.
Talking about it with someone was better than he expected. Though he told Mina about you, Jihoon didn't dare to say everything - not when she wasn't the one for him. How unfair of him would it be to talk with his girlfriend about his soulmate? He also couldn't talk to Soonyoung about it either. His friend was against everything Jihoon was doing.
"Fear of death," his mother said after some time "What she was feeling was probably too overwhelming, maybe even bigger than the soul connection. The two of you are yet to fully form the bond, both of you are still holding back right now so it's not that strong yet. She was likely scared that her brother was dead and was scared because she was going to be left alone"
Jihoon's car was quite large but it felt way too small for the three of you. The tension in the air was palpable, you could almost see it. You felt the need to apologize to him but also maybe hit Chan in the head with a hammer. He had been sulking the entire time since you left the hospital and that wasn't making the three-hour drive any easier, the smell of vomit and beer wasn’t helping either.
"Will you stop that? It's not the end of the world, okay?"
"That depends. How angry will you be if I fail this semester?" his voice was dripping with sarcasm.
You just knew that Chan was lying about it. From what he told you, and what his coach said, if Chan failed or got bad grades he was out of the Taekwondo team in a blink of an eye.
"Will you quit sport then? You can if you want but I call bullshit"
Instead of a smart comeback at your words, Chan laughed so loudly that even Jihoon seemed startled, his eyes looking at your brother through the rearview mirror. A small smile tones his lips. He was relieved that you and Chan were, apparently, on better terms than when you left the hospital. If his laugh was any indication of it, he wasn't as angry anymore.
"Are you the one teaching her how to curse? Big Sis never did that. Should have learned some of those back in college, would have been very helpful"
You just wanted Chan to shut up. That was ages ago, long enough that you barely remembered it - or you'd like to think you didn't. But it seemed that it was still very much alive in your brother's memory.
"That barely counts as cursing," you said
"What happened in college?" Jihoon asked at the same time.
It was the first time Jihoon said anything at all since you went inside the ER to find a somewhat drunk Chan. When you came out of the room, fuming, ready to just burst, Jihoon remained calm. The only thing he did was hold your hand, to let you know that he was there. As much as you didn't want to admit his presence had helped, it made you feel less likely to go insane at any given moment.
But right in that second, after Chan opened his big mouth, you wished that you were on your own, that your little breakdown didn't at all reflect on Jihoon and he had remained oblivious to it. Something, you had no idea what happened and he was suddenly at your door, screaming your name at the top of his lungs and banging on the door like a madman. His voice somehow helped you to get away from the fog that clouded your mind.
Jihoon's presence had made you feel somehow a little closer to your normal self.
You were sure all of it had to do with the soulbond and you hated it all. Hated the idea that you leaned on him, the fact that even after you promised yourself that you wouldn't let him close to you, he did. And with your permission, on top of that.
Now he was getting an insight into your life when he shouldn't. It felt like you were living your life, since the day you met Jihoon, like a broken record that is stuck in the same song. You told yourself that he wouldn't get close to you again, he promised you that he wouldn't, but at the first chance you got you found yourselves near each other again. Whatever excuse you could come up with was valid enough.
"y/n had a boyfriend in college. Real nice guy until he dumped her the second some other girl showed up"
Let the road swallow me whole, you prayed to whoever listened to you. You didn't want to go there, didn't want to ever talk about that again. Jun had hurt you, yes - quite a lot actually - but many people go through that in life and you certainly weren't going to be the last one.
You were young at the time, thought you had life completely figured out, and believed what Jun told you. It all seemed so simple. Kids born out of bondless couples don't have soulmates; if you stay with someone for long enough the feeling is just the same as the soul bond All of it was just a huge lie, the biggest one someone ever told you. That someone was yourself.
You were with Jun for five years, from the second year of high school to the third one of college. And you believed it. His parents weren't soulmates either and you two hit it off since the first second. Other kids at school looked at the two of you in a funny way but neither of you seemed to mind.
It was true, you didn't in the least. You were happy when you were with him and he was too, or at least you liked to think so. You wish you could say that something happened, that towards the end things were bad, but it would be a lie. Everything was fine, great actually. You had been talking about moving in together and life after college. One word that could describe what you felt, was happiness. You felt as if the world was conspiring with you, helping you move forward in life.
One day Jun called you and asked to meet you for coffee. You went, of course. Put on nice clothes, did your makeup, thinking you were meeting your boyfriend for a date in the middle of the afternoon. An escape, as he liked to call it. You noticed that something was wrong the second you went inside the cafe. One look at Jun was more than enough to tell that something was wrong and whatever it was, it was enough to break everything that was carefully built for a little over five years.
"I've met her, my soulmate"
All plans and dreams vanished the very second those words were said out loud. You swallowed everything, the lump in your throat, the sudden pain in your chest, and smiled. I should be happy for him. Just because it wasn't certain that you would find your soulmate didn't mean that Jun had to stick beside you.
Soo Ji was nice. Not someone you would ever picture as Jun's soulmate but the universe worked at its own pace. It wasn't your place to butt in. At first, you two, and even Soo Ji in some ways, tried to stay close. For years you stuck to each other so it was weird not to be close or in some sort of contact. But soon you understood that it didn't work quite like that.
A relationship of three doesn't work.
"It was his soulmate, what did you expect him to do?" you asked quietly.
You had that same argument many times with Chan over the years and it always ended the same way. He didn't quite understand and you always played it like it was nothing at all.
"Stay with you. Lots of people do the same. I bet he is miserable right now, thinking that he should have stayed with you"
Chan couldn't be more wrong. Out of coincidence, you met Jun the other day. He came into the bakery with Soo Ji, a baby in her arms. You had never, not even once, seen Jun smile that brightly when he introduced you to his son. Both of them seemed happy together. It was like the things left unsaid weren't there, that there were no lingering feelings. And perhaps there weren't any on their end, maybe that was only you. You who tried to grab onto something that was doomed from the start.
Soo Ji had been the one to see that your mark was gone. You could see in her eyes that she didn't ask with malice, she seemed genuinely happy for you. For the first time, you felt the need to lie, to pretend that you were living a life that didn't belong to you.
So you did.
You told them about your soulmate, about how amazing he was, how happy you were with each other. You just blurted out lies about your life, about moments that never happened, of a future that wouldn't exist at all.
"Does it make sense that you're here, sad, all on your own because he left?"
You shook your head, a sigh escaping your parted lips. Chan always had the same argument and he never really understood.
"My soulmate is out there, I'll find him"
Jihoon stiffed by your side, or maybe he had been like that since the whole conversation started and you simply didn't notice. Your words weren't meant to hurt him, they were only supposed to shut Chan up. It was what you always said and, like many times before, it worked wonders.
More than anyone in your life, Chan knew what your limit was and when it was time to just stop. And that was the right moment to stop, when he saw your hand going unconsciously to your left shoulder and massaged it lightly. The spot your mark was on.
"I've met mine, you know," he said quietly, more of a secret to himself than words that were supposed to be said out loud.
You did your best not to make a fuss over it. Like you, Chan had been certain that he would never meet his other half. Your mother's words floated around in your mind, both of you are special. You thought of it only as parent talk. Every parent says that in hopes to lighten up their kids. It just seemed that your parents were onto something when they said that you.
"What happens now?" was all you asked.
If you learned one thing about Chan over the twenty years you've known him was that his life was his and his feelings were only for himself to know about. You had to always be careful of what you said to him, how you asked things. He never lashed out at you, or your parents. The only time he got worked up over something was talking about Jun.
Chan was always the kind of person that retreats into himself whenever things get too much and you knew that his feelings were too much.
"Nothing. We don't get along at all, that's it"
Your eyes drifted to Jihoon for a second, to find him looking back at you.
Was it possible that both, you and your brother, were doomed when it came to your soulmates?
My soulmate is out there, I'll find him.
Your words hunted Jihoon in his sleep - or better said the lack of them. After he dropped you and Chan home, Jihoon went straight to the hospital.
His mind was thankful for the distraction that was work. Never before had he been that pleased to work twelve hours without a break. His day had been so busy that he didn't even find a few minutes to talk to Soonyoung - which was probably a blessing in disguise.
Jihoon was certain that if his friend found out about what you said he would have been thrilled, ready to rub it in his face that he had indeed messed up. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. Jihoon couldn't do to Mina what your college boyfriend did to you. How was he supposed to walk away from Mina like nothing at all ever happened? He couldn't just leave you behind you either.
His mind went around like it was in a maze, only to end up in the same place he started. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. He was certain of one thing though: hearing you talk like he wasn't there, as if you hadn't met him at all, hurt a lot more than he expected.
My soulmate is out there, I'll find him.
He felt that he was made of thin air, that someone could just pretend that he didn't exist. Not once in his life he felt that way. Jihoon never felt so little that he believed he could truly disappear.
So he did the only thing he could do, he waited until morning and knocked on your door. Chan was the one who opened the door for him.
"Is your sister still at home?"
He looked at Jihoon with narrowed eyes, head slightly tilted to the said. The doctor was ready to have the door closed on his face but Chan just shook his shoulders and pointed to a closed door at the other side of the room.
Jihoon was surprised to see that even though your apartment had the same design as his, everything was completely different. Where his place was mostly white and grey, yours was colorful. When he looked at the walls he felt that life jumped out of them, straight to his face pointing out everything that was wrong with his place - or maybe even him.
You had an entire wall dedicated to your family. Pictures of a younger version of you, of Chan when he couldn't be older than ten holding medals and trophies, of your parents and the family together. Jihoon didn't have a single picture of his parents and friends in his apartment, not even on his phone.
"Don't look around too much, the walls may fall down," Chan said from behind him.
All Jihoon did was give him a nod and knock on the bedroom door quickly before going in. You were sitting in your bed, putting your shoes on, when Jihoon burst through the door.
It wasn't at all what you expected to see in the first few hours of the day but you were certain that it would eventually happen. You hoped for it to be much later than it was but there was nothing that you could do to fight it off.
You knew Jihoon was going to ask why you said what you said. He seemed uncomfortable when he heard you but being honest you wished that he could just let it go. Those words were more to soothe Chan than anything else. You knew who your soulmate was and had already found him, you just didn't know what to do with yourself.
You wished your life could be as simple and easy as the movie made it seem, as Jun had made it look like that all those years before. All you wanted to do was take Jihoon by the hand and run towards the sunset like everyone else. Why is it that everything seemed to be just a little harder for you? While all the people around you, not that there were many but enough, seemed to have their entire lives figured out you were still struggling to take a step forward.
You had been so naïve when Jihoon suddenly showed up in your life. Though you convinced yourself that he would reject you, you still hoped that he wouldn’t. Wanted with the strength of your body that just once things would go your way. The easy way. How easy it would have been if you could just simply follow your heart.
Buried deep down in your heart was the truth you never allowed yourself to say out loud, to even feel. Jihoon carved a place for himself in you, even if your words said the other way. He was the first person you thought about every morning and the desire to hear his voice was the last thing you felt before falling asleep. But none of it belonged to you. Though those feelings existed and were yours, they belonged in a box deep inside the closet where no one could ever have access to it.
If you couldn’t acknowledge your feelings it was better to pretend that they didn’t exist. It was best to pretend that Jihoon didn’t exist.
“Why are you here?”
You looked at him quickly before going back to tying your shoes.
“We have to talk. I wanted to tell you something…”
“I don’t want to hear it” you got up and walked past him, pulling out a coat and putting it on “I appreciate what you did, how you helped me with Chan and stayed by my side. Honestly, thank you for that. But I wish you’d keep your word and stop coming around”
He took a step back as if your words had physically hurt him. Jihoon’s face wasn’t as composed anymore. His soft features contorted into something that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.
“I know I said that but it’s not easy”
“And you think this is easy for me?” you pushed the wardrobe door closed with a loud sound. You were sure that it was loud enough that Chan was able to hear it from outside “You keep playing this game of push and pull. It hurts, Jihoon. It hurts so much because you don’t want me, but you also don’t want to let me go. I’m stuck here and have no idea what I'm supposed to do! Should I follow my heart and let this go on, even though I know I'm going to have it broken in the end? Or do I do the reasonable thing and tell you to fuck off?"
You hadn't realized that you were crying until Jihoon was in front of you, his hands on your face as his own eyes welled with tears. You hated how good it felt to have him touch you. Your skin seemed that it was on fire, your entire body reacted to his proximity.
“Don’t cry, not because of me”
You almost laughed at him. He should have said something before you spent the entire night tucked in bed doing your best so Chan wouldn’t hear a sound from the couch. He noticed that something was wrong when you walked inside the apartment. Chan became certain when you moved around like you were on autopilot, when you didn’t say anything about the accident, or even when you didn’t get close to the kitchen at all.
Before whenever Jihoon said that he would stay away you’d secretly wish that he wouldn’t. You used to think that just a little of him was better than nothing at all but as time went by you learned that it wasn’t at all like that. For your sanity, it would have been better if you hadn’t met him at all.
"Can you look at me and say we will be together? That you're going to leave Mina and be with me, as it's supposed to happen between soulmates?"
You could see it, his pain. It was evident in the way his face contorted as if showing the way his brain was working. You know that he wouldn't leave Mina and in a way, you were proud of him. Loyal to a fault. Maybe if Jun had shown you the same loyalty things would be much different.
“Let’s end this, whatever it is, right now. I can’t do this anymore”
Jihoon shook his head in protest as you pushed him away from you, trying desperately to cling onto you – in whatever way he could, for however long he could. But you were adamant about your decision. Nothing he said or did would make you change your mind.
“I’ve been rejected before and it didn’t hurt half as this. I loved Jun very much but I was always ready for the moment he would leave, he wasn’t my soulmate. I knew that it could happen but with you... It never crossed my mind, not even for a second, that something like this could happen. That I would have you this close to me and yet you were so far away. Unreachable. Please, let me go. This never really started but let’s end it anyway”
What could Jihoon say to make it okay again? He knew that there weren’t a lot of words that could do so, and none of them came to mind. Probably because he knew that nothing he said would make you change your mind. He didn’t know you all that well but one look at you was enough to tell him that nothing would.
He just stood in place, his fingers holding loosely to your sleeve. One last silent attempt. You looked at his hand for a second before wrapping your fingers around his wrist and pushing it away. You walked past him, being careful this time not to touch him in any way. Pulling the door open you crossed your arms over your chest, for protection more than anything else.
“Get out, please”
It felt weird to look at the place you had called home for two years empty. When you first moved in you thought of it as a place you would stay for years to come, until the day you managed to get your own house.
The decision to move was you being purely selfish, it was you running away. It was bittersweet, to be honest. You were trying to pretend that nothing ever happened and at the same time doing your best to give yourself a fresh start.
It took you a little over two months to finally find a place that was of your liking and that had two bedrooms, not one like the apartment you lived in before. Though Chan no longer needed to stay with you, since he was fully recovered and had gone through his suspension, you still wanted to have a room for him. He was all grown up and could take care of himself but to you, he was still a little scrawny kid running around pretending that he was the best taekwondo athlete the world had ever seen.
“I never thought that I would have to do this again, you know. Help you move and stuff” Chan complained.
You just rolled your eyes at him. Though your brother recovered and his arm and leg didn’t bother him anymore, you didn’t let him touch a single box. The last thing you needed was to have him complaining that because of you he was feeling sore and couldn’t practice as he should.
“You’re such a baby, we did all the heavy lifting,” Soonyoung said picking up the last box.
It was surprising to still have him around after you cut off any sort of contact with Jihoon. The two of them made no secret that they had been close throughout their entire lives. You thought that by ending your relationship with Jihoon, if you could even call it that, Soonyoung would become a lost friend. It didn’t happen that way though.
Soonyoung kept on showing up like he always did, this time he was just more careful not to say anything at all about Jihoon.
Content perhaps was the best way to describe how you were feeling at the time. It certainly wasn’t how you expected to feel after such a short time, especially compared to how you felt just a couple of weeks before. But it was better than not feeling anything at all. Your mom used to say that you should try to find happiness in the little moments, those matter a lot more than the big ones we make a fuss about.
That day, right there, with the four of you looking at the empty apartment was one of the little moments your mother talked about.
“That’s because my sister loves me very much”
“Don’t go counting on that. I just don’t want your coach screaming at me because you’re not recovered yet”
Chan dropped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you against his side, squeezing you a little too much. Yumi and Soonyoung weren't related by blood to you but whenever you looked at the two of them it made you feel that they were your family.
A small family, made of people who chose to be with each other, sounded pretty amazing.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Yumi asked for the billionth time.
It was almost funny to have her talk that way to you. Not that long ago she was the one encouraging you to go on a date. Pushing you, was a better way to put it. And now she was the one who seemed to have reservations about it. Or maybe she was just being cautious because she wasn't the one who introduced you to him, to Seungcheol.
To be honest it wasn't the first time you met him, not really. Attending your request, Soonyoung had taken him to the bakery. You knew that it wasn't the best place to meet someone for the first time but it was all you were willing to do.
That's probably why your friends seemed cautious and confused about your decision because they thought that you were mostly setting yourself up for failure.
Partially, you could understand it.
Yumi knew you for years, since the day you entered college with a bunny plushie that dated from when you were just a baby. She saw how you always held yourself back when meeting someone. The stories were no secrets and your future love life wasn't going to be as bright as hers or half of the world's. Instead of making you more outgoing and willing to try new things, it made you more cautious. There was also the whole situation with Jun, your parents' accident happened just a few months after that. Everything just sort of went to shit within a year.
"You seem more nervous than me" you laughed at her.
Yumi huffed and turned her back to you, carefully choosing the shade of blush she wanted to apply to your cheeks. You looked between lovely rose and glow, and finally chose the one on the right side. Why the hell not? you thought. You were the one starting this so it made sense that you were the one to put the most effort into it. Also, you knew that Yumi was going to put on glow on your face whether you wanted it or not.
"I am but then again when wasn't I? I set up all of your past dates but this feels different. I always felt more excited than you. For this though… I never saw it coming after... you know"
Does anyone ever think that they'll meet their soulmate and then simply move on, and date other people? It didn't sound plausible. But you weren't naive, you knew that it happened. You just didn't think that it would happen to you.
"No one ever does but life happens. Now help me, I want to look pretty”
Yumi smiled at you, not a full one like you were used to but a tiny one. It was still better than nothing at all.
“You want this”
She sounded surprised and it almost hurt you, but not to the point you got angry.
“He seems nice, doesn’t he? And handsome too, right?”
Just once in your life, you wanted to act young, probably younger than your age saw fitting, and gush about a handsome guy with your friend. And Yumi caught onto that quickly because a second later she was sitting by your side telling you all the dos and don’ts of a date.
“What is it with you? Where do you even find these guys? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you talk to an ugly guy, that was all me”
Seungcheol was, to put it in a few words, not at all what you expected. And that wasn’t a bad thing at all.
When you first met him, knowing only the simple description Soonyoung had given you, you thought of him as someone quiet and shy. It was true that he liked to have his own time, be by himself thinking about his life and those around him. But that wasn’t all there was to him, of course.
That first date, or at least the first time you considered a date, made you feel seen in a way that you never felt before. Seungcheol gave you his full attention the entire night, never looking bored. He seemed genuinely interested in what you were saying, from the bakery that took most of your time, to Chan, who was competing at the time so you were worried about him getting injured again.
He walked you home after dinner, his fingers brushing yours from time to time until he finally held your hand. You felt your cheeks get warm as a small smile played on your lips.
