Just venting. It’s all going bad, keep scrolling to spare yourself.
I’m so tired. Everything is bad. No matter how hard I try, I just keep falling down and I think I’m at my limit. I’m too much of a coward to talk to my friends and I also just don’t want to burden them. There’s so much going on and I’ve been in this horrible hell for 6+ years and it’s not getting better. It never gets better. I’ve wasted my life, accomplished so little, and any time I try to do something meaningful or make a change or try to follow my dream of publishing something, I just fall short. I never get anything done, I am so burnt out that I can’t even summon the effort to do anything for myself. I remind myself that I’m so lucky and I have a job that I love and enjoy but…it’s not enough. I’m drowning in debt, I’m so depressed, I feel so alone and I feel so lost. I try so fucking hard to practice gratitude and remind myself that I really don’t have it that bad in the grand scheme of things but my brain just won’t let me be.
Nobody gives a shit about me.
I am nothing.
I am a failure.
I have wasted so much time.
I’m so fucking useless.
I’m a shitty person, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, enby, writer, employee, manager, cat mom.
I deserve everything that’s happened to me. The shitty exes who settled for me because I was willing to do anything to make them happy and make them stay. There’s shit jobs that took advantage of me and threw me under the bus time and time again. I just deserve it all because if I was a better person, it wouldn’t happen to me over and over again. I wouldn’t be suffering this much.
Truth is, I’ve been suicidal for years but I’m too much of a coward to do go through with it. I’m so fucking scared of death yet I also yearn for it because living hurts so much. I tell myself I’ll keep going for Bug or for my family but it’s getting so much harder. I thought I was close before but now I just don’t know. Maybe the fact I’ve been so low for so long now is a sign. I mean, how much more of this can I really be expected to take?
I know I’m privileged, I know I’ve been luckier than many. But for every good thing that happens, 10 life changing, trauma-inducing events happen and bring me back down to the bottom.
I cannot keep doing this. Except I’m a coward so I will just keep suffering in silence, daydreaming about some unknown thing suddenly appearing and fixing everything. But that won’t happen
Just once…once I wish someone would genuinely tell me I’m enough. That I’m not a useless, stupid, talentless, unlovable piece of shit. That I should be here and that I will accomplish my dreams.
Of course, would I even be able to believe it? I have more proof that I’m nothing than anything else. And every day my brain cycles the cruel words, tells me I’m terrible, that I’m an awful person, that I’m only being tolerated by my friends because I’m occasionally fun to be around. I bring nothing to the table. I never have. I’ve always just been…disappointing. I’ll never be more than that.
And I guess that’s that. I’ll keep going, even tho I have a toe over the line. I’ll just keep struggling silently until the inevitable.
I hope no one read all of that, it’s all just so depressing. I don’t want anyone burdened by my troubles. It all selfish and stupid. But I needed a void to scream into. After all, I can’t afford therapy.
