hi lms. i was recommended to your blog by a friend so maybe you can help me. i'm a new dom and i'm... struggling with something. one of my girlfriends is a submissive and i'm struggling with the idea that i... like to hurt her? it's consensual, she likes impact play and spanking and all that, and i do it because we both enjoy it. but i feel fucking TERRIBLE afterwards that i liked hitting my girlfriend. how do i process this, man? what can i even do?
Hi, anon!
The first thing you need to understand here is that you are dealing with a super common issue. Even if it was entirely consensual and even if your partner asked for it and enjoyed it, you still enjoyed striking your partner and thatās a tough thing to process for most people.
So, hereās the thing: the fact that you are even asking this, the fact that you even have to ask if youāre a bad person for this, it tells me that you arenāt as bad a person as you are worried that you might be.
The most important question you need to ask yourself is this: would you still have enjoyed it if your partner didnāt want it? Would you have still enjoyed causing pain for the sake of causing pain if the enthusiastic consent hadnāt been present? If the answer to this question is ānoā, then you have your answer right there as to whether youāre still a decent person.
I grew up in a boxing ring, so thinking of it in the following terms helps me: if I were to go out onto the street and punch a stranger in the face, Iād be an asshole and I should feel like an asshole. However, when I put on gloves, got into a ring, followed rules and punched someone in face who was there wanting to be punched in the face, I was boxing. And I shouldnāt feel bad about that.
Itās all about context, you know? There are all sorts of things that arenāt ok in the ārealā world that become ok in the context of a consensual relationship with an enthusiastic partner. Think of rope ties, for example- it would be super fucked up to tie someone up who wasnāt consenting to it, but with enthusiastic consent a good rope session becomes fun for both partners. Assuming that you were paying attention to your partnerās reactions and playing with their safety in mind, there is no reason you need to feel bad.
Context matters, anon. And enthusiastic consent puts a great many actions in a very different context. As long as you can say that you wouldnāt have enjoyed it without her consent, itās all good.
-LMS