After that first date, the two of you were inseparable. When he got off work he went to the bakery and on the days he couldn’t make it, you found yourself texting him in between one recipe and another. For the first time, you felt clingy towards someone, it was like nothing before.
During the five years you dated Jun, it didn’t happen like that. You loved him with your whole heart, planned your life with him for years ahead of time, but also knew how to be without him. You lived your own life and he did the same, only seeing each other when there was time, especially during college when both of you lived almost completely on your own. Only meeting occasionally once a week, when there was even time to do so.
With Seungcheol even when there was no time you wanted to meet him, talk to him, hear his voice, or read his words. Whatever little pieces of him you could get at a time.
The relationship moved forward quickly, faster than what you or anyone could have predicted. And yet you were the happiest you had ever been. Complete.
“Do you have to leave for work this early?”
You smiled, turning around while pulling your hair one last time through the hair tie. Seeing Seungcheol in the early mornings was like seeing a little piece of paradise every day. From the nest of hair, the small eyes, the throaty voice. Everything about him was very dreamlike, a fairytale of your own.
"Is not my fault you live so far away from downtown"
You sat down by his side, Seungcheol's hand immediately going to your waist. His fingers slightly pushed your shirt up so they could touch your skin. Your fingers reached for the exposed skin of his chest, tracing his tattoo. One that you had grown too fond of since the first few days, the wrong spelling of the word becoming something both of you laughed at.
"If you wait a little, I can take you. It's still dark outside"
Shaking your head you leaned forward, your lips brushing his for a second before pulling back. Your other hand moved to his hair, pushing it away from his face.
"I drove here last night, remember? Don't forget though, Chan is coming for the weekend"
"I've met Chan before, you don't have to be nervous"
Seungcheol smile at you, entertained by your sudden nervousness. He hadn't met Chan yet, not really. Yes, he went with you to one of Chan's competitions but your brother wanted to celebrate with his friends and coach so you didn't bother to stay back. As soon as it was over you and Seungcheol left. So all your boyfriend saw was you screaming at anyone who dared to hit your baby brother and Chan fighting someone.
"I know, it's just… everyone is going to be there and we've never really done this"
By this Seungcheol knew that you meant the fact that even though you had been together for almost a year, neither of you had ever made things official, in a way. Your friends knew about your relationship but no one had really seen you two together often. That dinner and Chan were just an excuse to gather all of them and finally make it official.
"Hey, don't worry. We've got this"
Dinner with Chan was just ordering some takeout from different restaurants and eating at the store after hours. It was as simple as that. All of you gathered around a table, eating to your heart's content and talking to one another.
What was truly surprising about the night wasn't your first night with Seungcheol and all of your friends at the same time. Not at all. The most unexpected thing was that Chan showed up with a girl, holding her hand nervously. It was funny to look at them, your brother had never been that nervous around you - or anyone else for that matter.
Like a good older sister, and partially responsible for Chan, you wanted to know everything about that girl. How they met, when they met, if they went to the same school, if she too did Taekwondo. But you didn't ask any of that, your brother would have killed you if you did. Instead, you just welcomed her, offered her a drink, and answered questions she had about the bakery.
"You can do that older sister thing, you know? I don't mind" she said from behind you.
You hadn't realized that she followed you inside the kitchen. She was beautiful. Looking at her you would never think that she and Chan would fit together but seeing them side by side made you think that they were meant to be.
Meant to be.
"Are you his soulmate?" she went quiet for a few seconds, her eyes darting all over the kitchen before settling on you again "I'm not judging you, please don't think that. My boyfriend isn't my soulmate and the one before him wasn't either. I don't know why I asked that. I'm sorry"
She smiled at you then, her eyes turning into small crescents on her face. The unsettledness that covered her face just a second before completely vanished.
"In our case, I think it's more of a curse than a blessing" she moved away from the door, helping you with boxes of food and plates "My brother hates him and so does my dad"
Your mind suddenly went back to that day, almost two years before, when Chan and you were in the car with Jihoon. The Taekwondo athlete had been the one to mention his soulmate and had also been the one to brush it off, saying that they didn't get along at all. And then he just showed up with her, no warnings or anything.
"But I'm here now, so it probably means something"
You smiled at her then, passing her a tray while you held the other one.
"It does. It means everything"
You smiled again, happy that whatever happened between the two of them was seemingly in the past, but still somewhat worried over the idea of her family not liking him.
She walked out of the kitchen and Chan went in, right after her. He looked behind his shoulder for a second before closing the door and leaning against it, his arm crossed over his chest.
"What?" you left at him.
Ever since you moved from the old apartment, Chan had gotten way more protective of you. One would think that he was actually the older brother, from the way he talked to you, always asking if you were doing good, if you were dating.
You knew that he somehow found out about Jihoon and the soulmate thing, probably through Yumi. He never asked and you never said anything.
"I missed seeing you like this," he said quietly and you furrowed your brows at him, still smiling "Happy. You look happy. It's been too long"
You put the tray down and walked to him. You put your hands on his shoulder, forcing him to stand straight.
"Chan, I'm happy" you assured him "And even if my love life was a little all over the place for a few years, I was still happy because I had you"
He mimicked your stance, his hands moving to your shoulder too. The position was awkward, making you laugh and drop your hands by your side.
"I know but I'm not talking about those years and those idiots" he rolled his eyes and pulled you in for a hug "You seem free again, like when you were a teenager. I never told you this, but I always thought you were pretty cool. Even now, that you have this lovey-dovey look on your face, you're still pretty cool"
You pinched his side, causing a laugh to erupt from him, and took a step back, a smile still on your face.
It was so easy to forget sometimes that Chan had grown up over the years and if anything being an athlete helped with that. He was more responsible than most twenty-two-year-olds, he no longer needed your help and you were sure that he only asked for advice to entertain you.
"And for what is worth, I like him" he nodded at the door "I don't think I've ever not seen you smile while talking about him, so you deserve it. Don't ever let go of your happiness, please"
"Then I guess you're stuck with me forever"
It came as no surprise to Jihoon having people in and out of your apartment, the place you once called home, thinking if they should rent it or not.
Everything happened so fast after the day you told him to get lost, that you wanted to end something that hadn't even truly started. One day you were there and the next you weren't, like you had disappeared into thin air.
He tried asking Soonyoung about you. Jihoon knew that the two of you were still in touch so asking about you to his childhood friend seemed like a good idea. But Soonyoung wasn't willing to say anything though, it didn't matter how much he begged and whatever he could promise. The doctor was true to his word and didn't say anything at all.
And Jihoon did his best at staying away like he promised you many times but failed every single chance.
That was why he kept coming around when he knew that it was probably best to stay away from you. When he knew that he should stay away from you. Whenever he was away though, he felt like he was missing a part of himself so he kept coming back. Jihoon made himself believe that it was better to have you close, even if it was in complete silence than to not have you at all.
What he didn’t know was that his actions were as bad for you as they were for him, if not worse. You made a good job of making him believe that you weren’t interested at all in him, that whether he was there or not didn’t make a single difference for you. You were right in front of him and yet he felt as if you were farther apart than when the bond wasn’t made.
When Jihoon told Mina about it, about you, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to expect. Maybe have her throw him out like it was the case with many others, have her scream at him, or have her tell him that it was okay if he walked away. He could never see it coming, the “so what? It doesn’t have to mean anything”.
That night Jihoon watched as she just turned on her side to sleep, only to wake up the next morning pretending that nothing at all ever happened. Never again Mina mentioned you. It seemed so easy for her to pretend that you didn’t exist at all. Her actions always made him wonder just when had she changed so much. If the roles were reversed and she had been the one to find her soulmate, Jihoon would have been more than happy for her.
As kids, the two of them always talked about what it would be like to find their soulmates. Jihoon coming from the way he was raised, with parents that were soul doctors and conversations that only revolved around soulmate bonds, and Mina having the natural curiosity every kid has.
It was so easy to remember her reaction when she first met Chanwoo.
It happened during her first day of high school, she was a senior just like Jihoon and Soonyoung. When the three of them met during lunch Mina had a pink tint to her cheeks, the tray of food in her hands shook slightly as she walked towards their seat, looking behind her every couple of seconds to ensure someone was still there. From his seat Jihoon saw Chanwoo, a tall guy standing behind Mina, looking at her with the same kind of dreamy eyes she had on.
“Another crush?” Soonyoung teased when she sat down.
During their high school years, it was like Mina had completely forgotten about her soulmate, her interest being entirely focused on the guys at school and her latest crush. One would be surprised how fast she fell in and out of love but all of that could be blamed on raging teenage hormones.
Mina leaned forward, pulling the collar of her shirt to the side showing the now empty skin just below her collarbone, where her mark used to be. Unlike the one Jihoon carried on his wrist, Mina’s mark was just a simple pink glittery strip. She had always been proud of it, saying that she got lucky that hers wasn’t as horrendous as his snowflake or Soonyoung’s smiley face. But her mark was gone.
“If he is the one, what are you even doing here?” Jihoon asked.
He looked over her shoulder to see Chanwoo still standing there, staring at Mina’s back as if he had found his entire reason to live right in that second.
“Can I really do that?”
It was funny how sometimes Mina acted like a kid, who was used to asking permission for everything.
“I mean, we’ve eaten lunch together in the past, what? thirteen years? I don’t mind not having to talk about the latest fashion trend for a day”
One day turned into many and soon enough Mina was someone Jihoon only saw when passing through the hallways or when he was going home. And being honest he didn’t mind it that much. It’s not like he could simply overlook the years of friendship that the three of them shared but he was genuinely happy for Mina. When someone grows up the way they did, with soulmates being the center of their reality, it was only natural that she felt the need to stay with Chanwoo whenever it was possible.
Things only started to get back to normal during college. By then, Mina was far more used to having a soulmate and the idea of being away from him wasn’t as painful as it was at first. The honeymoon phase, as Jihoon and Soonyoung called it, was finally over. The trio then became a quartet and Chanwoo was a nice addition to their small group. Of course that sometimes it was troublesome, especially when Chanwoo and Mina got all touchy with each other. Other than that, everything felt normal again.
Or at least it did for a few years.
“You remember we have dinner with your parents tonight, right? It’s your mom’s birthday” Mina asked.
Jihoon looked up from his phone. He had been staring at the thing for 15 minutes without actually seeing the screen. It was open on the news but he wasn’t reading anything at all. She was in front of her dresser, looking at him through the mirror.
“Yeah. My dad wants to meet after work, though. You don’t have to run there after you finish it off at the office”
Mina smiled at him but it didn’t feel as before. When he was young seeing Mina smile made him somewhat feel happy too. Seeing his friends happy made him feel good, knowing that he had helped get that smile. But Mina's smile wasn't like that anymore, it didn't fully reach her eyes and was only there for show.
"Yeah, I'll see you then"
Working at the hospital, with kids, was the only thing that brought Jihoon some sort of solace, that made him feel more like himself. Though at times he hardly knew where the line was, between who he was and what people saw him as. Jihoon felt that in the hospital he was who he wanted to be.
Growing up, it was clear to Jihoon that he was going to be a doctor. Whenever someone asked what he wanted to be, his answer was a straightforward doctor. Most people thought that he was simply following his parents' footsteps but that wasn't really what he wanted.
His parents barely had contact with other people. The starting point for their research was people, yes, but to his parents, people were nothing more than data. Whatever they wanted to know could have been found through books and questionnaires, created by them but asked by others.
Jihoon wanted the human contact a hospital doctor had. Maybe it was the way that grew up on his own, without his parents around all that much, or perhaps it was just something that he was born with. And being a pediatrician happened naturally. When thinking about which specialty he should take, the first thing that came to his mind was pediatrics. At first, Jihoon was stiff around kids, not knowing if he should talk to the kids or their parents, or how much strength he should use. Slowly, but surely, he got there.
"Your dad is in the waiting room," the nurse told him.
He was ready to leave, his clothes had been changed and his hair was wet from the shower he took. Jihoon knew that he was supposed to meet with his dad right after work but he didn't think, not once, that he would come into the hospital. His dad was a doctor, yes, but only at the title. The older man hated hospitals to the point he had to be dragged to one when he was sick.
Whatever reason brought Jihoon's dad to the hospital couldn't be a good one.
"Hi Dad," Jihoon said, awkwardly adjusting the bag on his shoulder.
His dad wasn't a man of many words. Even when the man was furiously out of his mind, his words remained calm and very few. That's why Jihoon always thought, as a teenager, that he could get away with anything at all. All he would get from his father was a disapproving look and even more silence. As a grown man, Jihoon understood his actions as a way to get his father's attention, though it was futile because it never worked the way he planned.
"So your mother said no to drinks before dinner but we are in charge of cake pick up, that should give us enough time"
It was so much like his dad, not even saying hi and going straight to the point. For Jihoon, it came as a surprise that his dad wanted to meet and talk. This time the initiative didn't start on his end. For once, his father was the one who started it, a text saying when and where to meet. Curiosity had been eating him alive, his mind bouncing all over the place wondering what was so important and secretive that couldn't be said during dinner in front of his mother and Mina.
The two of them walked to the parking lot in complete silence. To be honest, it was something Jihoon was used to and a moment he found peace in. The soul doctor was a man of books and theory, Jihoon was sure he read every single book on maternity he could get his hands on before he was born and even some after. Words were never his strong suit but he always managed to show his support by being there when the moment mattered. Yes, it was true that his parents missed the day-to-day life, probably didn't see when his second and third tooth fell, and weren't home to help with school projects. That had been his nanny but his first words, first steps, teaching him how to ride a bike, graduations, any speech Jihoon had given, they were there. His mother was the more vocal one, his dad putting a hand on his shoulder and giving him a light squeeze as if saying you did good son.
And those words, even in silent form, meant more than anything else.
"Your mother ordered a cake from the bakery down the block"
Jihoon swallowed his saliva and nodded. His dad didn't have to give more information or directions to the place, he already knew it by heart. Not once had he been there after you told him to leave you alone. If you can't be with me fully then I don't want you at all. Your words hadn't been those but he understood what you meant. What you said had been carefully chosen. Even under those circumstances, you didn't want to hurt him.
After he left your apartment, Jihoon was numb - to say it nicely. During the following week of that morning, he didn't go anywhere except work. Soonyoung didn't say anything about it. When they had a chance to meet, their conversation had been minimal e nothing like the lively chat both of them often engaged in.
It felt weird to be with Soonyoung in silence. His friend had always been talkative, filling the silence with jokes and stories - at times saying the same thing more than once. Soonyoung was disappointed in him, Jihoon was certain of it.
Jihoon didn't complain and just drove there. When he parked in front of the bakery, he didn't get out of the car. The truth was that he couldn't.
"I'll wait here"
His dad didn't fight him, he just got out of the car and went inside. As much as Jihoon tried to stop himself, he couldn't. He knew that he shouldn't but you were right there, and he hadn't seen you in two years. All we wanted to do was look at you, for a brief moment.
And you looked gorgeous.
Your hair was longer than before, your skin had a light tan on your skin - a sign that you had taken part in the street fair a week before -, and your smile was the brightest Jihoon had ever seen on your face. He watched, in pure amazement, as you talked to his father, laughing loudly at something he said.
Suddenly you extended a hand to your left and a second later a man took your fingers in his hold. A weird lump formed in Jihoon's throat, his chest tightened and he felt as if he was short of air. The man snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you closer to his side and you looked up at him like he had rang all of the stars in the sky. As if he was the sole reason why you were on this earth. As if he was your soulmate.
Jihoon didn't expect to be taken over by jealousy, much less like that. He felt like he was ready to combust within his own body. He wanted to get out of there and pull you away from that man.
You had someone and that person wasn't him. He knew that it wasn't his place, he had no right. He was with Mina, he refused to end things with her to be with you so he couldn't expect you to stay on your own.
He couldn't say that it didn't hurt, because it did. A whole lot. And the guy by your side had the same look on his face. If he didn't know any better, Jihoon would have thought that the man was your soulmate, not him.
You said goodbye to his dad, a smile on your face as you handed him a second box.
"Wish her a happy birthday for me!" you shouted from inside.
In the same way that Jihoon hadn't seen you, he also hadn't heard your voice. Back then you didn't talk a whole lot to him but he always heard your voice. When you talked with customers, with Soonyoung and Yumi, when you were on the phone with your brother. Your voice was a sound Jihoon didn't know he needed to hear during his entire life.
The passenger door opened and his father went inside, moving a little awkwardly as he tried to get inside without dropping both boxes on the floor.
"She's such a sweet girl, y/n. Why your dumb ass let her go is beyond me" his father sighed.
The older man's words should have made Jihoon surprised, but they didn't. Of course that if his mother knew, his dad would also know about you. He would have been childish and naive for thinking like that. How they found out who you were, was something yet to be discovered but when his parents wanted to know something they dug deep.
"Dad…"
The soul doctor held a hand up to stop his son from talking. His fingers drummed on the side of the boxes he carried. He wasn't a man of many words, he mostly let his wife do all the talking. Both of them agreed that she was better at it than he was. But he felt the need to talk for once. This time around he wanted his son to hear every word he had to say.
"You're holding onto Mina out of friendship, loyalty, guilt, and love to some extent. When you started your relationship, although we didn't show it the proper way, your mother and I were happy for you. Mina is, somewhat, of a nice girl and you've always been good friends" he sighed, thinking of what he should say carefully "Because of our research, you, as well as many others, were led to believe that it is harder, borderline impossible, to find your soulmate after you turn twenty-five but we were wrong. And you and that girl are the living and breathing proof of it. That girl inside the store, smiling at her boyfriend, is the one for you. She is the one who will complete you in a way that you never even knew you needed.
"We don't know how soulmate bonds are created and why they happened in the first place, but they exist. Something, someone, God, whatever it is, put the two of you together. Jihoon, you deserve that happiness. I'm not saying this because you are my son, because I feel the need to protect you. I'm saying this because you are a good person, someone who devotes his life to helping others."
His father sighed again, looking tired probably for the first time in years. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, Jihoon learned that his father was the kind of person to bury himself in his work until it was finally done - something Jihoon had learned to do, as well. Days would go by without his father going home and when he finally did he didn't look half as tired as this.
"I was never Mina's biggest fan, ever since she was a kid. You know that. I never hid it. She knows that if you don't leave her for your soulmate, you'll always stay by her side. Think about it this way, if the roles were reserved do you think that she would stay by your side? Do you believe that if Mina met Chanwoo now, while she is in a relationship with you, she would let him go to be with you?"
"No" Mina simply said, getting out of the car and slamming the door behind her.
For days, Jihoon thought about his father's words. Hours on end were spent, every single moment that he was by Mina's side. He analyzed every little aspect of their lives, from their childhood until now, when both were grown-ups that lived their own lives despite being a couple.
Jihoon had never given it much thought, how weird their relationship was. Even people that were just friends, that stayed by each other's side out of loyalty - much like Jihoon stayed by Mina's - seemed to have more interaction with one another. They hardly saw each other, once every two or three weeks. Texts and phone calls were barely there, and he was always the one to initiate their "meetings". All of it got even more sparse after you were gone from his life.
For a moment, as soon as Jihoon told Mina about you, she made sure that her presence was known. She wanted to come over to his place almost every day, his phone was flooded with her texts and missed calls. It was hard dodging her. It has gotten to the point where Soonyoung would also receive calls at work and the nurses always approached Jihoon saying that his girlfriend had called. She seemed to be desperate, you should call her back, they kept telling him.
