Always pushing forward

Healing, one day at a time.

[kiylaajem]

First post in quite some time.

I'm in love with Zach. That is all.

[pusheen]

[kiylaajem]

Resisted some strong urges to drink this weekend. I'm 2 weeks in! Down a pound or 2, eating a little better, and about to start school/new jobs. Busy is good mostly.

[kiylaajem]

I've got 7 days under my belt. Made it through 2 events that tend to be big drinking events. Gonna keep plugging away at it.

[kiylaajem]

Like my spearmint plant, I must also keep growing. I planted this from seed. The first leaves were so delicate. I wasn't sure it would really grow, but new leaves are always forming. I am going to grow like my little buddy here.

[kiylaajem]

Months pass by.

So months have gone by. I think it's been about 8ish months since I started this blog. I didn't stay sober for very long any of the times I attempted to break it off before. I've gained weight, my skin has serious issues, and my personal relationships are all over the place. But I'm almost 4 days in again, and feeling good about it. Someday I think the veil will lift. I won't give up.

[kiylaajem]

[kiylaajem]

Strength returning

I feel like a veil is slowly lifting. I can process things more clearly and I feel like my brain is actually capable of more complex thinking. I am doing this.

[kiylaajem]

Resolve

Today I resisted temptation many times. I am proud of this. Had a great day, too!

[kiylaajem]

Identification, please.

I've been adrift for a long time. So long now that I have lost touch with former parts of myself. Memory is imperfect at best, but mine feels so disjointed and spotty I worry I will never recover. I should consult my sober journals. I think I need reassurance from myself that I can go through this again. People ask me how I have been. At this point, I don't even quite know who I am. I have been more active in recent weeks compared to the last several months, which is helping. I haven't sought counseling yet, which I feel is an important next step. It can be expensive, though. Still, I will keep on truckin'. It would be a really sad and boring story if I just gave up now.

[kiylaajem]

Also

Blood work came back from the doctor and I'm actually still pretty healthy. So that's good!

[kiylaajem]

Still drinking, but also...

I started running yesterday. And did it again today! I'll be hiking today also. Being active is great. I feel a clarity that I haven't felt in a while. I hope it gives me something to hold onto while I attempt this quitting endeavor.

[kiylaajem]

The road isn't always smooth

So I made it 20 days, slipped for another 20, and I'm feeling a renewed sense of ambition. I finally went to the doctor and she agrees that I should quit. Realistically, I know that I should quit smoking pot, too, in order to really get my head on straight and not just use that as a substitute. I am going to seek counseling to help with my depression and substance issues. I wish the A.A. meetings around here weren't so inconvenient to get to, or I wish they had some in the middle of the afternoon. I've considered going, but I am not completely sure. It would be good to find one that I feel comfortable with though. I know that a support system is a key part of recovery. I will try keeping up with this blog, also. I've written a few journals by hand in the past few weeks of slippage. I don't want every day to feel shallow and monotonous. I don't want to wake up hungover and think about all the money I spent the night before. And I know I don't have to.

[kiylaajem]

Earlier

Tonight I felt like drinking. But I'm over two weeks in now! I was strong enough to say "no, I don't really want that". Some days are easy! In fact, many are. Every now and then, though, I get really strong cravings. Luckily, there are meetings around and I am working on getting other outlets established. I am weaning off cigarettes slowly. May try to make next week my first week off. I'll get there. Baby steps, ya know? Next week I am also going to start working out after my shifts, now that I will only be working until 1. I will have to bring in a pre-workout snack, as I'm sure I'll be hungry. I am proud of standing my ground today. It gives me hope for future tough days.

[kiylaajem]

About to start another week.

And another week is about to start. I've now got 13 days under my belt, which feels pretty good. I would like to increase my activity level and actually work out after work this week. I think I'm going to start with cardio. May add in machines if I'm feeling it. Gotta stop smoking. Maybe after some more sober weeks I'll be able to.

[kiylaajem]

I'm looking forward to the highlights fading a bit and becoming more blended. But I am glad to have something that blends with my roots better.

[kiylaajem]

Robe, coffee, and all that jazz.