Kitty Belladonna @kitty-belladonna - Tumblr Blog

I wish I was pretty enough to deserve my boyfriend's love.

I wish I was more worthy of it. More mentally healthy. More stable. More beautiful. More attractive. Cooler. A more likeable personality. A lot more similar to him.

I wish I was one of those girls who got to wear their crush's sweater and deserved it. I wish I was one of those girls whose boyfriends sent them snacks when they're not around and deserved it. Its a logical conclusion to say that he loves me. But my brain isn't so formulaic. I believe with all my heart that nobody loves me, and nobody ever will. Sometimes I look at myself in this relationship and cringe at how I've tried to get his attention, tried to get him to find me loveable or cute. Not because he doesn't give me any of that. But because I ask for it without deserving it. The way I try to call him every day on the phone, the way I text him even when he's at work, the way I ask to sleep with him on the phone. I feel stupid for it.

Things like that aren't for girls like me. Who am I to even ask? I wish I was normal, I wish I was a loveable, cute girl and not a mentally ill mess.

#im unloveable #i feel so unloveable #undeserving #feeling unloved

15 Dec, 2025

I wish I was someone's first choice. I wish I was the best thing out there for someone. But there is always someone better than me. So many girls prettier, thinner, cooler than me.

I doubt I would be anyone's first choice.

Who even wants me?

I just want to keep believing that my boyfriend doesn't love me. Because its so comfortable to think that way.

And I'll never even amount to anything. I can't do anything right. I can't be good at anything, not even the things I like. I can't meet my mother's hopes and dreams for my future, nor can I meet my own. I'm not excelling at anything, none of my hobbies or interests or even academics. I come home and I sleep instead of doing something great and extraordinary. I grew up thinking I would be something, I would get somewhere. Doesn't everyone? And not everyone does get there. I'm not special, I'm just a useless waste of resources. At least other people have something they're good at. And I find it hard to believe that I'm good at anything, even if I am. I just feel useless. And I don't really want to be alive.

#useless #unimportant #not good enough #sad thoughts #i'm sad #undeserving

lauramakabresku

soloh

Girls like me don't deserve boys like you.

Boys like you,

with sunrise smiles and starlight eyes, and hearts pumping with humour and softness,

deserve girls with silken hair and symphonic laughter, and souls of light and selflessness.

And I,

am just a person.

Ordinary//soloh

mypersonalventaccount

i will never be good enough. never have, never will be. there's just always someone better than me, so easily replaceable, so easily forgotten. it's not important if i'm around or not around, it doesn't matter at all. always the outcast. always overlooked.

never anyone's favourite.

Something I am proud of now

I'm healing.

Slowly, but I'm healing.

I can regulate my emotions better.

I'm learning when to stop talking or interacting, before I spiral out of control.

I'm learning to not throw open a floodgate of emotions when the pain starts to grow.

I'm learning to take space when it all gets too much.

Because I'm starting to remember to realise, before it all happens, that its not worth it.

Its not worth the feeling of unnecessary guilt.

Its not worth the exhaustion and sleeplessness.

Its not worth the feeling of loneliness.

Its not worth the feeling of thinking you'll never deserve love while craving to be held.

Its not worth the hours of crying alone on a cold marble floor, when nobody even knows that you're crying, until you do tell them and feel guiltier.

I could just... step back.

I could just... not talk.

I could just turn off my phone and do something else.

Instead of feeling attacked over nothing.

Instead of hurting the one you love because you misread them and their intentions.

Instead of starting an argument when all I wanted was to feel loved and be reassured over something that nobody can convince me of.

#emotional healing #self healing #healing from trauma #taking space #emotional space

Am I turning into someone who hurt me

Sometimes i wonder why I'm alive.

Not because I particularly want to die.

I don't know what I do sometimes.

I noticed that I hurt the one person (in small ways) who has given me true, genuine love (or so I hope) with how I act, with how reactionary or defensive I get about things that trigger me. Even when he didn't do anything to hurt me, and I overread into something he never said.

And when I try to explain that by saying I'm sensitive, I feel like the embodiment of a toxic ex trope. The one who swears to change but never does. The one who hurts somebody who loves them and follows it by saying "you deserve better".

I saw him replying worryingly at times, to when I'm upset about something. His assumption that he did something wrong and I'm upset with him again. Why am I this way?

I know I am not abusive. But I don't want to get too comfortable with feeling attacked over things that he didn't do or didn't mean to do.

How do I end up making him feel afraid, or guilty, about my emotions? Am I turning into my mother?

Or am I expecting perfection?

#sad thoughts #i suck #why am i like this #emotional abuse #perfectionist

colonellickburger

Yasuhiro Ogawa. Into The Silence. Japan

theinternetarchive

'the park at sceaux, 7am,' arrowroot print, gold-toned; eugene atget, 1925.

phoenixreincarnated

How does one get over the feeling that no one loves them and everyone would be so glad if they died and maybe they should just die and leave everyone else to be happy with living cause they're the cause of all bad things in the world and the world would be so much better without them and everyone in their lives wants them to die so they can stop being a burden to them and they are essentially unlovable and they'll never experience love because no one would ever love them?? Asking for a friend.