But all of it was just gone the moment Jihoon said that you wanted him out of your life. Thinking back now, truly analyzing it, especially after the conversation he had with his dad - who seemed to know a whole lot more about you than he did - the timing was just perfect. As if Mina was adapting her behavior to your presence in his life.
"Mina, we're talking about this" he tried to reason with her, following her out of the car.
It was stupid, he knew that. Mina was never the kind of person who liked to hear what others said. Her opinion was the only one that mattered. She would, sometimes, hear what Jihoon and Soonyoung had to say but only to entertain them. The final decision was hers and nothing they could do would change that.
"There's nothing to talk about. You want to break up, I said no. That's the end of the conversation"
Was it weird that Jihoon didn't know what Mina did for a living? She probably made a lot of money out of it, considering the place she lived and the kind of car she drove. He couldn't even remember what she graduated in. All he did know was that she was indecisive until the very last second.
He didn't know a lot about her, about who she was as an adult. Sure, he remembered this and that from their teenage years but he was certain that a lot had changed since then. Jihoon didn't have to go very far to see that. The reaction Mina was giving him right that second proved all of that.
"I bet she showed up again. Didn't she? That y/n" she said your name with disdain, as if by saying your name she got nauseous "She showed up again, saying this and that. Trying to get you away from me, I'm sure of it"
Jihoon just shook his head. You had nothing to do with his decision. Breaking up with Mina didn't guarantee anything. You had a boyfriend now. And by the brief moment Jihoon saw you and him together was enough for him to know that the two of you had created a strong bond, maybe even stronger than the one he created with you.
He wouldn't blame you if you chose to stay with him. Jihoon had hurt you, more than he could have possibly imagined. His dad told him things about you - your parents, Jun your high school and college boyfriend. Knowing all of that made him feel even worse about how he left things. He didn't know how his dad had found out all of those things about you, his best guess was Soonyoung, but he trusted every single word that left his dad's mouth
"You say that but I don't believe you for a second. Do you suddenly want to break up? If nothing happened, there's no reason for this"
"Nothing has to happen. I'm just tired of this. This isn't even a friendship. We're strangers to each other. So what's the point of this? We saw each other more often when Chanwoo was alive"
Jihoon saw the change in Mina's eyes the second he said Chanwoo's name. Ever since he passed away it was prohibited to say his name, to bring up anything at all that was related to him in some way or another. He lost count of how many times Soonyoung got yelled at for it.
"You don't get to have a happy ending when you took mine from me," she said between her teeth.
Her eyes shone with tears and anger, her cheeks suddenly turning a bright shade of red that started at the base of her neck.
Ultimately that was where it started and ended.
Jihoon remembered it clearly as if it was happening right in front of his eyes. Chanwoo and him went out like they did every once in a while. Mina had to work late, for whatever reason that night. They went to a bar and talked for a bit. The intention was to meet Soonyoung but he couldn't make it because his mom had called him.
Neither of them drank that night. Chanwoo said that since he still had to meet Mina, he didn't want to. She isn't the biggest fan of tipsy me and I’m driving. Chanwoo did everything in his power to make Mina happy, even things that he considered unnecessary or even wrong in some way or another. They were from very different backgrounds but those differences just vanished the second the bond was made.
The second Mina called Chanwoo, they left. Chanwoo insisted on dropping Jihoon off at home. It wasn't far from the bar they were at and he would have to go through his block to get to Mina anyway. Jihoon sat in the passenger seat and put on his seat belt, Chanwoo didn't. While going through an intersection a car came full speed from the right. By the time Chanwoo noticed it was too late to stop the car but he tried to hit the brakes anyway, which was also a mistake. The car hit the passenger side with full force while another one hit them from the back.
Jihoon then woke up at the hospital, his parents and Soonyoung by his side. For days Mina was nowhere to be seen. No matter how many times he asked about Chanwoo, no one told him anything. His mother kept telling him, focus on your recovery, we'll talk about Chanwoo later.
The silence was what he needed to know that the worst had happened.
The first news he got about Chanwoo was delivered by Mina, who went inside his hospital room screaming at the top of her lungs.
"It should have been you! Why do you get to live when Chanwoo is gone? Why is your life worth more than his?"
Soonyoung was quick to pull her out of the room, but not fast enough that Jihoon wouldn't hear it. His parents looked at each other before his mother took a step forward. Jihoon just shook his head. He understood why they hid it from him but that didn't mean that he had to like or be okay with it.
A week later Jihoon was discharged and the first thing he did was look for Mina. He wanted to apologize, though he knew that he had nothing to be sorry about. He wasn't the one driving any of the cars involved in the accident and yet, he felt the need to.
Unlike the last time, Mina seemed to have calmed down. When Jihoon entered the apartment she and Chanwoo were supposed to share, she didn't scream at him. The second she laid eyes on him, she started to cry. The ugly kind of cry, the one that comes from deep inside and takes over one's entire body.
A year later, Mina started to ask Jihoon to go places with her. Lunch, dinner, the mall, a walk in the park, and then suddenly they were dating.
"That's not true. We both know that"
Their relationship, as it was - or how it was supposed to be - started that like that. With both of them searching for solace in each other. It happened naturally. Neither of them had a soulmate, for entirely different reasons, but they found each other standing at the same spot.
Jihoon shouldn't have been so naive, though. He knew that Mina wasn't one to change her mind once she was set on something. He thought that what she said, all those years back in his hospital room, had been anger-driven and not close to the truth.
"Look at you! You're right here, living your life to the fullest, following your dreams, and becoming who you wanted to be all along. And where is he now?" she pushed away her tears, enraged that she cried in front of Jihoon "So yeah, the way I see it the fact that you even exist is your happy ending"
She walked closer to him then, a vicious smile on her lips. Mina's hand reached for Jihoon's face, a sloppy and careless touch.
"How pathetic you are. Thinking all along that I was ever in love with you. No, honey. I was disgusted every time you touched me, being around you made me sick. I was just making sure that at least one tiny bit of your life was miserable. Y/N doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Did you know that she has a boyfriend? And your parents and best friend are disappointed in you. If you leave me, you'll be completely on your own"
Her words were supposed to hurt him but Jihoon didn't feel anything at all. If anything at all, they freed him.
"Poor companies are worse than loneliness"
You dropped your purse on the couch and went straight to the bathroom. Your hands moved without any sort of thought, just reaching for the soap and throwing it inside the bathtub. The hot water would calm you, there was no mistake in that. It worked before, there was no reason as to why it wouldn't work again.
Just a few minutes to yourself, to allow yourself to think about what happened less than an hour before.
It was all set, you were ready to go home.
You were locking everything down, turning the lights off, making sure that the gas was off. The usual routine. Seungcheol had gone to the car, taking with him the day’s leftovers.
For once, you were looking forward to the weekend. You and Seungcheol made plans, a weekend out of the city somewhere only your boyfriend knew about. It was going to be the first time you stayed away from the bakery for more than a few hours at a time.
Though you were worried, you wouldn't lose a night of sleep over it or call every other hour. Yumi knew what she doing, you hired someone to help her while you were gone and you were sure that Soonyoung would show up when he had a chance. Your store was in good hands.
A weekend away with Seungcheol sounded too good to be true. You had been together for almost a year and not once you had done something like that. To be honest, you hadn't had two days off since college. Someone who owns a business, as small as it was, and who did all the baking couldn't afford to spend a weekend away. Though most of your customers were students and office workers, there was still a fair amount of people there at the weekend.
Your life, you felt, was finally falling into place. Everything was going forward exactly as you had planned years before. Chan was doing fine - he and his soulmate seemed to be working things out - the bakery was steadily growing and you could see yourself expanding sooner rather than later. You had someone you loved with all of your heart by your side. Your friends were happy, sort of.
When you first met Soonyoung you were certain that Yumi could be his soulmate. They were so much alike, though at first glance one wouldn't think so. Soonyoung seemed serious, unreachable even. His doctor persona came out before anything else. But the second you got to know him he became someone else, loud and cheerful. Always ready to make those around him laugh. Yumi was much like that, though she was a bit more aggressive in the way she showed love.
There was no mistake, at least to you, that they were a perfect fit. But suddenly Soonyoung showed up, holding someone's hand tightly saying "This is Dan Oh, my soulmate". What you didn't know was that he had known her for a while, a long one, before introducing you to her. Seungcheol knew too but claimed that it wasn't his place to say anything. You were a little hurt, of course. You felt that he was your friend, part of your family even, but he kept a big secret from you.
It didn't matter how hurt you were, or what you felt. For Yumi, it was so much worse, her hurt was far greater than yours. She was sure that if neither she nor Soonyoung met their soulmate, they would get together. She had feelings for him. When he entered the store with Dan Oh you saw your friend wilt. Yumi looked sad, simply putting it. You started to go to her place almost every day, nursing her through her broken heart.
Having the two of them around each other was somewhat weird. Soonyoung, who was completely unaware of Yumi's feelings for him, now seemed to sense that there was something weird going on. Yumi, on the other hand, did her best to pretend that nothing happened, and tried to make Dan Oh feel welcome in your circle of friends. It's not her fault that she is his soulmate, it's mine for thinking that we could be something more.
You didn't try to fight her, just silently stayed by her side and supported her every decision.
This weekend was supposed to be about you. Forty-eight hours worrying about no one except Seungcheol and yourself. For two days you didn't have to worry about Chan or the bakery. Your life was finally yours to enjoy to the fullest. It seemed too good to be true. And then it became just that.
You were turning the last switch off when the bell about the door rang. Turning around you expected to see Seungcheol. When it was time to close he always rushed you, saying that you didn't need to check the locks three times. This time though, it wasn't Seungcheol. You thought that you would see your boyfriend's tall figure but instead, you saw Jihoon's small one.
No matter how badly you tried, your body just refused to obey your wishes. You should have pushed him out, screamed at him, tell him to never show his face in front of you again. But then there was a line between what you should have done and what you did. You just stood there, eyes on his face, and waited – for what exactly you were unsure of at the time.
You were seeing him for the first time in over two years and your heart was stuck. When you looked at him right at that moment it felt as if you were transported back to the very first time you spoke to him, in his apartment. You couldn’t consider the elevator meeting to be something more than it was. Back then you didn’t know so you couldn’t pretend.
When you talked to Jihoon in his apartment, though you were certain of his inevitable rejection, you thought of it as some sort of beginning. As he stood in front of you, in complete distress, you couldn’t help but think that him being there was some sort of ending.
“Mina and I broke up” was all he said.
The heart beating inside your rib cage stopped and you suddenly didn’t know how to pull air inside your lungs again. The words he said in that instant were the ones you longed to hear during the eight months you were around Jihoon. But hearing them now seemed odd, and not at all what you wanted
“I need to know that because?”
He took a step forward, and at the same time, you took one back. You shouldn’t get anywhere near Jihoon, the further apart you stayed from him the best.
“This is coming too late, I know.”
“You’re right, it is too late” you pushed the off switch and walked past him, forcing him out of the store “What makes you think that you can do this? I was ready to do everything with you. If you said the right word I was going to be by your side no matter what. But you played me the entire time, acted as if my feelings didn’t matter in the least. You made me, and everyone else, believe that you were the center of the universe and I mistreat my feelings and myself. What right did you have to do that?”
It would be a lie to say that you never thought about what you would say if you were to ever see Jihoon again. But thoughts of him were very few and far between. They never followed a constant path and that was why you usually stopped as soon as it started. Days when you thought of him were usually bad ones, in which your mind took you to dark places that weren’t cozy at all to be in. It was when you thought of yourself as someone who wasn’t worthy.
“That was never my intention, you know that”
He looked at you in such a way that it almost seemed as if he was lost. Before, whenever you saw him, you felt that Jihoon had his whole life figured out already. For the first time in three years, it felt as if you were on the right track, certain of yourself, while Jihoon looked like he didn’t know what to do next.
“It might as well have been because that was what happened, that was how I felt whenever you did that shit. But want to know what I finally figured out? That stupid mark that was on your wrist and my back doesn't mean anything, it doesn’t have to. I am my own person and I am happy, in a way I have never been. And you’re not part of that happiness, I don’t want you to be”
If you were allowed to say so, you weren't sure why you were acting like that, why you were feeling that certain way. It honestly didn’t make a lot of sense, not even to you, the person who was having those sorts of feelings.
You were inside the bathroom for hours, your body immersed underwater. There were so many thoughts going around in your mind that you couldn't focus on just one but there was one thing that was a constant amidst the craziness: Seungcheol.
He didn’t turn the lights on like he normally would, even though it was uncomfortable for him to be in the dark like that. He was never one to enjoy the darkness, not through his teenage rebellious years and certainly not as a grown man. But on that specific day, it felt like the most appropriate thing to do.
When he said yes to meeting you, he knew that he was setting himself up for a broken heart, probably the worst one he’s ever had. You weren’t Seungcheol’s first relationship, a topic that came up during your conversations more often than not, making him cringe at all the things he had said – it mostly made him regret the fact that he told you about them at all.
Going through those relationships, Seungcheol was always careful not to grow too attached to any of them. With all of his past relationships, the girls had their marks, and every single one of them was fascinated by his markless body. At his young age, Seungcheol liked it. He thought that it made him more interesting and in a way it did. But it also made him aware of where he stood and where he would always be stuck at.
From the day he was born to the day he died, Seungcheol would remain as the kid who didn’t have a mark.
He used to say that he was lucky, that he didn’t mind it at all, and that to some extent it made him happy that he was born without it. Those words were said out loud so many times that Seungcheol himself started to believe them. And then he met you. Someone who didn’t care in the least, who didn’t ask and made it seem as if it were the most important subject. And he liked that.
Being with you, even if it meant doing simple things such as going for ice cream or staying inside and watching a movie together, made him completely forget soulmates and marks. Neither of you ever made it seem like it was more than it was. Or maybe both of you made it seem like it was less than it truly was.
The life both of you led together was so simple, so ordinary, that was it so easy to lose himself in it. So easy to forget that you weren’t meant for each other, that whoever set up the souls didn’t think that the two of you were the perfect fit.
Living in a society that revolved around soulmates made it impossible for him to ignore it, impossible to wonder why he was the one who didn’t have a mark. It was like someone asking why they worked so hard and still got paid so little. So Seungcheol went ahead and got marks of his own, told people that the blue and red moon on his forearm was his mark. Suddenly he was like everyone else. But he knew, even if no one else did, that it was all a lie.
You never cared about it. When Seungcheol told you about his tattoo you looked at him as if you could understand him, as he wasn’t at all weird for doing that. Whenever you could, whenever you had the chance, when you didn’t even notice what you were doing, you would run the tip of your fingers over his tattoo. You looked at it like it held the answers to all the questions you could ask.
But in one night, a second at a time, the world both of you carefully built, the life you dreamed to have together, came crashing down. It reminded him that together you built a glasshouse, a sandcastle that could be taken down by a wave at any given moment.
He didn’t have to ask to know who was that the man that walked inside the bakery at such a late hour. It was so obvious in the way both of you stood still in the dark store, the tension in the air powerful.
Jihoon.
The wave that could destroy your castle had finally arrived.
Seungcheol was many things in his life, but dumb wasn’t one of them. He didn’t have to ask, a single guess was enough. And when you didn’t say anything it only made matters worse. You were on edge the entire car ride back to your apartment, and didn’t say a single word – the opposite of your normal chatty self. The bags were tossed aside and you hurried towards the bathroom.
At first, he waited for you. Both of you were grownups and serious about each other so whatever it was, you had to talk about it - like you always did. After an hour he threw away that resolution and left. Seungcheol knew just how much of a hard time you had when you had to give someone bad news, how long it took you to build up the courage to do so.
So he left quietly, made sure to lock the door on his way out as silently as he could. Seungcheol wished he had somewhere else to go besides home, someone he could talk to. He knew that he could call Soonyoung or Yumi, a random person at a bar would do the trick too. Instead, he went home, the solitude of his bedroom was the only place he truly wanted to be.
He couldn’t sleep though, not for a few short minutes or the hours following it. It’s over, all of it. Was the only thing he thought about. No other words or memories came to mind, just those five.
“I’m sorry” Seungcheol opened his eyes but didn’t dare to move. A delusion of his mind, he was certain that it was all it was. If he moved the smallest inch then it would vanish into thin air. You would vanish “I know you’re not sleeping. You can’t when we fight. It’s not like we fought really but let’s say it’s the same thing for now”
A smile betrayed his lip. It always happened when you became witty with your words, and called him out on his shit. Instead of getting angrier, he found it amusing, enough to make him forget about what he was angry about just a second before.
“You had to think and you like to do that on your own, so I left”
You left your position by the door and walked across the room, easily taking a seat by his side on the bed. It was so easy, you figured, to be with him. Whenever you were around him, close to Seungcheol, you felt like you were at home. Everything one was supposed to feel when they meet their soulmate, you felt with him. The sweaty hands, the butterflies, the heartbeat increase, the happiness, the giddiness. The feeling of finally being home. All of it.
“I was on my own in the bathroom. Why did you leave?”
Reaching forward you ran your hand through the strands of his hair, something that you had taken a liking ever since you met him. The first time you did it was only to push his hair away from his face and then it just became a habit. You knew that sometimes, especially when you first started your relationship, Seungcheol was surprised when you reached for him, but all of it would suddenly become the other way around when he pulled your hand close to his head.
“You know why”
“No, I don’t. Please, do enlighten me”
You knew exactly what Seungcheol was talking about, he didn't have to say the words out loud. But this time around, even if it was something you had talked about many times before, those words had to be said. Just once, it couldn't be something that was in the air.
Actions matter more than words but sometimes words are necessary.
"Jihoon is back. That means you're going to leave"
The hand that was in his hair ran down to his face, your other hand came up to his face as well. Your thumbs going back and forth over his cheekbones. You intended to make him look at you, even if it was too dark to do so. It was an attempt to make him listen to you.
"I'm not"
Seungcheol nodded in your hands, his own hands going to your waist like they always did when you were by his side. For him, it was a way to keep the memory of you for as long as he could.
"You won't be able to stop yourself. That's okay, honestly. It's the sort of life we live"
"Why are you giving up on me so easily? If you think that I was going to stay with you until the day Jihoon showed up saying that he was finally ready, you're wrong. I didn't know you would think so little of me"
He pulled away from you and sat up, leaning to the side slightly to turn the light on. Seungcheol was still wearing the same clothes he had on when he left your house, down to his jeans. His hair was a mess, caused by your hands just as much as his.
"You know that's not it. It's not like you couldn't make it work with him. There's probably a reason the two of you are soulmates. Who am I to stand between you?"
"The one I chose, that's who you are. You're right, we could have probably made it work. Maybe because it was easy, maybe because we thought that we had to. I wish people would stop telling me what I should do, who I should be with. It has been this way my entire life, since the day I was born, because of that stupid mark. I didn't ask to be born with it and I certainly won't let it rule my life. At least, not anymore"
Maybe in a world where soulmates didn't exist, a time when a deity didn't choose who people should be with, a place where people did truly have their free will, you would be angry at him for not trusting you from the start. As he said, in the world you lived in, you could understand where he was coming from.
You took his hand and placed it over your chest, right above your heart.
"This isn't yours because of a stupid mark, because someone said so. It's yours because I want it to be, because little by little you overtook it and made it home. I love you. Not because someone told me to, but because I want to. Don't ever doubt my feelings again, not even for a second. If they change I'll be the first one to tell you. I'll be honest like I have been from day one with you"
You could see it I'm his eyes, the desperation to believe you but he had been left behind way too many times so it was hard.
"I don't know if I ever loved Jihoon, truly," you said honestly "Meeting him, knowing that he was my soulmate brought me to this place where I felt as if I should. So I made myself picture him in my life. There wasn't a switch, I didn't meet him and was suddenly in love. It was more of an obligation, in a way. But being with him hurt me so much because all I got from him was rejection. He rejected me from the start and I always felt so little next to him"
Seungcheol squeezed your waist, his eyes searching for yours with care and adoration. So much love. You smiled, reaching for his neck, while your thumb traced his jawline, his plump lips.
"And with you… I never questioned my actions, never felt as if I was any less. I always felt like I could truly be myself with you, from that first day at the bakery. My heart skipped a beat when you said hi, when you shook my hand, and smiled at me. You might not believe me, but you had me from that moment"
You moved your hand, back to his hair. You needed him to believe you, needed that frown to leave his beautiful face. There was no version of the world in which you didn't want Seungcheol, where you'd leave him for anyone else.
"Since meeting you, Jihoon has been nothing more than an afterthought. My reaction today was a reflection of who I was while around him and I hate that, I hate that I made you feel like this” you scooted closer to him “You're not my soulmate and I'm not yours either. But I am yours. You're the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with, that I want to have a family with. I have this dream where you're sitting in the bakery, a baby in your arms. Our baby. I am never going to leave you. By your side is the life I envisioned for myself, the life I want. And if our souls truly do live many different lives then I will find you in the next one and I will love you again, choose you again"
Seungcheol's lips were on yours barely half a second after you were done talking. His arms went around your waist, pulling you as close as you could be. Your legs on each side of his thighs. His lips were anxious against yours as if still looking for answers. The warmth of his body was everything you need to feel assured. The way he held onto you, so desperately, was how you felt on the inside.
"Don't give up on me, even if I seem like a lame soap opera character"
You smiled against his neck, your arms circling it as you moved back slightly.
"You're not lame, just a little weird for watching it so fervently"
"A weirdo you like"
You brushed the tip of your finger over his nose and his lips.
"A weirdo I love"
hi! thank you so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed it.
summary: you’re a hostess that’s drowning in debt, and jisoo is a man with too many secrets to keep. making a clean break for it isn’t as easy as you’d hoped.
word count: 18.6k words
tags: mafia!shua, strangers to lovers, angst, smut
warnings: shua smokes cigarettes & has tatts...i think that should be a warning LOL, mentions of shady mafia business but nothing detailed, graphic sexual content (minors dni!!)
notes: psa that this is a fic i originally wrote for another fandom, but decided to repurpose for svt! in case you find the narration familiar, it's posted on ao3 as a genshin fic, i just did some tweaks to the story to make it fit shua better hehe ++ i loved writing this so much, but it didn't get as much love as i expected back so i've decided to share this w caratblr as well :')
smut tags: dub con in one of the earlier scenes, protected & unprotected sex, shua & reader are both whipped as fuck
Your current patron groans with contempt at the manager’s announcement. He was a salaryman that’s probably in his thirties, and has been visiting the bar for about two weeks now. It didn’t take long for him to become one of your regular guests.
“Rei, you’ll be here tomorrow, right?” he asks.
“Of course.” You flash him an apologetic smile as you untangle the arm that circles your waist. “I promise we’ll continue where we left off when you get back~”
This is how you normally appeared to your customers – the bubbliest escort in the entire red light district. It’s easy to lull men into a false sense of connection when you act so sweet and lovely; when you smile like the sun is in your eyes even in the middle of the night. In just six months of working in this place, the manager has considerably taken a liking to you, and you intend to keep up that track record just a few weeks more.
Then, you’d be free.
But no matter how much you doll yourself up for the evening; no matter how much money is signed on your paycheck, you can’t help but feel that something’s amiss.
It’s a lingering thought that tickles the back of your head every now and again. Your fellow hostesses once told you that feeling the way you do was all part of the job. So once you start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin – under the gazes of your own lecherous patrons – you pour yourself a drink and throw your head back with a ditzy smile. Despite that steadily growing void in her heart, their beloved Rei will continue to grin and bear it.
“They’re here again.”
You flash the manager a puzzled look once you make it back to the counter. “Who are we talking about?”
She presses her lips into a thin line, gesturing vaguely somewhere behind you. You manage to follow her line of sight discreetly, but when you see a pair of men in rugged suits seated near the entrance, your heart plummets to the pit of your stomach.
“I know you said you’ll deal with them, but they’re starting to unnerve the other girls,” the manager explains quietly. “Is it okay if you take care of this ASAP? I don’t want the bar to get mixed up in something bad.”
Dread sinks its claws into your skin as you mull over a response. The manager has been considerably patient with your dealings involving those loan sharks. But part of you knows that she’s only being this lenient because you were good at your job.
“Yeah, sorry. I’ll go talk to them now,” you mumble.
Each stride you took feels like a step closer to your own grave. It’s always these same, two men keeping tabs on you – both with full sleeves of tattoos and a missing finger or two. It would make sense that the other girls didn’t like them lingering around the property. After all, your first instinct is always to steer clear every time you see them.
“How can I help you?” you ask sweetly the moment you arrive at their table.
The first one glares at you through his tinted sunglasses, taking a drag of his cigarette none-too-discreetly. “Cut the crap. You know what we’re here for.”
He says your real name in a way that sounds like two sheets of styrofoam gnashing in your ears. You look around warily, hoping no one heard him.
“I go by Rei in my workplace, so I’d appreciate it if you addressed me as such,” you speak sternly, refusing to take a seat in their company. “What do you want this time? Didn’t we agree that I’ll be paying for the last installment this month?”
The second man snorts before bringing out an envelope from the lapel of his coat. “You sure about that? You got some nerve actin’ all feisty with the people kind enough to loan ya some cash.”
You accept the envelope with trembling hands – brows cinched as you take out the document inside. But the longer you take to scan its contents, the wider your eyes become.
It’s an approval notice for a loan of five million won, signed under your father’s name.
“W-What is this?” you stammer. “We didn’t submit any more loan requests.”
The first man shrugs – wholly unconcerned with your plight. And as he kills his cigarette on a crystalline ashtray, you feel your entire world crumbling before your eyes.
“Your old man specifically told us,” he began, words sounding more and more like a threat with each syllable. “That you’d take care of it all.”
You don’t know how you end up running barefoot in the streets after that. Your heels have long been ditched in an alley when you realized you can’t exactly get that far in them. And now, you’re mindlessly shouldering your way through the late night crowd – tuning out the people yelling your name in harsh voices. Those men came prepared; they even stationed a couple of their goons around the area. You can only evade them now because the streets were so packed, but you know better than push your luck.
Goddammit, you think to yourself – cringing a little when you step on a wet patch of something underfoot. I was almost free…
“Don’t let that bitch get away!”
Your body seizes up when you hear the loan shark’s voice closer than you anticipated. Fuck. They have you surrounded.
In the midst of your momentary distraction though, you fail to see another person who’s also on the run. The same as you. While you did excellently in evading all the other passers-by, you ended up crashing into him in the middle of the busy street anyways – the impact making you stumble to the ground.
“Shit, sorry!”
You look up with misty eyes – staring at the perpetrator with the intent to glare at him, but his doe-like gaze takes you by surprise. He’s adorned with a neatly-pressed suit, dark hair slicked back to perfection as he holds out a hand for you to take; the one not gripping a heavy-looking suitcase.
“I’m okay…” you mumble, getting back to your feet without accepting his help. “If anything, I should be the one who’s –”
“There she is!”
The two of you bristle at the loan shark’s voice, and you’re rooted to the spot – frozen with fear. You don’t notice the way the stranger you just ran into flickers his gaze between your trembling form and the lackeys coming from every direction. And you’re ignorant of how he manages to put two and two together before seizing your wrist.
“Come with me,” he murmurs, tugging you along before you can protest.
You know you should be skeptical of him. The district you work in is the perfect environment for scheming assholes like the men who are after you to use as a stronghold. For all you know, this person is the same breed. But there’s something in his firm yet gentle grip that tells you he means no harm. Even as he makes you run faster, farther, you feel none of the dread that slowly crept on you the moment those loan sharks cornered you at the bar.
Your lungs are burning by the time you make it out of the busy streets – nothing but the chirp of cicadas ringing in your ears. Mystery man makes you sit on a bench just outside a small temple, and you’re not exactly in the position to refuse.
“Ow…” You wince, glancing down only to see that your toes have cuts all over; blood and grime mixing with the wounds.
“Hmm. Wonder what a pretty thing like you got herself into,” the man sighs, raking a gloved hand through his messy black hair. “You sure you’re going to be okay?”
You don’t respond. You barely have the energy. The silence only deepens as you train your eyes on the ground. Your throat was parched from all that running, and you belatedly realize that you still haven’t eaten.
What’s worse is that the cuts on your feet sting like a bitch. Mystery man heaves a deep sigh, and you clearly hear the sound of leaves crunching beneath his shoes as he walks away. You try not to feel disappointed.
You didn’t expect him to stay and comfort you or anything like that. He was kind enough to go out of his way and take you somewhere those goons won’t be able to catch up. It would be stupid to ask for more. But still, you feel that hole in your heart rupture itself even wider – leaving you so hollow that you can’t even hope to fill the void anymore.
Your makeup is running. Your pedicure is a mess. These are some of the things that you always cared to pay attention to before timing in for work. But now, with nowhere else to go, none of them seem to matter anymore. Even if you spent a significant amount of time getting ready for tonight, you can’t be assed to give a damn.
This is so fucking pathetic.
You don’t want to live like this – working at a goddamn cabaret club just to pay off the debts your father always keeps racking up. All he ever does these days is drink himself dead before dragging his ass to the nearest pachinko machine. You hate it. You hate him. What did you ever do to deserve all the shit that’s being thrown your way?
Why do you have to deal with all of it alone?
“Here.”
You startle at the sound of your savior’s voice – surprised to see him as he tosses something on the ground in front of you. He came back? But what did he…
Are those sandals?
“I picked out a pair that matches your outfit best. Women are always particular about that kind of stuff, right?” he says nonchalantly, kneeling to the ground as he brings out a pack of wipes from a plastic bag. At that moment, you realize that he’s changed out of his stuffy gray suit in exchange for a pair of jeans and a ratty t-shirt.
Even his hair seems different now, like he'd washed out the wax keeping it in place. Now, it looks just a bit damp as the tips curl at the edges. How he managed to do all that so quickly, you have no clue.
“Hold still. I’m going to clean you up.”
You wince a little when the cool, wet tissue comes into contact with your skin. He doesn’t speak as he wipes off the blood and dirt from your feet, and you’re more mortified than grateful for his kind but uncalled for gesture. Is he trying to get you indebted to him? Are you going to have to pay this back, too?
A few moments later, you spot a general store a few blocks away and the pieces start to fit in your head. That must’ve been where he bought all this stuff. You look around as he continues cleaning you up, and notice that his suitcase is nowhere to be found either. Instead, he has a black knapsack hoisted across one shoulder – a red baseball cap hanging from one of the straps.
How did he manage to buy all this and get changed so quickly? Or were you just sulking about your stupid predicament for that long?
“There we go,” he says, tossing the soiled tissues into a nearby trash can before covering your wounds with…cute band-aids? “I’m not really one to stick my nose into other people’s business, but my mom would never let me hear the end of it if she found out I left a poor woman for dead.”
Mom? “Okay, but you didn’t have to do all of…this.”
Mystery man glances up at you with a lopsided smile – the light of the street lamps somehow accentuating the color of his eyes. He looks so much younger like this; dressed down like a college student in his first semester. Once he’s put all the bandages in place, he even goes the extra mile and slides the newly bought sandals on your now-clean feet.
“You’re right, pretty girl. I don’t have to.” He beams. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”
Your breath catches in your throat. Your heart skips a beat. Everything about him is still rightfully suspicious, but you find yourself oddly happy with the care he’s given. This is the first time someone’s been so nice to you in a long while.
“Now that you’re good to go, I best be on my way.”
All of a sudden, that fleeting bliss dissipates in a puff of smoke. “...Wait, what? W-Where are you going?”
The man rises back to his feet, and it occurs to you just how tall he is. You swallow the lump in your throat, instinctively backing away from him on the bench. He’s still wearing that endearing look he showed you earlier, but when he speaks again, his voice holds none of his initial warmth.
“Somewhere that has nothing to do with you.”
The words lance through your heart the moment they leave his lips, and you ask yourself, why do you feel so…sad about parting ways with a complete stranger? You don’t even know his name. It shouldn’t be a big deal, right?
You don’t say anything as he takes his baseball cap and eases it atop his messy hair. You don’t utter a word when he starts walking away for real. But the moment you recall the fate that awaits you back at the red light district, the ridiculous debt your father had foolishly signed, and the pathetic life you’ve been wanting to escape from for so long…
Your new sandals crunch against the fallen leaves as you run after him. Your heart nearly leaps into your throat from the adrenaline, and before he can go any farther, you catch the mystery man by the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t even flinch. As if he expected you to follow him right from the start. That makes you wonder if he thinks you’re being a nuisance, but at this point, you can’t bring yourself to care.
“Take me with you. Please.”
He stares along with an unreadable look – his doe eyes shining in the dark as he watches you clutch onto the fabric of his shirt.
“If you come with me, you’ll never be able to go back,” he tells you up front. “You okay with that?”
In hindsight, maybe running away with a complete stranger isn’t far up in the best decisions you’ve made in life – god knows you’ve only made a few of those. Just because he showed you an ounce of kindness, doesn’t mean he’s a good person.
Still, the answer comes to you quite easily.
“Yeah,” you say, more confident than you’ve ever been. “Anywhere is better than a dump like this…”
He considers your answer for a moment before letting out a soft laugh. “This town must’ve fucked you up pretty badly, huh? Poor thing.” Mystery man holds out his hand again, and you’re a bit too glad that he’s speaking to you nicely again. “The name’s Joshua.”
“Joshua…?”
Well, that was obviously an alias. You consider telling him the one you go by at the bar as well, but when your eyes rivet to the floral sandals he bought for you on a whim, you immediately assume that you should tell him the truth. Even if he was doing the exact opposite.
You give him your real name with little hesitation, face warming at the intensity of his gaze. But at that moment, you don’t really care what happens anymore. All you want is to escape reality without looking back.
If you have to cling to a complete stranger to achieve that, then so be it.
...
“You were just about to ditch me, weren’t you?”
Joshua jolts like a cat dumped with ice-cold water – hand shying away from the doorknob of your hotel room with a sheepish look. “Me? Ditching you? You’re dreaming, princess!”
You let out an irritated noise, but your shoulders relax once you catch him plopping his bag on the mattress either way. He’s the one who told you that you can’t go back once you tagged along. You wanted to say that you’re going to make it his responsibility to take care of you, but your mother brought you up better than that.
Still…this all feels a bit surreal.
All your life, you’ve lived in the small town of Andong. You could never afford to make the trip to Seoul even if you wanted – given that a majority of your salary is dedicated to paying off those shitty loans. Yet now, you’re checked in one of the most beautiful hotels you’ve ever seen, courtesy of your stranger-than-life companion.
Now that you’re in a clearer state of mind, you start to consider the possibility of Joshua being a foreigner; if his name wasn't already a dead giveaway in and of itself.
Another thing you’re left thinking about is how well-off he really is. Not everyone can just book a fancy room at a fancy hotel. But when the two of you showed up at the front desk earlier tonight, he was surprisingly received with warm hospitality. Although, you suppose that all guests are treated the same way in high-end hotels. Not that you would know.
“Well, since we’re stuck together anyways, I’ll be showering first,” he grumbles, tossing his cap on the nightstand as he musses his own hair. “Ahh, I can’t wait to crash into bed.”
“Wait a minute. I thought we agreed I was going to shower first –”
Joshua shuts the door to the en-suite, clicking the lock before you can even finish.
That jerk…!
You angrily sprawl yourself across the mattress as a petty means of getting back at him. Let’s see if he can crash into bed comfortably now! But the abrupt movement makes the bag that Joshua left rustle in place. You shift around until you’re seated on the bed, taking a quick peek at the opened zipper. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise you to see thick wads of cash inside. You knew that you were right on the money to think there’s more to him than meets the eye.
The more rational part of you insists that you get out of here while you still can. That man is probably more dangerous than you think, and even if he’s acting all cheeky with you now, there’s no telling when he’ll decide to cut you off. You remember how quickly Joshua's mirthful countenance morphed into something…scarier when you asked where he was going earlier. Long story short, you do not want to mess with that.
“Hey, princess. It’s your turn.”
You scramble on the bed at the sound of his voice as you compose yourself in a way that doesn’t suggest that you’ve been going through his stuff. Joshua emerges from the bathroom with steam billowing from the doorway – a fluffy towel hanging low on his hips. But now that he was liberated from the confines of his clothes, you realize that his body was actually inked.
Twin koi fish curled around both of his pecs – accentuating the contours of his chest better than you’d expect. And when he turns around, there’s a massive caricature of a dragon splayed across his muscular back. You don’t know whether he’s oblivious of your observant stare or he’s just letting you enjoy the show. But either way, Joshua grants you an eyeful of his tattoos for a good amount of time.
He walks over to the table near the windows – grabbing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter you didn’t know he was carrying around. Joshua takes a stick between his teeth, and you can’t peel your eyes away from the way he takes a drag after he lights it. But when his deep brown gaze finally flickers to yours, you’re not quick enough to disengage.
“So how long are you going to stare at me for?” He asks, amused.
Eye twitching with annoyance, you grab one of the pillows on the bed before throwing it right at his face. Joshua manages to catch it before that happens though, much to your dismay.
“None of your business!”
It’s only when you get under the spill of a hot shower that the gravity of your situation finally hits you. You absentmindedly scrub away the grime off your body as you think that you might’ve followed someone you shouldn’t have. Now that your prior amazement from seeing his tattoos had come and went, you realize that he didn’t have them inked on a whim. They were a symbol of status and power.
Working as a hostess means that you get to know a lot more shady guys than you’d otherwise meet under normal circumstances. But apart from those nasty debt collectors, you’ve done a great job at avoiding a lot of them. But now, you willingly waltzed into the den of someone that’s probably ten times worse.
Great.
You put on a bathrobe before heading out of the en-suite, peaking your head out of the door to make sure Joshua isn’t doing anything weird. But all you see is a tall man dozing softly on the bed – his still-wet hair dampening the pillows slightly. You sigh before padding back inside the room. Didn’t he ever learn that sleeping with damp hair is going to make him catch a cold in the morning?
For some reason, you end up grabbing a small, dry towel he left on the table – intent on patting down some of the moisture. Joshua lays still on his side, undisturbed in his slumber. You make sure you’re careful with how you dab the towel across his head; not really wanting him to wake up in the middle of it. But now that you’re close enough to study his face, you can feel yourself growing embarrassed. Joshua's thick lashes lay softly across the skin beneath his eyes, and when you look closer, you can almost see the tiny spots that dot his cheekbones.
You don’t like to admit, but he’s actually pretty…handsome.
A while later, you come to terms that you won’t be able to pat down his hair thoroughly if he’s asleep. That’s when you decide to towel dry your own hair for ten or-so minutes before climbing into bed with him.
The sheets feel smooth against your skin, but that does little to keep your mind off the fact that a gangster (at least, you assumed he was a gangster) is sleeping right next to you. You tell yourself not to sneak any glances, but you end up doing just that anyway – admiring each detail of his tattoos without really meaning to.
Is this really okay? Should I really let my guard down around someone like him?
All these thoughts drift in and out of your head, but in the end, you succumb to the day’s fatigue. Joshua bought dinner for the both of you once you got off the train on the way here, so your hunger was already abated. But you figure that a good night’s sleep is what your body needs to completely recuperate.
…But if he’s kind enough to patch up your wounds and buy you dinner, then gangster or not, maybe he isn’t such a bad person.
Joshua, however, makes you regret even thinking that literally the next second later.
The moment you’ve found a comfortable spot on the bed, the man beside you suddenly pounces – caging you in his strong arms before you can even draw a breath. His lips twitch into a lazy smile that borders on devilish, and you immediately figure out that you’re fucked.
“You’re a sweet little thing, aren’t you?” he laughs, tracing the swell of your lower lip with his finger. “Drying my hair ‘cause you’re worried about me? Princess, I’d be more careful if I were you. After all…”
When Joshua leans closer, you feel his breath fan against your ear – making you hate the way your body shudders from the feel of it.
“I’m not a good man.”
You should push him away – you know you should. But from the hypnotizing strokes of his tattoos to the endless honey brown of his eyes, you find Joshua whittling down your defenses alarmingly fast. When his mouth descends onto yours, you welcome him despite your voice of reason screaming for you to stop – to get away while you still can.
But that’s the thing, you can’t get away. Not when you willingly followed him in the first place.
His body is impossibly warm against yours, and you can’t help but respond to his touch whenever his dexterous fingers graze your skin. But as you let him deepen his tongue-filled kiss, you suddenly recall why you’re even here.
Persistent loan sharks. A never-ending debt.
And you have the gall to be doing all this?
“Joshua,” you plead, mustering the strength to push against his chest. “Please, stop.”
He doesn’t listen. Instead, Joshua nudges the folds of your bathrobe apart, exposing your chest to the cold air of your hotel room. A large hand moves to grope your breast, languidly massaging the supple flesh. But the sensation of his heated palm on your cold skin is enough to snap you back to your senses, and finally, you manage to retaliate.
“I told you to stop!” you shout, folding your knee high enough to kick him in the chest. Joshua obviously doesn’t expect this, and grunts in pain as he stumbles backwards on the mattress. He stares at you with a puzzled look, as if he didn’t try to take advantage of you only a few seconds prior.
“I didn’t come with you to be your fuckdoll, asshole,” you growled, tears stinging your eyes despite the anger in your voice. “Just because I’m a hostess, doesn’t mean I’m easy. Who the hell do you think you are?”
You expect him to lose his temper – to ‘remind you of your place’. Because that’s how gangsters usually operate. Going for the things they want without considering the repercussions on the other people involved. When he reaches out to you, you brace yourself for the oncoming impact. But instead of a hard slap to the face, Joshua caresses the side of your cheek almost apologetically. You startle at his touch – flashing him a perturbed look.
“Sorry, my mom’s always told me that I can be a bit too into the things I do,” he chuckles, thumb grazing the high of your cheekbone. “And that I can be a bit selfish and presumptive. When I did all those nice things for you today, I expected you’ll return the favor by whatever means~”
You don’t even have the time to think about how this man just brought up his mother in a serious conversation. Instead, you scowl at Joshua like he’s just lost his mind. “Doesn’t that just make you a scumbag?”
“When did I ever say I wasn’t?” He laughs. “Didn’t you find it the least bit suspicious that I was being kind to you without asking for anything in return? I’ll have you know that everyone has ulterior motives these days, princess.”
“I did,” you snap. “And I’m glad I didn’t trust you right off the bat.”
“Oh? But you trust me enough to share this room with me?”
You open your mouth, close it, open it again, but alas, no wise retort comes out. He’s right. You knew that Joshua was suspicious from the start, but you still threw everything to the wind and ran away with him. It’s not like you can go back now that everything has gone to shit, though. And you can’t say with confidence that you can find a place for yourself here in the city with no connections nor cash either.
All you have is Joshua, as much as it pains you to admit.
“Come here.”
Joshua eases himself back to his side of the bed and holds out his arms – as if inviting you into his space. You respond with a bizarre look that makes him snort. “You think I’ll come anywhere near you after that stunt you pulled?”
“Hey, you don’t want to have sex. That’s cool. I’m not so much of a scumbag that I’ll force you to do it,” he tells you nonchalantly. “But can we at least cuddle? It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt the warmth of a woman.”
“...You’re really, really strange. You know that?”
“Mhmm. So I've been told.”
Gods, you’re tired. Downright exhausted. You just want to knock yourself out and forget about the misfortune of having landed someone like Joshua as a companion. You appreciate that he isn’t the type to coerce women into sex, but…ugh! This guy’s impossible to figure out.
…Still, you inch closer to his welcoming touch, biting down a sharp retort when you hear him chuckling softly at your surrender. Joshua wraps his strong arms around your frame, and you close your eyes – catching a whiff of a salty breeze in the air. You wonder if the scent is coming from the sheets or his wild, wild hair.
“This isn’t so bad, now is it?” he teases.
“Shut up and go to sleep.”
“Aww, you’re making an awful lot of demands to the person who saved you! I think I liked you better when you were bashful and on the brink of tears, princess.”
You scoff. “So not only are you a scumbag, but you’re also a sadist.”
“Mmm, I don’t have any objections about that, really.”
God, just what have you gotten yourself into?
...
If you thought your first night as Joshua’s unwitting travel companion was a big hassle, you’re certainly in for the ride for the next few days.
He’s always out during the daytime – feeding you excuses like he has to meet up with a couple of friends before leaving you alone and bored in the hotel room. It’s a good thing that the cable service here covered your favorite noontime soap operas, so you could kill time for at least a few hours. Joshua always returns before dinner, and orders room service while engaging you in small talk. He doesn’t tell you about his daytime escapades, nor do you ask.
But when the daily cycle repeats itself for the third time, you decide to put your foot down.
“Are you trying to get me to die of boredom or something?” you ask him once the bellboy takes away your food trays for the night. “I know you’re doing some super shady stuff somewhere out there, but would it kill you to show me around? First time I’ve ever been to Seoul and I’m confined in a hotel room.”
Joshua stares at you dubiously. “Princess, you’re not some inmate I’m keeping locked up in a cell. I never said you weren’t allowed to go sightseeing or whatever.”
You pause. Right, he never did say that explicitly… But you can’t really tell him you were too afraid to go out wandering on your own.
“Have you been behaving like I kidnapped you or something?” Joshua snorts, walking over to the windows to light a cigarette. Your face scrunches up at that. The room’s going to reek of tobacco smoke now. “How about this: let’s walk around the shopping district tomorrow morning. Besides, the spare clothes provided by the hotel are just going to rack up on the checkout bill. Might as well get you some better outfits instead.”
Looking down at your current attire, you can’t help but think he’s right. You couldn’t exactly bring any of your clothes with you on this very impromptu trip, and you refused when Joshua offered to lend you a bunch of his own. For some reason, a whole duffel bag full of men’s clothes arrived a day after you checked in, and when you asked Joshua about it, he simply said that he prides his men for always delivering the necessities for a trip.
His men. Meaning, this asshole is definitely a big shot kingpin of some sketchy organization and he’s just keeping his mouth shut about it. It’s a good thing that the staff offered to give you some hotel-issued clothes for a certain price, though. Like hell you’re going to prance around in a mafia boss’ clothes.
But…did you hear him right? Did Joshua just offer to take you shopping?
“Don’t you dare think you can buy my trust with material things,” you warn him, bringing your knees closer to your chest on the bed. “I’m still on to you.”
“So scary,” your companion chuckles, tilting his chin up before puffing out a cloud of smoke. He looks like he’s just about to follow that up with another jab to get on your nerves, but something seems to catch his gaze.
Then, you realize that Joshua is staring at your feet.
Before you can blurt out some offhand remark about a foot fetish, though, he asks, “You won’t be needing band-aids anymore, right? I can always run to the drugstore and get you some.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to do that. My feet are fine,” you insist before following it up with a softer, “But I might need a new pedicure, though…”
“What was that?”
“Nothing. What time are we going out again?”
The next morning, Joshua jostles you out of bed at seven A.M. sharp – much to your utter dismay. Judging by how never stays out too late despite his questionable business ventures in the city, it probably makes sense for him to be a morning person. He tells you that the shopping district doesn’t even open until nine, but the bastard insists that the early morning sun is good for your skin!
As he shows you around the main avenue, though, your initial unwillingness to go out so early in the goddamn morning slowly ebbs – having been replaced with pure, unadulterated awe because wow. The big city really is a sight to see. It’s so different from your hometown that you kind of regret not visiting sooner.
Thankfully, there are some places just outside the shopping district that open much earlier. Joshua escorts you to a nearby restaurant – insisting that you can order to your heart’s content. You receive the offer with equal parts bewilderment and concern, but cooping yourself up in that damn hotel room gives you little time to think about courtesy. If he’s willing to pay for your expenses, who are you to refuse?
Breakfast goes the same way all the other meals you shared with Joshua have gone so far. You try to probe his reasons for visiting Seoul as subtle as you can, but he always skirts around the topic with a face as smooth as butter. It’s obvious that he isn’t going to start talking about whatever undercover mission he’s on, so instead, you ask about his family.
“My family?” he repeats.
You nod. “Yeah. You brought up your mom like...twice already. Kinda made me wonder if a lunatic like you is actually a family man.”
“Hey! While you’re not wrong about me being a lunatic, I’ve yet to show you that side of me. That’s a pretty mean assumption.” Joshua pouts, scooping a spoonful of rice into his mouth.
You’re not even going to ask him to elaborate.
“Hmm… But I guess you could say I’m a family man,” he hums right after swallowing his food. “I’m an only child, but I've always wanted a family of my own, you know? Old suburban home, white picket fence, six kids, and a dog –”
“Six?” you echo. “Were you that lonely growing up?”
Joshua snorts. “Where I'm from, it's completely normal to have a ton of kids.”
“Where are you from anyway?”
“The U.S. Los Angeles, specifically.”
Los Angeles… Well, at least he's honest about that. His answer also proves your hunch about him being a foreigner.
“What are you doing so far away from home then?” you ask. “Won’t your parents miss you or something? Don’t you miss them?”
An emotion you can’t quite identify passes over Joshua's face – something grim and untouchable. You’re about to insist that he doesn’t need to answer or anything, but the look disappears faster than it surfaced and he’s back to flashing you a shit-eating grin like usual.
“Hmm, why are you talking about family when we’re out on a date?” he sulks. “You’re so unromantic. How about you teach me how to use chopsticks instead?”
You stare at him, puzzled. “You…don’t know how to use chopsticks? But your Korean is so fluent.”
He rolls his eyes. “Hasty generalization. Just because I can speak the language, doesn't mean I'm good at the other cultural customs, you know.”
Just like that, Joshua expertly makes you forget about all that talk about his family. He distracts you well enough until you finally arrive at the shopping district, and the first thing he does is drag you to a beauty salon.
“Uh, I thought we were buying clothes,” you tell him dryly.
He hums, already signing the clipboard that the lady behind the reception counter hands to him. “Didn’t you say you wanted to get a pedicure first?”
“...I was joking.”
“Well, I’m not.” He grins before pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I’ll come get you in half an hour. That sound good?”
You can’t even let yourself feel the heat rushing to your face because Joshua is already sliding a black credit card onto the counter – the limitless variant that you can only dream of getting for yourself. What on earth is he doing with that bag of cash back in the hotel room when he had one of those the whole time?
“That’s a gorgeous boyfriend you have, miss.” Your beautician sighs as she massages your feet with moisturizer. “I wonder when I’ll get lucky to land a guy that hot.”
You’re compelled to tell her, no. That potential criminal mastermind is most certainly not your boyfriend. But the way this woman’s gentle hands press down on your toes reminds you of the night you met Joshua. How he went out of his way to clean the dirt off your feet without uttering a single word in complaint. How his eyes appeared so disarmingly brown that you can’t forget their color even if you wanted to.
And not to mention that innocent kiss he gave you before making his leave earlier…
Nope. Get it together, you chide yourself. That is the same douchebag that tried to have sex with you the other night. And are you forgetting the fact that he’s hinted at his own criminal activity several times now?!
But in spite of yourself, you respond to your beautician’s words with a gentle smile.
“I’m sure you’ll meet him soon.”
…
“Joshua, this is way too much.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, thank you for spoiling me rotten, but what the fuck? Who buys a hundred thousand won's worth of clothes for a woman he barely knows?”
“Does it matter? Not to brag, but I’ve got lots of cash to burn, princess.”
“...That’s – That’s not the point!”
It’s not even lunch time but you’re already arguing with Joshua over his irresponsible expenses. Like, sure, this all totally works in your favor, but you still have a shred of decency at least! He’s already bought you three expensive dresses, a nice pair of designer jeans, and some chic-looking heels. He got you the last one from the store the moment Joshua noticed your stare lingering too long on the display window.
You used to joke around with your old college friends about getting a sugar daddy in the past but… Is this really the right way to go about it? Why does it feel like you’re doing something illegal?!
“Don’t you like them?” he asks, lower lip swelling into a pout. “We can always pick out something else. Oh, I forgot to make you choose a swimsuit.”
“...What do I need a swimsuit for?”
He spares you another conniving smile, taking something out from inside his jacket before showing it to you.
“Are those…” You gape at him. “Plane tickets?”
Joshua nods like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Yep. We’re going on vacation to Jeju Island. Doesn’t that sound exciting?”
No, it doesn’t! Not in the slightest!! Okay, maybe you’re a bit curious to see what Jeju's famous coastlines have to offer, but… That doesn’t explain why Joshua is so willing to spend unspeakable amounts of money at the drop of a hat. You wonder what’s so damn special about you for him to keep spoiling you like this, but then again, maybe he’s never been frugal to begin with. Unlike yourself – who’s always had to work for every penny just to make ends meet.
The realization dawns on you like a sucker punch to the gut. Sure he’s kind enough (more like, crazy enough) to let you tag along with him, but the fact that the two of you live in completely different worlds only starts to sink in at that moment.
Right now, Joshua is donned with a maroon shirt with the buttons done only up to the middle – giving you a glimpse of those tattoos you’ve never grown tired of looking at. He matched it with a black leather jacket and a nice pair of trousers, looking like a million dollars in every single way. Even if you managed to change into a more stylish fit compared to your hotel clothes, you still feel grossly inferior – not that the two of you were on equal footing in the first place.
This isn’t all that different from that sinking sensation you always felt in the bar – a feeling like you’re somewhere you’re not supposed to be. Somewhere you don’t belong.
Joshua is a goddamn big shot, and you? You’re just a parasite. You don’t deserve all of this finery. You don’t even deserve his company at all.
If he notices how you’ve gone noticeably silent as he leads you to an athletics store, Joshua doesn’t bring it up. He merely holds up all the bags of unnecessary purchases in one hand, and your own hand in the other. You don’t fault the lady at the salon for thinking this guy was your boyfriend. To an outsider, the two of you must’ve looked like a couple in their mid-twenties.
But even if he practically jumped you last time, you know better than to expect more than what he’s already giving you. Besides, you didn’t run away with Joshua just to get together with him…
Right?
“Does this look okay?”
You come out of the dressing room to show Joshua the swimsuit he picked out for you. He glances up from his phone, and you try not to let the mesmerized look on his face get to your head.
“You’re looking real sexy right now, princess,” he admits – pocketing his phone as he walks to the front of your stall. “I knew it. Blue really suits you.”
“Quit saying weird things,” you mumble, shyly draping your arms over your chest. “Do you want me to get it or not?”
“More importantly, do you want to get it?”
“H-Huh?”
All of a sudden, Joshua pushes you back inside the stall – locking the door behind him before you can utter a protest. There’s a serious look on his face that you don’t get to see a lot, but you don’t get to ponder on it much. He’s quick to place both of his large hands on your shoulders, making you face the full-body mirror inside without any delay.
“Do you not like receiving gifts, gorgeous?” he whispers, and you hate how your skin prickles at the new pet name. “You’ve been so against everything I bought for you all day, even though you’re the one who picked them out yourself.”
“Joshua –”
One of his hands starts to descend, brushing across your arm and onto the curve of your waist. His other hand teases the straps of your bikini top, sending involuntary shivers running down your spine. To make things worse, your breath hitches as you meet Joshua’s gaze in the mirror – piercing doe eyes holding you hostage with a single glance.
“Or maybe you don’t like receiving gifts from me,” he considers. “Well, I am a bad guy. If you want me to cut it out, you can tell me up front. I just hate seeing that look on your face.”
“...What look?” you whisper – trying your best to distract yourself from the heat of his touch.
Joshua sighs as he rubs your exposed skin tenderly. “The look you make when you’re sad. You’ve always been making that look ever since we left for the city. Honestly, I’ve even considered sending you back home a couple of times -”
“No,” you cut him off sharply. “D-Don’t send me back. Please. Anywhere but there.”
You don’t even notice that your own hands moved on their own accord – palms placed on top of his much larger ones from where they now rest on your hips. Joshua stares at your reflection with wide eyes before he sighs, burying his face in the hollow of your neck.
This is a dangerous position to be in. He easily covers your body with his own, and you can only do so much to hold back the noises threatening to spill from your lips as Joshua massages your sensitive skin.
“Then why do you keep refusing me?” he murmurs, teeth grazing the column of your throat. “From what I recall, you’re the one who came to me, princess. I thought you’d be more thick-skinned than that. Other women would kill to be in your place, you know.”
“That’s because I don’t get you, Joshua,” you argue, biting your lip when he starts to suck on your skin. “Y-You can be an ass at times, but you still do all these nice things for me anyway. You’re even splurging a shit-ton of money for no good reason. I get that you’re loaded but…why? Why are you being so kind to me?”
He lets out a soft laugh that reverberates sweetly across his chest – you feel the vibrations from where he presses himself behind you, and you have to clench your thighs together to stem your pooling desire. “You’re not used to being treated well by the people around you, huh?”
You scoff – the accusation stinging more than it should. “You think?”
Joshua doesn’t respond immediately – letting himself get a feel of your pliant body for as long as you allowed it first. He tries to familiarize himself with how your skin feels against his fingers; where your erogenous zones are, and the other spots that make you blush like a schoolgirl. It’s a bit selfish of him to delay such an important answer, but Joshua is nothing if he’s not selfish.
“When I was assigned to go to Korea, my…employer gave me an ultimatum – one that involves my family back home,” he tells you quietly. “If I don’t go back to L.A. with substantial results, they’ll be the one to suffer the punishment.”
Suddenly, you could see through the sensual haze that hung between the both of you seconds prior. Shock paints itself raw on your face as you blurt out, “You were blackmailed?” God, no wonder he didn’t want to talk about his family.
“Heh. I’m used to being blackmailed, pretty girl. It’s part of my job,” Joshua speaks nonchalantly. “But…that doesn’t mean I didn’t drag my ass here, nearly overwhelmed with anxiety. I’d kill a man if I was ordered to do it, but if my family’s lives are at stake? Anyone would be terrified.”
You feel your heart sink at the way his expression shifts into something more melancholic. Joshua exchanges his suggestive caresses for a proper embrace. He hugs you from behind, breathing in the scent of cheap shampoo still lingering in your hair.
“What does that have to do with me?” you whisper. “I don’t understand…”
“When you bumped into me at Andong that night, you kind of snapped me out of it,” he chuckles. “I couldn’t think of anything else but my job and my parents, but then you came along. Honestly, I was only supposed to help you get away from the assholes chasing you but…”
“I ran after you…” you continue, feeling more embarrassed than you should.
Oh. You don’t even have the right to feel like shit for being with Joshua because you chose to be here, dammit! Why do you keep forgetting that?
“Exactly.” Joshua hums as he snakes an arm in front of your stomach, pushing your body against his chest. “I’m not always this territorial, you know, but you practically offered yourself up. Do you know what that does to a guy like me?”
You shouldn’t find it so fucking hot when his other hand trails up from your navel, your chest, all the way to your neck – thick fingers pressing down your throat with ample pressure. Your gazes meet in the mirror, and you don’t miss the near-manic glint in his eyes as Joshua holds onto you possessively.
“Now tell me, princess. Do you want the swimsuit or not?”
You can’t help the shuddering sigh that escapes your lips. At this point, you have no choice but to let him buy you the damn thing. You’re pretty sure Joshua’s aggressive display is enough to make you soak through your bottoms, and it’s not like he’s going to take no for an answer either.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper as he eases his hand away from your neck. “I’m just…not used to wearing all of this. It’s like I’m not meant to. I’ve always just settled with clothes that go on sale, you know.”
“...Well, how do you feel about the stuff I give you?”
“Um. They’re all pretty, I guess?”
“Do you wanna wear them?”
“O-Of course.”
Finally, Joshua peels himself away – only to twirl you around to face him directly. His tousled black hair is sticking out every which way, but all you can focus on are his rich brown irises, nearly drowning you in those endless pools of honey.
“Then you better wear them unapologetically,” he tells you, tucking a tuft of your hair behind your ear. “A princess needs only the finest garbs. Why do you think I call you that all the time, huh?”
“To get a rise out of me?”
Joshua barks out a laugh. “I guess I can’t say no to that. But anyways, the point still stands: I’ll give you anything and everything in the world. All you have to do is ask.”
After what seems like an eternity inside that damn dressing room, you manage to kick him out of the stall before putting your clothes back on. You end up replaying everything he just told you like a broken record. Anything and everything? This man is a different kind of delusional.
But you can’t really afford to think about it much. Just as you thought, the evidence of your rather…risqué encounter with Joshua is lathered across the inseam of your bottoms, and you shamefully wipe it off with a napkin you nabbed from the restaurant.
When the two of you head back to the cashier to make your nth purchase of the day, you’re vaguely aware of the other sales persons stealing glances at you and Joshua. Well, if you were in their shoes, you’d certainly find it odd why it took almost thirty minutes for you to try on a damn swimsuit. But fortunately, Joshua's reputation precedes him even at a shopping center all the way in Seoul. None of them dare to speak to him, much more raise any complaints.
“Couldn’t you have waited to sit down and have the talk with me back in our hotel room?” you groan once you make it out of the store. “I’m sure those guys think you fucked me in the stall or something.”
“Would you like that?” Joshua teases, and you’re sure he would’ve pulled you close to him if only his hands weren't full of shopping bags. “Does my princess get off on the idea of being fucked silly in a dressing room?”
“Don’t push it, asshole.”
You meant to punctuate the words with a borderline scowl, but all that makes itself known on your face is a sheepish smile that you can’t quite bite down. Joshua notices this, of course, but instead of making you flustered about it like usual, he offers to flag down a taxi on the way back to the hotel instead of walking.
The last thing he needs is to ruin your new pedicure, after all.
...
A week later, you and Joshua arrive at Jeju Island.
You didn’t even consider the possibility of this place having an airport. All this time, you assumed that sea travel was the way to go for them. But you were surprisingly greeted by the sight of a modern-looking terminal as you and Joshua waited for your luggage. He’s been quiet for the whole ride, and you’d be lying if you said that doesn’t concern you even a little. Joshua not running his mouth just to piss you off means something was up.
But when the two of you finally make it outside, he’s back to his usual self.
“So, do you want to sample Jeju's finest mandarin orchards, or do you want to settle down at the hotel first?” he asks with a chipper smile. “Though you do look like you want to take a nap.”
“I do,” you reply, yawning as you lean against his shoulder. “Can’t we just cuddle today?”
“Oh? You’re offering cuddles for free? Who are you and what did you do my princess?”
“...Cringe.”
“Wha – Did you just say I’m cringe?!”
Your banter is interrupted by a man in a suit clearing his throat. You stare at him with thinly veiled confusion, wondering what he needed.
“Sir Joshua. We’ve been anticipating your arrival.”
…Sir Joshua?
“Oh, Chan. I didn’t think you’d be the one stationed here,” your companion greets the man with a smile – plucking your duffel bag from your grasp before handing it to the newcomer. “Tell the driver to bring us to the hotel first.”
Chan nods swiftly. “Understood, sir.”
That’s how you find yourself in the backseat of a high-end limousine – speeding through the scenic roads of Jeju as you and Joshua bask in the silence. He’s busy talking to someone on the phone, but you can’t bring yourself to eavesdrop on their conversation. It feels wrong to do so.
Instead, you let yourself wonder what he has planned. After he fulfills his mission, what then? Is he going to take you back to L.A.? You’re not so deluded to think that he’ll stay here with you when he has a family waiting for him. But the idea of traveling all the way to his homeland makes you a little queasy. You’ve just gotten used to visiting far-away places in Korea. You think you’re going to need a bit more momentum before packing up to the other side of the world.
…Does he work well in the cold? You barely see him sweat even in the humid air of the summer. Maybe Joshua is the type of person who can easily adapt to the current climate. When that train of curiosity starts to pick up, though, you realize that it’s a little hard to stop.
You want to know more about him. About his habits, his quirks, his family, and his work. He obviously likes you enough to keep showering you with gifts. Of course, you’ve tried asking a few questions about those in the past, and Joshua merely brushed them off with a laugh.
But things are different now. Ever since that…fateful encounter in the dressing room, he’s been more open with you. More up front about the things going on inside his head. If you push the right buttons, then you might be able to understand him a bit better.
Joshua pockets his phone about five minutes later, leaning against you before circling his arms around your waist. “Hmph. Can’t believe I’m still forced to think about work.”
“You can always just switch off your phone,” you suggest jokingly.
He only sighs in response, and you pat his head gingerly as a means of comfort. “By the way, I planned on scheduling a trip for Sunrise Peak, but turns out, it's closed to tourists for the weekend.” Joshua looks up at you, pouting. “Sorry, princess. I can only take you to the beach.”
He was planning a visit to Sunrise Peak? Well, you haven’t seen it with your own eyes yet, but the fact that Joshua is intuitive enough to hazard guesses about what you might and might not like…
You want to familiarize yourself with him, the same way he so effortlessly does with you.
Not giving him any leeway to pull back, you grab his face and mesh your lips on top of his. Joshua doesn’t respond for a few seconds – and you can almost imagine him staring at you with wide, brown eyes. But eventually, he laughs into the kiss before pressing his mouth firmly against yours.
“That’s fine by me,” you murmur.
As long as I’m with you.
...
Your hotel room back at Seoul was one of the best you’ve seen, but the one here on Jeju just set the bar even higher.
Once the two of you have settled down in your suite, you gaze around in awe at the interior. Everything is mostly made out of wood, which further adds to the appeal of it all. Seashell curtains, exotic carpets, hand-made wind chimes – they have it all. Not to mention, this room in particular comes with a private pool just by the balcony, along with a view that overlooks the sea. Joshua teases you about how excited you are – just like a kid on a school trip – but you decide to let his impudence slide.
“Aren’t you going to swim with me?”
You gaze at him sulkily by the edge of the pool, watching as Joshua smokes a cigarette on top of a folding chair. He’s already changed into his swimming trunks – having removed his shirt and other accessories. Yet he still refuses to get in the pool with you. Still, Joshua gets up from his chair with a soft laugh, padding closer as he crouches over the edge.
“You should know about the delicate art of having a smoke while watching your girl have fun,” he tells you, taking a drag as if to prove a point.
Your eye twitches. “You’re the one who picked out my swimsuit, so you better have fun with me!”
Despite all his bravado, you don’t miss the look on Joshua's face when you yank on his leg – the forward momentum easily making him topple into the swimming pool. You let out an unflattering laugh as he flounders in the water for a few seconds before Joshua rises back to the surface with an annoyed look on his face.
“Hey, I don’t remember you being this much of a brat, princess,” he grumbles, picking off the doused cigarette floating in the pool before tossing it back on the concrete.
“That’s my way of telling you to quit,” you say, snickering to yourself. “Seriously, it always smells like cigarettes in our old hotel room. The smoke detector must’ve been busted or something… Joshua?”
While you prattled on about the fact that you disliked a habit that he probably formed years before he even met you, Joshua waded through the water and cornered you by the side of the pool. You gulp, observing how the water glistens across his skin as his tattooed chest stands proud for you to see.
“You know, I noticed a little something over the past few days,” he whispers – mouth twitching into a no-good smile as he reaches a hand to cup your jaw. “You really like staring at my chest, don’t you?”
“Wrong. I like staring at your ink.”
“But it’s still staring, isn’t it?” Joshua breathes out an airy laugh before planting a kiss on your forehead – the same way he did that time at the beauty salon. The patch of skin that’s grazed by his lips burns when he pulls away, and you hate how the sensation spreads across the rest of your face.
“How about we get you inked someday?” he offers.
“Me? Getting a tattoo?” You blink. “Uh, I used to think about getting one when I was still in college, but…?!”
All of a sudden, this bastard places his hands on your waist before hoisting you out of the water like you weigh nothing more than a bag of rice. You scowl at him, thrashing around and splashing water everywhere. But Joshua doesn’t seem to be bothered by all your flailing. He even seems to be observing your lower body like he’s trying to figure out how to chop up each part for later.
“Hmm… I think one on your thigh would suit you,” he says, lowering you onto the edge of the pool. “Navel tattoos are pretty hot, too.”
“But what’s the point if no one can see?” you huff.
“Hey, my tatts are always covered,” Joshua reminds you. “That’s because only a select few are deserving to see them.”
His words ignite a surge of heat inside your chest. If you weren’t blushing before, you certainly are now. “...You think I’m deserving, then?”
Your companion spreads your legs wider, easing himself into the space between as he holds your thighs firmly in his hands. Joshua stares into your eyes with a gaze that’s meant to devour. You’ve always found it odd how much self-control he can actually exercise. Apart from the first night he tried to pounce on you, and that little escapade in the dressing room, he never once tried to make any moves on you again. For someone who talks big about how possessive and territorial he can be, Joshua is being awfully ascetic.
“Of course you are,” he murmurs. “Once we’re done here, I’ll bring you to the best tattoo artist in L.A. He’s the one who did both of my pieces.”
Something about the promise in his words makes your heart leap with delight. He’s…going to bring you to Los Angeles?
“Are you going to let me meet your parents, too?” you half-joke, shying away from his intense gaze.
“Why not?” he asks. “My mom loves independent girls. You’ve only been relying on yourself before you met me, right? That’s pretty awesome.”
You shrink away from the compliment, unused to being praised about that segment of your life. “I’m not sure how she’s going to react about me being a hostess, though.”
Joshua shakes his head. “Believe it or not, you’re one of the few people who can put me in my place, sweet girl. I’m convinced that she automatically takes to someone like that.”
“So you’re a problem child, then?”
“Ehh, can’t say I’m not.”
Just when you thought he’ll finally let his self-restraint snap, you and Joshua end up talking about his life in America by the poolside. He tells you about how his father taught him how to fish in the lake the next county over, how to hunt and survive out in the wilderness. He tells you about his mother, and how he’d do anything just to guarantee her safety; even if it comes at the expense of his own. He willingly divulges all his fond memories of his hometown, but not once does Joshua allude to anything involving his work.
You try not to take it so personally. After all, in spite of the drastic development in your…friendship? Relationship? Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that you’re someone he hasn’t really known all that long.
But as the two of you marvel at the twilight sun sinking on the faraway horizon, it seems that Joshua managed to read your mind.
“Can you believe it’s only been two weeks since we met?” he chuckles, hand inching closer to rest on top of yours.
“Nope,” you sigh. “I feel like I’ve known you far longer than that.”
“Heh. Time really flies when you’re having fun, does it?”
You couldn’t have said it better yourself. Honestly, you can’t even recall the last time you had fun. During the past few months, each day passed by painfully slowly. Despite being adored as Rei the hostess, you never had fun back at the bar; nor did you have fun coming home to your alcoholic of a father.
As you glance over at Joshua – whose face is generously lit up by the soft orange light – you wonder if it’s really okay to turn your back on your life and just live the rest of your days by his side. It’s only been two weeks, but there was never a dull moment with him. But can you even afford to be more selfish than you already are?
“You really have a staring problem, you know that?”
“...Do you have a sixth sense or something?”
“I’m a trained fighter, princess. I’m supposed to know when I’m being watched.”
There it is – his first casual mention of his line of work.
You can’t exactly narrow down the possibilities of what exactly it is that Joshua does for a living. You’re pretty sure that he’s in the same type of business as those loan sharks, but on a much larger scale. What’s more is that he’s trained to fight – as if his purpose lies more on confrontation than diplomatic relations. Him being stationed all the way here in Korea gives you a slight clue that he might be trying to settle the score with someone on behalf of his employer, though you can’t really say for sure.
But…you purposely shove all these thoughts in the back of your head as you lace your fingers around his neck – bringing his forehead against yours. Joshua doesn’t resist your advances. He even gazes at you with the prettiest eyes you’ve ever seen, a hint of fondness shining in his vibrant irises.
Before meeting the man in front of you, you’ve always assumed that love takes time. You can’t call it love if you don’t even know the person that well! This is the very same thing you used to tell patrons who wanted to start a serious relationship with you back at the bar. But Joshua?
You don’t know how, but he managed to fill that void that’s long been tearing your heart to shreds. That seemingly ephemeral emptiness; the hollow space resting deep inside your chest – he filled it all up in the span of two weeks. Whether it be with all those expensive gifts and trinkets, or his worthwhile company alone, you don’t feel empty anymore. You feel so blissfully whole that you’d gladly lose yourself in him if it meant you never had to feel alone ever again.
“Shua, can I ask for something?”
“Heh. This is new. You never ask for anything,” he comments, and you still smell traces of tobacco in his breath. “What is it? Anything my princess wants, I’ll give to her in a heartbeat.”
On any other day, you would’ve chided him for saying something so cheesy – as if you haven’t gotten used to the way he speaks to you. But now, with the early evening breeze blowing all around, and the man who reminded you how it feels to be alive sitting so, so close to you…
“Can you make me yours?” you whisper.
Joshua stares at you, a low laugh rumbling in his bare chest. “You were already mine the moment you asked to come with me. Or are you forgetting that?”
Hot. His hands are hot against your hips – going lower and lower as he teases the ridge of your bottoms. God, you just want him to get it over with. You want him to grab your ass and take you by the poolside right here, right now. But you know, all too well, that Joshua isn’t going to let himself fall into the depths of his own depravity like that. Not until you give him a clearer sign.
“No…” you murmur, hoisting your thigh over his hips until you’re straddling his lap. “I want you –” You press your breasts against his lean chest. “To make me –” Your fingers trail up his neck, tangling them in his wild black hair.
“Yours.”
You expect him to tease you like he always does – with that irritatingly handsome smile of his. But Joshua's eyes grow half-lidded as you press yourself closer to him, and you could’ve sworn his grip on your hips only became tighter.
“You’re playing a dangerous game, pretty girl,” he warns you huskily. “I don’t want you to end up being the sore loser after I’m done with you.”
You chuckle, lips grazing his forehead, his eyelids, his nose. When you reach the spot just over his lips, you let your own hover for just a few seconds longer.
“I know,” you tell him. “I know, and I’m ready to lose.”
If it’s you, I won’t ever mind.
Joshua lets out a strangled noise, like he’s barely holding on to what’s left of his own sanity. You’re slightly elated at the information. That just means he’s about to let himself go. To ravage you like you deserved.
You’re not sure if it’s because of his own urgency or he’s just showing off. But Joshua makes a quick display of strength by picking you up while you’re still on his lap and getting back on his feet at the same time. He wastes no time mending your lips together – carnal and hungry and all sorts of impatient. Your legs immediately circle around his hips, and you bemoan all the days you wasted not getting kissed stupid by him.
But you console yourself with the idea that right now, you have all the time in the world.
...
The floorboards are damp with pool water, and so are the sheets. But you hardly notice it as Joshua strips you of the swimsuit he so carefully picked out for you. He tosses the spandex somewhere on the floor, and you even hear the wet plop as it hits.
You feel like you should be cold – fresh out of the swimming pool and all – but the heat of Joshua’s body steadily permeates into yours, and can’t help but lean closer, closer, as close as you can –
“I love you,” you whisper in-between kisses, feeling the evidence of his own arousal grinding against your own. You think the words don’t have as much weight when you’re doing something so openly intimate, but you don’t care.
He laughs, the sound sending tingles straight to your toes. “You sure you’re not just getting caught up in the moment, princess?”
You still have it in you to flash him a sulky pout, bringing his face right in front of yours as you spare him all the adoration you have in a single look. You desperately want him to know just how much you love him. You want him to carve this moment into memory and think of it even when the two of you are apart.
You want to anchor yourself so deep into Joshua that he can’t forget you even if he tries.
“Do you think I’m lying?” you whisper.
He sighs. “No.”
When he mouths the words I love you back in his own lust-fueled kisses, your heart soars; your body heats up – becoming more and more receptive to his lingering touch. Joshua’s lips never stray too far, even as he lathers the slick that’s collected between your thighs. His long fingers tease your entrance with the intention of seeing you squirm, and you hate how much you love it.
“Been waiting for you to come to me…for so long,” he growls, sliding two fingers inside you with embarrassing ease. “Do you know how hard it is to control myself around you? Especially after that time in the dressing room?”
Huh, so even he still thinks about that day. You giggle at the ferociousness of his words, but the wanton look in his eyes softens when you caress the side of his face.
“Two weeks isn’t a long time, Shua,” you tell him.
“It’s long enough if you’re as pent up as I am.”
As he works his fingers between your thighs, you can’t help but sneak a glance at the hard length straining against his abdomen. It’s been a while, so your mouth practically waters at the thought of Joshua sinking his thick cock inside you – fast and hard and everything you’ve ever dreamed.
But your attention is promptly ripped away when he curls his fingers just right, catching on a patch of spongy flesh that has you writhing underneath him. Joshua smirks at that, uncoiling his thick digits as he continues slowly pumping them inside. Your juices are starting to drip on his hand – a testament to just how badly you want him.
When he makes you come, all you see are the vibrant brown of his eyes – like honey in the spring. Joshua looks at you with so much love and longing at the same time, you nearly sob in his embrace.
Despite the implication that he’s no longer going to be patient, Joshua lets you reel your own consciousness back from the throes of pleasure – kissing your forehead tenderly as he caresses your sides.
“Do you want to go all the way?” he asks, but you already see him stroking his own cock from where he lays beside you. “Remember, I won’t force you into anything you don’t like, princess.”
You shake your head, still lightheaded from your orgasm. But still, the clarity of your desire shines through. “I…want you, Shua. Want you inside me.”
He sighs in a way like he just doesn’t know what to do with you. At your request, Joshua reluctantly peels himself away – earning a mewl in protest from you that he appeases with a kiss.
“Stay put, pretty girl,” he murmurs. “I’ll make you feel good in a minute.”
Joshua climbs out of bed and walks over to the dresser buck naked. But you can’t even bring yourself to tease because he’s got such a shapely ass. Not to mention, you get to see the dragon tattoo on his back again. Even if you’ve developed a fondness for the twin koi fish on his chest, there’s just something about this piece in particular that’s always left an impression on you.
True to his word, Joshua comes back to bed with you as he tears a condom open with his teeth. You have half the mind to tell him that opening it like that isn’t very safe, but when he rolls the rubber on top of his throbbing length, you’re suddenly too bashful to speak up.
He spreads your thighs apart, making himself at home in the space in between. You just know he’s getting a kick out of the way your body trembles as he rubs the head of his cock along your glistening seam.
“Shua,” you whine.
“You want this inside you?” Joshua teases, dipping himself into your entrance only to pull away before you can even feel an ounce of satisfaction. “C’mon, talk to me, princess. You know I like it when you’re being honest about the things you want.”
“Please…”
“Hm? What was that?”
You hate him. You hate him so much that the feeling gradually bleeds into love. And if you aren’t already whipped for this jerk, you don’t know what this obsessive feeling inside you is anymore.
“Please fuck me,” you whimper. “Make me come on your cock.”
Joshua breathes sharply through his nose as he leans forward, grabbing both of your wrists as he pins them above your head with one hand. He uses the other to guide his length to where you want him most, and the moment before he finally, finally breaches your entrance, he whispers:
“What the princess wants, the princess gets.”
He muffles the broken moan that catches in your throat with his own lips – his lean arm going around your waist as he presses his hips flush against yours. You’re dripping enough arousal onto the sheets that Joshua doesn’t even have to take it as slow as he expected. You instinctively clench around the hard length inside you, memorizing the way he stretches out your walls, and Joshua responds in earnest with an impertinent groan.
There’s no room for words anymore. All you know is the sound of skin against skin and your mouth almost never parting from his. Joshua fills you until the void you feared might swallow you whole becomes nothing but a tiny speck in your soul. You wonder if it’s enough to be two separate people, and not just one. His touches, his kisses – they aren’t enough. And even when he pushes himself so impossibly deep, you still find yourself wanting, craving, yearning for more.
You’re insatiable. You love Joshua so much that your heart overflows with it. Maybe you’re simply deluded because he’s the first person who’s treated you like you were important; and not just some forgettable girl he met at a bar. But that doesn’t change the fact that you want him to hold you, and touch you, and love you until you forget everything else but the syllables of his name.
He practically folds you into the bed a few moments later as he mouths his professions of love along the curve of your neck. You lock your legs around his waist to keep him as close as possible – not wanting to be apart for even a millisecond. And Joshua seems to share the same sentiments as he embraces so you’d never leave his grasp.
I need you, you wish to tell him. He’s already giving you so much and more, but you still need him. It’s the kind of hankering that nearly scares you because how can you ever live without him now? But the flames of your own, all-consuming desire quickly recede once he captures your lips in a soft, almost sensual kiss.
“I love you,” Joshua tells you aloud.
You know it should be impossible because your lovers from the past have never even tried to get you to orgasm once they were done with you. But the moment he utters those words, and shifts his hips at such a delicious angle, he promptly pushes you over the edge – making you thrash and shudder underneath his weight as you mutter his name like a string of prayers.
You just hope that the gods are generous enough to let you have him forever.
…
The beaches in Seoul and Andong pale in comparison to Jeju's – you promptly realize this when Joshua brings you out to the shore a few days later.
“I’ve never really enjoyed going to beaches until now,” you admit, laughing a bit as Joshua reaches for your hand and twines his fingers with yours. “I’m surprised you even have the time to come all the way here despite being on the job.”
He shrugs casually, and at the same time you care to admire how he looks in a tropical-printed button up that’s completely undone at the front. “Well, my deadline isn’t all that strict, pretty girl. I’m sure I can afford a quick getaway with you.”
You smile at him sweetly while the both of you stroll along the beachfront. Sometimes, the waves reach out to the shore far enough for the water to reach your toes, and you squeal in delight every time you do. You’d be lying if you say you didn’t expect Joshua to tease, but when you look at him, he merely looks back like you’re the most precious thing in the world.
Like all lovers spending their morning on the beach, the two of you agreed to collect the prettiest seashells you can find. Though it was a bit hard, since there are a couple of signs indicating which ones you’re allowed to bring home, and which ones you should leave alone. Something about maintaining the ecosystem around the shore.
But about half an hour before lunch time, Joshua calls out to you at the edge of the property.
The sundress he made you wear today flutters around your thighs as you make your way to his side. He’s crouched down on the sand as he picks up a peculiar brown shard.
“Wait,” you start, taking a closer look. “Is that a seashell? A broken seashell?”
“Seems like it,” he replies, retrieving the other pieces he can still salvage from the sand. “This doesn’t look like all the others we’ve seen though”
Joshua takes your hand and pressing the fragments into your palm. When you take a look at them, you realize the pieces are the same color as his eyes.
“Do you…” you begin shyly, “want to make matching necklaces out of them? They’re a bit jagged now, but I know a jeweler back in Andong who –”
“Oh? So you do want to go back,” he jokes.
“Fine, never mind then.”
Joshua’s laughter is slightly muted by the oncoming waves. Once your momentary annoyance fades, the two of you sit on the sand with your legs sprawled – letting the water tickle your toes.
“I know I made a pretty bad joke just now, but can I ask you something?” he wonders.
“What is it?”
“It’s about the loan your dad supposedly took without your knowledge.” Joshua starts tracing idle shapes in the sand as he speaks. “You seemed in deep shit the night I met you, and I just wanted to know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
With his money and influence, you’re sure that Joshua could pull a few strings to get those debt collectors to lay off you. But it won’t really matter if you never go back to Andong, right? Still, you tell him about the five million won that your father suddenly loaned. How those loan sharks told you that he said that you’re going to pay for it all – on top of your remaining balance for the month. Just recalling it was already enough to piss you off all over again.
At the end of your story, though, Joshua ends up snorting with amusement.
“Sounds to me like you’re being tricked, princess,” he chuckles. “No one can rack up a debt that high unless you’re a trusted confidant. I’m sure the Korean mafia has limits to how much they’re willing to loan other people at a certain given time. Those loan sharks probably tricked you and forged the document because you were paying out the previous debt properly.”
Your jaw practically drops to the ground. “They tricked me?”
“Seems like it. And now, you have grounds for a lawsuit! Maybe. I’m not sure, but I can help you pay for a lawyer if it all gets down to it.” Joshua shrugs. “Anyway, now that you know that the loan was probably a scam, why don’t you go back and talk to your old man? Isn’t he the only family you have?”
Your dad… Well, now you feel a bit bad for judging him so harshly. It doesn’t change the fact that he’s an alcoholic and a gambler, but you do see him trying to be better from time to time.
“Yeah. My mom died when I was in high school, and it’s just been us ever since.” You tell him all this without meeting his eyes, unsure of how to react if he gazes at you with pity. But Joshua doesn’t offer his condolences, nor does he try to cheer you up. Instead, he suggests something that you probably should do.
“You should go back to your father,” he whispers. “I’m sure he’s worried sick.”
The waves wash upon the shore again, and this time, you actually turn around to look at him. Is he serious? Is this the same, so-called territorial man you met two weeks ago? If any of the things he’s told you were true, that’s the last thing you expected for Joshua to say to your face.
“If your father isn’t behind that loan fiasco, then you should at least let him know you’re okay, princess,” he tells you sincerely, rubbing your hand with comforting circles. “You’re the last family he has left, and I’m sure you know what loss does to a person.”
You sit there in the silence, letting Joshua’s words simmer inside your mind. You suppose that he’s right about everything. Those assumptions you made about your father are unfair, and you shouldn’t just abandon him now that Joshua helped clear up the misunderstanding. You know all these things, and you recognize them as what’s truthful and right.
But…why does Joshua sound like he’s saying goodbye?
“Okay, I’ll do that,” you say, forcing your voice not to tremble. “But once you finish your mission, promise that you’ll take me to L.A.?”
He stares at you with equal parts surprise and disbelief – his handsome face twisting with a grin so lovely, you wonder why he never smiled at you like this before. Joshua shakes his head before rising back to his feet, hoisting you up by your waist as he spins you around.
You shriek in bewilderment, telling him to put you back down. He doesn’t relent right away, but once Joshua finally heeds your desperate request he sets you down on the sand – placing a chaste kiss on your forehead.
“Alright, princess. What do you want to do there?”
You puff out your cheeks, not liking how it sounds as if he’s teasing you. Nonetheless, you give him the straightest answer you can manage.
“I want to meet your family. Your parents. Your friends. Everyone,” you tell him. “I want to go fishing because you love it so much, and it helps you meditate.”
Joshua hums. “America is leagues different from Korea, though. You sure about that?”
“Hmph. You’ll make a nice tour guide, won't you?”
“Heh.” He moves closer to wrap his arms around your frame, embracing you so firmly that you can’t help but melt into his touch. “Of course I will, pretty girl. But what do you want to do after we do all that?”
You flash him a puzzled look. “What?”
“Since we’re planning so far ahead, we might as well plan until the end, right?” He chuckles, one hand going to the side of your face as he touches you tenderly. “What else does my demanding princess wish for?”
For a moment, you consider his question seriously. What happens after? Well…
“I want to travel,” you say. “I took up an international relations course when I was in college ‘cause I always wanted to see the world.”
Joshua nods. “And?”
You gulp – unsure if what you’re about to say is a bit selfish or not. “Well, getting to see some places around Korea with you was the best time of my life. And I’m sure it’ll be just as fun if we see the world together.”
It sounds like such a juvenile dream, now that you think about it. But sometimes, even the most childish desires can lead to the most unforgettable experiences. You only decided to tag along with Joshua on a whim, and it turned out to be one of the best choices you’ve ever made.
You just hope he feels the same way, too.
He nods again, a pesky smile rooting itself on his face. When Joshua kisses the hand that isn’t clutching shards of broken brown seashells, you can’t help but blush.
“What the princess wants, the princess gets.”
It’s already high noon by the time the two of you conclude your seashell hunting session, and Joshua is already complaining about breakfast not being heavy enough. You let your gaze linger around the beautiful beachfront just a bit longer, wondering if you can visit this place again with him in the future.
“Joshua?”
He pauses mid-way in his rant, gazing at you with curious, brown eyes. “Yeah?”
You crack him a warm smile. “Can you tell me your real name?”
The ocean’s waves reach your ears again in the silence, as Joshua stands in front of you like you’d just unraveled all the secrets of the universe. You don’t miss the way his emotions seemingly conflict in his eyes, but in the end, he spares you the truth anyway.
“Jisoo.”
“Do you love me, Jisoo?”
He crosses the distance between you before you can even breathe, kissing you so deeply that you’re a little concerned that some of the hotel staff might be watching and judging you on the sidelines. But you know better than to give a damn about what others think when you’re with Joshua – no, Jisoo.
When he pulls away, you can almost see the ocean glimmering in your lover’s eyes.
“More than anything in the world.”
...
Despite that romantic morning, you can’t help but feel like something bad’s about to happen. Your mother used to tell you that you should always trust your gut. And right now, your gut is telling you that everything that’s making you unbelievably happy right now is going to disappear right before your eyes.
The anxiousness that comes with all that foreboding does little to help you keep up appearances, too. During dinner, Joshua – because he asked you to keep calling him that in public for your own safety – was telling you about the time he almost got run over as a kid, and you completely spaced out in the middle of it.
Of course, your sharp-eyed lover is keen enough to notice just how distracted you were. You attempted to make excuses for your lack of focus, but one thing led to another, and you ended up spilling wine all over your new sundress.
And now here you are, sulking in your bedroom as Joshua makes the arrangements to have your dress dry-cleaned on the intercom before you have to leave.
“Is something wrong?”
His voice comes out so softly, you nearly miss it. He sits with you at the edge of the bed, reaching out to clasp your hand in his much larger ones. The gesture is comforting, but your unease doesn’t fade away.
Should you tell him about this weird gut feeling? But you don’t want him to worry about you when this is probably just something trivial. Yet, you’ve always been weak to your own emotions. Before you can even cook up another half-baked excuse, the tears have already started streaming down your face.
“Everything’s going so well,” you sniffle, turning to him with misty eyes. “Y-You’re right in front of me but… Why do I feel like you’re already slipping away?”
Joshua's face doesn’t betray any sort of emotion. His honeyed eyes merely flicker down to where your hands are intertwined, and you don’t know if you should take that as a good sign or not.
“I’ll always be with you, you know,” he whispers, letting one of his hands trail up to the new necklace sitting on your throat before the other moves to wipe away your tears. “Always.”
A traveling jeweler offered to fashion a necklace out of the seashell fragments you found once you got back from the beachfront. And while this isn’t the work of your acquaintance from Andong, they managed to carve out the shell to resemble a heart. They even charged you for the labor only, and gave the chain for free. At first, you wanted to refuse, but these pesky feelings were already bothering you at the beach.
Is it so bad for you to want a tangible representation of Joshua’s promises?
The fact that he wears a similar necklace eases your troubles a bit. It makes you think that maybe it’s really all just in your head. Though you know better than to think you’re out of the woods.
That night, he undresses you with unspoken apologies imbued in each kiss. You wonder if he’s sorry for unintentionally making you feel this way or something else. You don’t know. You don’t care. Because when you’re on the verge of collapsing from all these unpleasant feelings, it’s Joshua who holds you together before you can shatter into a thousand pieces at his feet.
That’s right… Joshua – rather, Jisoo always fills you to the brim. He fills you with so much love that you can almost forget what it feels to be void; what it feels to be empty.
But in the midst of it, he pulls away with a regretful sigh. “We already used up the condoms I have, princess. This is as far as we can go.”
“It’s – It’s alright.”
He snaps his head in your direction, beautiful brown eyes rigid with shock. But you don’t give him any leeway to feel guilt nor hesitation. When you pull him down with you to the bed, he doesn’t strain against your touch.
Jisoo is the reason why the life you thought was so dull suddenly has more color to it now. He taught you to have a little more hope for the future. To reevaluate the past for what it actually is. And most of all, he’s the one who taught you how to treasure yourself as you are in the present.
If this is the last night you’ll ever share with him, then you’re going to make the most out of it.
...
“So we hop on a plane to Incheon, a train to Andong, and talk to my dad.” You list down the day’s itinerary before glancing at Joshua for confirmation. “Sounds like a plan, right?”
“I dunno, princess. Meeting the parents always makes me nervous,” he chuckles.
“...So you have met the parents of other girls.”
“Hey, that was only one time!”
You and Joshua managed to head over to the airport fairly quickly the next day – with a lot of time to kill before your plane actually leaves the island. The two of you decide to hang out in the waiting lounge, but this reminds you to not be too early for your flights next time. Apart from those weird negative feelings you had last night, boredom is your greatest enemy.
About thirty minutes before boarding time, you carelessly let slip that you’re craving some coffee right now. Joshua is quick to get on his feet and get you one from a nearby vending machine, of course. But just when he’s about to take a seat right beside you, he blurts out:
“I’m really glad I met you, princess.” He smiles, handing you your drink. “Even if you’re growing more and more bratty as the days go by.”
“You’re the one who made me like this, so deal with it.” You huff, before following it up with a much nicer: “But…I’m glad I met you, too, Jisoo.”
You half-expect him to clamp a hand around your mouth for calling him by his real name, but Joshua simply lets his head rest against your shoulder, holding your hand as tenderly as he always does.
“Hey, I’m just going to go out for a real quick smoke.”
Joshua informs you of his unnecessary need for a cancer stick just when you’ve settled into your seat on the plane. You scowl at him as he places that knapsack full of cash into your arms.
“We’re about to take off, you idiot!” you whisper. “Can’t that wait until we land in Seoul?”
“Nope.” He beams at you. “I won’t be long, don’t worry~”
And then he’s off.
“Goddamn chainsmokers,” you mutter, angrily plopping the damn backpack to the vacant seat right next to you.
As you watch the scenery in the airport unfold from the window to your left, you catch sight of your own reflection despite the bright light outside. Your hands trail up to the modified seashell around your neck, twirling it fondly between your fingers. This is the first solid proof of the time you spent with Joshua. You’re sure that he’s going to spoil you with even more gifts when you get to L.A., but this one is probably going to be your favorite for a long, long time.
After all, this seashell is the same color as his eyes.
Suddenly, you hear a clicking sound coming from above, and when you glance around, you see that the seatbelt sign is lit up. A soft voice flits through the speakers, informing all passengers that the aircraft is ready for takeoff. Frowning deeply, you call the attention of a nearby attendant.
“Excuse me, my boyfriend isn’t here yet.”
She stares at you, puzzled. “I’m sorry, miss. But we confirmed that all paid passengers are already in their seats.”
At that second, your world crumbles. The void begins to rip itself back into your heart. The attendant asks if there’s anything wrong, but you dismiss her with a shake of your head.
Why do I feel like you’re slipping away from my fingers?
As you sit all alone in that plane, you realize that your mother was right all along.
You should’ve trusted your goddamn gut.
...
Joshua smokes through half his pack of cigarettes when he makes it outside the airport – lingering by the parking lot as he watches each plane soar into the sky. He has no idea which one you’re on, or if you’re even still here on Jeju Island. But with each painful drag he forces into his lungs, he finds himself praying.
Praying that you’ll forgive him for what he just did. Praying that you’ll be able to find happiness even without him.
His phone rings before his guilt gets the better of his emotions. The name S.Coups flashes on the encrypted caller ID.
“Took you long enough to pick up,” the informant sighs. “For someone who’s in dire need of intelligence, you’re acting awfully lax, Shua. Let’s see… You’re looking for Jeonghan. Is that right?”
He kills his last cigarette under his heel – all those feelings you effortlessly stirred up inside him dying along with the waning flame.
“Bullseye,” he replies, voice tinged with his usual mirth despite feeling like he’s just lost everything good in his life. “You got anything for me?”
Yeah, that’s right.
You don’t need someone like him to be happy.
…
The hotel room you booked for the night is small and quiet.
When you shut the door behind you, the sound rings in your ears – loud enough to emphasize that you’re all alone. You decide not to pay it any mind before dragging the rest of your luggage further inside.
When you arrived at Incheon Airport a few hours earlier, you couldn’t even muster up the tears. All you felt was that familiar emptiness that never seemed to leave you alone until Joshua came into your life. A dreadful void that was twice as massive now that you got a taste of how it feels like to be whole.
Once you’ve claimed your baggage, you wasted no time ushering yourself out of the terminal. You’ve long decided to stay in Incheon for a while, given that you couldn’t exactly meet your father in such a state. But before making your way to the nearest hotel you could find, you made it a point to stop by a convenience store to buy a lighter and pack of cigarettes.
For someone who’s more loaded than you could ever hope to be, Joshua liked smoking cheap brands. He told you it’s because those things could easily be bought anywhere. But his reasons for the odd preference were the last thing on your mind as you light up the first stick – taking a long drag that ends up making you cough out smoke and brings tears in your eyes.
You fucking hate cigarettes. This is going to be one of the cold hard truths in your life. You hated them when you still worked as a hostess, and you hated them every time Joshua had the gall to smoke one in front of you.
…But this is the only piece of him that you have left to cling to. You like to think that each stick can help fill the void, even if it’s just smoke and ashes and false hopes. You always wondered why Joshua couldn’t bring himself to forego the habit. But maybe – just maybe – there’s also a void inside him. One that can’t easily be filled, the same one you’ve always struggled with.
Before that train of thought can fester any longer, you kill it along with the fifth cancer stick you’ve had for the day. The ashtray is full of cigarettes you could barely smoke past the filter, but you’re not about to give a shit.
In the solitude of your room, you wonder if you can ever forget those sunsets in Jeju. How your toes sank into the sand. How the salty ocean breeze tossed your hair around. If you close your eyes, you can still feel it on your skin.
But most of all, you ask yourself – can you ever forget Jisoo?
His eyes. His hair. His stupid tattoos. You abhorred how he always smelled like cigarettes, yet you’ve locked yourself up in some fancy hotel room to smoke a few just because you’re left with a ridiculous amount of laundered cash. Along with the bags full of those pretentious gifts he gave you, you selfishly kept the money because you deserve the goddamn means to take a real break from it all.
You don’t pay attention to the rest of your luggage – eyes solely focused on the knapsack lying idly on the mattress. Against your better judgment, you force yourself back to your feet, padding towards the bed as you open the zipper.
Cash, cash, another wad of cash. You scoop every single piece out of the bag for no real reason. Is this solving any of your problems? No. Does it help you vent out your feelings? Yes.
Stupid Jisoo, and his stupid fucking promises. Well, he never explicitly promised you anything, but still! What kind of evil maniac lets a hapless maiden fall in love with them, only to leave them hanging? Not all unfortunate ladies who’ve been pathetically led on by a handsome man were left with hundreds of thousands of won as some sort of compensation, sure. But that didn’t change the fact that you were fucking grieving.
You wanted to shout. To break something. To curse Jisoo Whatever-his-last-name-is so he can never find another woman like you. But once you reach the bottom of the knapsack, your anger is quick to go up in smoke.
There’s a red baseball cap inside – the same one Jisoo was wearing the night you met him.
You didn’t cry when you realized the love of your life had left you without saying goodbye. You didn’t cry as you carried your luggage alone in the airport. You didn’t cry either when you marched into this lonely, lonely hotel room.
But somehow, seeing that bright red cap made everything crash over you like a tidal wave.
“I thought you loved me more than anything in the world,” you murmur to yourself, holding that silly hat to your chest like a goddamn lifeline.
“Was that a hoax all along...Jisoo?”
...
The small village near Silverwood Lake is remote yet accessible at the same time. It’s the heart of tourism in the lesser known counties in California, so it comes as no surprise to see a dozen people bustling in and out of the borders.
In that same town, a young boy with big brown eyes wanders around the market – dark tufts peeking from beneath a tattered baseball cap. Though he seems like any other local his age, he doesn't actually know the language. His English is still a bit lacking, but he swears half of the time that his mother teaches him bits and pieces when she has time.
Right now, she’s somewhere by the lakeside, talking with an important political figure in the town as his entourage shows her around the area. The boy wasn’t a fan of all those pleasantries, so he asked her if he could look around in the market instead. Like all mothers, her initial reaction was to tell him no, but eventually, the puppy eyes he’s practiced on her for years made good on their purpose.
Fine. Just don’t wander too far, Shuji. Promise?
As much as he dislikes breaking promises with his mother – he knows how sensitive she is about those, despite her age – the young boy figures that what she doesn’t know won’t kill her. He’s fifteen now. Even if he’s in a foreign country, he’s smart enough not to get lost in unfamiliar places.
So, when he finds nothing interesting in the market, the boy follows a merchant’s route that bypasses a huge forest. This is the road that he and his mother took on the way to the town, so he’s slightly familiar with the terrain. But still, the perspectives are warped when one traverses it on foot.
He follows the route just like he initially planned – admiring the looming pine trees rising everywhere he looked. His mother has taken him to all sorts of places because of her job, but America might make it to the top of his list at this rate. Though, his eyes are quick to spot a fork in the road – one barely visible unless you know what you’re looking for.
The boy glances around, but no one else is in sight.
Ravens caw overhead as he traverses the stray path. Dead leaves and crunch underfoot as the trees seem to grow thicker around him. Anyone else would feel terrified of being in such a place, but the boy has always had a knack for braving the unknown.
His courage is rewarded once he arrives at the end of the road, revealing a magnificent lake that he could never hope to see if he’d stuck to the main route. This one's different from Silverwood Lake. It's much smaller, and less polluted by civilization.
He stares at the scenery with wide eyes, taking out his phone from the pocket of his jacket before snapping a few pictures to show his mother for later.
“Hey, kid. What are you doing here?”
The boy startles at the sound of another voice, and he realizes that there’s another person sharing this view with him. A man, much older than he is, sits on a foldable chair by the edge of the lake – fishing rod in hand as he tosses the reel into the water.
“Just…looking around.” He only replies with broken English because he doesn’t think the stranger is someone sketchy. The boy even notices the sturdy looking crutch propped against his seat. “What are you doing?”
For a moment, the man simply looks at him before surprising the boy with very fluent Korean.
“Fishing. What else do you think it looks like, kid?” the man says a-matter-of-factly as he rakes his fingers through his dark yet graying hair.
He gulps before switching to his mother tongue. “There’s fish underneath?”
“Of course there's fish underneath.” The fisherman rolls his eyes. “You’re not from around here, are you? You lost?”
The boy shakes his head. “I told you, I was just looking around.”
“Okay. Tell your parents to come get you then,” the man tells him – growing slightly annoyed at his peaceful fishing session having been interrupted.
“My mother’s busy. My father’s a scumbag who left her alone.” The young boy shrugs. “I’m pretty much free to do whatever I want, mister.”
A few moments pass by in silence, and he wonders if he said something strange. But either way, the man’s irritation morphs into amusement. “Shitty dad, huh?” he chuckles. “That’s right. Don’t ever forgive the people who’d hurt your mom. What’s your name, kid?”
The stranger jolts his fishing rod before the boy can give an answer, hauling a fish out of the water right before his eyes before dumping his latest catch in a wicker basket.
“Jisoo,” the boy tells him. “But my mom calls me Shuji”
To his surprise, the man simply nods. “Cool name.”
“Aren’t you going to say it’s weird or something?”
“Now you’re just asking too many questions.”
“My mom said it’s common courtesy to exchange names on the first meeting,” the boy huffs. “So are you going to tell me or not?”
The man sighs. “You’re really demanding for a kid. Kinda reminds me of someone I used to know.”
“...I’m leaving.”
“Ah! Wait a sec, lemme just pack up and I’ll head back to the harbor with you. If you wander around, you might just get mauled by the wolves,” the man tuts, already putting away his reel before folding his chair back up. That’s when the boy notices a glint of brown attached to a cord around his neck. He squints.
Has he seen that necklace before?
But there isn’t exactly much room to ponder about that. The man is struggling to tidy up on both feet – clearly unfit to protect anyone from woodland predators. The boy wonders if he’s injured himself so badly before that the aftermath still lingers. But still, he finds it a bit awkward to just stand around, so he walks over to him with a defeated sigh, offering to carry the fish basket and chair in his stead.
“What happened to your leg?” he wonders.
The man brushes the hair out of his face, looking forward as he leans on his crutch. “Got fucked up by a bunch of…gangsters a few years back. Haven’t been the same since.”
“...My mom knows a lot of doctors all over the world,” the boy says. “I’m sure she can find someone who can help you walk normally again.”
“Hm? Aren’t you being too generous to someone you just met, kid?”
He frowns. “I was taught by mom to treat everyone with basic decency.”
“Heh. You really love your mom, don’t you? Does she travel a lot?”
“For work, yeah. She’s a diplomat.”
The boy wonders if this is really okay. His mother might just be mortified at the thought of her only son talking to a stranger like they’ve known each other for years. But there’s just something about this man that he can’t quite pin down. Something that makes it easy to talk to him, even if they only met literally ten minutes earlier.
Well, his mother was looking for fresh catches to have for dinner anyways. Maybe she’ll let his penchant for making friends in unlikely places slide once he introduces her to this strange fisherman with fucked up legs.
⟢ end notes: if you made it this far, congrats UEYRUEF I KNOWWWW i have a shit ton of wips waiting in line, but i've been contemplating abt repurposing this fic for joshua for SOOOOO LONG. after hearing some advice from a few friends, i decided to just go for it and viola! 18k words shua angst was born out of nowhere. i felt so EMPTY the first time i finished writing it, so i hope you feel the same way too :3c
READER WHO CRIES WHEN THEY'RE NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY like katsuki chuckling at reader getting annoyed/upset at something he did and they cryyy 🥺
This is my first ask! omg, so exciting. I'll try my best.
Bakugou Katsuki laughing at you.
You've had an awful day. In fact, you've been having a lot of awful days lately. You just got a job after years of working your ass off at uni. You were so excited. It's your first job! Your first step into the real world! Yeah, you really set yourself up for disappointment.
Since you were new, no one cared for what you had to say. They would dismiss you or act like you didn't exist. Who cares about your opinion on the project? Who would give a shit about your ideas for improvement? Just go get us some coffee, newbie.
You were heartbroken to say the least. It's been about a month of this and you were running out of optimism. You kept looking for silver linings when they finally turned gray.
As you enter the apartment you share with your boyfriend, you sigh. Taking off your shoes and sitting at the coffee table. You open your laptop and look at the new design for the building that your team was trying to get approved.
Despite the shit you go through, you can't help but love your job. You've always had a passion for architecture and design. You could envision it in your eyes and the endless ideas float in your mind.
"Hey, brat, you seem busy." you don't even notice Katsuki enter the apartment. He stands there in casual clothes with hair slightly wet. He probably showered at the agency.
"Hi, Kats. It's just stuff for work." You try to say nonchalantly but the stress of work was weighing down on you. You haven't told Katsuki any of this because he was so proud of you for getting the job! You can't disappoint him!
"Yeah? Are you okay? You seem down." you sigh and muster up a smile.
"Of course I am, honey." You could see that he definitely does not believe it. He can read you too well. You look at him with pleading eyes and he takes the hint. Dropping the subject.
He sits by you and looks at your laptop, "What's that?"
You know what he's trying to do and you appreciate it. He knows how much you love to talk about what you do, it never fails to put a smile on your face.
"Oh! Let me tell you all about it!" You start talking about the project and there's a sparkle in your eyes as you recount all the ideas you have.
Suddenly, you hear it. Laughing. Katsuki's laughing. Directed at you.
Your heart breaks and you stop talking. Afraid your voice will crack if you do. You're frozen in your spot as your heart races and the world starts to cave in. You have a flashback to your coworkers. All of them laughing at you trying to give your ideas and present your work.
Tears well up in your eyes and your lip quivers. You can't even bother looking at him. Nobody takes you seriously. Not even him.
Were your ideas really that shitty? Shitty enough that even your boyfriend finds it laughable?
You close your laptop and abruptly stand up. You run to the bathroom still clutching your laptop to your chest. You lock it and crouch down to sob some more.
"Y/N! Baby, what's going on? What's the matter?" You hear Katsuki's shaky voice. He's panicking. You know he is. But you sob even more.
Katsuki follows you. Now there's only a door separating you.
"Baby, please, tell me what's going on. Are you hurt?" he starts asking a lot of questions. Questions that you don't have it in you to answer yet.
"Damn it, Y/n! Open the door! Please!" despite your on-going breakdown, you still appreciate Katsuki's patience. You know what he really wants to do is to blast the door away. He's had a lot of growth since you two started dating. Both of you have. You try to calm down as you recall that one of the things that made your relationship as strong as it is today is the promise of communication.
"J-just. Give me.. please, uh give me some time?" you stutter out in between sobs. Meanwhile, Katsuki sighs. There still panic in his eyes and deep worry etched on his face but at least you responded.
"Okay, I'm right out here." he sat down leaning his back against the door. He thinks about what could possible have happened.
After almost a half hour, you emerge. Katsuki is quick to stand and look at you, scanning if there are any physical injuries. He's just about to ask you again if you're okay but he's frozen. His heart aches at the redness of your puffy eyes and tear streaks down your face.
You both stand in silence. Him due to concern meanwhile you due to shame. Shame of your sudden outburst. Shame of your ideas. Shame of your shitty job. and finally, shame that even your boyfriend doesn't seem to think you're capable.
He's a hero for fuck's sake, he saves people for a living. You can't even do your office job right and here you are throwing a tantrum.
You can't help the shakiness of your voice as you finally break the deafening silence. "Do you- do.." you take a moment to try to compose yourself. "Are my ideas really that pathetic?". You look at him as tears reappear in your eyes.
Katsuki looks at you confused, he tilts his head and his eyebrows scrunch. "What?" He's wiping away the tears before he can even think about it. He caresses your cheeks as he steps closer. "What are you saying, baby? What's wrong?"
You look down and lean away from his hands. "You- you laughed. Why?" A million thoughts race in your mind. Did he finally see that you're not competent enough for a hero like him? Is he gonna break up with you? Maybe your coworkers were right about you.
Now, Katsuki's even more confused, trying to recall when he laughed. Finally he recalls the moment right before you stormed off. His gaze softens and he takes your hand in his.
"Honey, no, I wasn't laughing." Your sadness turns into anger at his words. "You're lying! I heard you! You can't gaslight your way out of this. If you have something to say, just say it!" You were shaking at this points. You didn't actually mean it. In fact, you didn't want to hear what he had to say. You weren't sure you could handle it.
"I chuckled." Now it's your turn to look confused. "Yeah, that's the fucking issue, Katsuki."
"No, no, you don't understand. I didn't laugh, i chuckled. Heck, it was even closer to a giggle." You looked at him as if he was talking nonsense. and in your mind, it really didn't make any sense.
"You were so excited, talking about your project. I always love it when you do. You're so damn passionate and determined - it's one of the reasons I liked you in the first place. You were different from the other extras." you can't stop the hint of a smile that appears on your lips which he immediately notices. He visibly relaxes a bit and smirks.
The smirk changes into a smile as he says the following "I was so proud. You were adorable as you work on your dream job. I couldn't help but smile. Apparently not only smile but also chuckle."
"Honey, I wasn't making fun of you. I promise."
Your anger dissipates and your sadness reemerges. Tears stream down your face as you hug Katsuki. You sob while venting about work, and how you feel, the imposter syndrome, just everything. He listens and rocks you back and forth trying to soothe you. He kissed the top of your head. He's never been good with words, so he does what he can do to show that he's here for you. His first instinct was actually to get mad at your coworkers and boss, but he knows now is not the time. His baby needs him. He carries you bridal style to your bedroom as you continue to cry and recount your shitty month. He orders some food and puts on your favorite movie and he hugs and kisses you, offering you a few encouraging words.
Weeks later he tells you to quit your job. He pulled some strings and now you're working on a brand new building. All from scratch. An amazing and high-tech building for the newly formed DynaRiot Agency. You both celebrate and you go to work as soon as you can. After all, DynaMight only settles for the best.
yeah, idk anything abt architecture, im sorry. not proofread. umm, hope you like it! im not rly good with the comfort thing so this is the best i could do haha. weird ending i know.
okay but like kirishima would def be the type of guy who, if you asked to watch your drink, would sooner die than let anything happen to it.
"Hey Ei, do you mind watching my drink? Just need to go to the bathroom."
being the manly man that he is, he quickly agrees.
despite the crowded and sweaty-ass party, with music loud enough to make the floor vibrate: all he's focused on is your drink.
he is holding on to the drink for dear life. covering the top of the glass with his palm and staying as still as a statue while others bump into him.
denki would ask him to play beer pong against sero and mina. as reigning champions, denki surely didn't expect him to decline.
denki's got no choice but to partner up with bakugou who's already shouting at him even tho the game hasn't started.
meanwhile, you're taking your sweet time touching up your make up and fixing your outfit.
when you finally come back, kirishima doesn't notice you by his side. He's too focused on the drink in his hand.
"Ei?" .. no answer
"Eiji?" .. still nada
"KIRI!" you shout in hopes of finally getting his attention.
"OH! S-sorry, uh here's, uh, your drink" he stutters out, grateful for the flashing lights that make sure you can't see the blush creeping up his cheeks.
you take the glass and sip from it, no doubt in your mind that it's safe, trusting that kirishima protected it.
you thank him with a kiss on his cheek.
this time, despite the lights, he's sure the blush is evident on his face. if not, the dumbfounded look he gives you is enough for you to think your feelings are reciprocated.
*a/n: it's my first time writing 🫣 hope somebody notices this! 🫶
i'm sad and i need katsu fluff so here is katsuki bakugou with filipino!reader.
He'd adore your accent as you're learning to speak Japanese.
He'd tease you immensely for it but when you're not looking, he has this soft smile on his face.
He's so proud of you for learning a language asides your own and he's got a blush on his face when he hears you practicing how to compliment him or say that you love him.
He loves the food. Adobo? Loves it. Sinigang? Loves it. Fucking sisig and dinakdakan? That shit's his favorite.
He fucking hates balut tho. You tried making him eat it once but he really wouldn't budge.
You ate it in front of him and he was just silently judging you the entire time. Bombastic side eye frfr.
He did a google search on your culture to try to connect with you more. And honestly, because he wanted to impress you.
He found out about harana. He wanted to do it but aint no way he'd sing sweet songs with a battered old guitar.
You just woke up one day at like 6 in the morning from the sound of loud drums.
He had an entire fucking drum set in front of your house and was shouting in the mic.
You think he was singing a song by gloc 9? Or maybe a japanese song? In fact, it could have been the Philippine anthem.
You'd have no idea with the sound of drums overpowering even his shouting.
Your family and neighbors were not pleased at all. Your brother almost hosed him down.
Aside from that event your family adores him.
You think the reason he was forgiven for the harana incident is because he joined in a drinking session.
Your asshole uncles made him take a shot.
He was already reluctant but wanting to impress your family, he didn't deny it.
What he didn't know was that it was actually a shot of vinegar with tons of spicy peppers.
Yup, he coughed for like a straight five minutes and had to get some water. His pride was torn up but at least the family likes him now. Well, after all the laughing and teasing, that is.
He'd try to learn your language too. It's adorable hearing him say in broken Filipino "ma-hal kit-a".
This one's for all my filipino katsu simps out there. if you want more of these, just write in the comments and I'll try to think of some!
Lots of people think bakugou has a soft and sweet side to him but i think he doesn't.
This isn't to say he won't ever be soft and/or sweet, because he will. It's just that he'll have to find someone he wants to do that for first. He'll learn it through time.
He'll find someone that'll make him want to be a better person, not just a better hero. He'll find someone he actually wants physical contact with, someone who tests him but he'll learn to be patient for, someone he knows is worth the frustration.
He'll find someone to love and he'll learn how to love himself and the world around him. He'll start appreciating the small things. The scowl on his place will be replaced with a small smile more often than not.
He'll get there someday, for somebody he deems more important than his pride.
2087
andulkaphoto
izzy806
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
origamiaround
discoholicmusic
